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ME AND MY BABE BRANDI !!!
april 25, 2000
these past few days i havent cared much about updating, mostly because ive been sick, but like that matters anyways, i begin to write and my thoughts escape me, i had it all planned out, lovely how my memory works to decieve me
friends cry out, seeking what they want of me, a better understanding of what im doing of which i dont ever think i could relay to them in all the time im allowed in this life, it is a constant pile of dealings that i have yet to ever even uncover, how can any person fully explain their actions, sure they may have a reason for doing it, but is it good or strong enough to stand, we all do things for a reason, we dont always know why, only God knows that, but they have meaning in our lives, some just cant understand and attempt too strenuously to do so that they miss the underlying motive which was never meant to be found in the first place
no yearbook signing for me, and i expect no signing of mine in return, i just once again see no point in it, we may look back once or twice in our future to the yearbooks in an attempt to remember the better youthful days we had, only to read the small writings others put on the pages that could never do justice to the friendships we had with those people
some look up to me, not too much of an example for actions, maybe morals cause i seem to be one of the few ppl who still has a thing called willpower, i dont give into temptation that easily, and in most cases not at all, basically concerning the things that society sees as wrong, such as drugs, alcohol, smoking, sex, all of which are sustaining the declination of society, we know them to be bad and are told they are, all the more reason to go and try it to the youths of america seeking to differentiate themselves from the accepted norms that our parents and elders of society have laid before us, do we go through a phase of our lives where we must rebel against any and/or all things, probably so, but i like to think now that i am rebelling against the rebels, still yet taking the other side of society laid before me because it is a path laid by the former rebels themselves
may 7, 2000
that is quite amazing how i havent updated since last month, almost two weeks, well id have to say that ive just been too busy to even bother with it, just goes to show ya that an addiction can be broken or at least controlled.
had some other things more important to do, like catch up on my television watching, work outside, physical activities outdoors in the good weather we seem to have been blessed with this past week, tennis matches dominated lately, had three in a row, mon-wed, then had some awards thing thurs and fri and sat, well i did stuff and didnt bother with this thing
surprise for me when i tried to update today, funny how i only missed a couple weeks and they go and change the look of everything, guess thats what happens when you go away and neglect something
wrote down some just just this fri but well it was cleaned up very well and didnt quite make it out alive from the wash, but i had salvaged some earlier notes
if everyone spent time with ppl this year then would we really have time for everyone, hell no, we are already spread too thin as it is getting college crap together and finishing high school, its a bit late for all that last minute get together crap that ppl wanna do, shouldve enjoyed the time while we had it
you cant enjoy something that is screwed up, sure it may be able to be worked out but when one side wont bend wills and the other wont because that side is tired of bending til it breaks its a hopeless cause so forget about it
if you go on your word more than likely thats not good enough, ppl are too inclined to change their minds, what you think might be good at the time you might rather not bother with later
concentration=failure, if you try too hard you wont make it, just do and have fun, happiness is based on ignorance, so be stupid
"you can be the moon and still be jealous of the stars" a line from a gary allen song, i get it in my own perception, id much rather be opposite of everyone and still i find jealousy behind it all
society is so often too quick to criticize, and way too quick to reward those who need no more recognition than they already have, awards do mean something at the time, but do they really stand the test of time, they are merely reminders of the past which we focus on too much, if it was good enough to deserve an award then you should remember it and be known for that not the award
leave the past where it is, in the past, but dont forget the lessons that it taught
say something stupid every now and then, helps you tell if you have a good sense of humor or not to the ppl who hear it
learning is only testing the capacity of the memory and adaptability
whats the deal with it all
we will all eventually fall
everyone can drop the ball
run right into a wall
whats the use in tryin
we just end up dyin
or in the least cryin
why bother with anything
its really of no use
just simply tyin our noose
may 10, 2000
i need to address so many things that i can hardle even keep up with them all, i know that i cant debate very well or defend myself in verbal combat, i am a slow thinker and it takes me some time to come up with a reply, something to back up what i am sayin, i should be really good friends with some ppl, but then again who really needs me around, i dont work well with ppl, and when i need to relay to someone what im talkin about i cant, they dont understand when i expect them to be able to comprehend, but why is it that i understand others so well, they are more apt to relay in an comprehensive manner, maybe thats the answer, i should spend time telling ppl whats goin on with me more often, that puts me in a dandy position to be torn apart quickly, only later when i use my perfect vision of hindsight to justify what i was trying to say in a manner others can get, communication must be one of my flaws, but those that can see the vague statements i make sometimes are the ones who can understand me and are worth the effort in keeping tabs with
i must be stupid for being so secluded from everyone, only problem is thats when i feel okay about things, it does have its downfalls almost more than the good things, but thats who i am, i would be of no use to ppl and i basically am, maybe its my way of craving attention in reverse of the norm, i want ppl to know me but then i have a weak heart because lots of ppl use things ive done against me, by putting me down with it, im guilty of doing that too by the way, it just tears me up so much to have ppl talk about me, im a private person, my heart stays in my chest i would rather it not be on my sleeve
im so constantly on the defense of everything, what ive done, the things i say, id rather hide it than have it in the open, i do care if it hurts ppl what i say, id rather not offend anyone or hurt them, i leave that to those who tell it like it is, they seem more able minded to take the guilty conscience than i
to break something right now would help me out so much, i have all this anger and rage i need to dispose of with no proper outlets available to me
if ya hate ppl so much why would you deal with them, i mean being a hermit right now sounds so inviting, its just too hard to leave this damn world behind, it keeps its pursuit, the places where ppl arent are dwindling, mostly uninhabitable areas where nobody wants to live
slap ppl in the face with the past, that always works well, the things you have done have a great influence on the present and future, you just dont understand them until youre in that situation
its just like ppl saying they didnt say that when you talk about something they said in the way you interpreted it to be, that burns me up, if i suck at communication why should i be singled out, evidentally it is a two way street, do you speak in a way others totally understand
...hell yeah....
im attempting to teach lessons to some ppl
i love hiding behind this computer screen
i miss the way things were
i know im a dick for actin the way i do towards some
i enjoy being that way
i contradict myself all too often
i dont relay my feelings and thoughts well
i dont like dealing with ppl
i wanna be different
im tired of this and that
im sick of being the weak one
i can do something about it
i will be as stubborn as the next person
hell yeah
may 14, 2000
this has been one sleepless weekend, i was out so late both fri and sat nights, didnt designate much time for sleeping and let me say it isnt good to do that, makes you too grumpy during the day
i was informed of how my brother is known to ppl, ive seen some hints of his actions in school but i dont know him how he acts at school, somewhat resembles my actions it seems, but i know who he is well enough, better than those who are quick to judge him
the prom is such a bunch of crap, ammo for the feeble minded to spread their spell of others' tainted reputations to willing to listeners
im giving up today, too tired to bother
my family always seems to back the underdogs, sports teams that a majority of ppl like, we could care less for and hope that they get beat as often as possible, country music awards shows always disappoint me, hardly ever does anyone get an award whom i think deserves it, its always the one who got enough awards already that gets it, the moment that team loses or a shocker gets an award, we rejoice, i find no harm in that, just a personality trait of the family, going agianst the crowd, excellent
may 25, 2000
graduation, yet another event that everyone is supposed to enjoy and remember, probably remember it of course, but i dont find it to be so much ppl make it out to be. if i was to make a speech it wouldnt be pretty, it would be filled with crap anyways. the fact that you must submit your speech in advance of the event burns me, where do the rights of free speech fall into that, especially considering the editor reviewing them. not like they outta be reviewed in the first place, these are the brightest young adults this school has, they didnt get there by doing wrong, what could they possibly do anyhow, i think these adults are just adding fuel to the fire of everyone disliking these events cause they are totally taking all of the fun out of everything. these graduation speeches are accepted to have inspirational and motivational content, filled with praises on the school, faculty, student body, life, this moment of graduation, and various other mushy BS that ppl want us to say. id much rather hear a reality based speech, something filled with grievances about it all, things arent all that hunky-dory, the memories that most stand out are the bad ones, talk about them, dont forget about those, also put in the stuff about ppl, yeah the embarrassing things, if you didnt want ppl to know about them, then just why the hell did you do it in the first place, you might as well tell everyone, they basically know anyways they just choose to deny it or keep it hush-hush as usual. just bash everything, thats what we do anyways, out with the bluff make room for the real stuff. i know im gonna laugh at one speech in particular, and not because they put jokes in it, its because that person is a joke, and i could believe just about nothing they ever said. graduation, what can i say, yet another event in life with exceeding expectations dashed afterwards.
may 27, 2000
i didnt need today off, of all the times i really needed some time to be lazy it didnt fit the bill for today, it just doesnt and at least for today didnt fell necessary, i could think of so many other times when today wouldve fit perfectly, just today came at the wrong moment
friends are growing apart now, this has been strongly pointed out, it is so evident looking back on it all, if friendships are supposed to last forever, that sure is wrong, i can think of so many instances to prove otherwise, just in my own life, its just not the best situation but thats life, it all goes down just as it should
ive got a book of quotes that ive had forever and im just now to the point where it is interesting, i mean the age which i can comprehend the stuff in it, now im sifting through it for the best quotes to post on here, should be very thought provoking
may 30, 2000
i write about nothing in my updates, wow what a concept, wouldnt those making the remark enjoy myself retorting on their worthless crap they post, of course they would, thats how you retaliate
those kinda ppl all over the world
you find them throughout your life
those that demolish your dwindling self esteem
and the ones that lay the foundation once again
those who act so foolishly you want to smack em
and the ones that are so intelligent you couldnt compete with
those who are stubborn and assholes about everything
and the ones who touch us all with their joy of life
those who wouldnt even give you the time of day
and the ones who bend over backwards to aid your endeavors
those who are confident enough to press on to new heights
and the ones who cower the first steps onward fearing the change
those that exploit the sins of life constantly
and the ones that keep this to a minimum
those that attempt to please everyone
and the ones that remain true to themselves and who they really are
those that once were your friend but discontinue the bond
and the ones who can relate to you and always will be and were your friend
those that want to control you
and the ones that allow you to be yourself
we are like little children being stripped of our privaledges, hell we are all old enough to do as we ought to and know where the line we cant cross is, the adults think we are too stupid still when in fact they are the little children whining because they dont get their way trying to force us to conform
we are supposed to be enjoying graduation and this time of our lives, not having to bend to the will of the nazi senior sponsor, i want my freedom just as much as they do, why should i disregard mine for their own, im not gonna disrespect the school, its just wearing sandals for crying out loud, i might be whining, but im being and asshole about it just as much as they are, only im the one with balls enough to go through with what i say, keeping my integrity, what does it matter if we all look the same, if God intended that then we would, if perfection were achievable then we would obtain it and done so already, why ruin the feeling of pride of one person doing something against the lawlayers, id just like to know where it says that i have to dress like that anyway, its just accepted that way, all traditions have to start somewhere and usually with someone doing something out of the ordinary or "different", ive been ruled long enough, if i wanted my life controlled i wouldve joined the military, if i wanted to be a sheep then i wouldve been a goody-good and done as i was told, what difference does it make anyway, it doesnt, but i feel strongly about it and i have a right to do so, and i will argue my case until i am proven wrong, i stand my ground on the issue and i might just even go against my word for the sake of it
june 16, 2000
im finding other more necessary and other quite unnecessary uses of my time than to update my web page, i just havent had the yurning or any particular reason to do so, even get on the computer for that matter, i must be getting even lazier, oh well i have made a quotes page that i have been working on, that should count for something
must be that everyone else has stuff they wanna do now adays since school is out, no schedule of anyones is the same, the contact between some ppl has gotten to the point of being nonexistent, they are the ones i never really mattered to anyways so i can deal with that loss
my mind is all in jumbles with all the things that i must prepare for and do before i leave for college, along with everyday tasks, just leaves the time i do have free in so many different times of the day i dont know how to use it adequately
well that was a load of bs, but thats as to be expected
june 26, 2000
wastin the time away, i must be extremely good at that, i complain when i have too much to do and i complain when i have too little, i guess i cannot be satisfied, just as i think everyone else is in the same boat as i
i realized a few things while watching maury on television, ppl seem to go to extremes especially in the realm of deviant behaviors, cant these parents control their own children, i mean when the female child is 13 years old and had 19 different sexual partners and done it everyday for six months, something is haywire there, their are measures for restraining these promiscuous youngsters, i thank God that ive been in a home that was good enough to allow me to have an intelligent head on my shoulders and make smart decisions on top of being able to respect myself enough NOT to give in to temptations such as sex drugs and alcohol
this summer has been kind to me, as one of my friends told me they told someone else when they were inquired about my demeanor, i was doing better because i was away from ppl and things that were causing my disgust, i believe that has a lot to do with it, in fact it just could be the reason
ive realized that i am an umbelievably jealous person, i wish i had that that someone else does, if i could only do what they can do, i need to learn that it doesnt matter what others have, be happier with what you do have, if you were meant to have it then you'll get it, stuff happens for a purpose, we just never see that purpose in its full light, just complain about it when we really need to realize that its life and that is precious, days are numbered, use them
what a wasted life we lead, productivity of mine is hardly evident, i used to get up about every morning at 830 and go work out making the rest of the day go well and i would feel better about it, but then that got changed, now the weightroom and the fieldhouse wont even be open until 6pm, this totally changes everything, now i cant get outta bed in the mornings and i stay up way too long into the evenings, take for example last night, i finally turned my TV off at about 150am, about the time i got to the point i could stay up no longer, id been doing that even when i got up at 830, maybe i should try going to bed earlier, but like thatll happen
my writing has just ceased to exist here lately, mainly because i have had near to nothing to anger me to the point i need to share it or get it outta my system, staying away from ppl helps tremendously, i dont care too much about being around those that i dont feel comfortable around or have no tolerance for, out of school means i dont have to be constantly confronting these issues that i have with others
as i was thinking last night, i need to have another relationship, especially one that turns out to be horrible, that would fuel my writing, i could turn out some really good stuff then, but i was informed by a friend that a popular artist had said the same thing, course thats what gives most writers motivation, the greatest majority of songs are ones that deal with heartbreak, so powerful an emotion is about the only thing that would give my brain some influence to put out some substance onto paper
dont get your hopes up and think that something will just be the same great thing that it always has been for you, that lesson i learned last weekend when i made a trip to the cabin, i still love the place, but it was much too different this time, all the things that i had grown accustom to and the order they were in seemed to be inverted, it just was an ill feeling the controlled me, i dont know what it was but this trip just wasnt fun
right now could be the worst ive felt all summer, i just have no energy in me, my eyes hurt, my head hurts, im feelin kinda sick, im just so tired yet i press on, still looking for the motivation, that keeps me hangin on, to the life i still claim to be mine
july 16, 2000
what if i just sat around and played on the computer most days, well ya know that was exactly the case last week, all the things i couldve been doin that would prove useful, that is countless, and i say im bored, well the rain didnt make matters any better, the usual time i go out and get my running exercise done it was either too wet, or well i ended up catching a darn head cold that made me even the more lazy than usual, this week should be better since ill be able to get up early and lift seeing as how football camp is going on
is it really worth the trouble sometimes
to do all the endless tasks this world has for us
weve made it more complicated than it was
why bother
whats the use
whenever the job is done
just means you have more left to do
then no more than you get the other done
you must come back and do over what you had done before, AGAIN!
i dont know why but when i decide to update it brings out the worst feelings ive had, i make it all sound worse than it really is, im rather content, i just like to complain a whole bunch
july 25, 2000
just a moment ago i did something extremely stupid, i visited the site of my x-girlfriend, how dumb was that, well let me see here, im about to go off now, boy do i wish i could just do some lifting or running right now, channel all these feelings into something positive, but well its late and i cannot
it doesnt surprise me what ppl do, i just enjoy complaining about it so it seems, man oh man, i dont know what to do with myself now, its not like im hurt about what ive just read, it just burns me up inside to know or actually be reminded of how stupid ppl are, on top of that how hypocritical they can be, especially when it comes to feelings
i should be jealous and all about her good fortune, but im actually not, im happy enough being a bachelor, you dont have to worry about all these relationship things and issues, i also should be mad about how things ended up being between her and i, and well i was, but now i seem to laugh it off, she was actually dumber than i realized, its just sad to know how stupid i was to fall for her crap she kept feedin me, i feel sorry for this guy even more, what a bit of hell he'll be going through soon enough as i forecast it
well i feel a bit better now, ive got some junk out
soon ill be on the road to college for football practice, so after august 12 i wont be around here til the holidays, and to all the readers, ill see ya around possibly
August 13, 2000
Well seems that yesterday was one boring day, except for the time when I made a wrong turn in Kentucky on my way here, but that only added probably a half hour to 45 minutes to my trip, nothing major, I was able to remedy it thankfully. I believe I even made up for time a bit cause I got behind a couple cars goin about 85mph in Lexington, total trip I think took about 9hrs 30min, maybe if I go the correct way next time it wont be so long and tedious
if I never see another corn field it wouldn’t ruin anything, the sun stays out just a bit longer out here, im used to the sun being down early in the afternoon since my house at home is on the southeastern side of the hill
my roommate is a pretty cool guy, he’s just a bit on the small side, about 5’6”, 160lbs, not little but smaller than me of course
when I had a moment to spare from packing yesterday afternoon I already missed my family back home, heck I hardly talked to anyone here cept for my roommate until just this afternoon doin the tests they have for football, my best 40yd out of the 3 we did was 5.25, and I did the shuttle run, 6-50yd dashes without stopping, in 53 seconds, me being thrown in with the linemen I was pretty quick, id say with the work I do in the off season ill be able to do much better next year, just hafta work at it, my best event was the 225lbs bench reps, I did 8 and almost got 9 but I was feeling pretty weak after all of that running, but that’s what football is about
I haven’t been able to call anyone even a local call because they haven’t set up the phones for calls out, you can call in at anytime, but you hafta have a calling card to call anyone right now, I believe they said it would be hooked up by the 20th and I think the net then too, by the time ppl read this itll be past then anyhow probably
I wish this dang word processor would stop fixing my writing, I don’t capitalize or punctuate except for a comma, and that’s just so ppl will be able to get what im trying to say
Life will be tough for awhile, but im strong enough to get used to it, heck I know itll get tougher, but that’s life as its come to be known
August 14, 2000
Well it hasn’t even been a full day of practice yet, its about 11am here right now, brunch is over with, I only wish I could eat more but its hard, the main thing I wanted to write about today is the fact that I didn’t think I would be feeling so horribly about being away from home, heck I was looking forward to getting outta town, but well I say screw that thought, I am so homesick it almost hurts, I have a picture of me, my brothers and my dad and I can hardly even look at it without breaking down into tears, I just cant help but miss them so much, I love them all, and it is so true when ppl say you don’t know what you have til its gone, and that holds its ground with me
I seem to have been put with the offensive line as I thought I might end up being, im just too slow to go anywhere else, I can run my ass off all that I want but that isn’t gonna help, these guys are tip top athletes, not to say im not a good one, but im mediocre at this level, at least I was put at center, im glad I could at least snap the ball, I can live with that, the cadence is big time different from what im used to, its down…ready-set-go, the last three words all run together basically, you snap on go and the rest of the linemen are already leaving on set
I need some friends out here, but so far im off to a terrible start, being the introverted person that I am, I don’t speak to many ppl at all, if I do it’s a quick reply like yeah or okay or nodding my head, I wish they would have the damn net up by now so that I could speak to the outside world, and ppl back home but ill have to wait for that, I also need some tv cable so I could at least be occupied by something instead of nothing but music, ive just about played all the songs I have til im tired of that, im just scraping by on boredom and pure physical fatigue
The dorms aren’t exactly what I expected them to be, don’t get me wrong it’s a decent room, its just a one floor building that is isolated from the rest of the campus, so it usually gets the shaft on things such as phones and the internet being hooked up
August 15, 2000
Its amazing how one day can change, I got a really good nights sleep, got into kinda a routine, startin to remember faces, im not good with the names yet, ive talked just a bit more, not much but it’s a start, I actually laughed this morning, we actually had some food I could eat thankfully, ive gotten a better handle on the plays we are running, I even watched some tv in the lounge area, all in all im in better spirits, all I could use now is for the phones and internet to be up, and the tv hooked up.
What does it mean when they throw the mats in sumo wrestling?
Coach Funk is in most ways like Coach Jones
I can see the planes leaving from St. Louis
Offensive lineman, here, are in a 4-point stance cause we run the wing
August 16, 2000
It seems as though the phones have been connected to this phone service thing where you must have a # code to get authorization to use the phone at any time, I guess ill just have to wait and see if I can get anything done tomorrow morning when the new students are supposed to have a meeting kind of like an orientation, im not for sure but I think that we are able to miss a team meeting, if we have one, to go to it, we had better be cause ive got a few questions id like answered, and id like to be able to call home sometime and see how things are going, sorta put my mind at ease a little
Today was the first day of really hitting practice, seems im the 5th in line at center, course im a freshman and that is usually where you start off, at the end, the rest of the guys in front of me have been here before, and im doing my best, that’s all anyone can ask from me, im slowly learning all the plays and how this offense works, its all a process and im sore as anything, and that’s to be expected I guess
Well ive had enough fun for this morning, I think I had better rest up for this afternoons 1-on-1
August 16, 2000 (cont)
The 1-on-1’s weren’t very bad, as usual the competition is very stiff, especially since the level of these guys is way higher than in high school, both times I ended up on the ground but it wasn’t because I missed the guy, I just never got a good base with my feet and I need to get a little lower, im not having to do all this pulling stuff like I did in high school where I had to be up to run, you just about need to crawl out here to block, I need some work real bad, but hey, that’s what practice is for
It was very hot out today and yesterday at the afternoon practices, it isn’t as humid as it is at home, it’s a different type of heat, I just don’t think its too different, I mean its still hot as hell and I sweat like crazy anyhow, so it feels pretty normal to me
Man am I gonna have some email when I finally get on the net, that should be fun sorting through, itd be nice to finally talk with ppl back home though
August 17, 2000
You wouldn’t believe the relief ive felt just now, I finally got through and called home, it was great just to hear my dads voice on the line and know that things are goin alright back home, it gives me a little more strength to go on and continue what im doin, im glad to know ppl are pulling for me and hope I do well, that gives me some added confidence to press on even when I feel I cant go on, ive been trying so hard not to be homesick but when I have time to sit here and think that’s all that my mind goes to, im such a wus when it comes to stuff like this, I get teary eyed constantly, I guess im just getting things out, letting the emotions flow freely, im just so glad I called home, now if I could just get on the net, id feel even better
August 18, 2000
Rain here is very different than back home, especially when it comes with a thunderstorm, no mountains are here to break up the intensity, and the thunder is horrid, it is 100X louder than back home, it doesn’t resonate in the mountains because their isn’t any here to do that, I was woken up several times because of the horrendous clap of thunder, and the lightning was so constant the sky hardly was dark, it was amazing to watch however
We didn’t practice outside today because they deemed the field too saturated and would most likely just cause nagging injuries, we just had meetings and lifted, probably be on the field this afternoon, but right now its still cloudy, I hope it stays that way, cause I don’t want another day of practice with a heat index of over 100 degrees, it is awful then, they don’t make us do full pads, but it still is tough, im just interested in when and if I can play, just hafta take it day by day
August 19, 2000
I just hope the scrimmage tonight goes well for me, ive been working hard enough I believe, and I should get to play some, practice wasn’t very hard this morning, actually extremely easy, we just went over some plays and looks we might see on defense this afternoon
Scooter, my roommate, and I actually had a pretty interesting conversation last night, he did most of the talking, I just asked questions every now and then, it was mostly about the wildlife and plants and general stuff about the area, which he is closer to knowing than I am, and I finally got a good nights sleep since I didn’t the night before because of the storms, which scooter had no idea happened until he woke up yesterday morning, seems he sleeps very soundly
the lightning has a very large impact around here, several limbs were struck down, and I mean large limbs too, one hit a car, one fell off a good sized tree near the fitness center, and another on the other side of the practice field near the apartment buildings, seems one near the cemetery was hit so severely that wood was scattered across the street onto the campus
boy will I have a long update when I finally get on the net
August 20, 2000
Last night our scrimmage went well, it was at Lindenwood University, in St. Charles, Missouri, they had an awesome field, it was artificial turf, but not like the normal ones, it had some sort of black rubber dirt looking stuff all in it, the grass stuff felt odd but you could wear normal cleats on it, even in the rain we had it was still good enough to get a good grip on, lets just say the field was awesome, but that black rubber stuff smelled like tires and the little pieces of it got everywhere, that was the only downside, I didn’t really play too much, I did a few drills and 1-on-1’s and got three or four plays at center, but at least I got that, I was supposed to get 7 but I guess conditions and having all the injuries cut back on that a bit, im guessing I might be moved to guard or something now but that’s just speculation by me
Ive got practice this afternoon, then dinner and supposedly im going to get a call from home tonight, right now since I got up at 6:30 this morning to do my laundry after getting to bed at about 12:30 last night I think ill take a nap
August 20, 2000 (cont)
I wasn’t moved anywhere, but im on the scout team, that means that I gotta go against the starting defense and run the opposing team for that weeks offense, but I get to play on Mondays on the JV squad, that should be fun and a learning experience, but hey im not uptight about not playing, im just a freshman, I believe ill be doing quite a bit of pass blocking, but hey even if I stay on the scout team for 3 or 4 years it will be worth it I think, especially since its helping to pay for college, ill gladly work so I don’t have to pay so much later on, as long as I get a quality education and use of the fitness center ill be good, the reason I say I may be on the scout team for that long is cause im a bit undersized, im sure that some better equipped larger sized, guys will be recruited, I guess ill be like my younger brother and act as a punching bag basically
August 21, 2000
What a morning, I woke up more tired than when I went to bed, that always sucks, and this morning during practice we did four 4-touches, that is we all line up on the sideline and run across the field, back, across the field again, and back, so its 4 times across the field, and we did four of them so we ran a total of 16 across the field, and let me say it was no piece of cake at all, my legs were so weak I barely made it each time, they were just turning to jello and I was kinda flipping one in front of the other as we went, only the linemen had to do all four 4-touches, that really sucked when we had to do drills afterward too, ugh!, I just wanna rest but im not gonna be able to because I have some stuff I need to do and take care of
August 21, 2000 (cont)
Ah scout team offense, I ended up being a split end or a tight end depending on the play, guess that’s what you gotta do when your on the scout team, I tried to have fun with it, and I basically didn’t know what the heck I was doin, it was all new to me, but luckily they have the plays on a card for us to follow
I tried to get hooked up to the net but they said that it wouldn’t be until Thursday for that, and im guessing the bookstore is open since ive seen some ppl with books, so when I have time tomorrow ill go and get mine
Finally called Mark and Heather Schoenherr, they are the family friends out here that I have, they are really great ppl, I had no problem talking with them, it was just so easy, if I need anything they are my lifeline, and if im desperate I have somewhere to turn nearby, so nobody worry about that, id just like to get online and chat with the ppl back home, that would be really nice, cause ill probably be too busy to do any of that by the time its hooked up
August 22, 2000
Morning practice today was pretty easy, that just means itll be harder tomorrow since we don’t have afternoon practice today due to the fact that we have pictures, I only wish I had something to do tonight, ah
I got all but one of my books and ill be darned if it wasn’t highway robbery, I could only get one used book cause the rest of them changed or they just didn’t have anymore used ones left, everybody is out to get a share of the profits, and one lady in there, I guessed was the head person there was horrible, but thankfully I didn’t have to deal with her, nobody finds your books for you, you must do it, but thankfully they were labeled well enough
“Don’t be a stranger”- Mark and Heather Schoenherr
August 23, 2000
Im a bit late on the update for today, I was kinda roaming around campus and relaxing when I wasn’t doing that, today was most likely the last quiet day on campus before all the rest of the ppl get here
I did have all kinds of stuff to talk about, but then as I usually do I get to the point where I can spill it and I just cant remember what it was
I know ive gotta stop eating so much, dang, they need to cut back on that food they have out there, my eyes are way bigger than my stomach needs to be, I mean I cant work it all off during practice
Ive gotta get some mail that was sent indirectly to me, ive gotta hunt down the person it was sent to, I know them so that’s no problem, just gotta find them and get it if its there
We got some magnet things that show all the shows that are to take place this year on campus, they have 6 comics scheduled, and they are all big names, I just hope the shows aren’t canceled or they are sucky enough that I needed not waste my time seeing, they also have some hypnotists and other believe it or not shows lined up, most of the stuff is on Wednesday nights, luckily I have a 9am lab the following morning, wont that be fun
I had better be able to get on the net tomorrow maybe and clean out my email cause I know it is over capacitated
a personality is much like a sidewalk, most of the time it is either dominantly good or bad, which the large slab of concrete stands for, and then you have the cracks and spaces where the slabs meet, those are the creeping opposites of the dominant personality (complete BS but you know me, im full of it)
planes fly very much lower here, no mountains to contend with of course, and being near a big city and an air force base makes it ideal for seeing many planes
August 24, 2000
I was correct in saying yesterday was the last quiet day on campus, today was the uproar, all the other students made their way onto campus, bringing along their parents and dragging them around, made for a congested area, glad I didn’t have to drive places, I seemed to have been pinned in the parking lot anyhow
I heard many of the guys talking about the women folk around today, yeah plenty of them were out and about, seemed like 2 weeks without seeing but maybe one or two, but now they are everywhere, most of the guys said that the pickins was slim, saying that most of the girls weren’t very good looking, I might agree to a certain extent, but them it seemed just like anywhere else
Speaking of places being the same, geographically im in a totally different area, but its all the same as it is back home, the same stuff bothers me, the same problems face us all, I cant complain about the not interacting with so many ppl, im liking the solitude, its what fits me best, id rather not too awful many ppl know me, that rises awkward moments when you pass on campus, id rather stay away from that, but stupid me goes to a school with an enrollment of around 2000, and you can take a third of those being ppl ill never see or have contact with, so that leaves me a smaller # of ppl to deal which is an upside, I just hope I still have the ability to have a table to myself during meals, that is so much better than eating with ppl, I mean sure they are all around me, but not at that table, thank goodness, I am afraid however of those ppl who may force interaction with me, if I don’t wanna be bothered leave me alone, id rather live my life without disturbance or annoyance from the happy-go-lucky sort, thatll just piss me off about ppl even more than I am at the present time
I got a lot of things accomplished today, still waiting on the net though, but ive made some progress today at least, I should have cable by Saturday, im crossing my fingers for that, id like to be able to watch what id like to instead of having to go along with others in the majority, but as ive thought, ill get the tv about the time that I wont need it, being that im too busy to bother
a thought on the “don’t be a stranger quote”, technically I wont be a stranger, ppl will know me, I just wont know them, that’s how id like to keep it
the first jv game is coming up here in week or so, well 10 days, I might get to play in that, for now ill just settle in on the scout team and have fun with that, well enough for today
August 27, 2000
Didn’t do an update the past couple days, for one thing I had to get some stuff taken care of on Friday that id been trying to get done for awhile and finally it got done, and yesterday I got cable finally so I was watching tv for the first time in 2 weeks, ive basically been isolated from everything, I haven’t seen a newspaper or anything, so its all news to me, and everything im used to watching comes on an hour earlier and its not easy to get used to, on top of the stations being arranged so differently
I got out a little yesterday evening, had to find the wal-mart and get some supplies, I realized while I was there that I could never live in a city, it is just too crowded, too many ppl, too much congestion on the roads, a song lyric kept coming to mind “the city put the country back in me”, and I know that my heart still lives in the country, far from the hustle and bustle, id much rather be somewhere like my hometown, im not so homesick anymore, im starting to settle in somewhat, im so looking forward to thanksgiving though, that is the time that im planning on making a trip home and spending most of the time I have at my second home, the cabin, hunting, which is where my heart tells me I should be, that time is so far away though, but hopefully itll go by fast enough, ive got plenty of stuff to do til then to occupy my time
August 27, 2000
Didn’t do an update the past couple days, for one thing I had to get some stuff taken care of on Friday that id been trying to get done for awhile and finally it got done, and yesterday I got cable finally so I was watching tv for the first time in 2 weeks, ive basically been isolated from everything, I haven’t seen a newspaper or anything, so its all news to me, and everything im used to watching comes on an hour earlier and its not easy to get used to, on top of the stations being arranged so differently
I got out a little yesterday evening, had to find the wal-mart and get some supplies, I realized while I was there that I could never live in a city, it is just too crowded, too many ppl, too much congestion on the roads, a song lyric kept coming to mind “the city put the country back in me”, and I know that my heart still lives in the country, far from the hustle and bustle, id much rather be somewhere like my hometown, im not so homesick anymore, im starting to settle in somewhat, im so looking forward to thanksgiving though, that is the time that im planning on making a trip home and spending most of the time I have at my second home, the cabin, hunting, which is where my heart tells me I should be, that time is so far away though, but hopefully itll go by fast enough, ive got plenty of stuff to do til then to occupy my time
August 29, 2000
Is it too much to ask for a day where things go well, I mean sure I got to sleep in a little this morning but, hell if that helped me any, the rest of the day wasn’t worth crap, last night either, I finally figured out that my room seems to have only one, yes only one, hook up to the college network, the lousy bastards told me different, I am extremely pissed off and I would be using even stronger language, but that doesn’t help any, and for the icing on the cake this afternoon we were told we have practice at 6 in the morning, due to the heat, yes that would be a.m. way before the sun comes up, so ill be up say around 5 so I can get ready, with the hour and a half practice I might get to my 8 oclock class on time, other than that im really pleased with everything in my life at this moment, so happy in fact that im about to crack, the line between dreams and reality seems to be getting fuzzier, im starting to get them confused, wouldn’t that be great, end up like my mother, wow wonderful, im not seeing any upside to anything right now, my rock to stand on seems to be eroding away, things are changing and way too quickly for me to adjust to at this point, I don’t have a friend in this place so far, I just have associates, if only I wasn’t such an introvert, its killing me inside, and I cant do anything about it but press on and whine like a little baby in private, and put on my happy face whenever ppl are around, its just all messed up and I don’t know how to solve it, the ppl I initially thought were okay, well they are just about the opposite, and that’s messing with my head, I cant talk to ppl cept for email and I cant write enough or have ppl react to what im saying when I need it which would be at the moment, I once thought I was strong enough to strike out on my own and get away from home, but now that’s all I cant think of, home, I feel like total and complete nothing, I could use a pick me up asap but the closest one I can see is in late September when my family comes to visit, and im not sure that will happen, and it wont be the same, even my immediate family is changing too much for me to keep up with, I just don’t think im cut out for this, but ill just go about my loser way, and get by with nothing but darkness in my soul cause the flames are dwindling so close to extinguishments, maybe I should open up the poetry book and write some more now that im in the extreme doom and gloom stage, and im also a freaking idiot by the way, and even the things I think are good and that I have gotten used too, well they change too, too much change isn’t good for me ive come to see
august 30, 2000
its not much to say, but im doin much better than i had been yesterday, i dont feel the same as i do but the situations havent changed much atall, only thing is im already tired of all this stuff goin on, and my classes are beginning to get annoying cause the AC isnt working in any of the buildings, that doenst help matters, but im gonna have to live with it, maybe somehow i can get on the network here, we'll see i suppose, got practice bright and early tomorrow again but i dont have any classes on thursdays until next week, so ill have some free time to whine and complain more
August 31, 2000
Its so much better in my opinion to have practice in the early morning, it beats the heat of the day where I would be soaking wet at the end and absolutely physically drained due to the sun and my exertion, the only downside is I have to get up at 5 to go and get ready, then hurry and get to my 8 am class afterwards, but luckily I didn’t have to bother with that going to class today
Ive got some things solved here lately, or if not actually solved, my mind is eased somewhat with the information I received or sought after
College classes tend to sound more difficult the first day than they really are, I think that was part of my problem, all the information and things that were planned for the classes, just too overwhelming Ppl look the same or similar to those I know back home, some ppl are spitting images or they look so similar it blows my mind, not much, just a slight bit of diversity in this world, there’s only so many ways a person can look, and with this many ppl in the world the similarities are uncanny
September 1, 2000
Teachers teach in college, they have an uncanny way of explaining things to their students, I even understand things so much better than I thought I would, the only thing is that you have so much more work to do outside of class than you did in high school, and the classes aren’t as long as my high school classes were, its much better, I even have breaks in between classes so that also helps the mind relax some in times of extreme thought
Classes are easier when social distractions aren’t evident, I concentrate so much easier being by myself and not having the urge to converse with others, I catch all the material and I retain more, the only downside is if I miss class and I don’t have much to do after classes with others, but that’s alright, I can occupy my time with other endeavors
September 3, 2000
Im here make the best of it
All we have now are memories
Of what it used to be
The good and the bad
Change is the inevitable
It constantly surrounds us
We might not like it
What once was is gone
What is must be seized
Life treats noone the same
We must all go sometime
Holdin on to the past
A difficult task indeed
One ive undertaken
But all that ive done
To try and keep it alive
The change more than I can handle
It loosens my grip
Of all I once knew
many will forget
their own lives they live
yours ever dwindling
in importance to them
September 6, 2000
Haven’t bothered to update this thing lately, ive talked to probably all of you who ever even bother to read what I put down, course I know that you ppl are the only ones other than my family who really give a crap about me, ive been concerned more with classes, football, tv, and downloading music, the latter seeming to be the light I really need, music is what I run to, it keeps me sane I think, if it weren’t for it I think I would’ve given up already, but then again I never wanted to seem to others as a quitter, sure ive pondered it thoroughly but I keep on keepin’ on, my body is totally drained after the past 3 days counting today, I played a game on Monday, and well I didn’t get a couple days off, I had to come right back the next days and have the toughest two practices ive ever endured, to say the least, all my efforts to get in shape this summer were worthless it would seem, I would’ve had to do a doug marathon run everyday and twice on Sunday to be able to be in shape for this, under no circumstance these past few days have I been able to say that im in shape, I don’t think ill ever be, that is until this season is over, then I could do just about whatever I wanted, if my feet didn’t hurt so bad and have some blisters I would probably be able to do a marathon, but then again that might be settin the goal too high
On the mental aspect of things, well that doesn’t come to the aid of the physical drainage, it just adds to the pain and suffering, im not doing too much to change it because I really cant, classes are demanding and that’s the entire reason I came here, to learn, I damn well better learn something, ill have to shell out enough cash after I graduate
Im still sane I think, but im so really close to breaking down, my will might not be strong enough to hold that back, all I do is put on a happy face to the world, when im dying inside, as usual that is my character flaw, not like im the only one but my case is probably more severe, yeah in all honesty I would rather not partake in any social situations, I feel much more comfortable sitting back and listening, and those ppl talkin’ need not worry, I probably wont remember what they said anyhow, my memory doesn’t work as well as id like it to
I need some time to relax, but those times are way in the future, long after this stuff that’s bringing me down is over, I need a friend but as much as I need one, im not gonna go after one, typical me fashion, ive already been told this by ppl, and ive replied in due time I will do so, but im not so sure its gonna be soon enough, I have no social life here, which im seeing more and more everyday that I need, but im so backward that I wont bother, im not so sure which is worse, not trying to be accepting to a group or being rejected from a group, id much rather be liked and not end up the butt of all jokes which I think im afraid of ending up being
Well ive spilled my guts onto the net once again, possible it’s a way for me to see what ppl will do in response to it, not like they can help me here, only person that can do that is myself, but im sittin back and letting it happen, id better stop before I go crazy
September 6, 2000 (cont.)
It has come to my attention this evening that ppl do actually read my page and most are extremely concerned with my well being, heck im concerned with it and totally unsure about what my options for correcting it are or if I ever will, I just need some pick me up, somebody to turn to around here, but id rather not burden others especially when I haven’t established any trust in anyone yet, im too weary of myself and how ill be perceived when somebody who I don’t know well enough yet gets a look at my feelings, im sure others are feeling about like I do, but theirs is a different story than mine, probably some worse of than mine, but I haven’t heard any cause they are most likely just like me at this point
I am sorry if I have caused anyone to worry with me, this is basically where I get rid of all the bad things in my life, just to try and talk them out, and get them off my chest, cause I know I couldn’t do it directly to ppl, homesickness and stress just don’t make a person feel good inside
September 15, 2000
Don’t wake up in the morning believing that today will be a good day, because later on in the day you will come to wonder just what the heck you were thinking this morning, something is gonna bring the spirits down
As you could probably guess, I woke up today feeling good about things and thinking that today was going to be a good day, once I got that stuck in my mind it was time for the let down. This came in the form of a test we took in philosophy class, and let me just say I didn’t do as well as I had hoped, but of course its only the first test, you gotta get used to what the instructor wants, but my paper was very bloody, plenty of red marks on it, I missed something on practically every question, it was a short essay test with around a dozen or so questions, I actually did study mind you but I failed to provide the information necessary to receive a good score, I am one to get to a point quickly on a test, I also am very dependent on the fact that the teacher understands what im trying to say and that I show a grasp of the material, that doesn’t seem to work in this particular class, evidently I am suppose to write a book for each question and provide as much information as I possibly can and explain just about every bit of that information, I didn’t do that and im not sure that ill be able to do so in the future, I didn’t know I had to spit out onto the paper the entire lecture given on the question, I just don’t get that, I guess I ASS-U-ME the teacher knows I know the material, well I can throw that out the window now, and this might just be the first time ive ever gotten a “see me” on my paper when I got it back, now ive gotta find some time to meet with my instructor to go over the test, I think my excuse will be that I had no idea I needed to write a book for each question, so for all the ppl who do the least to get by with in high school, don’t go to college, you wont make it because they require every little detail
Enough on that subject, I feel better about that now, this weekend I will be allowed to roam the sidelines dressed out for the game, should be excited about that but I would actually rather prefer doing what I first intended on doing, working concessions and getting paid for it, in this case I would much rather do something constructive than stand there with my football pads on for no reason, its useless but I guess ill take it anyway, just to say that I have done so
Im unsure of my place or direction to that place in life now more than ever, it seems im still going with the flow of what im supposed to do, go to college and get a degree, of course that means something but I dunno whether its better to have a white-collar job or blue-collar job, in my opinion im pretty lazy when I can be, im much happier doing physical labor or something to that nature, my history professor started me thinking about that stuff when he said something like “you all came to college so you would only have to use your minds, and not work outside in the heat all day”, I sort of agree to that, but id like to work some too, cause my mind just doesn’t compute at the level of some of these ppl at this college, I suppose ive gone from being an above average student in high school to being below average college student, taking nothing away from my intelligence, I believe that im smart, just not at the caliber of a lot of these college students, id probably fit best in the category of dumb jock, or at least be classified there by the outside world, I would think that im worried of my abilities at this point, doubting whether im cut out for this stuff im doing, still searchin for my niche in life, but im keeping faith that im on the right track, everything happens for a reason
September 24, 2000
We won our football game against the #3 ranked team in NAIA, that should boost our ranking up some, our record now being 2-1
What a weekend, the week went by much quicker than I had expected, and ill be danged if this weekend wasn’t basically over with before I realized, I soaked up as much of the time with my family as I could have, they were good enough to bring me 8, yes 8 Dr. Enufs, nick said he left maybe one or two on the rack at the Coastal, they should help me get through some times, and the first one I drank last night, it was wonderful, they brought plenty of other stuff I needed, and I sent a few things back with them
Saturday night was one of the best evenings ive had in forever, I got to go out to eat at the infamous Longhorn, it’s a texas style steakhouse with the best food ive ever eaten, we were with our friends the Schoenherr’s, and it was just great to get out again with the family
Its weird how right now looking back my eyes just fill with tears, I hadn’t been that happy or content in a long while, and saying goodbye to my dad and brothers was difficult to say the least, I was thinking to myself earlier today, what I wouldntve given to have been able to go home with them, but I knew that I need to stay here and ill have a chance in a few months to go home, but that’s a very long time away unfortunately, plenty of things will go on til I see them next, and im not quitting what im doing now
Classes at times are very brutal, im not accustomed to exactly what the instructors are wanting for answers on a test, that fact mostly with 2 of my classes, the other 2 are much easier for me, I was told this weekend that I actually had a very tough schedule of classes, and if im making it through them, I should do well enough later on
You don’t realize how much you love or miss ppl until they are gone, that fact hold so true, I wanna be back home so much, I just don’t want all the problems and ppl that I left there to be rid of to come back
In short, I had a wonderful weekend, I wish I was back home, we won our football game, and classes are tough, I refuse to give up working
September 30, 2000
Calm, how ive felt these past few days, im unclear of why, I didn’t even dread going to football practice on Tuesday or Wednesday, that is the strangest thing, ive always not wanted to go to football practice, now I don’t mind, and doing my work, well ive just decided that its easier to just do it, not complain, and be done with it
“ ‘sup dog”, how many more times do I have to endure listening to that phrase, it has somehow dominated the language around here, ive heard it at least once everyday, if not more, cant we just use a phrase that means something, this is just getting outta hand, it doesn’t even sound nice, the statement is so ambiguous too, coming in endless variations, I just would rather not be referred to as a dog, not that I have anything against the canine persuasion, im only saying I don’t like where this expression is going, and that would be on the wrong track
Alone, ive gotten used to this feeling, much easier to keep up with my schedule and get my work done when I don’t use time for social situations, when ive come close to doing so I lose all track of time and what im supposed to be doing or have done, its much easier for me to juggle my schedule without these other obligations to ppl, I was sitting in the dining hall eating supper, and sitting at my table where I can look out the windows, after I had looked back at the lack of ppl in the dining hall at a time when it is full during the week, I heard in the background “why does he sit alone”, “maybe he has no friends” , “why would someone sit alone like that”, “I dunno know”, all this as if I couldn’t hear them, I might not have friends here right now, but I know I have friends, and sitting alone I get to enjoy my meal and watch the world go by outside the window, the landscape is much better there than it is out my window in the dorm
Is it not possible for ppl to look for feet in the toilet stall, if the hadle to the door is broke especially, why are ppl compelled to just open the door and walk right in, what possesses them to do this, I mean the handle is broke, the other toilets don’t work that well, maybe, just maybe someone might be in the one that is left! I mean c’mon, maybe i should take some pots and pans and beat them while im using the bathroom just to let ppl know im there
October 7, 2000
Finally got the chance to sleep in on a Saturday, felt really good and I needed some rest after this week, with having a cold, a mid-term in zoology, a test in algebra and football practices, it was one hectic week, lucky for me the football team had an away game so I got to stay here and actually do something with my Saturday, even if it did get cold, which I like better than all the heat they have around here
Today started off cold but it didn’t frost or freeze last night like it is forecasted to do tonight, I woke up to the sounds of drums, which I initially thought were coming from someone’s stereo in one of the rooms down the hall, but it was from one of the high school bands practicing on the field outside my window, the college was hosting a band festival it seems and several bands were here to participate, I just didn’t appreciate the somewhat rude awakening they caused, but it got me up to start the day
Breakfast was the normal junk they always have in the cafeteria, but they had some left over spicy chicken on sticks, they were a welcome change, so after that wonderful brunch I should say, I decided to take a little drive to the mall, but I decided to stop by the Schoenherr’s house now that I knew where it was, ended up watching the cardinals beat the braves, a welcomed delight to see the braves lose a series early in the playoffs, and also played around with their dog Barney, who is about 9 months old and full of energy, then I made my way to the mall, its just a bit bigger than the ones in the tri-cities, and I think ill do my music shopping back home, cause one cd is about $20 which I refuse to pay for when I can download what I want at the moment on napster, stopped by the bookstore where I stayed quite awhile in the nature section, checking out all the books on deer and field guides for birds and trees and all kinds of stuff imaginable, I would’ve gotten a book but I thought about what time I have to read things so I passed on that one
The weather today was great, its one of those winter feeling days, very early for that kind of weather seeing as how the trees are still green and only beginning to show a bit of color, ppl complaining about cold out here and im just thinking to myself how they hardly even know what it is to be cold, they should go to the cabin in smyth county and on top of the mountain, then they can complain, or better still go up north to Canada or Alaska, 2 places which I wouldn’t mind visiting later on in life if possible
During my driving and sipping on one of my Dr. Enufs, I was thinking back, to those days I remember being out hunting, which if im not mistaken, today was the opening day of bow season in VA, oh what I wouldn’t give to be at the cabin today, ive enjoyed every moment ive been there, that’s the one place in this world where I can totally let myself go and relax, a place I will definitely be the first chance I get to, I hold those memories most dear, and recently ive reflected on my time back home in BSG, as much as I wanted to leave it, I miss it more now that its gone, some persons Id be better off forgetting, but that place is my home and I cant wait until im able to get back there and see those ppl I never will forget as well as the family I have there
Today was a wonderful day, a much needed rest from this past week, I don’t think I couldve asked God to bless me with a better day
October 15, 2000
Might as well update my page seeing as how its been a week again, just to kinda keep ppl up to date
Im doing quite well I would say, im quite content with the things in my life at this point, classes here can be brutal at times, especially this coming week where I will have a lovely philosophy exam and a history quiz tomorrow, a zoology lab exam on Thursday, a history report on some documents due Wednesday, and im sure something else will pop up at some point, but I just have to do it, no ways around it, procrastination wont help, however I am in some ways procrastinating at the moment by doing this update when I need to get some more studying done, but I feel I outta do this at the moment, and im gonna get through this week so I can have a 3-day weekend since we have no classes Friday because its fall break and the football team has an away game, im gonna get a few things accomplished and relax a bit during this time off, just hope its what I expect
Our football team had a homecoming victory Saturday, 41-14 against #20 ranked St. Xavier, whose jerseys looked very similar to UVA-wise, we now are 5-1 on the season and #4 on last weeks NAIA pole, so it looks as if we are in for an extended season, im wondering now what a real losing season feels like, ive always been on excellent or very good teams, im not gonna say that I don’t enjoy the team here winning, I just wanna be able to go home the end of November, that’s all, not looking too promising at this point once again
Well this wasn’t one of the more productive updates, at least from my perspective, I still feel as if it is missing something, yet I can think of no more to express, good to hear from all of you who take the time to keep in touch, Ill continue to do my best to return the favor
October 16, 2000
Sittin in my room this evening listening to the songs on my computer I came across one of the greatest songs, one that I will always associate to my 18th birthday, because it couldntve been much closer to exactly what happened that fateful evening, just the feeling it gives me, its indescribable, just the greatest thing, just thought I would share with you the part that I hold most dear to me
Stood alone on a mountain top,
starin' out at the Great Divide
I could go east, I could go west,
it was all up to me to decide
Just then I saw a young hawk flyin'
and my soul began to rise
And pretty soon
My heart was singin'
Roll, roll me away,
I'm gonna roll me away tonight
Gotta keep rollin, gotta keep ridin',
keep searchin' till I find what's right
And as the sunset faded
I spoke to the faintest first starlight
And I said next time
Next time
We'll get it right
October 20, 2000
Not quite exactly what I had expected, but so far eventful break from classes, got up around 930 or so this morning, cause I couldn’t lay in the bed much longer not being able to sleep, had some things I needed to do that I didn’t get done yesterday, mainly I needed some stuff from wal-mart that the commissary on the air force base didn’t have, which reminds me to say that I just went there a couple weeks ago and now the store is totally rearranged, not sure why that is, but I had to look for things that I had tried to remember where they were last time, but I wont bother with the details on that
After the trip into wally world I wanted to go bowling, especially since I had won 2 free games at one of the intramurals meetings, I would’ve gone bowling anyhow but the free games made me want to go so much more, and let me tell ya, the atmosphere at the bowling alley is great, and im sure much more to my liking during the day, mostly due to the fact that they serve beer on the premises, id just like to see the drunk bowlers for awhile, but I don’t think the environment would be that pleasant when they are there, they have about 45-50 lanes I think, im not sure on that one, shoes were $2 and a game was $3, they only accepted one of my free games per visit the lady at the desk told me, I bowled 2 games, 162 and 134 respectively, much better on the first game where I had a turkey and another strike in another frame, the automated scoring machines were out of date compared to the ones back home, I would say they got them about the time those machines came out, the lady at the desk asked me if I wanted to join a league, and if I had the time I might’ve done so, but I think ill hold off on that one, anyways I greatly enjoyed that part of the day, I left with a smile on my face, and a great feeling
I was then off to burger king, I hadn’t had a whopper in awhile and I was craving one, needless to say it wasn’t the greatest one ever, I have some complaints about it because the bread was a bit crusty, and other things, but oh well what else can you expect from a fast food place
Afterwards I took another drive, this time I went west into st. louis, what a mess of traffic that was, luckily I was going in the opposite direction each time I saw a backup of traffic at a halt, boy does everyone fly through the city on those interstates, I enjoyed keeping up with them though, I just hope the ole gmc keeps performing like it has been lately, hasn’t let me down out here yet, unlike my roommates car that has several times not started
I could go out and do something else but I might just stay here, ive just basically done what I felt like doing, enjoying the freedom while I still have it, I only wish the darn network was working today so I could post this, but I suppose they are working on it while everyone is gone home for the break, so I get the shaft being one of the few left here, but ill pass the time somehow
October 26, 2000
I can say that today, I have spoken more words and talked to more ppl than ive done the entire time ive been here, mainly placed in situations where I have had no choice, but I voluntarily offered my answers to questions asked of me, I think you could call it conversation, only times I mainly have had those is on the phone or internet with ppl from back home, but today was different, id forgotten what my personality was like, the way I talked even sounded odd, facts about me and where I was from surfaced mainly, along with facts and relationary subjects to the conversation, today felt like any other day, just afterwards ive felt a bit like speaking to ppl, I can see I somewhat fit in now, ppl know me a little better, I have a place here, home still draws my most attention as to where I would like to be, but right now im enjoying myself here, things have settled
my classes are goin alright, just the intermittent test now and then and a paper due, but I don’t find these things that difficult, I just study and go on with my best effort, ill do what I have to and am able, so long as I keep my grades up and keep the money im getting for college, I should do fine
blah blah blah blah blah, ive done enough of that, just thought I would say that im not totally antisocial and im doin well out here, so nobody worry about me, hopefully ill be seeing ppl here soon during the upcoming holidays, esp. in December, that’s enough bs so im gone
Halloween
Supposedly the spirits of the night are about this evening, all in search of goodies or mischief, trick or treat more commonly referred, me, I celebrated the Halloween part by having a bit of cake with an orange icing on it, good enough for me, I used to always go down into the southern section of BSG to trick-or-treat, the candy sometimes wasn’t of the finest delight but I was content in my gathering of the unhealthy stash, im unable to recall any of the costumes I had, mainly ppl had to ask what I was supposed to be, and after the fourth or fifth time I just got tired of it telling them what they wanted to hear instead of what I had planned, I never liked talking to the ppl, esp. at houses where the person giving the candy was a bit overboard on the spirit of Halloween or the elderly lady who was just tired of coming to the door, anyways the candy was what I sought, usually lasting well into November and sometimes into December, at that point it was disposed of
My fondest memory of Halloween was in 1998 when I harvested my first deer, I recall that all too well as most of you who know me would think I would, it was at 5pm that I shot it with my bow, by the time I had my dad over and we had field dressed the animal it was dark, a full moon was the only object to be seen through the leafless trees in the clear autumn sky as we drug the deer out of the woods, a picture perfect setting for a successful hunt
I should think no children will be passing through the hallways this evening, if they do they get an oatmeal cream pie or a marshmallow pie, but I doubt ill have to do that
I just felt this evening like updating my page, and share with everyone who actually stops by my page the memories I have been having today, right now im quite content, my heart is in the right place and the stress ive had recently with school work is nonexistent, one of those moments that is very difficult to get rid of even when im thinking about what I must do in the near future, I see no need for ppl to be worried over me anymore, im doin well, life is good, I hope everyone has a good Hallows Eve, and to those of you searching for a direction in your lifes, relax, itll happen, just do what your heart tells you, remember God has a plan for us all, we just have to go with his flow
November 3, 2000
Through the day today I've been thinking about myself, and current situations, I can somehow sense that I am becoming a much more intelligent person here at college, that aspect of life is the greatest purpose for college, but on the other hand it also holds true that college is a place to find yourself, where you have the freedom to explore your boundaries and enhance your social life and understanding of society, to my understanding society is lacking of the moral majority, all too often I've seen or heard of actions contrary to the established sense of right and wrong that I have formed for my personal use, I understand that these values have a tendency to vary in the minds of individuals, each person thinking their own to be of the highest standing, I have found those around me with similar senses of morality however once I grew to know these ppl more I found my own to be much more radical, even I cannot hold a candle to those extreme radicals, I myself have done what I see to be immoral, but I still hold on to the fact that I see myself as a good guy, the problem is that since those people I am closest to seem to have visible flaws in their own ability to make moral judgments that I would consider “no-brainers” I am looking on the very negative side of ever finding that special someone we all dream and seek, it just seems that I have flawed my ability to accept the faults of others believing that my own virtues are the ones all people should follow when in fact perfection cannot be attained, my case being seen by myself as the “closest to perfect” one could get
All this talk wont change my values one bit, but it is a subject of personal interest to myself and somewhat of a confession for those earlier attempts to undermine those who I saw to have done the ultimate injustice to themselves as well as to others, those traits are only a small part to that individual, they have other admirable qualities that would be seen as positive excluding the flaws, I find that I neglect interaction with people in order to mask these less commendable qualities from my hypercritical point of view, that way I will be unable to lose a sense of these people from an outsiders point of view, to get to know someone to me would be only to condemn that person in my eyes which I would rather not continue to do to others
Whoever reads this can chew on this one and try to swallow, cause I've been chewing on it to the point that it has no taste to it anymore and I'm pretty close to just spitting the contents out only to devour more of the substance that I thought was unsuitable for consumption and attempted to rid myself of
I feel somehow better to express my thoughts so openly on the internet, and it has served me well from the responses I receive from readers from time to time along the way, however minuscule that number of avid readers is, I still think this is a positive format for expression, especially from the standpoint of a person who is reluctant to engage in face-to-face contact with people, this communication form has enabled others to understand the viewpoint that would’ve been all too hidden from site unless this instrument of technology had been available, and yet I think it has been a way to shelter the social situations necessary to establish someone in this world and allow them to benefit in the company of others, two very distinct opinions but both being allowed to stand through time in my thoughts, maybe it is one of those ironies that is best left alone, but then I would rather discuss the irony via the world wide web than be cornered in a battle of wits with another person over the conflict
Influences of others can take center stage quickly, those more prone to leadership and popularity hold the ideals of the masses, they represent all that one is striving for, still once those qualities are obtained they pose a formidable opponent to the one who is less suited to endure the hardships that we often overlook in our blind attempts to succeed in a world where power is the greatest quality to achieve, why should we make these efforts for the egotismal doom, the masses rule on their own ideals, which must be shared by the ruling persons for them to be successful, so how do we compromise, on one hand we seek power over the masses, and yet we are representative of the masses, this political dualism is difficult to grasp, I want to be of the masses but I seek to rise above it
Due to time constraints I must discontinue my pointless directional attempts, have fun in my mind
November 18, 2000
I was previously in one of my anger states which I have come to realize were caused when I don’t lift or do something physical, especially since I had been lifting all week, missing Friday because I arrived at the fitness center 20 minutes before it was to close, I had no idea of that, so I couldn’t do the required workout, and today it never opened, I was left going insane with this aggression that I have when I plan on lifting and I don’t
After supper this evening, which consisted of the same old hamburger stuff, I really am tired of that, the variety I thought was great seemed to trail off and get into a rut, but that’s another story, I decided I needed to do something so I thought I would just take a walk, didn’t really plan on doing so, it was just spur of the moment, I ended up walking into old downtown Lebanon which seemed to be having some sort of Christmas celebration, all the antique stores and restaurants were packed, vendors were on the sidewalk selling hot cider and various other little things, it somehow turned my mood around, I felt like I was back in time at some points, the buildings reminded me of those old western towns, the brick streets added to the disposition I was experiencing, holiday music playing in the background, the lights decorating the eaves and overhangs of the buildings, the clamor of horses hooves and bells jingling as the wagon rolled down the brick street, I felt a sense of joy and my spirits were lifted, the night was cold but the sky was clear, a perfect winter evening minus the snow, I can only say that my mood swing was for the better, the feeling I had during the stroll was great, nobody knew who I was, I was alone among the many people inhabiting this historic town at the present time, I looking in many a window to see the restaurants filled to capacity, with the waitress moving about the dining area without a hesitance, no time outs could be taken with all the patrons, and each antique shop had at least one person inside scanning over the merchandise if not many, the spirit of the holidays has already touched this town, and I had the opportunity to share it, even if it is premature, I mean it isn’t even thanksgiving yet and Christmas is already here
I am humbled by the power that this small spontaneous excursion had on me, I somehow thought how God always has some method to aid me in my times of need, I think this was one of those times, I didn’t know what would happen, but I'm thankful it did
November 29, 2000
I figured the facing of death could prompt one to make and update, let me start with that, today after lunch I just walked across the road to the dorms only paying attention to the lane nearest me, I totally omitted the other side of the street where cars were coming, I stepped out between the oncoming vehicles where I had enough room to make it across that lane, I then looked the other way and realized that the car on the other side would hit me if I proceeded, so I was stranded between the lanes of traffic in the area where the yellow lines would be, if I recall correctly I casually took a bite of one of the cookies I had taken from the cafeteria while standing between two vehicles passing each other, I got out of the road after that and began to laugh, mainly cause I thought it was cool to stare at death or at least injury for a moment and seem to not care and also wondering what the drivers thought of me, just thought I would share this story if I haven’t confused you
Anyhows, id just like to say that I cant really call my thanksgiving a break, because I hardly took a break, I was constantly doing something, never seeming to stop and realize what took place
Now some random thoughts:
People walk slower engaged in conversation
Pessimism is probably the most optimistic look on life
Expectations should be low to allow for a safer fall when they aren’t met
Change never stops; the past never changes
When you do something wrong, you are your worst enemy
A person’s will can be manipulated
One desires love, once obtained turns to boredom
Don’t allow the youngns off by themselves
Who would allow me to have children, and boy wouldn’t they turn out strange minded
Too much is associated with social situations, id rather not keep up
Leave home and a new world comes into it
God has a method of preparation for all our downfalls to make them less detrimental
November 30, 2000
It has come to my attention that I somehow have an uncanny way of picking up where I left off, my relationship with some friends seem to be lacking in the alterations department, it is by some means that I am able to hold on to the way things were with people, be it distance or time span I am able to just converse with my long time friends like nothings changed, as if it was only the day before we talked, to a socialite unlike myself this is probably a known fact,but being the introverted one I am I find it very perplexing, I guess I find it hard to think of things as having an impact on what things were, I feel as if it doesn’t matter, if your friends youll stay that way
as for my immediate family, that experience had a little kink in it which took the form of 4 new people coming into the group, and yet I still talked to my dad and bros as I had always done, just the group experiences were altered by these new individuals, I somehow felt as if my position had been taken over by these persons, which was on the downside, but then I think that it has allowed for the 3 memebers I had left behind to be more tightly knit, because without me I was worried that the unstableness might get the best of them causing devastation, but the level-headedness of these new people has put that worry from my mind, and I see that it is an entire new ballgame there, I have begun the transition from my youthful home into this huge world on my own only to come back from time to time to reflect on those things I am able to recall of my growing up, my family has brand new faces, these will no doubt keep things as interesting as they were, and maybe they’ll fill my shoes so to speak, it brings a tear to the eye, but that is nothing but joy, for change must be embraced, and the past set aside when what the future holds can be so much better
December 6, 2000
It is inevitable, one thing leads to another, all the negative builds up, the little things seem to gain so much strength they become stronger than your will to ignore them, being the nit-picker I am, I cant help but have these minuscule circumstances eat me alive, they drive me crazy, yeah everyone says don’t worry about it or don’t let it get to you, but I'm unable to do so, this being a non-lifting day I seem to have this built up rage, and no way to channel it into productiveness, all the little things that bother me I wanna just break something when they happen, but I'm not normally like that, I have the means to control this, and still I don’t have an outlet today, I desperately need to study for my lab exam tomorrow, but I don’t know how ill be able to do this without totally destroying my notebook in a rage of frustration, stress didn’t seem to have an affect on me until today, when it showed its ugliness, I just cant handle it
I'm tired of all this stupid work that wont do me any good, I realize my situation isn’t half as bad as some but I think college is useless, yeah you get exposed to all kinds of material, most of which will be trash as soon as the class is over, you wont remember the stuff, its out the window after the final test, why bother with it, I'm just gonna get disappointed in myself come around Christmas when the grades come in the mail
I should be in better spirits seeing as how we had some more snow this morning, but this stuff covered the roads, sidewalks, dirt, sand and some various other surfaces, but neglected the grass, id just like to see a blanket of snow, stop fooling with this worthless junk snow that only sticks to what it wants to, do the real stuff, you know the complete and total coverings, turn everything white, that’s what it needs to do
I'm trying to think of what would cheer me up, and coming up with the absolute nothing, all that I thought might has been downgraded somehow, what a waste this life is, and I apologize to those who read this, you wasted your time completely, better things could’ve been done, but those things are…….just screw it, I don’t care
December 7, 2000
I can do all I can, but still not have it be enough, college just isn’t going how I had hoped, to get an A in any class that I do have would be amazing, I could probably do better if I spent more time studying, but then that’s all I really do, these people who go out drinking and partying and all and on weekdays to beat all, they can do so much better than I could with the many hours of studying I do, some people just have it, and I'm lacking it, sure I'm not a dumbass, but I'm not even close to where I need to be, it just sucks, I've done more studying than I ever have in my life, but it was worthless and didn’t help me, I forgot it all just as soon as I closed the book
I'm struggling to see where the hell I am headed now, I thought I had my direction somewhat in view, I felt I was doing okay, but I was totally wrong, maybe I need a job with my name on my shirt, I honestly would rather do physical work, my mind just isn’t cut out for this stuff, I was fooling my own self when I believed I could do this, frustration has set in, I don’t know what to do with anything anymore, my memory fails me, I don’t do well on tests, I'm not in with any social crowd, my life just seems to go with the motions, and when a point where I need to do something important I cant even do that, this stuff is just too complicated
I cant wait for finals to come so I can completely ruin my chances of ever doing something successful, which brings me back to grades, once again I am on the borderlines, A or B, B or C, I do have to admit that these aren’t terrible, but id rather not have to wonder what they are, and I'm sure if I continue at that pace at this level ill be very close to losing some money I got to come here, that would help matters so much
I'm so disappointed in every aspect of life at the moment, the things that once brought me joy, totally reduced to absolutely nothing, where’s my meaning, where’s my purpose, what should I be doing, where can I go, and so many other questions, another being am I gonna be the bachelor the rest of my life, will I ever get to do something that I enjoy in life as a job
Looking up from this typing I saw a book on deer hunting I purchased, and I was trying to think of what I had read, and drawing a complete blank, so is my college experience, youre supposed to be here to learn, I don’t learn anything I just get told things, or supposed to read something, yeah I remember it for maybe a day, then its gone totally
Nothing in life is earned without hard work, I could work harder at things, but I'm too lazy, I've lived under these ideals of no sex until marriage, no drugs, no alcohol, no tattoos, none of this none of that, I deny myself all these things, and for what, so I can be a nice guy, a good friend, a model person, someone for my brothers to look up to, I feel that I have failed at even these things
I could look to God for some help and guidance, but why should I when all the people who attempt to follow him go through hell, face it this world is full of evil, and if God is such an all-powerful being then he should rid those people who follow him of the evil, but that doesn’t happen, those who do sin in this world should be punished, but no they get all the things those followers of God wish they had, money power you name it, even the clergymen have become corrupt
All this junk I say leads nowhere, it has no point, why do I even post it on my page, I guess ill just eat and sleep, all the while enduring this life of mine
February 21, 2001
Feeling the need to visit some home pages this evening I thought long and hard on some, others I laughed, or got very emotional about, but it all comes to the point of being, just being, we all have those memories, “back in tha day” as I like to say, the good stuff focused more on than the negative, in retrospect, heck yeah we had great times, but it seems the wool was over our eyes keeping us from seeing this clearly, only now can we remind ourselves of how good we had it
Enough of the past already, the present and the future are also important, I mean I would like to be home and still have those friends I did have back then, but being 500 miles away doesn’t allow that to work out that well, I think that I have found a place here, got my roots into the soil so to speak, more people know who I am, and I'm beginning to learn more names of others, I'm still that loser guy though, the one who sits by himself at lunch, but I seem to prefer it more, gives me an opportunity to reflect on classes, remind myself of the chores I need to get done, and other things that need tending to, I feel more and more like my own person, gaining that much sought after independence and extended freedoms associated with moving away from home
As I sit and type I look back on some interesting things that have taken place the past couple of years, my birthday for example, that’s just around the corner, first time I've not been home to celebrate that one, but a delayed celebration is in the works by “the crew” at home, and I wonder how the hell could I possibly top last years, I don’t think it’ll be possible, and then I think back on new years eve, 1999 was a great one, one that will always stay in my mind, thanks in part to Doug and Aubrey, and this past one was interesting to say the least, I may have been stupid going off and telling nobody of my intentions of walking home, but I think it was necessary at the time and I regret it not at all
Life has presented me various obstacles lately, especially in our football training regiment, which I am progressing through very well or so I think, as well as those college courses, which seem to have the same thing occur, the class I feel that I enjoy the most and like very well, I don’t do so well in, what is up with that, I'm not sure at all, but I'm fairing well in this semester, again, so I think, ya never know what will kill the grade for ya
Changing gears a bit, what am I most concerned with in my life, well that would be the social life, do I have one, no, would I like one, yes, do I think I would be able to function adequately in one, don’t think so, valentines day wasn’t hard at all, I wasn’t anywhere I could witness the mushy, over exaggerated, money wasting, foolish expressing of ones love, thank goodness for that, but it dawns on me almost everyday on how much love I have to give to someone, I think of myself as that “nice guy”, the one who is hopeful of finding that person, and trying his best not to be desperate, being a bachelor isn’t all that bad, I don’t have to use my money, what I have of it, on someone else, and I don’t have that problem of a relationship to deal with, it’d be nice to have one, but unfortunately I don’t see any of those things in my dreams even coming close to happening, I'm saddened by all this, looking back at all my ill-fated attempts at relationships, thinking about other people’s and how some of them are in the same boat I am, still others who actually have someone seem to not be a fitting one that would last, at least it would seem that way from my objective perspective, still I cant judge for I personally have not much for comparison
I look forward to the prospect of getting home for spring break, the week doesn’t look much like a time of rest for me, but being home for a bit will be great, just 2 weeks afterwards I will have spring football practice, which is supposed to last at least a month, ill just go with the flow this time, see how it goes and if I've improved whatsoever
Felt inspired today by reading all the various updates, thought since I've made one finally, id do another just for the heck of it
February 18, 2001
I figured that I would update my page this evening following the loss of one of racings legends, It’s hard to believe that at any moment one of us can be removed from this world, today being only a reminder, as I got over the shock of learning that Dale Earnhardt died in the wreck on the last lap of the Daytona 500, I thought of how he fell short of finishing what was to be his last race, which happened to be the premier event of stock car racing in Nascar, just an ironic end to “The Intimidator”, my thoughts progressed this evening reflecting upon the pre-race festivities where the cameras caught Dale, Sr. with his wife in an embrace accompanied by a kiss, as I watched this footage I thought to myself about how it was fitting that he give his wife a kiss before the race began because you never know, he might not finish the race alive, I shoved that thought aside because I was sure that he would be able to hold his wife again at the end of the race, this thought came back to me and I realized how shocking it was, I had just witnessed and foresaw the last moments of a mans life and career, and I wonder what he told his son, Dale, Jr., after this thinking of mine, when moments later the cameras framed Dale, Jr., and his parents together before the eventual death of his father, this is a reminder to all of us of life’s little ironies and how we must learn to not take for granted the shortness of our lives on this earth, a bittersweet moment fell before the eyes of the world today, racing will never be the same
"Life is an opportunity, benefit from it. Life is a beauty, admire it. Life is a dream, realize it. Life is a challenge, meet it. Life is a duty, complete it. Life is a game, play it. Life is a promise, fulfill it. Life is sorrow, overcome it. Life is a song, sing it. Life is a struggle, accept it. Life is a tragedy, confront it. Life is an adventure, dare it. Life is luck, make it. Life is life, fight for it." - Mother Teresa (1910-1997)
Last Thursday evening I went to the cabin, this way I could hunt the last two days of spring gobbler season, which would be Friday and Saturday mornings, I fully expected to come home empty handed, but instead I found myself heading home Friday afternoon with a gobbler in tow, I had harvested it at 10am that morning, surprising dad as I came in the door, it was an excellent day, one ill remember
This Monday I began working at a job, yeah I do have one now, it actually was found for me, I will be at Lonesome Pine Country Club at 6am, working with the grounds crew to maintain the golf course, so I don’t wanna hear anyone complain about getting up at the butt-crack of dawn because I will be doing so every weekday of the summer all summer long, just remember I have a job with my name on my shirt and I've done more than some of you will do all day, before you’ve even gotten outta bed in the morning
i will have to say that life has been treating me well lately, Rach deserving most of the credit for that, my classes dont seem too difficult, in fact i really enjoyed today cause in my field botany class we took a cawood-like walk in the nearby park and identified trees, i enjoyed it very much because i didnt have to sit in class, and well i take pleasure in that kind of thing
i would like to end this update by saying that along with countless ppl, my thoughts and prayers go out to the families and friends of those who have been forced to endure the pain that the events of yesterday have caused them
it has just hit me, the fact that i am really blessed to have all these things in my life, i have no reason to be down about anything, i have friends here that support me and actually do care, its amazing, and i have friends back home who care just the same, and the real reason for this realization, rach, yeah, she is the reason i look at life from a better perspective, she makes me happy, i love you rach!!
Excerpt from "Birches" by Robert FrostIt's when I'm weary of considerations,
And life is too much like a pathless wood
Where your face burns and tickles with the cobwebs
Broken across it, and one eye is weeping
From a twig's having lashed across it open.
I'd like to get away from earth awhile
And then come back to it and begin over.just a little bit of literature class, struck me as something worthy of putting on my page, makes ya think, and i thought long about it
march 25, 2002
i'm tired of it all, i know not what to say, cant find something to cure it, i tried to get things done, but too much pressure was placed, for one day to be this difficult, seemed so useless what i did, no comfort in knowing its over, where i slacked ill regret, but im only human, i refuse to do more, i can only handle so much, to retain my composure, somethings gotta give, frustration and irritation set in, just want to be left alone, but its always something, never good enough to pass, more expected of me than i can give, things change, ppl change, more quickly than i can keep up with, i care too little, then care too much, priorities scattered about, nothing connected, nothing making sense, denied the things i enjoy doing, denied the freedoms i once had, denied the things i want, denied by others, denied by my own devices, seeking shelter in a roofless structure, seeking what i cannot find, seeking what i think is there, seeking the solution to heal all, seeking what cant be sought, shouldnt be this bad, shouldnt feel this way, its not so bad, take too much for granted, to simplify be divine, time to rest is needed, but never is it taken, just continues to confuse, continues to break me down, makes me worry for no reason, finding faithless paths, getting lost on the trail, heading in the wrong direction, world turned upside down, seasons flip flopped, mind broken down, so i speak to you in riddles, cause my words get in my way, cause i cant take any more of this, i want to come apart, cry out for attention, yet i always try to hide, im sure ill do the right thing if it is revealed to me, cause i never wanted to be sick of my life, but im so tired, im tired, tired tired tire t....
