1. Pre-algebra
2. Predicates
3. How to touch-type the “function” keys on our eMates
4. How to spell "International”
5. What the chemical make-up of oranges is
6. Just how rubbery school food can get
7. How much homework it takes to break your back
8. What the true meaning of “annoying classmates and teachers” is
9. How many people and 3,000 pound backpacks can fit on a bus before it explodes
10. Just how long it takes to collapse in gym class (5min)
11. How to listen to the Teacher repeat everything
12. Just what an expochoreographer is
13. How to spell expochoreographer
14. Just how many pointless things we can fit in our heads before they explode
15. How much we can annoy the teacher before she explodes
16. How much trivial nonsense there really is in the universe
17. Just how boring lectures can get
18. Learning to live with scumbags that don’t flush the toilet
19. How to punch people who remember childhood with nostalgia
20. What the most inhumane torture on Earth is (school food)
21. How to listen to the Teacher repeat everything
22. How to listen to the Teacher make the same point 300 times in a 300-page essay
23. How to turn in a 1,000 page report on cheese
24. How to memorize all of the gods and goddesses of ancient Egypt, Mesopotamia, Greece, and Rome
25. Just how much teachers hate it when you turn in a story about Marvin the invincible Crime-Fighting Mouse in place of
your book report
26. What 8w+45tk-123456789=65•5t is
27. How to go over the same packet 25 times
28. What the true meaning of “boredom” is
29. How to write an annoying letter home to our family telling them everything we’ve already told them anyway
30. Why boys are idiots
31. How to listen to the Teacher repeat everything
32. How homework can destroy your social life
33. How to learn what a typographical error is (a typo, though why the teacher can’t just say “typo” is beyond me)
34. What an idiot Hannibal was (I mean, he took elephants over the Alps. How stupid is that?)
35. How to watch the teacher drink 5 cups of coffee a day, unfiltered
36. How to eat the sugar that we’re supposed to look at under the microscope
37. How to tell the teacher that we didn’t eat the sugar we’re supposed to look at under the microscope
38. How to annoy our fellow students (rubber snakes in the bathroom is a good way to start)
39. How to put up with people who should be buried alive on Mars
40. How to barf in music class
41. How to listen to the Teacher repeat everything
42. How to make spitballs and paper airplanes
43. How to aim the spitballs and paper airplanes
44. How to lie
45. How to blame throwing spitballs and paper airplanes on someone else
46. How to play with static electricity
47. How to bring Beanie Babies into school without letting the teacher know
48. How to hide comic books in big thick novels so it looks like you’re reading something complicated, when you’re really
watching Captain America pulverize the Evil Roachman
49. How to win at Trivial Pursuit because you know all of the useless facts
50. How to identify with Calvin (from Calvin and Hobbes)
51. How to listen to the Teacher repeat everything
52. How to tell your parents that the “F” stands for “Fantastic”
53. How to tell your parents that maybe school is too stressful, and that you don’t need to go, maybe you could stay in the
video arcade all day
54. How to give your teacher “Bambi Eyes” when you tell her that you didn’t do your homework
55. How to fake being sick
56. How to annoy your Language Arts teacher by talkin’ like this were a real borin’ class. Ain’t ya gonna wanna doncha
hafta go to da bathroom?
57. What the Endoplasmic Reticulum is (who cares?)
58. How to compare Spiral Galaxies to barf
59. How to “accidentally” lose someone else’s stylus
60. How to annoy people by singing “Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer” (from CATS)
61. How to listen to the Teacher repeat everything
62. How to watch the teacher screw up when she tries to make the video disk play
63. How much stuff you can put on an eMate before it explodes
64. How to mispel
65. How to watch the fish in the indoor river system get pulverized by the crabs
66. How to laugh at the fish in the indoor river system
67. How to watch the fish in the indoor river system get back at the crabs
68. How to stick cafeteria food to the ceiling
69. How to chew on borrowed pencils
70. How the Earth was formed (Who cares? It’s here, I’m living on it, that’s all that matters!)
71. How to listen to the Teacher repeat everything
72. How to talk your teacher into letting you take your pet hamster to school
73. How to play the clarinet (most everyone will learn)
74. The different pointless things we are taught in school the will never help us in life
75. How to write lists of the pointless things we are taught in school that will never help us in life
76. That even spam and lard is better than cafeteria food
77. How to do all of your homework on Monday at 1:00 in the morning
78. That if you buy an eMate charger, a lot of people will suddenly become your best friends
79. That is you have candy, a lot of people will suddenly become your best friends
80. How to know that every 10 lines the teacher will repeat something
81. How to listen to the Teacher repeat everything
82. How much you have to pay to get a Mott’s Blue’s Clues sticker from a friend
83. That if you have fudge, a lot of people will suddenly become your best friends
84. How to find out what on Earth is in a cell (who cares, anyway?)
85. How annoying it is when your ruler isn’t straight and you draw bumpy lines during math class
86. How to annoy your math teacher by saying “1+1=11”
87. How much your math teacher hates it when you write down the answers to the homework when the whole class is
checking it
88. Why you should always miss recess on cold, cloudy days
89. How much fun it is to type nonsense
90. How to complete pointless boring assignments on time
91. How to listen to the Teacher repeat everything
92. How to annoy your English teacher by making up your own language and writing in it all of the time
93. How to announce that your language has no punctuation
94. How to sing the song that goes, “My eyes have seen the glory of the burning of the school, We have tortured every
teacher, We have broken every rule, We barbecued the principal, destroyed the PTA, Us kids go marching on, Glory, glory,
Hallelujah, Teacher hit me with a ruler, so I hid behind the door with me trusty flame-thrower, and there ain’t no school no
more!”
95. How to get the teacher to let you watch “Looney Tunes” is class because it’s “educational”
96. Why you should tell the teacher that “your evil twin” put the tack on her chair, not you
97. How to tell someone that your “invisible friend” kicked them in the rear, not you
98. How to smile evilly when a bully asks you for your lunch money, then say it’s on your lunch card
99. How to stomp on the bully’s foot
100. How to play in the mud at recess and really annoy your teacher when you come in with muddy shoes
101. How to listen to the Teacher repeat everything
This list courtesy Swizzle da Otter and co.
