Y 2 K F u s s a n d L i b i d o P l u s ----------------------------------------------- A MiSTing by Jim Gadfly gadfly@angelfire.com (First MiSTing) Published Feb 14,1999 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 [Opening scene, interior of Satellite of Love (SOL). Mike is apparently involved in some sort of heated disagreement with Crow and Tom. Gypsy enters.] GYPSY: Hey, guys. What's all the arguing about? MIKE: Ah, good timing! Gypsy, maybe you can help settle a little debate. GYPSY: I'll do what I can. What's the topic? CROW: Well, Mike and we were discussing the difference in long-running TV shows where main characters leave and what the show should do about it. TOM: For example, Crow and I were taking what we've labeled the "Darrin from _Bewitched_" viewpoint. It contends that once audiences are familiar with, and, through their loyalty, have expressed approval with the characters, the show should respect that viewpoint by continuing those characters, even if the actors who initially portrayed those characters have gone on to other things. MIKE: Whereas I've taken what we've called the "_MASH_" stance that -- TOM: Hey, don't forget the asterisks! MIKE: Huh? Oh. Okay, I've taken what we've called the "_M*A*S*H_" stance. It says that for a show to continue and keep from growing stale, that when actors leave maybe it's better for the show to replace them with entirely different characters. Like in _M*A*S*H_ when Colonel Potter replaced Henry Blake, or Winchester took over from Frank Burns. CROW: Ah, but in the original _M*A*S*H_ movie, remember that Hawkeye was played by Sutherland and Trapper by Gould and Hotlips by Kellerman and Father Mulcahy by Odo -- MIKE: Hey, that was a transition from movie to TV -- that's different! TOM: Oh, yeah, Mike, make excuses why your argument falls apart. MIKE: I'm not making excuses! TOM & CROW: [together] Uh huh. MIKE: Well, what about your argument and _The Waltons_? Remember when they brought back John Boy? TOM: So? What was wrong with that? MIKE: Oh, come on! That actor was about as reminiscent of Richard Thomas as that guy they brought in to play Lugosi's role in _Plan 9 from Outer Space_ was to Bela. TOM: Well, even if I were to concede your point -- which I *don't* -- that would be an exceptional example. That role *made* Richard Thomas. No matter what happens, he'll *always* be remembered as John Boy. CROW: That's his curse. MIKE: Oh, for the love of -- say, what do you think, Gypsy? GYPSY: Hummm. I don't know, you've both got good points. I guess if I had to choose I'd go with Tom and Crow's continuity angle. I like familiarity, I guess. CROW: All right! TOM: Good girl Gypsy. We robots have to stick together! MIKE: Come on, Gypsy. You're saying that if they revived the _Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea_ TV show and cast a whole new actor to play Admiral Nelson instead of Richard Basehart, that wouldn't bother you? GYPSY: *WHAT?* SOMEBODY ELSE PLAY ADMIRAL NELSON INSTEAD OF RICHARD BASEHART? THAT'S SACRILEDGE! MIKE: Well, that's kind of what I've been saying -- GYPSY: I'M NOT GOING TO STAY AROUND HERE AND LISTEN TO SUCH BLASPHEMY! I'M GOING TO MY ROOM AND WATCH SOME _VOYAGE_ TAPES AND EAT A TUB OF HAGEN-DAS! GOOD-BYE!! [Gypsy turns around and storms off the set. Pearl's attention light begins flashing on the console but no one notices it a first.] MIKE: [calling after Gypsy] No, wait I didn't mean to upset -- [Somewhere off-stage a door slams. Mike grimaces.] CROW: Oh, way to go, Mike. MIKE: I didn't mean to upset her like that! But anyway, you have to admit she helped prove my point. TOM: I most certainly do not -- oh-oh, looks like Pearl's calling. MIKE: Oh, that's just swell. [hits the light] What can we do for you, Mrs. Forrester? [Switch to Castle Forrester (CF). Pearl is standing in front of the monitor staring forward (i.e. at camera), an expression of anguish on her face. She is rubbing a temple, and one eye is twitching. In the background we see Bobo slowly pacing back and forth, wearing a sandwich board that has the words "THE END IS NEAR!" sloppily painted in red on the front side. (When he turns we can see that "Eat at Joe's" is neatly stenciled in black on the back.) He is ringing a bell and occasionally calling out in a loud and grating voice, "THE END IS NEAR!" He will continue this process throughout the upcoming conversation.] PEARL: Hey, guys. Listen, I'm in a bit of pain here -- [looks back toward Bobo] WILL YOU PLEASE CUT THAT OUT! [Bobo is oblivious to her. Pearl rolls her eyes briefly as she turns back toward the monitor.] Anyway, since I'm such a selfless person, when I feel pain, I want to share it. In this case, with you. [SOL. Mike and the bots look uneasy.] TOM: Uh -- no, really, that's okay. CROW: I -- I think we're pretty much stocked up here -- maybe if you contacted President Clinton -- MIKE: Yeah, you really don't need to put yourself out -- [CF] PEARL: No, I insist. Booboo back here just read a spam about the coming Y2K crisis and he fell off his already rickety rocker. I figured if you guys took a look at it and -- you know, helped put it in perspective -- it might restore him back to his usual anal but barely tolerable self. [SOL] CROW: Well, Gee, Mrs. F, it seems odd that Bobo would get so unhinged from an Email about the year 2000 when he lived through the actual destruction of his own world. TOM: Yeah, if he could survive Mike's apocalyptic screw-up, you'd think an Email would be nothing. MIKE: [exasperated] Oh, jeez, you blow up a couple of planets and nobody ever lets you live it down! [CF] PEARL: Yeah, well, at least Destructor there was quick and merciful -- not exactly my style, but some people admire such things. He didn't overhype the situation to Falwellian proportions. [Observer wanders into scene to stand beside Pearl as she speaks. He is holding his brain tray.] Not that this Email even goes that far -- it only talks about impending economic turmoil and stuff like that. OBSERVER: Maybe Bobo's concerned since you took all the funds from his pension plan and invested them in Internet Stock futures? BOBO: [A bit louder for a moment than before] THE END IS NEAR!! [Pearl gives Observer a dirty look; he cringes and glances away.] PEARL: Anyway, I'm hoping that a good riff might allay his worries. OBSERVER: [sighing] Ah, "Allay his worries." Oh, I love it when you talk literary. PEARL: [to Observer] STOW IT, CASPER! OBSERVER: [grimaces; mutters] Sorry. Um, could you, uh -- [he glances at and points tentatively toward monitor] PEARL: [looking back to monitor] Also, Brain Guy here has a request of his own. OBSERVER: Ah, yes, ahem, [to monitor] Mike et all, I was perusing an advertisement myself for some sort of product that promised to augment the coition proficiency and indefatigability of the species homo sapiens. [SOL. Mike and bots stare blankly at monitor.] MIKE: Huh? TOM: Wha? CROW: You wanna try that in English? [CF] PEARL: [sighing and shaking her head] He read a spam for a Viagra competitor. [SOL. All are now nodding in sudden comprehension.] MIKE: Oh, okay. TOM: Now I understand. CROW: Why didn't you say that in the first place? [CF. Pearl, irritated, gestures to Observer to continue.] OBSERVER: [flustered] Well, um, yes, at any rate, since I myself am of a species that has evolved beyond the need for a physical body, I am curious about the mentality demonstrated in such a -- "spam" -- which seems to be obsessed with it. So, as a scientist, I find myself curious to see the reactions to this item from -- to use a vernacular -- an "all-American male." [SOL] TOM: Who? CROW: Where? MIKE: [beaming] Well, I must say, if I can be of help -- [CF] OBSERVER: Unfortunately, we have no such subjects readily available, so I would like to get your impressions, Mike, along with your companions'. [SOL] MIKE: [suddenly crestfallen] Uh, well, if it's all the same to you -- [CF] OBSERVER: Good! Shall I transmit the items now, Madam? PEARL: Yeah -- but show the Y2K thing first. I'm really getting tired of that ding-dong back there with his bell. OBSERVER: Very well. Two -- er, "slices of spam" -- coming up. [Observer jerks his head around as a few whirly notes of nonsensical organ music plays.] [SOL] [Alarms blare and lights flash.] ALL: Ahhhh! WE'VE GOT SPAM SIIIIIIIIIGN!!! *...6...5...4...3...2...o... [Theater] [Mike enters theater carrying Tom, followed by Crow. Mike sits and places Tom in the seat to his left as Crow also sits to Mike's right. The Email begins slowly scrolling up the screen like the introduction to _Star Wars_ -- only this is in a monospaced terminal-type font, with a non-descript plain background, and sans music of any type. Come to think of it, it's not really like _Star Wars_ at all.] > From: warrior@zeus.sosglb.com TOM: Ah, this guy must think he's Achilles. CROW: When in actuality, he's just another heel. > To: MIKE: So, they, uh, address it to nobody, and it gets sent to us? CROW: What exactly are they trying to imply? TOM: Maybe that means the note is in blank verse. CROW: I *wish* the rest of it was blank. > Subject: Additional income for all!! (50242) MIKE: And to all, a good night. CROW: What's that "50242" for? MIKE: Maybe that's how much additional income you'll get. CROW: Is that supposed to be in dollars, or cents? TOM: More likely in Italian lira or Korean won. CROW: I'd wager it's in Sunshine Cheez-Its, myself. > Senator Robert F. Bennett, Chairman of the Special Year > 2000 Panel, ... TOM: Ohhh, that Year 2000 Panel thinks that they're *soooo* Special. > ... expects the Y2K problem to cause economic turmoil. CROW: [as Dan Aykroyd in _Ghostbusters_] Real wrath of God type stuff! Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies! Rivers and seas boiling! TOM: [as Bill Murray in _Ghostbusters_] Human sacrifice! Dogs and cats living together! Mass hysteria! > On the 11/27/98 edition of 60 MINUTES, all > the experts agreed that the Y2K problem will tie up huge > parts of our economy! CROW: [as Andy Rooney] Didja ever wonder why those supposedly superintelligent computer gurus who gave us the information age didn't take into account that it just might last into the year 2000? TOM: Goes to show ya that the Trojans were right. MIKE: How's that? TOM: Beware of geeks bearing gifs. CROW: Probably as close as some of those guys will ever get to needing a Trojan. > Folks, the Y2K problem is real and the most effective > solution to this problem is a preemptive strike! MIKE: [faking panic] Ahhh! Quick, Tom, alert the fleet; Crow, call the joint chiefs together -- I'll get the patriot missles ready in case they try to retaliate! CROW: Somehow I *knew* Saddam was behind this Y2K thing. TOM: I don't mean to be a Constitutional nit-picker, but shouldn't Senator Bennett check with President Clinton before ordering a preemptive strike? > Does your organization (large or small) ... CROW: Hey, that's getting personal! MIKE: No, read it again, that's "organIZATION." CROW: Oh. Sorry, I was trying to speed-read there. MIKE: That's okay, I don't blame you. > ... have detailed plans in place to avoid the Y2K problem? TOM: Nope, but we should have something together by the end of next year. > If your company experiences a Y2K problem, regardless > of the source, it's your fault! MIKE: Jeez, now it sounds like Dilbert's boss wrote this. > International Communications Association is proud to > sponsor Y2K: The Final Checklist, ... CROW: Oh, yeah, sure, that's what they're coming out with *this* season. Then in two or three years they'll come back with _Y2K: A New Beginning_. > ... a one-day seminar in cities across the nation. MIKE: [with southern drawl] I think I'll catch me the one down in Sow Holler, Arkansas, population 212. CROW & TOM: [together] SAAAAAAAAAAAAAL-UTE! > In our program you will see case studies of how others have > addressed this complicated situation. TOM: [as movie announcer] Yes, COME to _Y2K: The Final Checklist_. WATCH as they plan the desperate preemptive strike. SEE case studies of how others have addressed this situation. > The open discussion will help you get a better handle on your > best course of action. MIKE: I say withdraw your savings from the bank, stock up the fallout shelter, get some extra ammo, and prepare to ride 'er out. > This ICA sponsored seminar will help you make good choices > and avoid costly, time consuming mistakes! CROW: Like deciding to read this Email. > For more information call toll free 1-877-367-2999 CROW: Hey, wouldn't it have been better to have chosen the last four digits as "1999" instead of "2999"? MIKE: [as Robert Stack in _Airplane_] No -- that's just what they'd be *expecting* them to do. TOM: On the other hand, maybe they're planning ahead for the end of the *next* millennium, when... CROW: No! Don't say it! TOM: Yes... _Y3K: Judgement Day_. MIKE: [as Arnold] I'll be back. > ** If this message has reached you in error or you would simply > like to be removed from our mailing list, ... CROW: What? And miss out on more great spam like this?! TOM: Who in their right minds would want to do that? > ... please reply to this message and put REMOVE in the subject > line so that we may process your request promptly. MIKE: Yeah, promptly, as soon as we've sold our mailing list with your address on it to 2K other spammers. > Thank you!! TOM: Well, at least they're polite about taking up our valuable time as well as thousands of others'. > *********************************************************** > 94539 CROW: "94539"? What's that? TOM: Maybe that's how much our income has grown from the 50242 we invested from the subject line. CROW: Wow. Interest really does accumulate, huh? MIKE: I can't say that *my* interest accumulated any. CROW: What did this have to do with "Additional income for all", anyway? MIKE: Uh, well, maybe they're talking about the money you'll save by attending one of these seminars? CROW: But shouldn't something about Y2K have been in the subject line? TOM: Maybe they got the subject line of this note confused with the body of with another that they are sending to an entirely different set of potential schmucks. MIKE: Yeah, somewhere at this moment some poor gullible slob is anxiously reading about some pyramid scam and wondering why it's entitled, "Panic in the Year 2K." [Mike picks up Tom and they all exit the theater.] ...o...2...3...4...5...6...* [SOL interior. Mike, Tom and Crow enter.] MIKE: Man, I'm so tired of these Chicken Little spams about the Year 2000. TOM: Absolutely. I mean, you can expect a few glitches here and there -- CROW: Yeah. A few banks might suddenly wipe out their accounts -- TOM: And maybe an occasional plane crash -- CROW: But, aside from minor nuisances like that, we should be fine. MIKE: True. But let's not forget we were on a mission of mercy there. [toward monitor] Well, how was that, Mrs. Forrester? Did that help Bobo any? [CF. Bobo is still in the background, but he has removed the sandwich board and is laughing hysterically. Pearl and Observer are in the foreground, toward either end of the monitor's view. Observer is still holding his brain tray.] PEARL: Well, it wasn't exactly up to professional standards, but it wasn't entirely insipid. Anyway, it was good enough for Cheetah back here. OBSERVER: I guess you have to admit we owe them one, eh, Madam? PEARL: [smiling] I don't have to admit any such thing. BOBO: [approaching monitor, filling the gap between Pearl and Observer] But I will! [Still laughing, Bobo reaches monitor and, in his jubilation, pounds Pearl and Observer hard on their backs. Both utter shrieks of pain, unnoticed by Bobo, and Observer, in his startlement, tosses his brain forward over the monitor, apparently far into the distance. As Bobo begins to speak, Pearl turns toward him and starts a glare that slowly intensifies in hatred. Observer, meanwhile, mouths the words "My brain" and his face slowing takes on a dull-witted, uncomprehending glaze.] BOBO: [laughing, toward monitor] Fellas, that was great! I feel much better now. I can't thank you enough. Weren't they great, guys? [Bobo turns toward Observer] Weren't they gr-- [Observer is not listening. His eyes are completely glazed over. Bobo slowly stops laughing and turns toward Pearl.] Weren't they -- [Bobo notices Pearl's now evil glare burning toward him.] PEARL: [barely containing fury] So, you were worried about the year 2000? Guess what? You don't need to worry about it any more -- BECAUSE YOU'LL NEVER LIVE TO SEE IT!! [Pearl charges at Bobo. He screams and runs off-camera, followed by Pearl. We continue to hear his screams of panic and her bellows of rage for a few seconds. Then, in the background, Bobo runs across the set. BOBO: THE END IS NEAR! THE END IS NEAR! [Bobo runs off the opposite side of the screen. Pearl appears, following him.] PEARL: JUST WAIT TILL I GET MY HANDS ON YOU, YOU DAMNED DIRTY APE! [Pearl exits the stage. The cries of the chase fade. Observer continues his empty, dull-witted stare.] [SOL] CROW: Wow, I haven't seen a chase like that since _Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein_! BODILESS COMPUTERIZED VOICE: Commercial sign in 3, 2, 1 ... MIKE: Uh, we'll be right back. [Break for commercials.] [Commercials.] [Commercials.] [Commercials.] [Commercials.] [Following commercial break, we rejoin Mike, Crow and Tom back in the theater as they resume their seats.] MIKE: You know, even though we have to sit through another spam, I'm glad Observer got his brain back and it wasn't damaged. TOM: Yeah, which is remarkable considering how hard Pearl had hit Bobo with it first. [Another Email begins to scroll up the screen.] > From: aimkt@aimarketinginc.com CROW: Ah, yes, a very personal Email from the aimarketinginc.com domain. > To: aimkt@aimartketinginc.com TOM: Hey, wait a minute, that's the same as the "From" address! MIKE: I think that my bank used to do that to the envelopes they gave me to use in case I forgot to stick on a stamp. CROW: How did our mailbox get caught in the crossfire of this loopy spam, anyway? > Subject: Better than Viagra?-Ask Mark McGwire MIKE: Oh, yeah, right, like I'm going to walk up to a big jock with gorilla-sized arms, carrying a club, and say, "Gee, Mr. McGwire, which drug do *you* prefer when your sex drive needs artificial stimulation?" > ****************************************************************** > Removal Instructions can be found at the bottom of this page > ****************************************************************** CROW: Wish they'd include them at the top. It'd save a lot of people a lot of time. > > Introducing > > ***LIBIDO PLUS*** > TOM: In its big screen debut! MIKE: How do you do, Mr. Plus. That was Tom Servo, I'm Mike Nelson, and over here [gestures toward Crow] is Crow T. Robot. CROW: But you can just call me Crow. May I call you Libby? > LIBIDO PLUS already includes ANDROSTENEDIONE ... CROW: Gesundheit! > ... the most talked about and one of the most effective body > rebuilding ingredients in America today. MIKE: Body RE-building? What if you never built your body to begin with? CROW & TOM: [together as Hans & Franz] Androstenedione will [clap] RE-PUMP YOU UP! > ANDROSTENEDIONE is that key ingredient. TOM: Yes, that certain something, that missing link, that indescribable "it", that -- MIKE: Servo, please. > The same powerful ingredient that St. Louis Cardinals baseball > player MARK McGWIRE has been using as a performance enhancer > and body rebuilder. MIKE: Oh, of course, *that's* the drug that was so controversial! I didn't recognize the name. TOM: What, Androstenedione? What's so hard to remember about that? CROW: And all this time I thought it was his *baseball* performance he was trying to enhance. > Doing so has helped him to better endure the physical demands > of the extensive major league baseball season and in the process > he was able to establish a new all time major league record of 70 > home runs in a single season. TOM: Yeah, but its use would have disqualified him from several other major sports leagues, and the Olympics. CROW: Who cares? They don't have baseball in the Olympics. MIKE: Sure they do. The USA just doesn't do that well in it. CROW: In that case, it doesn't count. > > THIS HELPS MAKE LIBIDO PLUS > TOM: Uh -- it helps make LIBIDO PLUS -- *what*? > > The most powerful libido enhancing product > ever developed for both women and men TOM: Oh, they're back. Just a couple of disconnected sentence fragments there. I guess they were trying to fill us with antici........ CROW: Women too, huh? MIKE: [with deep announcer's voice] Yes, start your Little Precious on LIBIDO PLUS today and someday she may break the great Mark McGwire's homerun mark. CROW: "Mark McGwire's homerun mark"? There's something redundant about that phrase. MIKE: I prefer to think of it as -- symmetrical. TOM: ........pation. > Formulated to prolong and enhance your > sexual enjoyment TOM: So, the same drug that helps Mark McGwire blast 500-foot homers is also some sort of super-aphrodisiac? CROW: Well, Henry Kissinger did say that power was the ultimate aphrodisiac. TOM: He wasn't talking about *that* type of power. CROW: Oh. MIKE: Yeah, I can see it now; a commercial comes on the TV, there's a glamorous, high-class set, Liz Taylor strolls into view wearing an expensive and fashionable gown, holds up a small bottle, and whispers seductively, "Androstenedione." > LIBIDO PLUS is formulated to enhance: > > * Your DESIRE > * Your STAMINA > * Your PLEASURE > * Your PERFORMANCE CROW: You're annoying. TOM: You're exploitive. MIKE: You're disgusting. > * All Natural MIKE: Mixed from all natural chemicals in our all natural labs by our all natural scientists. CROW: So I pick up the ball, and I throw it to Naturally. MIKE: Huh? CROW: You know, "All Natural" -- Mark McGuire -- baseball -- it just reminded me of that Abbott and Costello routine. TOM: I must say, *that* came out of left field. CROW: No, "Why" came out of left field. TOM: What? CROW: No, What's on se-- MIKE: Cut it out, you two! > * No damaging side effects TOM: Honest, a *lot* of babies are born with two heads nowadays. > * No prescription necessary MIKE: Why involve that meddling FDA in a good thing like this? CROW: What self-respecting physician *would* prescribe it, anyway? > * Physician developed CROW: Okay, I guess maybe *he'd* prescribe it. > * Physician recommended CROW: By the same physician that developed it, no doubt. > * Patented Formulation TOM: Yeah, and people have also been given patents for spinning childbirth delivery tables and methods for combing hair to hide bald spots and special chairs with opposed backs so couples could more easily make love while sitting down. > * Easily Affordable CROW: If you've got a paycheck like Mark McGwire's. > * Free - $500 in money saving coupons > for items you use every day MIKE: Great deal! You get a body like Mark McGwire and loads of discounted frozen pizza! TOM: I think there is something inherently contradictory in that statement. > We are so confident that you will be totally satisfied with > LIBIDO PLUS that we unconditionally guarantee it. MIKE: You mean if I don't grow biceps the width of flagpoles and hit 70 home runs I get my money back? Cool! > Visit the link below to find out more about the many benefits > of LIBIDO PLUS, the $500 in free money saving coupons and our > unbelievable guarantee. TOM: I wonder why they call it "unbelievable"? CROW: Take a wild guess. > http://www.libidomax.com CROW: LibidoMAX? I thought the product was called LibidoPLUS? TOM: I'll bet Libidomax is their front company from last year. Maybe they declared backruptcy to avoid their creditors, reformed under LibidoPLUS to continue hawking this stuff, and haven't gotten around to changing their address yet. MIKE: That's a bit harsh and cynical, don't you think? Do they really deserve that? TOM: These guys advertise by spam Email, don't they? MIKE: You've got a point. > ************************************************************** > This Message is intended for the Health Conscious Individual. TOM: Well, that leaves us out. MIKE: Hey, I try to eat right and exercise! CROW: Yeah, but Tom or I could still beat you in an iron man competition. Get it? ROBOTS? IRON man? MIKE: Yes, I got it, Crow. Tres drole. > If we have reached you by mistake... TOM: Exactly how can you reach someone by mistake when you sent out mass, blind, unsolicited Emails? CROW: Maybe he's referring to individuals who might actually be *interested*. > ... please accept our apologies. MIKE: I'd rather accept a penny for each byte that you clogged up the Internet with in unwanted spam. > If you wish to be deleted from our database, ... ALL: [together] We do. > ... please reply with the subject "R emove" > ************************************************************** TOM: "R emove"? CROW: I'll bet not many "Remove" requests are processed with *that* subject line, eh? MIKE: Maybe that's the idea. TOM: I say we *remove* ourselves from this theater. CROW: I'll second that motion. MIKE: [picking up Tom and standing] And like a ball off the bat of McGwire, we're outta here. [All exit the theater.] ...o...2...3...4...5...6...* [SOL. Mike, Crow and Tom enter. There is a light flashing on the console.] CROW: Hey, Mike, it looks like there's someone calling on the viewport. MIKE: Huh, I wonder who that could be. [Mike hits the light and the hexagonal viewport opens. We see what appears to be one part of a bedroom. In the background we can see, on a dresser, the side of a TV with only enough of the tube to know it is turned on. In the foreground stands a man facing the viewport. He is dressed in a business suit, and is well into middle age. He bears a resemblance to -- ] MIKE, TOM & CROW: [together] BOB DOLE! BOB: Good evening, boys. I was just testing out a new decoder chip on my Web TV and happened to catch your little advertisement for Libido Plus -- an advertisement which implied in its very subject line that it was better than Viagra. MIKE: Well, yes, Mr. Senator, we -- BOB: Now, I just want to make a point here. There's a lot of companies that are jealous of Viagra. And why? Simple. Viagra works. It's a proven commodity. Speaking as a man who has served his country on the Senate floor for many decades, I can say that proven commodities have a lot going for them. More, certainly, than some pretty Johnny-come-lately bound up in some slick packaging. CROW: Yeah, but -- BOB: Basically, I think it's a question of trust. You want to trust a product that doesn't even need a prescription? Which uses Internet spam to garner customers? [Bob holds up a bottle of Viagra.] Or do you want to trust one of the best drugs on the market, which has proven it's got what it takes to give you what you need when you need what it's got? TOM: Well, speaking as a -- BOB: Imagine advertisements such as the one you read or worse indiscriminately flooding the Internet. Why, young children might even see these ads. And some people still believe we shouldn't police cyberspace? What does that say about their Family Values? WHERE'S THE OUTRAGE? MIKE: Actually, the arguments for -- [A female voice from room in viewport, but off camera]: BOB! BOB: [looking off to the side] Just a moment, Lizzie. TOM: Oh, is that your wife with you? BOB: Of course it is. What do you think I am, a Democrat? CROW: Not necessarily -- at least not according to Larry Flynt. [Bob glowers at Crow. Mike quickly tries to change the subject.] MIKE: Ah, Senator, since we've got you on-line, could you answer a quick question that we and millions of others have been curious about? When Mrs. Dole resigned from the Red Cross -- was it to prepare for a Presidential run of her own in 2000? BOB: Whether she runs is something she'll decide. But as far as why she resigned -- let's just say that, as of late, she's found other things to occupy her time. TOM: As of late? Since when? BOB: Since about the time I became a test subject for Viagra. LIZ: [still offscreen] Bob, hurry up, this chair's uncomfortable. It's worse than that table. BOB: Be right there, Lizzie. And boys, remember -- when you call in your order for Viagra -- [puts down the bottle of Viagra and withdraws a VISA card] -- you can charge it to your VISA. It's everywhere you want to be. TOM: Uh, yeah, thanks for the advice. CROW: Looks like that credit card's not the only thing that's been charged in that room. [Bob glowers at Crow. Mike shushes him -- Crow, that is.] MIKE: Say, are you still going to be watching our Internet transmissions on your Web TV? BOB: No, we've changed the station. TOM: What are you watching now, the SciFi channel? BOB: Hardly. CROW: Then what? BOB: Well, since you didn't elect me President, it's none of your business. But, I'll tell you this much; it's sure not the Disney channel. LIZ: BOB! BOB: Coming, Lizzie. Well, boys, goodnight, and God Bless America. CROW: That's funny, I didn't hear America sneeze. [Bob glowers at Crow one last time as the viewport closes.] MIKE: Well, *that* was certainly a surprise! CROW: Yeah, almost as much as when we got that call from Leonardo DiCaprio. TOM: That was Leonardo *DaVinci*. CROW: Whatever. [Pearl's attention light begins flashing.] MIKE: Well, let's see how Pearl's doing. [hits light] [CF. Bobo is back in the sandwich board -- but he is laying on the floor in the background, whining, and there are several large stones on the top board pinning him to the ground. Pearl and Observer are standing the foreground.] PEARL: Well, Mike and company, it appears that between your efforts and mine, we've pretty much gotten Bobo's mind off the Y2K thing. [calling back to Bobo] Isn't that right, my fine furry friend? BOBO: [uncomfortably] YES! Oh, YES, Lawgiver! OHHHH, I am OVERWHELMED by your EFFORTS! PEARL: Oh, Bobo, can you still breathe all right? BOBO: Well, it's not easy, but yes, I'm still barely able to -- [Pearl nods to Observer. Observer smiles and snaps his fingers. Another large stone appears atop the sandwich board.] BOBO: OHHHH! UUUUGH! Uhhhh -- THANK YOU -- Lawgiver --THANK -- YooOOOO. [continues to moan in pain.] [Pearl and Observer snicker.] OBSERVER: Well, Madam, I believe that experiment was a success. But being a scientist I must perform one more test to get a better understanding of the fascination with substances such as this. [Observer pops a pill into his mouth] PEARL: No! Don't! You're an alien, you don't know how that drug will affect -- OBSERVER: [his eyes growing wide.] I *must* say! This is an entirely new sensation! [Observer turns toward Pearl with an expression of lust. Pearl responds with an expression of repulsion.] OBSERVER: [trying to embrace Pearl as she holds him back] Oh Pearl, Pearl, come with me and we shall foment an event to put the supernovae to shame! PEARL: BACK OFF, ALBINO! OBSERVER: But this is for science! PEARL: SCREW SCIENCE! OBSERVER: Precisely! [Pearl knees him in the -- well, where it *really* does the most damage right now. Observer ceases motion as his eyes grow even wider and his face takes on an expression somewhere between shock and great pain.] OBSERVER: [gasping] This ... is an entirely new sensation ... as well ... Oh, Pearl ... I'm crushed ... BOBO: Yeah, me too! [Observer collapses onto floor.] PEARL: [rolling her eyes as Bobo and Observer moan] Good evil henchmen are *so* hard to find these days. [Fade out. Roll credits and play theme music as Bobo and Observer continue to moan and grown.] 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 | | | Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its associated characters | | and situations are the property of and trademarks of Best | | Brains, Inc. In no way should this MiSTing be construed to | | be an infringement on those rights. All rights reserved. | | Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment | | purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trade- | | marks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred. | | This post is a satire and not intended as a personal attack upon | | the original advertisers or other characters presented, and is | | meant only as entertainment and commentary. | | | 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 > If your company experiences a Y2K problem, regardless > of the source, it's your fault!