"The Misadventures Of Estolcles: A Tale In His Own Words (Part 1)" By Estolcles Bellelvoiskioeoeoloe (Last name pending) ========================================================================================= Note to readers: If foul language or just stupid antics and just plain old moronicism tick you off, don't read this. Go to Crow's Bar and Convenience Store, and get some beef jerky and a pop tart, or something. This story is told in partial-out-of-character. A perfect example of this is the references to "Wheaties" and "Soylent Green" in the Playstation game "Lunar: Silver Star Story Complete". If you don't own that game, I pity you. ========================================================================================= My first day of adventuring. I can't wait! Oh yeah, let me introduce myself. My name is Estolcles, but you can call me Estol for short. I'm a Paladin of the church of Erollsi Marr, yet I call the Qeynos Sewers my home. Why the sewers? Well, rat and gator meat is easy to come by, not many people busting into my abode looking for a store, and the real estate dealer sold it to me cheap. She said something about "Shadowknight Guild" and "Drosco" and some other stuff, but I didn't pay attention. It was cheap and had enough room for me to keep my loot just sitting around. I mean, then again, it was the only place I could truly live after I smacked Sir Lucan D'assface around after he stormed into my old Freeport apartment, and stole my "The Traveling Elfburys" sheet music collection. That damn bastard. May he get explosive diahrea, or something. Anyway, as a young lad, I signed up with this large group called "Da'Shain". Nice people, even if our boss dresses like a woman sometimes. Different strokes for different folks, I suppose. Anyways, I worked my way through the ranks as a generally nice guy who was a born leader and a perfect candidate for a suicide mission. I don't know what "suicide" means, but it must be something good if I'm perfect for it. Well, one day Kandor and his leadin' lady, Mystee, call for me. I was relaxing and looking at my newest issue of "The High Elf Women of High Society" when Daphler ran in and told me the bosses wanted me for a special run. Daphler was a pretty decent soldier, but his image was shot to sh*t when he was found cavorting around with a bunch of Erudite male sex slaves with a butt plug inserted in his... well, use your imagination. Anyways, I report to the bosses, and they give me the mission. "Estol, you are to go to Befallen and retrieve 3 sets of all the door keys, and take them to Lucass Thesquirrel in Guk. He'll give you your next assignment upon completion of this one." Kandor told me. I couldn't help noticing the fact that his slip was showing. If he's gonna crossdress, he needs to at least do it right. "Estol, you'll probably need to run through Freeport at some point during this time. If you do, we have a young wizard there who needs to come back to Qeynos. Give him that message while you're there." Mystee added. She was pretty hot, even though she was my boss, and for not being a high elf chick. I felt sorry for her though, knowing how she had to run around most of the time in chainmail and leather since Kandor had destroyed all her outfits while trying them on. I mean, chainmail panties must chafe pretty bad. "His name is Ahamay. Tell him we need him for some special work." "Can do, ma'am." I told Mystee. "After finishing Lucass' assignment, you get a 7 day leave. But don't pull a Keith Moon over at the 'Ye Old Ramada Inn' over in High Elf territory again. Those bills last time after you smashed that halfling through the huge window were astronomical." Kandor told me. I had been on a drunken rampage the last time I was in the High Elf town last time, and tossed what I thought was a statue of a halfling through a huge window. The halfling was okay, despite a few bumps and a tree branch sticking through one ear and out the other. "Yes ma'am... I mean sir." I said back to Kandor. He whapped me upside the head a few times, and I headed back to the sewers to pack up. "Where ya goin' man?" my part-time roommate Chobo asked as I was packing up on food, water, arrows, and newest issues of High Elf woman porn. Chobs, as I like to call him, was a member of "Da'Shain" at one time, but left so that he could achieve his dream of master Mammoth Rodeo Clown in Halas. He lived with me most of the time, and worked the rodeo clown circuit from Halas to Highpass. He didn't have enough money to get his own place, so I let him rent an extra "room" in my makeshift house in the sewers. Not to mention, he keeps the thugs and smugglers out of my kitchen and removes alligator teeth from rats. Those teeth are what put me through Melee Caster's College, and I try to get Chobs to do the same to get through Clown College. "The bosses are sending me to... lemme see... it was to Befallen to get three sets of the three keys, and take them to Lucass in Guk, whom which is going to give me another assignment, then I get a week long vacation which I can spend anywhere." I told him. "High Elf village?" Chobs questioned. "Of course. Might even check out that new High Elf strip club they have over there now. Supposed to be pretty good." "Ok... but remember: look but don't touch unless they ask you to touch. And remember, if they say 'Go ahead, touch me. See what happens...', don't touch them." Chobs warned. I'll save that story for another day. Too much to tell, not enough paper. "Alright, alright. Need anything from Freeport? I mean I also got to run there and get Ahamay to come back." "Um... I hear Orc-hide belts are in. Get me one of those, could ya?" "Sure thing man. I guess I'll be heading out. And keep the smugglers out of here. Last time I left you with the place, I ended up missing a stack of bone chips and way too many magazines of High Elves." "Ok. See ya man!" Chobs yelled to me as I left the sewer. On my way to Befallen I go. =========================================================================================