Things I'm Glad I've Done:
had the kids
tried drugs
moved to a small town
got out on my own early
took a different path than my mother wanted me to
told dad I loved him before he died
been nice to my mom even tho i think she disapproves of me

Things I Wish I Hadn't Done:
tried drugs
gotten hooked on cigs
lied so much
drank so much
given "P" that blowjob
slept with "T"
let TJ go live with his dad
hid behind that car the summer of '74

Things I Wish I Had Done
finished college
slept with "B"  (yes I am smokin')
stayed friends with D.C. 
figured out a way to make much more money
realized everything earlier

Hm. The Wish I hadn't done list is longer than the Glad I've done list. Ain't life grand? And I still get carded, sometimes.

Awards
To my sister, Heidi: the best, most ultimate Aunt.
To my daughter, Abby: the best, most empathetic daughter and friend.
To my son, TJ: the best, most funny and understanding son. i'm sorry.
To my son, Johnny: the best, still-growing relationship i have.
To my brother, Eric: you shouldn't have scared me all those times. And I did not appreciate you feeling me up.
To the guy behind the car: Die.
To "B": I might not know you very long, but you are really fucking sweet.
To the ex: it was a wild ride. and i never cheated on you. hmph.
To my Dad: i understand. always did.
To Grandma & Grandpa: love you.
To Mom: why'd you have to go and make things so complicated? love you.
To my little brother, Kirt: you're cool.

for T: There's a memory of a window, lookin' through i see you, searching for something i can never give you, there's someone who understands you more than i do, a sadness I can't erase, or the look on your face...
5:57:10AM



8/18/02 We rented Shallow Hal, The New Guy, and The Royal Tennenbaums today. The first two were what I expected, but I really like Tennenbaums. Abby and I were watching together, just going "What is this?" It was great.

My birthday's tomorrow. FORTY. Sounds too much like farty. As in old. Of course I don't feel any different. You never do, do you?

More flare-ups in the blogosphere: tessrants. Jeez! A post on one blog tweaks another blogger's brain in a certain way, and everybody gets offended.

Disturbing. This is a webring for people with eating disorders (they call them EDs.) I have struggled with this. I can relate to alot of it. These girls are really, really serious about it. I guess I am just part-time. I count up what I eat in a day, but I call it dieting. I sometimes use laxatives if I'm feeling particularly fat in the lower half of my tummy. Of course you have to plan this to coincide with times when there's no one else in the house, because it's gross. Because I have to work so much, I can't do it alot. You have to be able to get to the bathroom quick. I eat a lot of salad and yogurt. I dress to hide my tummy, which is my bad spot. My legs and ass don't pick it up too much. I also wear a minimizer bra to push my boobies down. They are big (thanks Mom) and come in handy in certain situations. But in day-to-day life thay are just a pain in the ass, flopping and swinging around and guys looking at them. I have many ways of smushin' em.
Links from mysinglemomlife.
12:12:22AM



8/17/02 I got off at three, and came home to find that my boys had gone next door to have an X-box tournament with Isaac. So I'm sneaking a glass of vodka and diet mountain dew code red and a couple of cigs.

Last night I know "B" was playing down in Tennessee with his band. The last time they played, up here, was the time I went and we got together. I was thinking about him all night long, and missing him. I wonder if he was thinking the same thing?

Sometimes I think you can feel when people are thinking about you, ya know? If you have a strong connection. I just felt it, I dunno. What can I say? Wishful thinking, prob'ly.

The night I walked into the hardware store to have my job interview, this guy comes walking down the center aisle looking like Brandon Boyd and I'm thinking "who is that?" I know every guy in my little town, and I knew I'd never seen this one before. I said to myself: "He can't be from around here," and it turns out I was right. He came over and said "Can I help you?" and directed me to husband-boss, and we went into the back to interview. During the middle of this he comes back there and starts hanging around, talking about his band and all this other stuff, looking at me and smiling, and I'm thinking "OMG does he like me? Could I get this lucky?" Until the boss said "OK, "B," you can go now," and he went out and looked back at me. So it started, and it's all back there in the archives.

He was also leaving. Soon. But ever since that first night, it was "B." I tried not to let it be, but there it is.

I almost called him two nights ago, but chickened out. *sigh* What is wrong with me? I think I am definitely in like. I know I am in lust. There have been worse beginnings, right?
5:21:40PM



8/16/02 I think I finally figured out why my bosses are such freaks. They're pill-heads! Husband-boss pops little antihistimine pills all day for his allergies. I noticed yesterday right after he took them, he started speeding around barking out orders. And wife-boss takes meds for depression and migraines. Once Lil girl told me her Mom takes so many pills she can't keep track of them.

You can tell by the way wife-boss cringes whenever her hubby walks up that she hates him. The husband makes sex jokes with the female employees (even young ones.) He's touched me a couple of times, only on the back or the arm, but it creeps me out. It reminds me of Guy Behind the Car, because he just sneaks up on you, you never know he's coming. How much you wanna bet they haven't slept together in years? The kids are whiners.

So there you have it. These people pull in mega-bux from this store, they have a new custom-built house, 4 cars, God knows what else, and they are just miserable. What a fucking waste.
10:27:55PM



8/15/02 Fuck, fuck fuck fuck Morpheus and their Goddamn banners in the lower-right-hand-corner! It slows everything down. Why can't everyone be rich enough to give me what I want, right away? What is up with that??
1:02:17AM



8/14/02 Hey, I finally wrestled my computer away from my son. He's making songs in this program called FruityLoops. It's a techno-type music maker. He loves it!

I went to work today, and another practical joke: "N" and "B" painted on the window of my car. The catchy phrase? "Buy me a new car." Cute, huh? Hey, my car is a piece of shit, but you don't have to tell it to everybody. Now, these are just kids - 17- and 20-year old kids - and I know they didn't mean any harm. But I couldn't help but feel insulted. Couldn't they think of anything else? That was the first thing that popped into their narrow little minds? Am I the store's token charity case? Fuck.

And this is the -let me see- third joke they've played on me. The first time they unravelled a roll of toilet paper inside my car, then the second time they stuffed a shopping cart in the backseat. I know it's because they like me, and I'm an easy-going type manager, so they think it's OK. But I had to put on my mean face, and make them clean it off. They need to learn the lesson that you can't insult people, even in a joking way, without risking their anger, or at least their sadness. They can say shit behind my back all they want. but I'm not gonna listen to poverty jokes to my face. Clueless.
10:37:15PM



8/13/02 Further Down the River: "B" came by work yesterday to bring me his new phone number. He was hinting around about needing a place to crash when he comes up here to do the lawns he still has. He said to call him if I ever want to hang out. This is very cool. I have sort of a half-boyfriend. Which is good, 'cuz I'm rather terrified of having a real one. I don't want someone hanging around my house all the time. I like my life and my privacy (read: I like to get sloshed at night.) I think I'm going to have to go see him all the time (he lives an hour away). Which is great, 'cuz I get to get away from Mom mode every coupla weeks and be party girl again. Go see the band play, drink a few beers, make hot monkey love (did I say that?) then sleep in. This is way cool. *grinning*
12:18:27PM



8/12/02 Two times and it has rendered me punch drunk and without bail

To "B:"

I miss you. I think about you all the time. Are you feeling the same thing? I can't get your face out of my mind. I know you're far away - but still - I feel like something's not finished. Where are you?
1:49:03AM



8/10/02 Are you with me, Dr. Wu?

Just got off the phone with my 15-year old son. He has been visiting his Aunt (Dad's side) in Louisiana for the past two weeks. We talked about - gulp - sex.

He wants to sleep with his GF, but his dad won't get him any condoms. So I said OK, we'll get you some. I mean - come on, they're going to do it . He's at the age - shoot - I was 16 - and I think it's a really bad idea to refuse him this request. Otherwise, I may end up a grandma before my time. I did the same for his sister, and she's been responsible. So, what??

I think there comes a time when you have to trust them. And I'd rather be in the loop than out. I know nobody could've stopped me from sleeping with my first - it's something you feel you need to do. Plus the hormones are raging. Mine still do. God, I am so unlike my parents. Total uncharted territory. Am I doing the right thing?

They're two different people, my daughter and my son. What's right for one may not work for the other. Driving blind here. But I've been there before, I was blind for the first one - hell, I was blind for myself. Blindness as a way of life. Quote me.
11:46:09PM



8/09/02 This blogging computer, MegaHAL, sends messages and responses to itself. Check it out.

From the MegaHAL site: "MegaHAL differs from traditional conversation simulators, such as Eliza and Alice, in its ability to learn language from what is said to it. MegaHAL begins with a blank slate, and learns various simple rules that enable it to generate language-ish utterances. These utterances are often entertaining and eerily appropriate, something which is partially due in our tendency to read meaning into randomness (think about clouds that look like weasels)."

Got the link from stavrosthewonderchicken. Stavros absolutely freakin' rules. If you ever want a job in the hardware store, wonderchicken, it's yours. *grins*
1:12:54AM



8/08/02 Anyway, Post Office Guy at work asked me out. He seems really nice, but just doesn't do it for me. *sigh*

I finally cleaned up my desktop, and defragged. Kind of an interesting story on Primetime Live. Patricia Cornwell, the author, is trying to solve the Jack the Ripper crimes based on her forensic knowledge. She makes a good case. I really like her books; if you're into detective stories check out her stuff (tried to link, but her site's under construction-patriciacornwell.)
10:33:39PM



8/08/02 I have to face it. It was a one-night stand. People who sleep with you, and have your phone number, and know where you work, and know where you live, they get in touch with you if they want to. So far it's been - let's see - 11 days, and no word. Two stops in at work, but always on my day off. Hm. I dunno. I just don't get a bad feeling. The good one is fading, but I don't get a bad one. Well, at least I'm not upset. Maybe I'm old enough to know that it just isn't worth bugging over. And, I would do it again. heehee!

On the Moon
You hold me close and kiss me;
your skin is shaded, and warm.
It ripples under my lips, and soothes
my aching teeth.
It softens my resolve.
Your voice pushes clouds sweetly
around and around my head, 
bubbles flow from your mouth;
you are celestial.
Cool breezes pass between.
I fold my wings, and hit the ground shuddering, 
wobbly and dull-
my bones are shaken;
the world changes.

9:27:22PM



8/07/02 There's a one-man show playing in England right now, called Talking Cock. This is the second time I've heard about it (once in the paper, this time on metafilter,) so I went to the website. I'm linking you to the poems section which I found mostly hilarious - but there was one really sad & serious one on pg. 4. Check it out!

Also. for those who enjoy this stuff:


mostbeautifulman.com.
11:11:47PM



8/06/02 I'm watching a show about twin girls conjoined at the head. The mom was in labor for 8 - count'em - 8 days! Now they're going to try to separate them.

I have to open up at work tomorrow morning, so I'm going to bed early. Had a nice lazy day. Did nothing! Johnny and I went to lunch (which I shouldn't have spent money on,) then we laid around talking about our plans for the great castles we will build when we get rich. He wants me to live with him and his wife! Gotta love them when they're little. You're still the center of the universe. He's gonna be 9 in October, then he'll start pulling away, slow but sure. But that's the way it's gotta be.

Love him.

Tried to replace my HBO with the E channel, so I could watch the Anna Nicole Smith show. But we don't get E here in bumfuck. I hear it was disturbing. Go to asmallvictory and read her real-life ANS story. Funny, pathetic and too weird. I actually knew a girl who behaved like that - my ex-husband's first wife. I know it's entirely possible. Weird.

Now the babies are separated, but having complications. They're gonna continue the story later. And now for the news.

Oh yeah, my poison ivy's gone, and Johnny's is fading. Yay!
10:50:27PM



8/05/02 I - need - human - contact. Help me. email, call. I am so friggin' bored. How come the only person that calls me is my ex-husband? I try, I really do. Where is everybody? AAAAAHHHHH!!!

My bumper sticker reads:

Kinky.
Take the quiz.

he will be back. he will be back. he will be back.

Ah, cool - Snatch is playing on HBO. I've got a thing for Guy Ritchie - he's cute. And quick, if this movie's any indication. *smile*
10:39:58PM



8/04/02 To my dearest and best friend, the alcoholic beverage:

I just wanted to thank you. You have been helping me out for a long time. You make me brave when I am terrified. You make me happy when I am sad. You make me outgoing when I am shy. You make me forget my pain. So what if it's only temporary? At least you work. Ever since I discovered you, that day underneath Kim Scott's deck when we were twelve, I have had to have you. I gulp you down as often as possible, and you always have an effect.

You made me feel better when nobody listened or seemed to care. When I dreamed about the creepy guy, I could get up and sneak downstairs and know that you were there, stacked up in cases behind Dad's chair. As Mom and Dad slowly grew apart, you and I got closer and closer. We watched together as they fell victim to their own addictions. We saw my brother get picked on and beat up day after day until he quit school, but it was OK, because, my friend, I had you. When that senior said I messed around with him, and everybody called me a slut- that was when I learned to drink you during the daytime. When Johnny broke up with me, you were there, unflinching, until the pain was gone. When I tried to go out and socialize with other humans, you were always there to hold my hand.

As the years went by, you stayed with me. When I had the abortion- remember that? When TJ went to live with his Dad- I swear I don't know how I could've got through it without you. All the times we had to go to court - I always rushed to you as soon as it was over. All my husband's screaming accusations were easier to take, because I knew that you were waiting for me when it was all over. Then, when my marriage fell to pieces, of course you were there. When Dad died, yep - it was you. You get me to sleep when I can't stop my mind from thinking. When I want to have sex and I can't keep that creepy guy's fingers out of my head - you get me over the hump (HA! that was great!)

And remember the good times? Remember our first concert? All the parties? You were there for the first time I made love. And the second, and the third - come to think of it, you've been there for most all of them! All the fun nights spent playing darts - good times. The days at King's Dominion. The days at the beach. The road trips. The weddings- ah, the weddings. And the nights we spend alone - a few slugs and that warm feeling spreads through me and I am not so stupid or lonely anymore.

You are always available. You never say no. You are everywhere. All I have to do is get to the nearest store by 11:00.

I know there is a price to pay for everything, and for our friendship, my liver will suffer. I may already have the beginnings of chirrosis, since I have known you going on 28 years now. But you know what? Given the same circumstances, I would do it over again. You have allowed me to at least experience what a normal life would've been like. If I could've known then what I know now, I probably never would have picked you up. But I want to acknowledge the help you've given me over the years, and say Thank you. You are the best friend I ever had.
1:44:31PM

8/03/02 My stomach is growling. It is growling and I want something to eat. But I will not. I will drink instead. Vodka has only 10 calories per shot, and I mix it with diet coke, which has 0. So my drinking obsession will not affect my body obsession. Yes, it tastes nasty. Small price to pay. And if I'm good, I can drink beer the next time I go out, and still remain 125 lbs. Even that seems big to me. I'm used to being 110. But I'm getting older, it's not as easy as it used to be. I don't stick my finger my throat, which I consider a victory.

I remember one time, I was about 31 or so- my Mom tried to feed me a piece of chicken and I said no, I wasn't hungry and she said "I think that's all you've eaten in the past year, is one piece of chicken."

25 spaces for comments. And 25 spaces with no comments. *sigh* I am a waste of net space.

11:16:59PM

8/02/02 Had the day off today, plus it was payday. Wooooo! I took Johnny down to Fredricksburg where we went to the mall, ate lunch, then walked around buying stuff. I got him a $30 bamboo sword (he is into this stuff - i dunno, it made him happy) which the really cool girl gave me for $28.80. She asked, was I an employee of the mall? Did I get some other discount? and I said no, I'm just a hard-working single Mom, and she said, "well, so was mine, I'll give it to you anyway." What a cool girl.

Then I got my ear pierced. Up in the cartilage, where I had it before. But the last time it got infected, I had to take it out. This time I made sure I got a 14k gold earring. Hope it works.

Then we went to Funland and played The Simpsons video game until my fingers hurt. Damn, Marge can swing that vacuum cleaner!

Forgot to credit the links from two days ago - the only one I can remember is pornolize which I got from mysinglemomlife.

11:16:59PM

8/01/02 What to say, what to say? Nothing happened at work today. I made an ass of myself a couple of times, over stupid things. People just have to accept my absent-mindedness. Lil girl was there today, and said "B" came in on my day off (tuesday) and was telling her I came to his show. She said he was all sweaty. Hmm... sorry I missed that! But hey, it means that he came somewhere where he might've run into me, just two days after (you know.) So maybe he's remembering too. At least he's not avoiding me. That would be fucking tragic.

We still might lose the house. Long story, but I may have to move soon. Gotta go check out some apartments tomorrow. Luckily, my birthday's coming up, so I can beg cash gifts off of everybody and hopefully make a deposit. Crikes!

It's weird, but I don't really mind moving. It's kind of exciting, and you get to rearrange your stuff and decorate a new place. I guess I'm just used to it. We moved, let me think, five times before I hit High School. I like getting around new people and checking them out. You never know. Plus it'll be a relief to get a place i can afford better. I hate juggling all these bills to try and pay this mortgage.

I'm trying to put a good face on it, but I will miss the house terribly. It's been a good house. The kids did the majority of their growing up here. At least I could give them that. But Johnny, little guy, he's still coming along with me. Bouncing and weaving with the tide. That is life, isn't it? At least the way I know it.

I can't imagine having everything be steady and knowing that you're never gonna have to change anything and you can always count on having a sure thing. I envy those people, but it doesn't seem to be the hand I was dealt. And I wouldn't have met some of these great people that I love if I hadn't have gone where I went. So.. optimism. And I am very lucky. Just look at the last few entries.

9:29:27PM