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Gone: Nick's Story

by Andrew Coutras

...Or so I thought, for it is not as I remembered: Her name was Delta, strange name I thought, but what she offered me, noone else had. So I thought it a sound idea to take up Delta Burke's Invitation. No sooner I stepped through the inter-dimensional porter when my left arm fell off and the lower portion of my face became limp and unmanagable. Somewhere from behind me I thought I heard what sounded like lemmings in heat, but upon closer inspection I found...

...that they were indeed lemmings, but they were not in heat. Far from it the lemings were being visciously raped by oversized novelty representations of Atomic particles. Being aware that they did not yet notice my presence I decided to depart that horrid scene. However, about fifty yards from the site of the lemming violations, a disembodied head which bore a resemblance to Michael Flatly (the "Lord of the Dance"). Upon seeing this, I decided to take matters into my own hands. I picked up a conveniently placed fully-automatic submachine gun and began to beat the head with a bat whilst I also shot it. Once this grisly deed was done, the blood from the broken head turned into a very rare form of turtle insect only found in the northern corner of the Sudan. Suddenly, I found myself in the Sudan, surrounded by vomiting wilderbeasts with various deformities and missing limbs. Thing this quite...

...weird, I stood in line at the Fed-Ex building adjacent to the vomiting vilderbeasts. Once there, I proceeded to order vast amounts of packing envelopes numbering about 48 thousand. Once I had accomplished this task, I set the building ablaze by pressing the self-destruct button. I found a trap-door in the remains of the building which I promptly opened. I closed it quickly after. However, because all I found were more but not quite so deformed vomiting wilderbeasts,. After this I hitched a ride on the local white supremacist liberation army shuttle-bus and exchanged stories with the Aryan Pygmies on board. It was about this time that I received full use of my face as well as regrowing my lost limb, only to have it fall off once more, it fell into a vat of boiling onions which gave...


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