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What comes to your mind when you hear
the word "recovery"? You probably think
of someone who is starting to recoup or
feel better after they have been sick
for awhile or after having surgery.
This section of my homepage is going to
talk about the disease of addiction. I
will share some of my own experiences as
an addict and try to show that
there is hope out there for the addict
that still suffers.
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I learned the Serenity Prayer when I was 13 years old. Ever since then, it has popped up at times in my life. This prayer has taught me many things. I believe this prayer can be a healing device in any situation in your life. It has been in mine. It doesn't change bad situations, but it allows us to accept them and change our own attitudes towards life. It has allowed me to take back control of my own life and to "Let go and Let God".
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I first experiemented with drugs when I
was 18 years old. I tried pot. I
didn't really like it or dislike it. I
could live without it. A couple months
later, I really began struggling with
life. I was so lost. I was searching
for something to fill the void in my
heart that I had felt since young
childhood. I moved to a town about 30
minutes from my hometown. It was there
that I experienced life on the streets.
I lived in a homeless shelter for a few
days where I met a lady who befriended
me. I was desperate and if you even
looked at me, I called you a friend.
She introduced me to crack. After being
caught smoking in the shelter, we were
both kicked out. I was on the streets.
What a scary place to be! I became
addicted to crack within a couple of
days (it only takes once!). It became
my escape from life. It was the only
way I could hide my fears and pain. I
began doing things I never in my life
imagined I would do. I couldn't believe
I had lowered myself this much! After
awhile, this lady whom I called a
friend, went her own way and I was left
alone to survive on the streets. I did
anything I could do just to survive and
one of the things I needed to survive
was crack. I did anything and
everything to get the drug. This lasted
for a couple of months in the middle of
winter. Finally, I became so desperate
and low that I not only wanted to escape
life emotionally, but physically as
well. I went on a 3 day binge. I tried
to smoke so much that I would pass out
and die. Fortunately this didn't
happen. I did pass out, but obviously I
lived. I was rushed to the hospital.
Then I was put in a psych hospital. I
lasted a couple of days and went right
back out with the intent of trying it
again. After being picked up by the
police and spending a night in jail, I
was put back in the hospital. I then
realized I was not meant to die. I was
not meant to have this kind of life!
There was something better out there for
me. It was then that I started on the
road to recovery.
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"Recovery is a journey between two stations. One station represents total
chaos, and the other represents total serenity. What is important is not
where you are, but what direction you are facing."
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Although I didn't become totally
drug-free when I was released from the
hospital, I had some sense of hope that
there was a better life out there for
me. I began to search for myself. I
still had a feeling of being lost, but
instead of giving up, I began my search.
I lived in a group home for a couple of
months. I then began working and trying
to live independently. I wasn't living
a stable life, but it was better than
being on the streets. I moved around a
lot, trying to search for happiness. In
March of 1998, just after my 20th
birthday, I met my birth mother. I had
not seen her since I was 5 years old. I
looked her up, wanting to be reunited
with her and my siblings (3 sisters and
1 brother). I'll never forget the day I
met them all. It was one of the best
days of my life. I thought that this
reunion would finally fill the void in
my soul that I had for so long tried to
fill. And at first, it did. After a
couple of months I even moved in with
one of my sisters. I thought I had
found a place that would make me happy.
I loved being there with her. I wanted
to prove to them that I could make it on
my own and be independent and I tried,
but I later returned to my drug
behaviours. The reunion was a happy
event, but after the newness of it wore
off, it began to bring about so many
mixed emotions and confusion. I needed
to escape the pain and I began using
again. They were still there, but they
felt the need to back off a little bit
in fear of being hurt by me. Hey, I
don't blame them. I was a mess!
After living with my sister for about 5
months,I began
moving around again. I met people on
the internet and moved with them. In
January of 1999, I was introduced to
narcotic pain killers. I never even
knew there was such a thing. Of course,
being an addict already, I became very
addicted to them. I thought it was
cool. I wasn't doing anything illegal
in my eyes except smoking pot daily.
The doctor prescribed pain killers to me
for 6 months straight. I abused them
something awful! One day in June of
'99, I broke down. I didn't want any
part of this life any longer. I then met
someone else who was willing to take me
in and give me a chance. Her name is
Nancie. Although I began to search
for myself back in May or so of 1998, it
wasn't until Nancie took me in that I
began truly making progress. Of course,
I had many setbacks, but I made real
progress. Part of it all was not only
having someone stand by me saying "I
care; you can make it", but also someone
whom I could look to as a role model. I
believe this is what truly made the
difference. Someone believed in me, and
eventually I began to believe in myself!
In December of 1999, I made a big step
and stepped out onto my own again and
got an apartment with my best friend. I felt so
grown up again and was proud of myself. As of August 2003, for a reason that I will probably never understand, God has chosen to take Nancie out of my life. I accept that things happen for a reason and I know she was there for a reason and allowed God to use her for His purposes.
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"Failure isn't in falling down, it's in
failing to get back up."
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As I reflect back on the years 2000-2003, I see mountains, valleys, oceans of lonliness and depression, rivers of joy, and seasons of change. In 2000, I had a pretty big setback and relapsed on pain killers, but I didn't quit trying. I moved forward and learned a lot that year. I don't remember much about 2001, but I remained drug-free, after my relapse in 2000, until early 2002. I injured my neck back in 2001 but it got better for some time. It began giving me problems and I was dealing with excrutiating pain daily beginning in the early part of 2002. Needless to say, I began taking pain killers for the problem until I had neck surgery (ruptured disc) in March of 2002. I didn't struggle too terribly to get off the pain killers following my surgery. Sometime around June that year, floods of depression overwhelmed me. Life began to look bleak and despair was all I could see. My pattern in the past had been to run when life got hard. Well, I ended up moving to Texas in the fall, thinking it would make life better. I was dead wrong. When the depression only got worse, I began taking pain killers again to numb the pain, both physical and emotional. Taking pain killers became a way of life for me. I saw no future for myself. I got to the point where I genuinely wanted to die, especially when I heard the news about how sick my dad was. In and out of the hospital for 6 months, my dad was slowly dying of Alcoholism. I spent my last Christmas with him that year. He died in February of 2003. I was holding his hand when he died. When he took his last breath, a part of me died inside too.
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My dad's death was the beginning of a long journey for me in 2003. Life never had made any sense to me before, but it sure didn't make any sense when my dad died. 2003 has been the hardest year of my life. I have lived in the deepest of the depths of depression this year. When my dad died, my use of pain killers only increased. It was all I could do to just numb myself from the pain for even five minutes. It has been one thing after another this year. I have dealt with health problem after health problem which has been very debilitating, as if depression weren't debilitating enough. I have lost eleven relationships (including my dad) this year. I have definitely learned a lot about relationships/friendships this year. The biggest thing I've learned--being stabbed in the back by someone whom you respected hurts terribly. I've learned that in life, there is no certainty. In October of this year (2003), I decided either I had to die or I had to learn to live. Fortunately, I chose the latter. I checked myself into a hospital and finally said what I should have said long ago--HELP. I ditched the pain killers and am now drug-free. It sure hasn't been easy. I'm struggling terribly, but my faith has grown stronger over the past couple months. I have found forgiveness in God. I said I had learned that there is no certainty in life. Well, recently, I have learned even a more important lesson. With God, there is security. Life changes, but God never does. He's the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow, and I am learning to "build my house on The Rock."
Living Life One Day at a Time
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That's how I do it! I know I have
divided my homepage into different
sections, separating my recovery and my
faith, but really the two go hand in
hand. I can't talk about my recovery
without talking about my faith. It's
soley my faith that has enabled me to
say today "I am drug-free and finding New Beginnings." I am
proud to say that. The four
biggest things that have helped me in my
recovery are:
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Taking life "One day at a time"
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Relying on God for strength
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Applying the Serenity Prayer to my life
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Taking advantage of the NA program
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Today I can say that I am beginning to love life. I
just had to find life! And I believe
that with the help of NA, my higher
power (whom I choose to call God), and
my friends, I am beginning to find life.
I have begun to find myself. I still have a lot of work to do!
And no one ever said it was easy, but I believe I can do it and with God's help, I will do it.
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