N i g h t o f t h e G h o u l s ------------------------------------- A MiSTing by Jim Gadfly gadfly@angelfire.com Published July 15, 1999 Notes: This MiSTing is a sequel to "Bill Gates, Anti-Christ", at http://pinky.wtower.com/mst3k/archive/bill_gates_antichrist.JG.txt or http://www.angelfire.com/va/gadfly/gatesac.txt. You do NOT have to read the earlier MiSTing to understand what goes on below. It just explains in more detail how Ed Wood happened to start working for Pearl. The source material for the synopsis of "Night of the Ghouls" is copyright 1999 by Howard Sauertieg and used by permission. The source can be viewed at page http://members.aol.com/hsauertieg/movies/ghouls.htm, which also includes some insightful commentary on the movie not included in this MiSTing. (It is one of several interesting links off of this fellow MST3K fan's excellent "Wayward Movie Page" at http://hometown.aol.com/hsauertieg/movies/index.html) The source material is copied as is, with lines prefixed with the standard attribution character (">"), except for Criswell's narration segments. The source html page had these offset in italicized block quotes. However, given the plain text limitations of this MiSTing, I had to take a different approach, so I begin these segments with "CRISWELL:" and use "->" at the start of each of Criswell's lines. Enjoy! 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 [Season 10 opening images and theme.] ...o...2...3...4...5...6...* [Satellite of Love. Bridge. A ham radio set sits atop the console. Mike is standing behind the console, holding the radio's microphone and anxiously talking into it.] MIKE: This is Mike Nelson on the Satellite of Love to anybody on Earth! This is an emergency! Pearl Forrester, a mad scientist's mother, intent on taking over the world, has procured the services of the man elected the worst director of all time, Ed Wood. [Tom and Crow slowly approach Mike from either side as he continues.] MIKE: We're still not sure how Bobo, one of her evil henchmen, was able to revive Ed from the dead, but he did. Pearl has since convinced Ed to work for her in producing "The Ultimate Ed Wood Movie" which, unknown to Ed as far as we can tell, Pearl plans to somehow turn into a weapon by which she will-- TOM: Uh, Mike, what're you doing? MIKE: Tom! Crow! I'm trying to warn the world about Pearl and Ed Wood! CROW: With a ham radio set? MIKE: Well, I tried sending warnings through the Internet, but everybody thought I was just another loony ranter. TOM: Really? That's too bad, Mike, but -- ham radio? MIKE: I don't have a choice. Pearl has shut down every other means of transmission from this ship! CROW: But I don't think your signal will even *reach* the Earth. MIKE: Oh, sure it will! I just use our satellite's directional disk to beam the signal to a nearby network satellite, activating its frequency enhancement module, amplifying the broadcast wavelength and relaying the augmented signal down through the atmosphere. [Pause.] TOM: You've been watching _Voyager_ again, haven't you, Mike? CROW: AHHH! Mike! There's purple goo oozing out of the front of the radio! MIKE: [Looking down at the radio] Oh, gross! That looks like -- Hey, wait a minute -- [Examines the ooze closely, then touches a finger to it and tastes it.] CROW: EWWWW! TOM: MIKE! What the blazes are you-- MIKE: Grape jam! Oh, great! Pearl must have told Brain Guy to jam our signal, and he took her literally again. CROW: So that means you've been ... PEARL JAMMED? [Mike rolls his eyes and he and Tom moan. Commercial light begins flashing.] MIKE: I'd better clean this up. We'll be right back. TOM: I thought you said Pearl cut all transmissions. MIKE: She did. Except for commercials. CROW: Figures. [Break for commercials.] [When we return from the commercial break, we see Mike, Crow and Tom still behind the console. The radio set is gone, and Mike is wiping up the console with a rag. He finishes and lifts the rag up to examine it; it is stained purple and has several particularly dark wet splotches on.] MIKE: [Wrinkling his nose in distaste] Yuck. Looks like this is one for the trash heap. CROW: Man, we're stuck up here helpless, the world is in mortal danger, and to top it all off we've ruined a perfectly good rag. What could be next? [The mads light starts blinking.] TOM: Looks like Lady Marmalade's calling. MIKE: Oh, wonderful. [He hits light and looks at us] You'll never get away with this Mrs. Forrester! ... Uh, Mrs. Forrester? [Castle Forrester -- presumably. The screen is full of static. Suddenly the static is replaced by a hand-printed sign which fills the screen and reads "Emergency Broadcast System" as a high-pitched hum is heard in the background. After a few moments the hum stops and the sign drops from the screen and we see a close-up of a newscaster's desk -- or a low-quality rendition of one. At the desk sits Kevin Murphy, wearing a white dress shirt with rolled-up sleeves and a loosened tie. He looks at the camera and begins speaking, his voice and mannerisms mimicking those of Orson Welles.] NEWSCASTER: Ladies and gentlemen, we regret to inform you of some disturbing events of the past 24 hours. It all began yesterday when the Hubbell telescope picked up these images from the planet Jupiter. [The picture cuts to what is obviously a photograph of Jupiter with a small hole cut at the center of its Great Red Spot. A moment later a jet of smoke shoots out of the hole and starts drifting upwards, followed a few seconds later by another. The picture cuts back to the newscaster, who gravely lifts an eyebrow.] NEWSCASTER: Since then, astronomers have detected what appear to be a series of spacecraft hurtling toward our planet from Jupiter at astounding speed. Then, this morning, the following transmission was received. [The Newscaster looks off-camera and the picture cuts to a shot of Observer sitting behind a desk, dressed in his original clothes from his home world. The set is actually the same as the newscaster's, but items are rearranged and what appears to be a portal with a picture of a star field visible through it has been hung on the wall.] OBSERVER: Greetings, puny Earthlings. I am Crushwill. We of the great planet Jupiter have long observed your pitiful snooping around your celestial neighbors. But now you have dared to violate the sacred clouds of our fine planet with your intrusive probes! The comets were bad enough, but we refuse to have our privacy violated by interplanetary voyeurs such as yourselves! Therefore, we shall wreck havoc on your world! We shall ground your precious rockets -- [Cut to stock footage of Lockheed Martin's latest rocket explosion.] -- confound your intricate infrastructure -- [Cut to stock footage of a long, unmoving traffic jam, complete with blaring horns and shouting motorists.] -- and take over the minds of your lowest animals, turning them into murderous beasts! [Cut to exterior image of Castle Forrester. Bridget Jones, dressed in a bikini, runs screaming across the screen. A moment later Bobo, wearing only a pair of official MST3K shorts and a deep-sea diver's helmet with TV rabbit ears attached to its top, runs across the screen after her, pounding his chest and making "Ooo Ooo" noises. When the image cuts back to Observer, his face fills the entire screen.] Give up, you stupid, stupid fools! [Begins laughing like Krankor from _Prince of Space_.] HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH! [Cut back to the Newscaster's set. The Newscaster again cocks an eyebrow ominously.] NEWSCASTER: We now switch live to Professor Richard Pearson III of University State College. [Picture cuts to a close-up of Patrick Brantseg dressed in a tweed suit with a bow tie and wire-rimmed spectacles balanced at the end of his nose. We hear the Newscaster's voice asking him a question from off-camera.] NEWSCASTER: Professor, you astronomers have been assuring us for decades that Jupiter was a big, lifeless gas giant. What do you and your colleagues have to say now in the face of current events? PROFESSOR: [Squirms uncomfortably for a moment, then] Uhhhh, oops? NEWSCASTER: Thank you, professor. [Picture cuts back to the Newscaster.] NEWSCASTER: I have been informed that an emergency meeting of the United Nations is taking place and an important announcement will be made in one hour's time. Until then, we return you to your regularly scheduled program. But remember ... keep watching the skies! [The picture of the newsroom fades to be replaced by the more familiar sight of Castle Forrester's Great Hall. In the background a large electronic map of the world with small lights pinpointing important cities (as seen at the beginning of _Boggy Creek 2_) stands beside a control console which features a number of lights, knobs, and levers. To the other side of the map Observer is trying to help Bobo remove his diver's helmet, which appears to be stuck. Pearl stands in the foreground in a lab coat, staring at us and smiling evilly. She is obviously very excited.] PEARL: Well, guys, what do you think? [SoL. Mike and the 'bots stare dumbfoundedly back for a moment, then begin speaking in quick succession.] MIKE: How do you expect to take over the world with this putrid hunk of cheese!? I mean, who'd believe this is for real? TOM: It looks like the worst of Ed Wood with stolen moments from *other* drek tossed in. CROW: And where did you get those extra actors, anyway, and why would they even agree to *be* in this thing? [CF] PEARL: Well, to answer the last question first, they're from a desperate little troupe that just had their cable TV show cancelled -- I got them dirt cheap! As for Tom's question, yes, Ed was delighted to find such -- inspirations -- in our film vault! And as for you, Nelson, you overestimate the intelligence of the television viewer! Remember the Orson Welles Mars invasion radio broadcast? And he wasn't even *trying* to trick anybody! You think people today are any smarter? Most people polled today said thespians shouldn't be allowed to marry! They've made Jerry Springer a TV sensation! And they've elected Bill Clinton -- *twice*! Add to all this the incredibly brain-numbing campiness of this production, the likes of which has rarely been seen since the original _Star Trek_ series was cancelled, and whatever dwindling brain cells the viewers might still have will explode like a Ford Pinto in a rear-end collision! [Pearl moves back toward the map, beside which Observer is still tugging at Bobo's helmet in one direction while Bobo pulls backwards in the other. Both are grunting with their efforts.] PEARL: [Gesturing to map] With Brain Guy's help, I was able to interrupt all the world's major TV and radio frequencies with that broadcast. And even though they're trying to assure their viewers they don't know where it came from, panic has already started to set in because people think they're trying to cover it all up! Now, even as we speak, Ed's putting the final touches on a speech in which Ed himself, playing the U.N. Chairman, announces -- [Glances off-screen] Oh, here he comes now! Looks like it's "mute" time for you! [She takes a remote control out of a pocket, points it at us, and pushes a button.] [Ed Wood (Mike Nelson with slicked back black hair and a thin mustache) enters, wearing an angora sweater, and looking down intently at a stack of papers that he is carrying. After a moment he looks up and addresses Pearl.] ED: Excuse me, Mrs. Forrester, but in this speech where I have the U.N. Chairman announce that the best brains in the world have declared that you should be made Planetary Dictator to combat this threat, you said you'd have something for me to add? PEARL: Ah, yes. [Pulls a sheet of paper out of a pocket and hands it to Ed.] This is a small list of people and organizations I want you to mention concur with the announcement. Without them, people will start seeing black helicopters and things. We can always broadcast some of their carefully edited speeches later after we've taken over all the TV and radio stations. I mean, in the movie, of course. ED: Okay. [Looks down at the paper Pearl handed him, then glances back up again and notices the view of Mike and the 'bots.] Say, what *is* the deal with this guy and those cute robots? PEARL: Nothing you need to worry about, Dear. Now hurry, go finish your script, there's not much time left. We'll be following you in just a moment to film the speech. ED: All right. [He looks back down at his papers and exits.] PEARL: [Turning to Mike] And while we're doing that, Nelson, I've got a little something to keep you and your "cute robots" busy and away from nasty things like computers and radios until we're ready for the next broadcast. It's another Ed Wood classic called _Night of the Ghouls_, and it's a sort of sequel to both _Bride of the Monster_ and _Plan 9 From Outer Space_. It even has Criswell himself narrating! [She places an index finger beside her temple] I predict great pain for all! Unfortunately, there's not enough time to send you the whole movie, but here's a wonderful short synopsis that captures its flavor quite well. Brain Guy? OBSERVER: Yes, Madam? [He lets go of Bobo's helmet, turns and faces Pearl as Bobo, yelling, falls backwards out of the picture. We hear the sound of a crash which Pearl and Observer ignore.] PEARL: Time to fire up the synapses and send up the synopsis. OBSERVER: Yes, Madam. [He looks at us] Mike, you and your pitiful little friends will just *love* this! [He begins laughing like Krankor again] HAH-HAH-HAH-- PEARL: [Impatiently bopping Observer on the back of his head] WILL YOU JUST SEND THE BLOODY THING? OBSERVER: [Cowed] Yes, Madam. [Looks at us and jerks head about as "brain noise" plays.] [SoL. Alarms blare and lights flash.] ALL: AHHHHH! WE'VE GOT SYNOPSIS SIGN! *...6...5...4...3...2...o... [Theater. Mike enters, carrying Tom, followed by Crow.] TOM: Man, Pearl's in the middle of conquering the world and we're stuck up here in this theater again, helpless to do anything about it. MIKE: Tell me about it. I've never felt so impotent in my life. CROW: [Under his breath] That's not what *I* heard. MIKE: What's that, Crow? CROW: Oh, nothing, Mike, nothing. [They take their usual seats as the synopsis begins rolling.] > > > NIGHT OF THE GHOULS MIKE: Yes, every Wednesday is Ghoul's Night here at Brady's Pub -- > a.k.a. Revenge of the Dead TOM: Anjelica Huston is *back* and she's *pissed*. > (1958) CROW: Hey, wasn't that the year the Edsel came out? MIKE: You know, I believe it was. TOM: Think there's a connection? > > Directed by Edward D. Wood, Jr. MIKE: Ummm -- huh -- does anybody have anything to add to that? TOM: Nope, not me. CROW: Yeah, that credit just about says it all. > > Starring: TOM: *If* that's the right word for appearing in an Ed Wood film. > "Duke" Moore CROW: Not to be confused with "Duke" Wayne. MIKE: I don't think there's any fear of *that*. > Kenne Duncan MIKE: Hey, look! The film was so low-budget they couldn't afford the "th" for Kenneth Duncan's name! > Paul Marco TOM: Ah, the founder and president of the Paul Marco Fan Club! CROW: Hey, if you want something done right ... > Tor Johnson MIKE: So we have a film directed by Ed Wood, narrated by Criswell and featuring Tor Johnson. When you put those guys together, you can bet we're in for some ... what was that term that Dr. F and Frank used -- CROW & TOM: DEEP HURTING. MIKE: That's it. Thanks. CROW: Our displeasure, Mike. > Valda Hansen TOM: [With Swedish accent] Oooo, look! It's Vaaalda Haaansen! MIKE & CROW: [With Swedish accents] Yaaaaaaah! > > > -------------------------------------------------------------- CROW: That's it? Isn't Vampira appearing in this one? MIKE: I guess not. CROW: Darn. Her and Tor make such a cute couple. > SYNOPSIS: MIKE: The synopsis: A diagnosis of filmmaking sins committed by this movie. TOM: I thought Pearl said this was gonna be short. > > The late Criswell, TOM: [As Criswell] Hey! I arrived at the studio on time today, thank you very much! > famous psychic, sits erect in his plush > coffin. CROW: What a stiff. MIKE: Croooow ... CROW: What? I as referring to Criswell's acting style! MIKE: Yeah, right. CROW: Man, Mike, you've got a dirty mind. > He's dressed in formal attire. TOM: Like the Michelin Man. > -> CRISWELL: -> I am Criswell. MIKE: [As Criswell] I keep telling people that, but nobody ever seems to remember me. -> For years I have told the almost unbelievable, CROW: *Almost*? Cris, you're not giving yourself enough credit! -> related the unreal, MIKE: Yeah, I've got some unreal relatives myself. -> and showed it to be more than fact... TOM: Ah, these must be *true* facts. -> Now -> I tell a tale of the threshold people, CROW: Come on people, in or out, make up your minds! -> so astounding that some -> of you may faint. MIKE: And some may simply hurl. -> This is a story of those in the twilight -> time -- OM: [Evil voice] When hellish shades of night start rising. -> once human, now monsters -- in a void between the -> living and the dead. CROW: Hey, is that the "void in Utah" that we keep hearing about? -> Monsters to be pitied... Monsters to be -> despised! TOM: Isn't it kinda hard to pity and despise somebody at the same time? CROW: Maybe were talking two different sets of monsters here, the pitiful ones and the despicable ones. MIKE: God knows we've seen enough of both in our time. -> -> Our tale takes place in your town, any town... CROW: Thanks for narrowing it down, there, Cris. > > We see the exterior of the Los Angeles County Sheriff's > Department. MIKE: So, actually, it's any town *within* Los Angeles County. > Inside, an elderly couple of country bumpkins are > exiting Captain Robbins' office. They're very shaken up. TOM: [As Elvis] They're in love -- UHH! > "It > was a nightmare of horror," moans the husband. CROW: Oh, Captain Robbins isn't *that* bad. Although it *would* be nice if he'd bathe a bit more often. > "Oh, it was > horrible!" wails the wife. MIKE: The wife must work down at the Department of Redundancy Department. > " I'll never forget it the longest > day that I live!" TOM: Are we lapsing into a Paul Anka movie theme song here? > Having heard their story, The Captain is CROW: Laughing his heinie off -- > sending them over to the General Hospital for MIKE: Auditions? > sedatives. MIKE: Oh. CROW: Just make them sit trough the rest of the movie. > -> CRISWELL: -> Your daily newspapers, radio and television dare to relate the -> latest in juvenile delinquency... But is it the major horror -> of our time?... TOM: Of course not. Everybody *knows* that all other issues pale beside the Clinton/Lewinsky affair. -> What records are kept? CROW: Well, I've kept my Van Halen and ZZ Top -- TOM: And I've got Iron Maiden, AC/DC and Kiss -- MIKE: And I have some old LP's from Elvis and the Beatles -- -> What information is -> there? IKE: I don't know. Let's call 411 and ask them. -> How many of you know the horror and the terror I will -> now reveal to you? TOM: Those that have seen the movie or read ahead, I guess. > > We see a woman wearing a sort of veil CROW: Ah, apparently this actress wanted to preserve her career after this film aired. > and dressed in a black > evening gown - The Black Ghost in what follows - standing in > an arboreal cemetery on a foggy night. MIKE: That's not fog -- some of the old broken-down camera equipment Ed was using overheated. > Nearby, a teenaged > couple is having a spat in the boy's parked automobile. CROW: Oh, gross, saliva all over the dashboard -- > The > girl slaps him, gets out of the car TOM: So far is this scene kinda familiar to you, Mike? MIKE: Very cute, Tom. > and runs into the > cemetery, where she meets The Black Ghost. MIKE: So is this a Bad Thing? > The boy, in pursuit > of his girl, stumbles upon her dead body, MIKE: Yeah, I guess this is a Bad Thing. > then meets The Black > Ghost himself. CROW: [As boy] Well, good evening, Miss! My, that's a lovely veil you're wearing. It seems that I'm suddenly available -- AHHHHHH! > -> CRISWELL: -> A maniac was credited with these murders... TOM: [As Criswell] But fortunately my alibi checked out. -> You remember the -> story your newspapers carried of the incident. MIKE: Huh? Gee, I must've missed that issue. TOM: Hey, you gotta pay more attention in the checkout lines, man! -> But let's see -> what really happened! CROW: Uhhhh -- didn't he just tell us what "really happened"? > > The old Willows place (see Bride of the Monster) TOM: NO! I've already seen _Bride of the Monster_, and I *refuse* to see it again! > has been > rebuilt, ALL: WHY??? > and the bumpkins were driving by the house that night > when they noticed a blond teenaged girl in a white evening > gown - The White Ghost in what follows. MIKE: What is this, an interdimensional chess match with living pieces? TOM: Well, *undead* pieces, anyway. > She showed them her > long fingernails and wriggled her fingers menacingly. CROW: Oh, she must be Freddie Krueger's mom. > Terrified, the bumpkins hightailed it to the Sheriff's > department to report a ghost. TOM: Man, some strange girl in white gives these guys the finger and they totally freak out! > > Capt. Robbins has called Lt. Bradford into the station. > Bradford, wearing a top-hat and tails, was MIKE: Doing undercover work in South Central L.A. -- > off-duty and on his > way to the opera this evening, TOM: [Singing] To lis-ten to the mus-ic of the niiiiight... > but Robbins says Bradford must > go out to the old Willows place immediately. "Why me?" > complains Bradford. CROW: That's the question I ask whenever I get into the theater. > The Captain puffs on a cigar and eyes > Bradford conspiratorially. "It could be ghosts." MIKE: Then again, sometimes a girl in a white gown is just a girl in a white gown. > -> CRISWELL: -> Confidentially, although the department cannot and will not -> admit it, Lt. Daniel Bradford is TOM: Totally off his nut! -> a ghost chaser... CROW: A ghost chaser? TOM: Yes. He used to be an ambulance chaser, but he was too slow. Think about it, won't you? -> The -> supernatural is a strange profession for any police officer. MIKE: Not in an Ed Wood film, it isn't. > > Bradford is instructed to take bumbling Officer Kelton along > with him. TOM: [As Bradford] Oh, man, couldn't I take frumpy Lieutenant Columbo instead? He's a better policeman and a *much* better actor. > As it happens, Kelton and Bradford share some > unusual history. CROW: American History X. > Both officers were caught up in the last > incident at the old Willows place, when the mad scientist and > his atomic monsters were destroyed. MIKE: And let's have a big round of applause for the Mad Scientist and his Atomic Monsters! [Tom & Crow make "crowd-cheering" noise.] > More recently, both were > embroiled in some UFO graverobbing shenanigans (see Plan 9 > from Outer Space). CROW: No thanks, I'll pass. TOM: Me too. MIKE: Ditto. > > On hearing his latest assignment, Kelton hysterically > threatens to resign his post. "Monsters, space people, mad > doctors - ALL: OH, MY! > they didn't teach us about these things at the > police academy, MIKE: [As Kelton] Professor Guttenberg didn't say word one, man! > yet that's all I've been assigned to since I > started on active duty!" TOM: If "active duty" is really the right term for what he does on the force. > After some browbeating by the > Captain, CROW: Kelton needs ten stitches along his brow line. MIKE: [As the Captain, gruffly] And remember, if anybody asks, your brow ran into a door! > it's arranged that Bradford will go out to the old > Willows place in his own vehicle, alone, and Kelton will go > out later in the "radio car," in case he needs to summon > assistance. TOM: A "radio car"? CROW: Sounds like a large-scale version of R.C. from _Toy Story_. > > It's a dark and stormy night. MIKE: Hey! He stole the first line from that novel I'm writing! > Bradford wanders into the old > Willows place and is immediately accosted by its new owner, > Dr. Acula. CROW: Oh, I remember Johnny Depp mentioning this character in _Ed Wood_! This guy must be Count Dracula in disguise, like in _Son of Dracula_ when he went by the alias of "Alucard." MIKE: Are you sure about that? CROW: Of course! Otherwise using the name wouldn't make any sense -- oh. > "That clapper on the door is for knocking," he's > informed. TOM: [As Bradford] Really? I thought it was for turning the porch light on and off. > Dr. Acula wears a glittery turban on his head. MIKE: A turban? That doesn't sound like Count Dracula. CROW: Well ... maybe it's his cousin from Arabia, Emir Dracula. > Bradford pretends to be an ignorant man, CROW: [Singing] And all he's gotta do is, act naturally ... > in search of > something or other. TOM: [As Leonard Nimoy] Join us tonight as we present, "In Search of Something or Other." > In this way, he learns that Dr. Acula is > in the business of helping live people communicate with their > deceased loved ones. CROW: Oh, so he's just a medium. MIKE: Well ... he *might* be a large. CROW & TOM: D'OHH! > Bradford claims to have come for a > "consultation," and Dr. Acula invites him down to the > Resurrection Chamber. MIKE: [As professor from _The Mole People_] And they descend DOWN, DOWN into the Resur-- TOM: MIKE! CROW: Come on, Mike, we've talked about this before. MIKE: You know, I'm tired of you guys keeping me from having fun with this _Mole People_ thing. CROW: Oh, yeah? How do you think *I* feel the way that you keep correcting *me* whenever I say anything that in your *arbitrary* opinion sounds off-color? Jeez, sometimes I think I'm sitting beside Jerry Falwell. MIKE: [Becoming agitated] Yeah? Well, Mr. Flynt, I have that to say about this-- TOM: BOYS! BOYS! PLEASE! Good grief, let's just call a truce for the rest of this synopsis. Crow, we'll let Mike do his "DOWN, DOWN" thing, and Mike, *try* to keep from correcting Crow quite so often. MIKE: Oh, all right. CROW: Sounds fine to me. TOM: Good. [Sighs, then resignedly] Okay, Mike, go ahead. MIKE: Thank you. [Clears throat, then as professor] They descend DOWN, DOWN into the Resurrection Chamber. CROW: You feel better now, Professor? MIKE: [Self-satisfied] Yes, I do, thank you. > > They wander through dark passages for a while, then enter a > lighted hallway. There they meet one of Dr. Acula's clients, > an old man. The old man asks when Dr. Acula can put him in > touch with his late beloved, Lucille. TOM: [As Mr. Mooney] LU-CIIIILLE? > "On the second Friday of > the fifth month," Dr. Acula announces. CROW: [As Acula] Unless that falls on my bowling night, in which case we have to wait until the following Tuesday. > "Why, that's in two > days!" exclaims the old man. Dr. Acula recommends the virtue > of patience - "Patience is the only rewarding virtue" - and > returns his attention to Bradford. MIKE: [As Acula] Now, if you don't mind, I'm in a hurry. > > A woman's distant scream is heard. TOM: Oh-oh, sounds like Tor wandered into the wrong dressing room again. > Dr. Acula tells Bradford > it's the haunting cry of the first spirit he ever resurrected, > that of a lady dead for centuries. CROW: Yep, she woke up, took one look at Acula, and has been screaming ever since. > In fact, The White Ghost > out on the grounds has just seen The Black Ghost, and shrieked > in terror. MIKE: Round one to the Black Ghost! > > He now leads Bradford into the Resurrection Chamber. At the > center of the chamber is a rectangular wooden table, about 6 > ft. x 3 ft. Dr. Acula sits at the head of the table, facing > the camera. TOM: [As Acula] Hey! No picthas! No picthas! > A closed coffin lies on a platform behind Dr. > Acula, and the rear of the Chamber is lined with drapery. > Human skulls on the table top are serving as candlesticks, CROW: Another money-saving tip from Heloise! TOM: [Evil voice] Make that HELL-oise! > and > these candles are the Chamber's primary source of > illumination. The lighting gives Dr. Acula's face a macabre, > skull-like cast. MIKE: Unlike the film itself, which has a mediocre, dull-like cast. > Three skeletons are seated along the right > side of the table, and a couple of Dr. Acula's clients are > seated across from them. TOM: [As skeleton] Hey, did Acula lay that "patience" crap on you guys, too? > Tonight's clients are an old woman, > Maude Foster, and a young man who could be her grandson. The > youth takes Mrs. Foster's hand reassuringly as the > Resurrection ceremony begins. CROW: This guy doesn't happen to look like a young Richard Gere, perchance? > > Chanting spells and prayers, Dr. Acula deftly summons the > spirit of Mr. Wingate Foster into the room. MIKE: Paging Mr. Foster... Paging Mr. Wingate Foster... > A trumpet floats > through the air and plays a few notes. TOM: Oh my God! Mr. B Natural is making a cameo! > A bedsheet with limbs > shuffles back and forth along the wall, CROW: If it's wearing glasses over its eyeholes, EVERYBODY RUN! > its arms upraised like > a man under arrest. MIKE: Maybe he recognized Bradford? TOM: Naah, if he'd recognized Bradford he'd be laughing. > A gong sounds. TOM: Sounds like Jaye P. Morgan has just had enough. MIKE: Frankly, I'm with her. > A disembodied head, capped > by some type of dish or pot, is seen licking its chops > lasciviously. CROW: Oops, looks like the headcheese needs to cook a while longer. > Suddenly the lid of the coffin opens, and a pale > corpse sits up and turns to face Mrs. Foster. MIKE: [As corpse] Man, this is the worst tanning booth I've ever been in. Hey, wait a minute, this is a -- AHHHHHH! > The corpse tells > her to marry the young man at her side, for he's reliable, > loyal, strong, etc., TOM: Sounds more like the ghost of the King of Siam. > and will be a great comfort to her. She > should let the young man handle all her affairs, CROW: [As Groucho] As well as any affairs of his own -- > so she can be > unburdened and happy in her old age. MIKE: However short a period of time that may be. > The corpse grows weary, TOM: He's dead tired -- > says goodbye and lies down in the coffin. Lt. Bradford is > mortified by this hokey performance, CROW: Him not being a hokey fan. MIKE & TOM: D'OHH! > and now awaits an > opportunity to search the house. MIKE: Even though he doesn't have a search warrant. CROW: But he can search due to just cause. TOM: "Just cause"? CROW: Yeah, just 'cause he wants to. > > Outside, Kelton arrives in the radio car. He is fearfully > making his way across the old Willows property, on foot, TOM: Without a warrant -- MIKE: How dare they show such blatant disregard for the 4th Amendment in a non-inner-city neighborhood! > when > he spies The Black Ghost emerging from the mist. He fires some > shots at it, CROW: [As Kelton, with cracking voice] Halt or I'll -- ah, the hell with it -- BANG! > then scrambles back to the car to radio for help. > Kelton tells the officer on duty that he saw a ghost and tried > to kill it, MIKE: I guess they didn't teach Logic 101 at Police Academy, either. > and the duty officer accuses Kelton of being > drunk, TOM: [As Kelton, with drunken voice] Drunk? I've never been more lober in my sife! > but he does inform Capt. Robbins of the call. The > Captain and another officer, Sgt. Crandall, exchange some > quips and lamentations CROW: Washed down with some cool glasses of Coors -- > regarding Kelton's legendary > incompetence. Eventually the two succumb to boredom and > resolve to go to Kelton's aid. MIKE: What the hell. The Dodgers are rained out anyway, and they can stop at the corner donut shop on the way. > > Interrupting the Resurrection ceremony, the White Ghost > appears to Dr. Acula and calls him out for a brief encounter. TOM: That's funny, Acula sounds more like the boxers type. CROW: You'd know. TOM: And just what do you mean by that? CROW: Let's just say that if they made angora underwear, you and Ed would have a common ... interest. TOM: Hey, I resent that implication! Besides, they probably don't even *make* such things. [Pause] Do they? > They confer behind closed doors MIKE: [Singing] Where she lets her hair hang down ... > in Dr. Acula's dressing room. CROW: [As Acula] Drats! I was hoping to get her into my UN-dressing room! > As it happens, The White Ghost is Dr. Acula's teen-age > girlfriend, TOM: Ah, Ed Wood's "I was a Teen-age Girlfriend." > her name is Sheila, MIKE: You'd know her if you see her -- > and she's quite alive. CROW: [As Acula] Yes, quite. Heh-heh-heh. > Sheila > says she just saw cops outside - and a ghost! Scoffing, Dr. > Acula calls his girlfriend a fool: TOM: The old smoothie. > "I'm the only one who > creates ghosts around here, me and only me." CROW: [As Acula] I'm the god! I'M THE GOD!! > Sheila's job is > to scare people away from the place, he says, MIKE: Uhhh, wouldn't that be a better job for Tor? > and she should > get back to work. TOM: [As Acula] After all, what else am I going to do with a sexy young fox of a girlfriend -- OH. > As for cops, they're no cause for alarm. CROW: Not *these* cops, anyway. > Having exposed his considerable hubris, TOM & CROW: EWWWWWWW! MIKE: Hey, come on, you guys know what "hubris" means. TOM: I know, Mike, but it's the way he puts it -- he makes it sound so *dirty*. CROW: Yeah. And a dirty hubris is a terrible thing to expose. MIKE: CR-- [Catches himself] ummmm -- ugh. CROW: [Smugly, under his breath] Heh-heh-heeeh. > Dr. Acula returns to > the Resurrection Chamber to conclude the ritual. MIKE: We now rejoin our seance already in progress. CROW: Hey, Mike, that gives me an idea! Come on! [He gets up and exits the theater.] MIKE: Hey! Crow! Where're you -- TOM: We'd better follow him, Mike. MIKE: Oh, good grief, okay. We're due a break anyway. [He picks up Tom and they exit the theater.] ...o...2...3...4...5...6...* [SoL. Crow, Tom, and Gypsy sit around a table, similar to the one Acula uses in the story. Crow has a turban wrapped around his head. The room is lit only by a candle anchored to Crow's old, somewhat battered "skull" head from _The Screaming Skull_, which sits at the center of the table. A closed coffin sits on an elevated platform in the immediate background. Mike enters.] MIKE: Okay, Crow, what's this great idea that -- WHAT THE HECK!? CROW: Hey, Mike! I was just thinking; since there's no other way for us to warn the earth, and Pearl won't let us talk to Ed directly, I was thinking we could contact Ed through a seance, let him know what Pearl is *really* planning, and maybe see if he could stop her! MIKE: But, Crow, seances don't really work! Even if they did, Ed's back in the flesh now, I don't think he could even respond -- CROW: Oh, like now suddenly *you're* the big expert on supernatural communication, are you, Mr. Glazed Ham Radio? MIKE: Well, no, I just don't think-- TOM: Come on, Mike, what've we got to loose? GYPSY: It's like what my great aunt used to say -- MIKE: I know, "nothing ventured nothing gained", right? GYPSY: No, "A penny saved is a penny earned." MIKE: Oooooo-kay. Well, we might as well give it a shot. [He sits and glances at the coffin a few feet away] Hey, Tom, isn't that the coffin you ordered while we were watching _The Screaming Skull_? I thought you were going to return it. TOM: I was, Mike, but since I couldn't stop them from sending it up here, I figured I'd at least save you some dough on the return shipping and decided to keep it. Besides, I needed *someplace* to store my underwear collection. CROW: Servo, you, uh, *did* empty it out before we moved it down here? TOM: Well, of course! You think I want someone popping in from the hereafter and finding himself buried in briefs and boxers? CROW: Well, anyway, let's get started. TOM: Okay. MIKE: Sounds good to me. GYPSY: The sooner the better. [All sit around silently, staring awkwardly at each other for a few moments.] TOM: Well, Crow, *do* something! CROW: Me? Why me? MIKE: Hey, this was *your* idea. GYPSY: Yeah, and you're the one wearing the turban. CROW: Oh. Well, okay. Ummm -- anybody know what I'm supposed to say? TOM: In the story, Acula chanted prayers and spells and stuff. You know any good chants? CROW: Well, let me think ... ah, here's one! [Clears throat, then] HEY, BAT-TER BAT-TER BAT-ER, HEY, BAT-TER BAT-TER BAT-TER-- MIKE: Crow, are you nuts? You're never going to summon somebody from the dead by chanting "HEY, BAT--" [The coffin lid opens with a squeak of hinges. Mike and the 'bots turn to see Bela Lugosi (Paul Chaplin in makeup) in full Dracula garb sit up in the coffin.] BELA: [Yawns, then] Ugh, this is the worst coffin I've ever been in! Not only can I barely fold my arms, but -- good God, what a horrid *smell*! [Notices his surroundings, then Mike and the 'bots] Ah, good ev-en-ing, my young friends! TOM: Great Heavens, Crow, you did it! CROW: Wow! The real Bela Lugosi! MIKE: Incredible! Uh, Mr. Lugosi, it's an honor to meet you, sir! GYPSY: I hope you're not mad at us for disturbing you by bringing you here. BELA: Oh, think nothing of it. This happens a couple of times a month. You know, we deceased horror actors have a saying: You have to start worrying when your fans *stop* summoning you from the dead! Ha-Ha-Ha! MIKE: Well, to be honest, sir, we were hoping to get in contact with Ed Wood. BELA: Eddie? Hah! That schmuck! I'd like to find him myself! Just the other day he was my partner in a game of bridge against Karloff and Price. We were just about to finally win one against those egotists when, poof, he disappears! I suspected that he'd been summoned to some seance like this, but when he never reappeared we had to forfeit the blasted game! GYPSY: Actually, we know where he is. He's been resurrected somehow and is working at Castle Forrester now, making a movie, which we're trying to stop. BELA: Well, having been in a couple of Eddie's movies, I can't say that I blame you. But please don't tell him I said that. MIKE: Unfortunately, it's more sinister than that. It's a long story, but the woman he's working for is planning to use his film for devious purposes that Ed's not aware of. CROW: Yeah, there's no other way we can find to contact him, and we were just kinda hoping we could reach him through a seance. BELA: My metallic friend, if Eddie has truly been resurrected, then you cannot contact him through this medium -- so to speak. TOM: See, Crow, I told you this was a waste of time! CROW: WHAT?! You did not! BELA: [Holds up a hand] However, if Eddie has left the afterworld without proper authorization, there's some people I can talk to who might be able to help. But don't get your hopes up. A lot of the bureaucrats here used to be health insurance claim processors when they were alive. MIKE: Well, thanks, Mr. Lugosi, we'd appreciate any help. And it's been an honor to meet you. GYPSY: I agree! TOM: Me too! We've even watched a few of your films up here in our theater and it's -- well, it's made for some memorable experiences. CROW: Yeah. Oh, and one question -- in _The Phantom Creeps_, how did they get that cheap fake spider to slide across the floor? Did they -- PULL THE STRING? Ha-ha, get it? Pull the ... [Crow glances around at the reproachful looks everyone in the room is giving him, especially Bela.] CROW: What? What? It was just a joke! BELA: [Irritated] Well, if that is all, I must be returning to the afterworld. As far as future communication between us ... [He looks at Crow, smiles mischievously, and continues with a portentous inflection in his voice] Don't call me. I'll ... call ... you. [Bela chuckles ominously as he lays back in the coffin, closing the lid over himself as the hinges squeak loudly yet again.] CROW: [Nervously] Well, that was, uh, an interesting conversation. GYPSY: Don't worry, Crow. I'm sure he was pulling your leg. TOM: Or pulling your string, heh-heh. CROW: [Sarcastically] Thanks, Servo. TOM: Hey, man, it was just a joke! MIKE: [Looks at us] Anyway, we'll be right back. [Mike blows out the candle, plunging the room into total darkness. We hear Crow scream in the background.] [Break for commercials.] [Theater. Mike enters, carrying Tom, followed by Crow.] MIKE: Sorry about that candle thing, Crow. I wasn't thinking. TOM: 'Nuff said there, Mike. Crow knows what *that* feels like! CROW: Oh, you're just full of it, aren't you Servo? TOM: Well, *you're* not -- not any more! CROW: WHY, YOU-- MIKE: Okay, guys, calm down. We've got a ways to go here. [They retake their seats as the synopsis resumes rolling.] > > While Dr. Acula was occupied with Sheila, Bradford slipped out > a side door of the Chamber to search the house for clues. TOM: But all he could find were a couple of Monopolies, a Scrabble and, of course, a Ouija. > Somewhere in the heart of the old Willows place, we see > Bradford contemplating a flight of stairs, CROW: Then a flock of geese -- > recollecting his > prior experience in this very house, when he was investigating > the old scientist and his monsters. He remembers the cold, > clammy feel of the railing on the stairway. He recalls the > skylight, and some doors in the upstairs hallway. Opening one > of these doors, Lt. Bradford spies an organ, CROW & TOM: OH, GROSS! MIKE: [Sighing tiredly] He means a musical organ, people. CROW: Well, I guess some guys are more talented than others. MIKE: CROW! CROW: AHA! I knew I'd eventually get to you, Mike! [Mike grumbles unintelligibly under his breath.] > some lighting > equipment, and some props. "What a theater group could do with > these!" he wonders. MIKE: [As Bradford] Hey, over there's a big rubber octopus -- but there's no motor to make its legs move. > Inside the old scientist's control room, > he finds a dressmaker's dummy TOM: [As dummy, falsetto] Please, I prefer the term "Mannequin American." > of extremely life-like > appearance. He goes up to the dummy and gently brushes its > cheek. So real, it seems. Hmm... CROW: Uh, guys, I think we're starting to drift into a weird area here. > "maybe it's some sort of > fancy embalming job." MIKE: Or maybe she's just totally baked. > As Bradford is leaving the room, he > turns to look at the dummy once more. TOM: [As Bradford, with Columbo voice] Oh, Miss, just one more thing -- > It grins widely and > beckons him to come hither! CROW: Oh, come on, this is simply too unbelievable! MIKE: That the mannequin would come to life? CROW: No, that she'd want Bradford to touch her again. TOM: Well, the author *did* say she was a "dummy." > Wide-eyed, horrified, Bradford > shakes his head in disbelief, MIKE: And takes comfort in the familiar rattling -- > as if to deny this unholy > miracle, then darts into the hallway and slams the door behind > him. TOM: [As dummy, with muffled falsetto voice] Well! I guess I misread some signals! > "That Acula guy's a genius!" he declares. CROW: Of course, compared to Bradford, you could say that about a *lot* of people. > -> CRISWELL: -> A genius -- Yes... more than you'll ever know. MIKE: Cris, will you get out of here, we're trying to read a story! > > Dr. Acula accosts Bradford in the hallway, accompanied by a > mute, badly burned, totally bald, 300-pound monster, Lobo -- > the old scientist's assistant, TOM: And current front-runner in the Minnesota gubernatorial race -- > presumed to have been destroyed > along with the house years ago. Lobo came with the property > when Dr. Acula purchased it, CROW: Along with the washer and dryer -- > and he loyally serves his new > master. Dr. Acula rifles Bradford's pockets and discovers his > police identification. He's not especially surprised, > considering Bradford's penchant for snooping. MIKE: He figured it was either that or Bradford worked for the IRS. > Lobo is > instructed to carry Bradford downstairs and lock him in a > little room, and Lobo does so. TOM: With Bradford's luck he probably gets locked in with Carrie. > > Kelton enters the house now, having tapped some latent > resource of courage. CROW: *Really* latent. > He wanders into the Resurrection Chamber, > where Dr. Acula is seated with his clients, wrapping up > tonight's ceremony. Kelton says he doesn't know who they are, > or what they're doing, but they're all under arrest. MIKE: A tactic later perfected by the NYPD. > On cue, > Lobo enters the room from a side door and takes a few of > Kelton's bullets in the chest, TOM: [Softly] Big boys don't cry... big boys don't cry... > then knocks him to the floor, > unconscious. Lobo carries him off to an "embalming room," > places him inside a coffin, and closes the lid. CROW: What, they're gonna make *Kelton* into a dummy now? TOM: I think they're a bit late for that. > Then he exits > to patrol the hallways. MIKE: Tor Johnson *is* Broderick Crawford in _Hallway Patrol_. > > Lt. Bradford has broken free and now wanders around looking > for more clues, or something. TOM: Ah yes, Lt. Bradford, the man with the plan. > He follows a trail of Lobo's > blood (flowing from the gunshot wounds) CROW: [As Bradford, with Clouseau voice] AHA! A cleeew! > into the embalming > room and opens up the coffin. He is shocked to discover Kelton > inside! MIKE: Quick! Close it back and nail it shut! > But Kelton is brought back to consciousness, TOM: Or as close to consciousness as Kelton ever gets -- > and the > partners confer about the best way to get out of the house. CROW: They could just push against one of the walls. It'll probably fall right down. > > When the Resurrection ceremony is concluded, Dr. Acula's other > client, the old man, expresses some reservations about this > whole Resurrection business. MIKE: [As Acula] Sorry, no reservations taken. We work on a first come, first served basis. > Dr. Acula suggests, in a > roundabout way, that maybe the old man will be better off > without his services. Shamed, the old man forks over a check > for $10,000, hoping thereby to reassure Dr. Acula of his good > faith. TOM: Hey, it works for televangelists! > The client departs, and Dr. Acula soliloquizes thus: > "Ten Thousand Dollars - Barnum sure was right!" CROW: [As Acula] Merging with the Bailey and the Ringling Brothers *was* a good idea! > In his > dressing room with Sheila, Dr. Acula gloats over his success > and announces that it's time to leave the old Willows place > and find another old spook-house, in another jurisdiction. MIKE: Why? Just keep working around L.A. until you get caught, then hire Johnny Cochran. > With the police closing in, they've come to the end of their > line here; it's a shame that Mrs. Foster and her "gigolo" > haven't yet paid him in full for his services, but c'est la > vie. TOM: [As Acula] Sheila! That's FRENCH! > As for Lobo, they'll leave him behind; he won't know > where they've gone, anyhow. CROW: Poor Lobo probably won't figure out *that* they've gone. > > Kelton and Bradford enter the Resurrection Chamber, finding it > vacant. Then Lobo wanders into the room; he's shot several > more times and dies at last. MIKE: [Tor voice] Me ... regret ... have ... one ... life ... give ... master ... TOM: Hey, Tor's supposed to be *mute* in this one, remember? MIKE: Oh ... I sorry ... me forget. > Capt. Robbins and Sgt. Crandall > walk in, having just arrived in response to Kelton's call for > help. TOM: [As Robbins] Hey, guys! We brought some quips and lamentations with us, you want some? > The "corpse" who impersonated Wingate Foster enters the > Chamber with a gun and starts firing at the police, but none > of them are hurt, CROW: [As "corpse"] Rats! I'm using our prop gun with the blanks! > and they promptly shoot and kill the > "corpse." MIKE: Now he plays the role he forged in life. > The police hustle away to find Dr. Acula. TOM: Ah, an early inspiration for _Cop Rock_. > > Dr. Acula and Sheila, making their getaway, now come racing > into the Resurrection Chamber - CROW: Acula winning by a nose! > and there stands Criswell, MIKE: Cris! Clear the shot! We're in the middle of the climax here! > flanked by several men in sportcoats and slacks. They are the > dead, Criswell explains. TOM: [As Acula] Oh, wow! Which one of you guys is Jerry Garcia? > Dr. Acula is flabbergasted: "I hired > actors to play the dead... you're not actors!" CROW: I think Ed Wood's expressing his own frustration through Acula's dialog here. > Criswell > informs Dr. Acula that his powers were greater than he himself > knew, for his phony rituals have really raised these men from > the grave; MIKE: Or at least sent them spinning out of it. > now they must return to the grave, and Dr. Acula > must accompany them. The dead surround Dr. Acula, causing him > to faint. TOM: Aren't you glad you use Dial? Don't you wish everybody did? > They carry Dr. Acula's body to the open casket and > place him inside it. As Criswell slowly closes the cofffin > lid, Dr. Acula regains consciousness and screams. CROW: [As Acula] NO! DON'T! I'LL END UP A SCHLOCK NARRATOR FOR CHEESY FILMS, LIKE YOU! > > The police enter the Resurrection Chamber once again. MIKE: Jeez, let's just rename the Resurrection Chamber "Grand Central." > They see > a half-dozen skeletons lying on the floor, which weren't there > a few minutes ago, when they left the room; TOM: Watch your step, the floor's starting to get kinda crowded. MIKE: At least this movie has *something* in common with a Shakespearean tragedy. > they discover Dr. > Acula's lifeless body inside the coffin. One of the policemen > confesses that he's stymied by these events. CROW: [As policeman, dull monotone] Gee I'm stymied by these events. > Lt. Bradford, > most learned of all, [Mike, Tom and Crow all giggle.] > commiserates with his befuddled > colleague: "There are a lot of things about this case I don't > understand." MIKE: Yeah, him and the audience. > > Addressing the puzzle of the several skeletons, Kelton > surmises: "Maybe their bodies have gone back to where they > came from." TOM: Uh, I thought skeletons *were* bodies, or what was left of them. MIKE: But look at the bright side; now the policemen have some free candlestick holders they can take home with them! > As for Sheila, who's still at large, CROW: Having *totally* let herself go -- > Kelton > suggests that maybe she's become a real ghost, given the fates > of the other villains. MIKE: Possibly doomed to spend eternity wriggling her fingers at passing bumpkins. > > Surprisingly, bumbling Officer Kelton very nearly hits the > nail on its head. TOM: But he misses and smashes his thumb instead. > Sheila, in her flight, had met The Black > Ghost once more, and followed her into the midnight shroud of > mist. CROW: Woo-hoo! All right! [Lewdly] Let's follow the ladies into the mist and see what-- > -> CRISWELL: CROW: NO! Gosh darn it, Cris-- -> And now, we return to our graves. And YOU... MIKE: This means YOU... -> may join us soon. TOM: I'm sorry, Cris, but I'm just not much of a "joiner." > > THE END CROW: YES! The most appreciated line in any Ed Wood movie! MIKE: You can say *that* again. CROW: YES! The most appreciated line in-- MIKE: Okay, Crow, Okay, it was just an expression! TOM: I say we take the express line outta here. CROW: I'm with you MIKE: Let's hustle away. [All begin whistling "The Hustle" as Mike picks up Tom and they all exit the theater.] ...o...2...3...4...5...6...* [SoL. Bridge. Mike and the 'bots wander in glumly. The mads light is already flashing.] MIKE: Well, I guess this is it. TOM: Yep, the moment when all those years of plotting and scheming and bad movies finally pay off for the Forresters. CROW: Might as well hit the light and get it over with, Mike. MIKE: Okay, what the heck. [Hits the light.] [CF. Great Hall. Observer and Bobo (his helmet finally off) stand behind the console, wearing lab coats. Pearl, also wearing her lab coat, stands in the foreground looking at us and smiling. Bobo reaches for one of the console controls and Observer quickly slaps his hand away.] BOBO: OUCH! OBSERVER: Don't touch that! PEARL: [Ignoring Observer and Bobo and speaking to us] Okay, my little guinea pigs, you're about to see your usefulness come to an end! In just a moment *I* will be named Dictator of the World! And, as one of my first acts to defend the Earth from invasion, guess what mysterious bone-shaped space vehicle -- "obviously" the vanguard of the Jovian invasion force -- I'm going to order destroyed! Okay, Brain Guy, HIT IT! OBSERVER: Yes, Madam. [Observer pushes a couple of buttons then pulls a lever. The screen is suddenly filled with static, and then the same "Emergency Broadcast System" sign appears with the hum, followed by an image of the Newscaster behind his desk.] NEWSCASTER: We interrupt our regular programming to bring you a special announcement from the United Nations. Ladies and gentlemen, the Chairman of the U.N. [Picture cuts to a close-up view of Ed, dressed in a regular business suit, standing behind a podium in front of a large hand-drawn picture of the United Nations seal. He clears his throat and begins speaking.] ED: People of the Earth, I have an important announcement. You recently saw footage that told you of an impending invasion of our planet from Jupiter. I am here to inform you that this story is totally and utterly FALSE. It is a hoax being perpetrated upon you by some misguided souls intent on taking over the world and setting up their own dictatorship. I have to confess, I wrote the script for that drama you witnessed earlier. I was just so grateful to be working again after so long that I allowed myself to be blinded to the purpose for which my work was being used. You see, I'm really Ed Wood, the movie director, and I've been dead for several years. But just a few minutes ago I was contacted by a gentleman who identified himself as Frank, a Soul Taker -- excuse me, a Spiritual Retrieval Engineer -- who explained that my resurrection without proper clearance was a mistake, told me what my script was really being used for, and said I had to return with him to the land of the departed. It seems I've caused all sorts of problems with the rules of time and space and made for a lot of extra paperwork for Frank and some of his pals up at the Department of Dimensional Transition. Anyway, I'm going to have to leave with him in just a few moments, but I couldn't go without trying to set things right down here first. But just a quick couple of things for Mrs. F, my former employer. Ma'am, I'm sorry to do this to you. By now you've guessed I switched this film canister for the one with the speech we filmed together. I know you must be disappointed, and, again, I apologize. But I should say this. If you want to gain high office, you couldn't ask to be in a better country than America. Here, *anybody* can rise to become leader of the free world. Heck, just look who's there now! So, please, consider the more conventional approach. Run for local office, then work your way up the state and congressional ladder. I know it's harder work, but you'll like yourself better for it. It just takes patience. And remember, patience is the only rewarding virtue-- [The transmission abruptly ends. We are now again seeing the Great Hall. Pearl, still in the foreground, has assumed a dazed expression, her eyes glazed over and staring somewhere in the distance at nothing in particular. Observer and Bobo are still behind the console in the background, looking anxiously at Pearl.] OBSERVER: I'm sorry, Pearl, I cut the transmission as soon as I could. But it seems that it was a bit too late to -- [Pearl does not appear to be hearing him.] BOBO: Well -- uhhh -- look on the bright side, Lawgiver -- we came a lot further this time than with a lot of our more inane schemes-- [Observer nudges him hard in the ribs] OOOF! Hey, I was just trying to make her feel better in the face of seeing everything she's been working so long and so hard for go up in smoke after coming so very close -- [Pearl moans, then closes her eyes and faints forward out of the picture. Observer and Bobo wince at the noise as she hits the floor. They tentatively peer over the console down at her as the camera slowly zooms in on them.] BOBO: [Sighs deeply, then] At least she took it well. [Observer cocks an eyebrow and stares at him for a moment as Bobo continues to stare down at Pearl, then each shakes his head.] [Fade out. Roll credits and play closing theme.] 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 | | | "Night of the Ghouls" synopsis copyright 1999 by Howard Sauertieg | | Used by Permission | | | | Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its associated characters | | and situations are the property of and trademarks of Best | | Brains, Inc. In no way should this MiSTing be construed to | | be an infringement on those rights. All rights reserved. | | Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment | | purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trade- | | marks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred. | | This work is a satire and not intended as a personal attack upon | | the original author(s) or other persons or characters presented, | | and is meant only as entertainment and commentary. | | | 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 > "It > was a nightmare of horror," moans the husband. "Oh, it was > horrible!" wails the wife.