The Blonde, the Brunette, and the King of Thieves
By Paper Tiger
Disclamier: Lina, Naga, Mazoku, and all Slayers related elements are copyright of … I forget their names, but their collective authors, producers, and creators. Xena, Hercules, Autolycus, and all related elements are copyright of… okay, I forget them too, but they don’t belong to me either.
Chapter 2: Chin, Don't Fail Me Now
The crotchety one-eyed warlock paced across the room frantically. Actually, "limped" would be a more accurate term. And considering how low to the ground he fell with each limp, he looked like a cloaked fish flopping about the secluded chamber.
"I must have that ring back!!!" he growled to himself.
He relit a wick of the dark candle and a cloud of tan smoke engulfed him. The mist swirled and congealed into a solid shape. The young Nomad.
The efreet was no longer in a foul mood, but that’s not to say that he wasn’t foul to begin with.
"Whaddaya WAANT?"
‘I hate youth,’ thought the sorcerer. "I want, or to be more correct, WANTED that lousy thief brought here!"
"I was preoccupied," the mighty Mazoku whined, twiddling his finger on the floor.
"You were *Thwarted*, by two little girls!!!! The younger one looked like she was in grade school!"
Miles away, Lina sneezed, accompanied with the need to kill something. She hit Autolycus.
"They were tougher than I expected!" proclaimed the efreet in defense. He flew into the air and suspended himself overhead.
"That’s no-"
"When I faced them, I was only at a fraction of my power! Light the second wick, and those two are as good as dead."
‘With two wicks lit,’ the sorcerer thought, ‘Namol would indeed be more powerful. The candle that binds him wouldn’t last as long, but still-
"Do you want that ring or not?"
The old man hesitated and scratched his bristly chin.
And then he lit the second wick.
Things could have gone better for Lina, Autolycus and Naga. The inn charged on outraged tip (on account they ate enough to feed a party of 8) and solicitors accosted all them as soon as they set foot into the street. Auto found himself beating off a marketer with his boot.
You think you have it bad today with telemarketers calling in the middle of dinner. Frequently forgotten is the detail that before the invention of the phone, telemarketers attacked people in the street. Especially in a Commercila.
Lina, Naga, and Auto rented horses at a local stable and headed west, into the Bleak Forest.
"My benefactor’s right up ahead," said Autolycus forty minutes into riding.
Something was bothering Lina, though. It could have been the dark and densely packed forest; stereotypical setting for an attack. Maybe it was Lina’s infrequency with horses.
Or maybe it was the fact that their assailant had known their exact location.
Naga and Lina didn’t see the tower until they were on top of it. Or, to be more accurate, it was standing over the top of them. Gurgenheim’s manor was a tall monolith painted in the same dark shade as the surrounding trees. While the tower was obviously built like a twisted spike, it was hard to tell if it was intentionally wider at the top than the bottom or whether the blueprints were perhaps upside-down. Either way, it would have made Tim Burton wet himself.
"I have to warn you," said Autolycus nervously, "This guy’s a little odd."
"You don’t say..." said Naga.
"Never would have guessed..." said Lina.
The behemoth front door groaned open by itself. They crept through a dusty, cavernous hall and up a tightly twined staircase.
"I *gasp* I think this ... is it." Said Autolycus after a small lifetime.
"Ah, there you are, Autolycus," echoed a voice from far down the hallway. While not pleasant to listen to, at least the speaker sounded cheerful. "And who are your lady friends?"
"Oh," Auto yelled down the hall with a grin, "It’s my overflowing charm and magnetism. I don’t think there’s any time I don’t have to beat them off with a stick."
Naga and Lina glared at Auto. He was either very cautious or very dead.
Gurgenheim the great and powerful was finally revealed to Lina and Naga as they moved into the main chamber. Books and animal cages were stacked into foreboding sky-scrapers. The chamber had less light than the hallway, and the strain on the eyes was torture.
Gurgenheim was covered in a moldy cloak, shambling about the corners.
"I hope you have it," he croaked.
"Is this what you’ve been asking for?" asked Autolycus, holding up the jeweled ring.
"indeed," the old man replied, lifting his head. He glared at it with his one good eye.
The doors behind Lina and Naga slammed shut without warning. The old man threw his head back and laughed.
"Namol!" he croaked. At the old man’s side materialized the Efreet, this time wearing a malicious grin.
The situation hit Lina like a ton o’ bricks: The ring’s owner wasn’t trying to retaliate against Autolycus... Auto’s employer was trying to cut Auto out of the deal.
"Now, hold on!" yelped Autolycus, desperately trying to control of the situation.
"Kill them, Namol!"
Auto’s hopes were reduced to ashes.
The teen sheik opened his mouth and a wall of fire rumbled in our hero’s direction. Both Naga and Lina launched a counter wave of ice, only to have it fizzle within the inferno.
Auto dove into a pile of books. Thick, concealing books.
Lina wiped her sweaty cheek. She jumped at how much it stung. Her cheek was burned, first degree. The efreet had done in 2 seconds what normally takes 2 weeks on a tropical island. Nothing major, but Lina could see that Naga was burned as well.
The aged sorcerer held the ring high in his hands and limped rapidly to the chamber wall. He disappeared through a hidden passage in the masonry, his crazed laughter overpowering the sound of scraping stone.
And if that ring was as powerful as Lina expected, they had better act now.
"Ready, Naga?" Lina asked. Naga seemed to think along the same line, and cried dynamically "Right!"
"DARK MIST," Naga cried, blanketing the room with black misty particles that were without taste and scent. And Dark enough for Lina and Naga to follow Gurgenheim into the passage without the Efreet seeing them.
"Hey Autolycus!" Lina cried. Auto’s head popped up from the books.
"We’re going after Gugermel or whatever that old creep’s name is." The secret stone door scraped against the floor as Naga went in.
"What about the Efreet?" Autolycus called into the dark room.
Though it was far too black to be real, Auto thought he saw Lina’s wolfish grin in response.
"Oh Gods," he said to himself, though the efreet was bound to be in listening range.
Lina and Naga crawled through the thin, dark passage. Gurgenheim was nowhere in sight, but his laughter echoed loudly throughout the mirk.
"It sure is cramp," said Lina."
"Says the one who doesn’t need to crouch down," was all Naga replied.
"Hey, what does-"
"LADIES." Broke the scratchy, elderly voice, cutting through the girls like a jagged sawblade.
The corridor ended at last. Lina and Naga were caught off guard by a small gust of wind and a blinding sea of red light. Their eyes adjusted to the color of the setting sun and they recognized the gust as the fickle night breeze. They were on the roof, and Gurgenheim was waiting for them.
Autolycus clamped his hands to his mouth and saw the bonus of the situation. If he couldn’t see the efreet, neither could it see him. All he had to do was to stay silent and he was perfectly safe.
Besides, wasn’t he the King of Thieves, master of stealth and silence. Why, he thought, I could stroll around this entire chamber and be quiet as a cat. Lina picked the right man for the job.
A sudden monotone gushing sound bounced around somewhere in the darkness. Only people who have lived with 20th century technology would recognize it as the same sound a vacuum cleaner makes. Autolycus did recognize it as trouble.
Suddenly, Auto could see the nose on his face. The next second, with the sound growing louder, he could see his hand. And after a few seconds of confusion, Auto could see the efreet, sitting calmly on the floor, inhaling all of the black particles in the room. There was an awkward moment after he had finished, during which nothing was said and the efreet was focused upon standing up.
Why, Gods, Why?
The youthful efreet raised his hands and a ball of crimson flame floated before his palms. The fire was reflected in his eyes, and it also showed in-
The corner of the room! Autolycus could see a tiny lump of a candle in the corner of the room, burning clear and bright from two separate wicks. It must be the one Lina was talking about! If he could just blow it out-
-Which required him to stay alive for more than a few seconds. The orb of flame grew and Auto’s mind scrambled for a way out of this fate. How to stall this determined immortal? What do you offer him? How does barbeque avoid barbequing, and will King of Thieve taste good? Howhowhowhow
Auto’s mind went blank, and his eyes fell hypnotized by the flaming eyes of the executioner. But like any professional pickpocket and prestidigitationist, Auto’s hands where moving desperately, turning out his pockets and pouches for anything that might save him. With coins, jimmies, handkerchiefs and all else emptied on the floor, Auto’s hands fell at last to a brochure forced upon him by a solicitor in Commercila.
"H-have yyyyyyou ever considered invessstment in Peabody sshshshshshshshhoe stock?" Auto stammered.
The efreet lowered the fireball and let it disperse, cocking his youthful head to the side.
Lina and Naga had never seen such a battle. Gurgenheim was full of piss and vinegar, as well as an arsenal of spells. One moment Lina was dodging an ice spell, the next an air based. Naga was doing were best to counteract the dark spells.
"HOLD HIM TIGHT," Lina cried.
Naga raised her arms and felt the powerful tingle surge from her feet to her finger tips. She focused her mind and the surge flowed in the opposite direction, twice as strong. The stone roof beneath Gurgenheim swelled up and engulfed him, in the form of a well-manicured hand. Lina felt the fireball grow in her palms and was ready to fire.
But Gurgenheim was faster. One ancient word (no longer taught in schools) melted the golem hand like butter and the stone roof rumbled towards the girls like a tidal wave. The fire ball escaped from Lina’s hands by mistake and exploded upon the marble wave two feet in front of her, scalding her and filling her face with the exploding shrapnel.
Naga was knocked off the roof and levitated herself moments before impact with the ground below.
"It’s just you and me," croaked the mage to the bleeding Lina.
"Why would I want to invest in shoes?" the youthful nomad boy piped, floating in the air in a sitting position.
"Because-" said Auto, straining for an answer. His eyes darted back to the pamphlet in case it had any good ideas. "Because shoes are something people will always need."
"So?"
"So... it’d be a good way to make money on the stock market."
"Why would an immortal care about money or stocks?" The efreet asked, raising his hands back up for an attack.
But Autolycus already had a foothold in the conversation, and if there was one thing he had learned as being the King of Thieves, it was how to sell a point.
"But that’s what’s so brilliant about it," Auto replied with a slippery smile. "In stocks, a Mortal can make about a 50% gain in his lifetime, right? That’s just twenty years! Imagine how much you’d make if you had stocks for 40 years! Or 60… 80?"
"Hmm. But why shoes?"
"Well," said Autolycus, careful not to waffle (and show weakness), "Shoes are just a good starting point. You could take your profits and put them into even more ventures, and gain profit on that, and … hell, before you know it, you’ll own half the continent."
The efreet stared wide-eyed, deeply inspired.
"Really?"
"Oh, heck yah. Once you reach the millions, you can buy and sell people like cashews."
"Huh."
Lina felt her odds dropping and her options dwindling. Gurgenheim was just too skilled at everything he did. So, she did the best thing she knew in times like this- Use underhanded tactics.
"Look behind you!" she shouted out, pointing her finger to the horizon. She had a flare arrow poised in her mind’s eye, and the second the old man turned his back, she would skewer and scorch him.
"What do you take me for?" he croaked in reply.
"I’m serious!"
"Little girl, I’ve been a villain for a good forty years. I would hardly be a good one if I’d never pulled the ‘Look behind you!’ trick at least once. It’s older than I am!"
"Fine. But don’t say I didn’t warn you."
"Reverse psychology won’t work on me either."
"Your funeral."
"NopE!" he said defiantly. "I will not look behind me." And he shut his eyes just to make sure he didn’t turn and look.
Lina just shrugged. So long as he didn’t see it coming, it was all the same to her.
"HIT HIM NOW, LINA!" cried a brunette to Lina’s right. Naga had flown/scaled her way back up the tower. Lina’s heart skipped like a cheap CD and her odds of winning dropped to nil.
If I can just make it to the candle, Auto thought, we might have a chance yet.
"So you really think this investment idea is worthwhile?" the young nomad inquired with puppy dog eyes.
"You bet!"
"Okay. Thanks for the advice and all, but I have to kill you now."
Gurgenheim placed the ring on his finger and muttered a foreboding mantra under his rotten breath.
Namol the efreet raised his hands and flames flickered softly in front of his face.
And in the following second, three events happened simultaneously.
1. Gurgenheim hurled a Burst Flare at Lina and the crawling Naga.
2. The candle that bound Namol burned out.
3. Autolycus had an embarrassing accident in his undergarments.
The first two are quite important, as the released Namol warped himself onto the roof, hurling the Burst Flare back towards Gurgenheim like a volleyball. The geezer promptly disintegrated into a pile of ashes and poetic justice. On top of the pile sat the large jeweled ring.
Lina and Naga stared at wonder at the efreet. Now that he was free again with unbridled power, his shape was not that of a young boy but of a young man. With caramel colored skin and burning eyes, the nomad smiled wolfishly and disappeared from view.
Where, you ask? To return to the one act that got him banished from the Mazoku race in the first place: spending his self-appointed vacation on a New Zealand-shaped tropical island, beachside, dreaming he is a butterfly.
EPILOGE
Starved, scratched, scorched, and soiled, the three unlikely allies crawled up Thrushmire’s driveway, supporting their weight on walking sticks, trees, or just walking on all fours.
The mansion was huge, and Thrushmire was large too. He looked about 50, and came to the door in long designer bathrobes. Grayed would not be a very accurate term, though; he was silvered, much like a TV announcer. The Great Gatsby; the later years.
And he glared at them with a sour expression. After the air was sufficiently tart, he brought them in the pre-modernistic foirer.
"Wipe your feet and don’t touch anything," Thrushmire growled, adding a moot "please."
He drew them into the classy, eggshell-colored living room and stood stiffly. Lina and Naga’s eyes immediately fell upon a pedestal just left of the coffee table, and how it was both broken and empty.
"This is the culprit, then?" Thrushmire said, glaring at the disheveled Autolycus.
"Yes, but he’s not for sale."
Auto felt an internal grin. Lina Inverse had actually kept her promise... or she was just shopping around.…
"Well, then why did you bring him?" asked Thrushmire impatiently. His omellete (made from those speckled brown eggs) was getting cold.
Lina grabbed the small chain around Auto’s neck. Dangling from it was the Ranguard ring. Ever so slightly, Thrushmire’s eyebrows raised.
"What about a reward?" Naga inquired, jutting her hip.
Thrushmire smiled and stared at Autolycus with partial curiosity.
"Twitchy hired, you didn’t he?"
"Come again?"
"Gurgenheim." Thrushmire closed his eyes, and blushed in apology. "We used to call him ‘Twitchy’ in college. It was funny, ‘cause he twitched a lot."
"How’d you know it was him?"
"Twitchy was always a little weird, even by wizard standards. Well, one day in college, both of us lost our class rings. He claimed this ring," He pointed at the one dangling from the chain, "Was his ring, when I know for a fact that it’s mine."
"So it’s just a college graduation ring???" asked Naga. Lina was too much in shock.
"Yup. Dear Alma Mater, Ranguard U. They named the school after it’s founding wizard."
Lina opened her mouth, but nothing escaped, not even air.
"I’ll tell you," Thrushmire continued, laughing, "Ol’ Twitchy was obsessed about getting this ring. Has tried to get it back at least fifty times in the last forty years."
"..."
The following tension that lingered in the air was thicker than L.A. smog.
"So you won’t give us any reward at?" Naga asked defiantly.
Thrushmire looked surprised. He then waded his hands through the pockets of his robes, feeling for spare change.
"Well," said Lina with a cheery grin, "I don’t think a reward will be necessary, really."
The eyes of Autolycus and Naga grew to the size of hubcaps. What had come over Lina?
"After all," she snickered. "It’s only money!"
Dear God, thought Naga, she’s possessed!
She’s snapped, once and for all, thought Auto.
"I’m glad you think so, miss" said Thrushmire," shaking her hand like an earthquake.
And Lina’s grin was far too wide for Naga and Auto’s comfort.
Having unexplainably lost their burns and aches (as is often the case in scene-to-scene cuts in animation) Auto, Lina, and Naga walked down Thrushmire’s extravagant crushed-marble driveway. Lina seemed to be the only one who wasn’t moping. Rather, she wore a smile from ear to ear.
Finally, Naga couldn’t take it anymore:
"WHAT IS SO FUNNY???"
Lina said nothing, but looked up at her colleague with a twinkle in her eye.
"Hey Lina," Autolycus said, pausing his step and fingering his goatee. "Do you really believe that ring was only a mundane class ring?"
Both Lina and Naga paused and weighed his words seriously.
"We’ll find out," Lina replied, revealing the large gold ring from within her pockets.
"How did you-" Autolycus started. But he remembered Lina’s hearty handshake with Thrushmire.
Autolycus blinked, opening his eyes again with new found respect for this Lina Inverse.
"Yah know, you make a pretty decent thief," he said, smiling honestly.
"You’re not half bad yourself," she replied.
An explosion from the mansion behind them, (accompanied with bellows that I’m not allowed to repeat,) warned the group of Thrushmire’s approaching retribution.
"Now, O King of Thieves," said Lina, "Let’s see how fast you can run!"
FINE
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