C A S H I S K I N G ----------------------- with Short: H e a l t h F o o d f o r Y o u A MiSTing by Jim Gadfly gadfly@angelfire.com Published March 17,1999 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 [Roll opening images and play theme.] ...o...2...3...4...5...6...* [Satellite of Love -- Bridge. Mike is reading a letter. He looks pensive. Crow and Tom Enter.] TOM & CROW: Hey, Mike! MIKE: [Glancing up briefly from letter] Oh. Hi, guys. TOM: What is it, Mike? You look pensive. CROW: Pensive? TOM: Yeah. You know, deep in thought or contemplation. CROW: Oh, yeah. That's a new look for you, isn't it, Mike? MIKE: [Finally putting letter down] Yeah, cute, Crow. No, I was just reading this letter -- TOM: Well, put it up on still-store. MIKE: Uh, Tom, we can't, this is Usenet. TOM: Oh, right. Sorry. Well, then net it out, Mike. MIKE: Well, it's from the author -- CROW: Arthur who? MIKE: No, Crow, not "Arthur"; *AUTHOR* -- the guy who wrote this MiSTing. TOM: What? You mean the one we're in right now? MIKE: Yeah. CROW: Well, this is weird. Uhhh -- what does the guy want? MIKE: Well, he writes about how hard it is for him to think up good host segments, and how his strength is really in the riffing we do in the theater, so he wants to stop writing host segments altogether and just do the theater. TOM: Really? CROW: The little wimp! TOM: Ummm, Crow, remember what happened to Daffy Duck when he started talking back to the cartoonist? CROW: Oh. Right. Sorry Arthur, wherever you are. But what does he want from *us*? MIKE: Well, eliminating host segments means -- eliminating Pearl. [A sudden, loud, errie, extended note of organ music plays for a few seconds.] CROW: Hey! TOM: Huh? MIKE: What the -- [Mike and the bots look around futilely for the source of the sound as the commercial light comes on.] MIKE: We'll be right back -- I hope. [He hits the light.] [Break for commercials.] [Following commercial break, we return to the SoL bridge. Mike, Crow, and Tom are in the same positions as before.] TOM: [Happily] So what's the problem with -- eliminating Pearl? [The organ note begins playing again.] CROW: [Looking up at nothing in particular] Come on, Arthur, you don't have to make all *that* fuss about it! [The organ note abruptly ceases.] Thank you! MIKE: Well, the problem is that the author wants *us* to break the news to her. CROW & TOM: WHAT? MIKE: Yeah, he's -- well, he's afraid to do it himself. CROW: Oh, great, so we get to do his dirty work for him? TOM: And what if we *don't*? MIKE: Well, he does mention here how difficult is for him to maintain all the characters and scenes while keeping the Satellite of Love's orbit from decaying into a burning swath across the Earth's atmosphere. TOM: Oh. A veiled threat, eh? CROW: What veil? MIKE: Tell me about it. So it's up to us to let her know. CROW: So you'll be basically giving her a pink slip? TOM: Oh, God, Crow, you just caused me to have a mental image of Pearl wearing only a pink slip. CROW: Sorry. So, Mike, this rightsizing somebody else -- this will be kind of a reversal of the roles you're used to, eh? MIKE: Yes, very clever, Crow -- [Pearl's attention light starts blinking.] TOM: Oh-oh. Here they are. MIKE: [Taking deep breath] Okay, here we go. Ready, guys? TOM: I -- uh, think I forgot to lube my elbow joints. Maybe I should go -- MIKE: Hey, you don't *have* any elbow joints. TOM: I don't? Darn! Well, I better go find some. CROW: Yeah, and I'll go with him -- I think I've got an extra pair he can borrow. [Crow and Tom try to sneak away from either side of Mike. Mike reaches out and catches them, and pulls them back.] MIKE: Come back here, you two. Now come on, show some backbone. CROW: But we don't *have* backbones. MIKE: Well, here's your chance to grow some. Now suck it up. I need your help here. Imagine how much more pleasant it would be to not have to endure Pearl and her goons, only the theater. TOM: *Only* the theater? MIKE: Tom, we're talking lessers of evils here. TOM: Well, okay. But when you speak to her, kinda ease your way into it. MIKE: Okay. CROW: Yeah, you don't want to startle her, just explain the situation calmly -- take your time -- so that when you lay it on her, you don't shock her into doing something -- rash. MIKE: [Nodding attentively] Right. TOM: Yeah, remember that, unlike respected major corporations, we don't have any security thugs here to back us up. MIKE: Okay, gotcha. [Takes another deep breath.] Here we go. [He hits the light.] Hello, Mrs. Forrester. [Switch to Castle Forrester. Pearl is standing in foreground, with Bobo and Observer (holding his brain tray) to either side of her. All are looking forward at the monitor (i.e. at us). Bobo and Observer have slightly sinister smiles on their faces, but these are nothing compare to the sheer glee of malignancy reflected in Pearl's broad grin.] PEARL: Well, hello there, Mi-- [SoL] MIKE: Pearl, you're fired! TOM: Dohhh! CROW: Yeah, real smooth, Mike. [CF] [Pearl, stunned into silence, has a shocked look on her face. Bobo and Observer look confused, and begin to babble.] BOBO: My God, did you see that? OBSERVER: Why, I never! The audacity -- PEARL: SILENCE! [Pearl has now recovered from her shock, and is staring at the monitor, her face a cross between anger and contempt.] PEARL: [With barely restrained fury] What did you say to me, Nelson? [SoL] MIKE: [Speaking rapidly] Mrs. Forrester, we got a note from the author that these host segments just take up too much time and space and effort, and we should get right to the theater and start the riffing. And -- and I can't say that I disagree, after all, we all know you're going to send us some lousy movie or story or spam or something, so we'd just as soon get right to it and stop this silly cat and mouse thing. Er -- right guys? [Crow and Tom mutter something indiscernible.] MIKE: [Starting to loose composure] GUYS? TOM: Oh, ah, yeah, Mike. CROW: Sure, whatever you say. MIKE: [Regaining some composure and forcing a smile] Ah, see, Pearl? So -- like, I'm sorry and all but -- well, you know how it is -- we'll, ah, give you references -- [CF] [Pearl's face has a look of outrage. She opens her mouth -- but says nothing. Her bottom lip starts quivering. She finally speaks, but her face has mellowed from rage to surprise, her voice more plaintive than angry.] PEARL: You -- you don't want any more host segments? [SoL] MIKE: Well, uh, right. I mean, this guy doesn't. And I -- er WE -- well, uh -- [CF] PEARL: You don't care how much effort is put into these segments? How much makeup Bobo has to endure. [She reaches over and pulls out a clump of Bobo's facial hair.] BOBO: AHHH! PEARL: Or all the effort they go through to think up and create these props? [She nonchalantly reaches over and backhands Observer's brain tray. He starts to drop the tray.] OBSERVER: Oh, my Heavens! [He struggles to regain control of the tray before it falls, and just manages to do so. He clutches it protectively to him.] PEARL: You -- you really don't want any more host segments. You want to just -- just sweep my character away -- like so much dust laying around on the floor -- unwanted -- unloved -- [She starts sniffling.] [SoL] CROW: How, look at that! TOM: You're making her *cry*, Mike! MIKE: [Flustered] I -- I didn't mean to -- [CF] PEARL: [Now starting to really cry] They -- they're taking me away! [She turns to Bobo] Oh, I tried to be a good evil host. [Bobo embraces her and tries to comfort her] I mean, Clayton left big footsteps to follow in, but I've done my best, I really have! I've *tried* to maintain traditional Forrester Family Values like dishonor, dishonesty, and cruelty. But I must have gone wrong somewhere! And now they're taking me awayyyyyyyoooo. [She bursts into tears.] BOBO: There, there, now, Lawgiver. [To monitor] Well, Mike, I hope you're proud of yourself! Look what you've done! [Sol] MIKE: But I -- I -- [CF] [Pearl turns from Bobo toward Observer. She is still weeping.] PEARL: Oh, Brain Guy, I'm going to miss you most of all! [Observer takes Pearl in a gentle embrace.] OBSERVER: It's all right, my dear -- er, watch the brain -- [To monitor] Well, Michael, you've succeeded in reducing a once proud woman to what you see here. And you regard yourself as a gentleman! I hope you're satisfied! [SoL] CROW: Yeah, MIKE. How COULD you! MIKE: Hey! But I -- but we -- [Holds up the letter] but he -- TOM: And what are you going to do if this dweeb suggests that maybe he's tired of US, huh? You gonna do US in, TOO? You gonna push US out an airlock? HUH? MIKE: [Now totally flustered] Okay! Okay, you guys! Jeez! Pearl, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to -- look, go ahead, keep doing your host segments. [CF] PEARL: [She stops crying for a moment] You -- you mean it? [SoL] MIKE: Of course. Go ahead. CROW: And, as punishment, go ahead and send us something really stinky. TOM: And send us a short, too. MIKE: Hey, guys, don't you think that's a bit much -- CROW: Shuttup, Mike, we deserve it! MIKE: Okay, fine, send us a short, too. Is that better, Pearl? [CF] PEARL: [Still being embraced by Observer, but all traces of her weeping suddenly gone] You BET it is! [She shoves Observer away.] OBSERVER: [Falling backwards out of picture] Ohhhh! [We hear the brain tray clatter onto the floor.] PEARL: [Facing monitor with a mixture of contempt and glee] All right, Nelson. Just to discourage any other senseless acts of rebellion like this I'm going to send up one of the more irritating pieces of marketing spam in my collection. But first a little come-on from a Health Food company. Bon appetite! Ha! Ha-Ha! Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha! HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! BOBO: [Approaching Pearl tentatively from the side as she continues to laugh maniacally] Would -- uh -- you like some more comfort, Lawgiver? [Without turning her head or breaking stride in her laughter, Pearl elbows Bobo in his stomach.] BOBO: OOF! [Grunts] I -- ugh -- guess not -- [Collapses as Pearl continues laughing.] [SoL] [Alarms blare and lights flash.] ALL: Ahhhh! WE'VE GOT SPAM SIIIIIIIIIGN!!! *...6...5...4...3...2...o... [Theater] [Mike enters theater, carrying Tom, followed by Crow.] MIKE: Nice job, guys, I'm starting to feel warmer already. CROW: Don't go blaming us for your screw-ups, Mike. MIKE: *My* screw-ups? TOM: At least you admit it. [Mike sighs in frustration and sits, placing Tom in the chair to his left as Crow sits to his right.] TOM: Hey, wouldn't no host segments mean getting rid of Gypsy, too? MIKE: No, the guy said he'd figure a way to include her in the theater. CROW: Wouldn't viewers have a hard time seeing over her head? TOM: No, this is Usenet, you dummy. The only thing going over people's heads is your many obscure riffs. CROW: Hey! [The spam begins rolling.] ---------- > From: jam0023@bigfoot.com CROW: OW! I jammed a toe on my big foot! TOM: That's the 23rd time you've done that, isn't it? > To: mtehan@erols.com MIKE: Is that supposed to stand for "M. Tehan" or "M.T. Ehan"? TOM: Maybe it's a general note going out to everybody on "Mount Ehan." > Subject: Health Food for you TOM: Does it strike anyone else as somehow oxymoronic that a health food seller would use spam? CROW: Naaah, just plain moronic. > Date: Tuesday, February 14, 1995 9:58 PM MIKE: Oh, great. I can just see someone, munching through a Whitman's Sampler on Valentine's night, surfing through the net, and some clown sends them an email about health food. > > Hi, buddy, TOM: Pssst! Hey, wanna buy a Rolex, cheap? > > I saw your name in the NetMeeting room, but I couldn't talk to > you. MIKE: But I haven't *been* in any "NetMeeting" rooms. CROW: He didn't say he saw *you* there -- maybe somebody just mentioned your name and he saw it. MIKE: Well, that *would* explain why he couldn't talk to me. > I know you take vitamins regularly. CROW: How the heck would he know that? TOM: [With German accent] Zey have vays ov know-INK. > Did you check out healthwiz.com > recently? MIKE: I can't say that I've got it bookmarked. CROW: Maybe they keep a "People Who Take Vitamins Regularly" page? > I am telling you it is the best place to look. CROW: Well, excuuuuuuuuse me! TOM: Far be it from *us* to question the word of a *spammer*! > You know, > there are only few stores can meet the online shopping standard, MIKE: Of having an ISP who'll agree to act as an outlet for their junk email? > especially, in nutritional supplements field. CROW: Yeah, that nutritional supplements field is a bitch. > However, I fell in > love with that site instantly, TOM: Uhhh -- this guy doesn't get out much. > not because of their low prices. MIKE: God *knows* it's not because of their prices. > You got to visit the site, believe me, you will love it too. CROW: And "you got to visit" the book, _Elements of Grammar_. > > Read their brief description, > > > > > The Best Online nutrition store: > > > > http://www.healthwiz.com MIKE: Okay, okay, we promise to visit the site later and read the description -- > > > > > > > >-- healthwiz.com is the world leading online store of > > nutritional supplements. TOM: Nice try, Mike, but he's going to read us the description. MIKE: Oh, rats. > > > >-- healthwiz.com provides the best quality products, the > > friendliest service, and the everyday low price. CROW: But the quality of their spam stinks. > > > >-- healthwiz.com carries famous brand names such as TwinLab, MIKE: Bowser and Rover, separated a birth. > > Schiff, TOM: Yes, they're just full of Schiff. > > Designers, MIKE: I've heard of designer drugs, but Designers vitamins? > > Natrol, CROW: Isn't he a running back in the NFL; Natrol Means? MIKE: That's NatroN Means. CROW: Oh. > > Nature's Way, TOM: [As breathless Southern Belle] Oh, YES Nature, have your WAY with me! > > Country Life and more... CROW: I thought "More" was a brand of cigarettes. MIKE: Doesn't quite seem to fit in with their health products motif, does it? > > > >-- healthwiz.com offers a wide range of selections on vitamins, > > minerals, TOM: Animals, vegetables -- > > herbs, CROW: There's Herb Smith in marketing, Herb Johnson in sales -- > > antioxidants, MIKE: Why doesn't anyone ever give equal time to the prooxidants? > > amino acids, fatty acids, TOM: Sulfuric acids -- MIKE: Hydrochloric acids -- CROW: Battery acids -- > > sports nutritions and more... CROW: There's those cigarettes again. TOM: Maybe this is a combination heath store and tobacco shop. > > > > > > > > > C. L. > MIKE: Cheryl Ladd? TOM: Charles Lindberg? CROW: Cowardly Lion? MIKE: How about Captives Leave? TOM: Huh? MIKE: [Standing, picking up Tom] Leave the theater. TOM: Oh. CROW: Sounds good to me. [Mike picks up Tom and they all exit the theater.] ...o...2...3...4...5...6...* [SOL bridge. Mike, Tom and Crow enter. Tom starts looking at the letter on the console while Mike pushes a nearby button.] MIKE: Ah, Gypsy, how's the piloting going? GYPSY: [Voice over intercom] Just fine, Mike. MIKE: No, uh, turbulence or anything? GYPSY: In space? No, of course not. MIKE: How's the hull temperature? GYPSY: Holding steady. Why all the questions? MIKE: Oh, nothing, just curious is all. [Pause] GYPSY: Mike, you're not holding anything back on me are you? MIKE: Oh, no -- no -- GYPSY: Cause I really hate guys who hide things from females because they think they can't handle bad news. MIKE: Well, it's just that -- TOM: [Looking up from letter] Uh, Gypsy, never mind, it's nothing. [Mike looks at Tom oddly.] GYPSY: You sure? TOM: Yeah, Mike's just acting weird again today. GYPSY: Okay, call if you need anything else. Out. MIKE: But Tom, why -- TOM: I assume this was the letter you were reading earlier? MIKE: Well, yeah, -- TOM: You nit-wit. Didn't you pay attention to the handwriting? MIKE: Well, I, uh -- CROW: Let me see [Looks over at letter] Oh, good grief. MIKE: Okay, you guys, what gives? CROW: This letter wasn't written by this MiSTing's author! MIKE: How can you tell that? TOM: Mike, you dolt, when we were constructed Joel installed the latest handwriting analysis programs in our CPU's, didn't you know that? MIKE: Well, no, how should I -- CROW: Not that you need to be an expert -- I mean, this note is actually legible -- if it were from this work's author, you could barely discern it. TOM: Yeah, he's got all the handwriting skill of a Doctor at the fraction of the income. CROW: But this, although you can read it -- well, the slant of the letters, the way they are laid on the lines -- TOM: All the signs of this handwriting are indicative of a deceptive, egotistical sociopath with delusions of grandeur. CROW: So you concur then on the person that wrote this? TOM: I think so. MIKE: Okay, you guys, quit showing off. Where did this letter come from? CROW & TOM: Pearl. MIKE: [Astonished] Pearl wrote this? CROW: Yep. TOM: No doubt. MIKE: But why would -- CROW: My guess is, so she could have the perverse satisfaction of seeing you beg her to send us more cheesy spam. MIKE: Hey, it was you guys who -- TOM: Come on, Mike, admit it, you were hood-winked. [Commercial light starts flashing.] DISEMBODIED VOICE: Commercial sign in 3 -- 2 -- 1 -- MIKE: [Still dumbfounded] We'll, uh, we'll be right back. [Hits commercial light.] [Break for commercials.] [Following commercial break, we rejoin Mike, Crow and Tom in the theater as they resume their seats.] MIKE: Why, that big -- TOM: Careful, Mike, we want to keep this PG. CROW: My only regret is, thanks to you, we have to sit through yet another spam. MIKE: Well, it's just an email spam. How long can this take? [The spam begins rolling.] > From: cashinyourmailbox@yahoo.com CROW: [With southern drawl] Cash in ma mailbox? Yahoo! > To: TOM: Again, we get a note meant for Mr. Blank. MIKE: I guess it beats "Resident." > Subject: $$$ FREE INFO - CASH IS KING !! MIKE: Yes, Johnny's come a long way from his tenure in Folson prison. > THE REPORT AS SEEN ON NATIONAL TV $$$ CROW: Let me guess -- _America's Most Wanted_? TOM: More likely America's *least* wanted. > Date: Tuesday, February 16, 1999 4:52 PM MIKE: And *you* are *there*. > > This is it !! > "AS SEEN ON NATIONAL T.V." TOM: Hey, this spam is quoting its own subject line. CROW: That must prove it's true. > This is the letter you've been reading about in the news lately. MIKE: This letter wasn't written by the Unibomber, perchance? > > The ultimate CA$H internet business * * * the AVERAGE > 'LITTLE'PERSON CAN STILL MAKE HEAPS OF $$$$$$'s in CASH. TOM: Yes, this is what made Hervé Villechaize a millionaire! > > YOU MAY HAVE SEEN IT BEFORE, WHY ARE YOU SEEING > IT AGAIN ???? MIKE: Maybe it has something to do with those lists of email addresses you guys keep selling each other? > BECAUSE IT REALLY WORKS !!!! TRY IT $$ CROW: Is it just me, or does an email with excessive CAPITAL LETTERS and strings like "????" and "!!!!" and "$$$$" make anyone else loose confidence in its credibility? TOM: I can't say I agree with that. CROW: You don't? TOM: No, since I never regarded this email with any confidence in the first place. MIKE: That's odd. TOM: Why? MIKE: It looks like it was written by a confidence man. > > Due to the popularity of this letter on the internet, MIKE: I don't know if "popularity" is quite the word I would have chosen. > a major nightly news program recently devoted an entire > show to the investigation of the program described below > to see,if it really can make people money. TOM: And it did! It made money for the producer, the director, the reporter -- > > The show also investigated whether or not the program > was legal.Their findings PROVED ONCE AND FOR ALL THAT > THERE ARE ABSOLUTELY NO LAWS prohibiting the participation > in the program. CROW: Participating in the TV program, that is. The online scam was another matter -- > > This has helped to show people that this is a simple, > harmless and fun way to make some extra CA$H money at home. MIKE: That's right, real cash money -- as opposed to other types of cash. > > You may have heard this story before, but over last summer > DONALD TRUMP made an appearance on the David Letterman > show. Dave asked him what he would do if he lost everything > and had to start over from scratch. TOM: Corner the calamine lotion market? > > Without hesitating,TRUMP said he would find a good network > marketing company and get to work. CROW: But what's wrong with that? That's how Ted Turner got rich, marketing his networks. MIKE: That's a different type of "network marketing." > The audience started to hoot and boo him. TOM: But they do that wherever he appears, so it was no surprise. > He looked out > at the audience and dead-panned his response CROW: "Sticks and stones may break my bones --" > "That's why > I'm sitting up here and you are all sitting out there!" TOM: I think O.J. was planning to say something like that if Cochran had let him testify. > ...... THIS IS FOR REAL !!! .......... > > So many people are participating that those involved are > doing,much better than ever before. MIKE: It takes longer for the police to track them down. > Since everyone makes > more as more people try it out, its been very exciting > to be a part of lately. CROW: Yeah, every time you see hear a siren or see a car with flashing blue lights pass your house it sends your heart a-twitter. > You will understand once you experience it. MIKE: Last time I heard that line was from some bad movie about a drug cult. > "HERE IT IS BELOW" TOM: Okay, guys, here it comes! CROW: Oh-oh, I'm getting scared! MIKE: It's okay, Crow, we're with you! > > ____________________________________________ > «¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥» > ¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ TOM: Huh? MIKE: Wha? CROW: What the heck was that? TOM: It Looked like somebody swearing in Klingon. > This is a LEGITIMATE marketing money making opportunity, > which you have total control of yourself. You receive your > CASH up front. IT IS ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY LEGAL !! CROW: Yeah, right. Absolutely. Positively. Uh-huh. > IGNORE ANYONE SAYING DIFFERENT - IT IS LEGAL !!!!! MIKE: Your family, your friends, your colleagues, that cop pounding on your door -- ignore them all! TOM: And pay no attention to that man behind the curtain! > > It does not require you to come in contact with people, > do any hard work, and best of all, you never have to > leave the house, except to get the mail.... MIKE: He paints a portrait of a sad, sorry little man. CROW: Which also seems to fit the profile of the common Internet junkie. > AND .....ALL > YOUR CUSTOMERS PAY YOU IN U.S.DOLLARS CASH $$$$$ BY MAIL!!! CROW: Every cent of which we know you'll report on your income tax form. > > YOUR COMPUTER AND THE INTERNET ARE THE KEY TO $$$$'s. TOM: Yes, and I wish you would use a little less pressure when pressing the "$" key on *your* computer -- it keeps causing that character to repeat itself. > > Many times over, it has demonstrated and proven its ability > to generate large amounts of cash. This program is > showing fantastic appeal with a huge and ever-growing > on-line population desirous of additional income. MIKE: You mean those lazy sociophobes you described earlier? TOM: Yep, them's the guys. > > You do not have to rely on an "organization" to be > around to pay you commission !! CROW: That's because no credible organization would touch this. > There is no confusing > computer disc program which you have to get unlock codes > for, no confusing MLM matrix type schemes which would > baffle a quantum mathematician ....... TOM: That's right, we thoughtfully keep our target audience in mind and maintain the complexity and effort required at about the level of a two-year old. > FORGET IT !! CROW: Forget what? MIKE: I can't remember! > THIS IS VERY SIMPLE AND SUCCESSFUL ...... AND ..... > ....... IT REALLY WORKS !!! TOM: Unlike you, you introverted work-dodgers! > > LIKE ANY MLM BUSINESS YOUR LEVEL OF INVOLVEMENT AND EFFORT > and ALSO THE INVOLVEMENT AND EFFORTS OF YOUR CUSTOMERS > WILL DETERMINE HOW MUCH YOU WILL MAKE - MIKE: My customers being those people you described earlier for whom it's a major effort to check their mailbox. > THE FIGURES SHOWN ARE EXAMPLES ONLY. You could make > less - you could make A WHOLE LOT more. TOM: So -- these examples are pretty much meaningless. CROW: Sounds that way. > > Please RE-read this IMPORTANT MESSAGE A FEW TIMES to make > sure you can follow it. ALL: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! > IT IS NOT AT ALL COMPLICATED !! MIKE: It better not be, considering your target audience. > IT WILL ONLY TAKE A FEW MINUTES OF YOUR TIME....AND... > IT REALLY WORKS 100% EVERY TIME. CROW: As opposed to 50% every time. > ____________________________________________ > «¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥» > ¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ TOM: There's that foul-mouthed Klingon again! > It is started with just USD$20 - MIKE: Okay, twenty dollars. > TWENTY DOLLARS - MIKE: That's what I said, twenty dollars. > $20 MIKE: ALL RIGHT, ALREADY, TWENTY DOLLARS! > ONLY TOTAL OUTLAY EVER..... CROW: The only outlay, inlay, or any other type of "lay" this guy's probably ever had. > and the potential income return is EXCEPTIONAL!!! > ____________________________________________ > «¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥» > ¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ TOM: And a «¤»¥«¤»§«¤» to you too, buddy! > Basically, this is what we do: As with all multi-level > business,we build our business by recruiting new partners > and selling our products. Every state in the USA and > most Countries allows you to recruit new multi-level > business partners, and we offer a PRODUCT for EVERY dollar > sent. > > THIS IS NOT A GET RICH QUICK SCHEME, OR A CHAIN LETTER - CROW: It's just something that claims to make you lot of money real fast by mailing a lot of different people, who in turn mail a lot of people -- hey, wait a minute -- > IT IS A LEGITIMATE MULTI LEVEL MARKETING BUSINESS THAT > YOU CAN PROMOTE AND OPERATE VERY EFFICIENTLY VIA THE > INTERNET. TOM: Okay, I suppose that if they offer a product that they just might, maybe, technically be regarded as legal. CROW: Is that the same way that, technically, President Clinton didn't commit perjury because he and Monica technically didn't have "sex"? MIKE: Some might say that. > > THE PRODUCTS WE SELL ARE A SERIES OF FOUR (4)SPECIAL > FINANCIAL AND BUSINESS REPORTS. THEY COME WITH REPRINTING > AND RESELLING RIGHTS. CROW: Well, looks like he's covered his rights. TOM: But sadly, he hasn't a clue about his wrongs. > THE INFORMATION IN THESE REPORTS HAS BEEN WELL RESEARCHED > AND IS VALUABLE FOR MANY OTHER BUSINESS APPLICATIONS. MIKE: All oozing with as much integrity as this one, no doubt. > > YOUR ORDERS COME BY SNAIL MAIL CROW: Snails being more reputable and reliable than spammers. > AND ARE FILLED BY YOU > THROUGH EMAIL or by snail mail, so you are not > involved in personal selling OR ANY TYPE OF FACE TO > FACE MEETING. TOM: And trust us, the less people see of *your* face, the better. > You do business privately in your own home, > store or office via email and snail mail. MIKE: Did he just suggest that people try to run this thing out of their offices at work? TOM: That's what it sounded like to me. > This is a GREAT > Multi-level Mail Order Marketing opportunity: MIKE: Sounds like a great *unemployment* opportunity if anybody follows that last bit of sage advice. > > Step (1) Order all four 4 REPORTS listed by NAME AND > NUMBER. CROW: [Singing Beatles' "You Know My Name"] You know my name -- look up the number -- > Do this by ordering the REPORT from each of the four 4 > names listed BELOW. MIKE: [In his narrator's voice from _The Mole People_] Yes, you will see them DOWN below, DOWN, DOWN -- CROW: Come on, Mike! TOM: Yeah, we've already talked to you about that. MIKE: [Muttering] Killjoys. > > For each REPORT, send US$5 CASH and a SELF-ADDRESSED, > STAMPED envelope (BUSINESS SIZE #10 - APPROX. > 22cm x 11cm or 4.5 inch x 8.5 inch ) to the person > listed for the SPECIFIC REPORT. TOM: Place everything in a brown paper bag and leave it in the trash can beside the bench under the lamp post at Bently Park at 2 PM tomorrow. Come alone. We'll be watching. > ____________________________________________ > «¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥» > ¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ TOM: There he goes again! MIKE: Just ignore him from here on, Tom. He's just trying to get attention. CROW: Yeah, it's like the excessive vulgar language in Eddie Murphy concerts -- it just looses its effect after a while. > IF YOU ARE SENDING TO ANOTHER COUNTRY FOR YOUR REPORT- > YOU MUST INCLUDE $2 EXTRA FOR POSTAGE IN PLACE OF > STAMPED ENVELOPE. > ( include self addressed envelope WITHOUT stamp) MIKE: You know, I wish we could stuff this guy in an envelope and mail *him* to another country. TOM: Yeah, *without* the return postage. > ____________________________________________ > «¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥» > ¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ > WRAP THE $5 (+$2 if international) CASH IN THE LETTER > ORDERING THE SPECIFIC REPORT NAME AND NUMBER. IMPORTANT > FOR SECURITY!!! CROW: That's right, security's important! You'd be surprised how many unscrupulous characters are out there who just want to get their hands on your money. I hear some even use the Internet. > _____________________________________________ > If you want the report EMAILED**to you PLEASE STATE IT > AND ENCLOSE YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS, STILL SEND STAMPED SELF > ADDRESS ENVELOPE OR EXTRA $2 > (International - non stamped envelope) SENDER WILL HAVE > THE OPTION TO EMAIL IT OR SNAIL MAIL IT ************* > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TOM: Or if all this is too confusing, just mail your credit card numbers and be done with it. > It is essential that you specify the NAME and NUMBER of > the report requested to the person you are ordering from. > You will need ALL FOUR 4 REPORTS because you will be > REPRINTING and RESELLING them. > > IMPORTANT: Always provide same-day service on all orders. MIKE: Unless that's too much hard work, in which case -- FORGET IT !! > ********* > Step (2) Replace the name and address under > REPORT #1 with yours, moving the one that was there > down to REPORT #2. > Drop the name and address under REPORT #2 to REPORT #3, > moving the one that was there to REPORT #4. CROW: Sounds like the key to this plan is this name shifting. TOM: The whole frigging plan sounds shifty to me. > The name and address that was under REPORT #4 is dropped > from the list CROW: Name dropper! > and this party HAS no doubt MADE A LOT OF $. TOM: Oh, absolutely, no doubt! MIKE: Although not as many "$"'s as this guy has used while typing this note. > > IMPORTANT-- DO NOT alter the names of the people who are > listed next to each report, or their sequence on the > list, in any way other than is instructed or you will > lose out on the majority of your profits. CROW: Yes, but [Sings] nothin' from nothin' leaves nothin' -- > Once you > understand the way this works, TOM: You'll report me to your Internet provider. > you'll also see how it > doesn't work if you change it. Remember, this method > has been tested, and if you alter it, it will not work. MIKE: We're talking your basic house of cards here. > > When doing this, make certain you type the > names and addresses ACCURATELY! DO NOT MIX UP MOVING > PRODUCT & REPORT POSITIONS!!! CROW: [As Doc Brown] You'll disrupt the time-space continuum! MIKE: [As Satan from _The Undead_] It shall bend, then split, then change with gay confusion! TOM: Hey, don't drag RuPaul into this! > > Step (3) Having made the required changes in the NAME > list,then save this letter as a text (.txt) file in it's > own directory to be used with whatever BULK email program > you like. CROW: I like the kind that mailbombs the addresses of spammers. MIKE & TOM: Amen! > Again,... > REPORT #3 will tell you the best methods of bulk emailing > and acquiring email lists. MIKE: Since you hardly ever see any ads for email lists on the Internet. > > Step (4) Email a copy of the entire program THE ONE YOU > ARE READING HERE,NOW TOM: As opposed to the one you were reading there, then. > (all of this is very important) CROW: (but if it is so important then why is this in small letters in parentheses) WHEN YOU SHOUT THROUGH SO MUCH OF THE REST OF THE EMAIL WITH CAPITAL LETTERS AND MULTIPLE EXCLAMATION POINTS !!! > to > EVERYONE AND ANYONE whose email address you can get your > hands on, ...... repeat ... > email to anyone and everyone! MIKE: Anyone you don't plan on having a continuing relationship with, that is. TOM: [Mimicking a phone call] Hello, Ma? Did you get that email I sent you? CROW: [Answering, groaning in elderly woman's voice] I have no son. > Use your imagination! TOM: Yes, even email your imagination! > You can get email addresses from companies on the internet > who specialize in email mailing lists. These are very cheap, CROW: *And* sleazy. > MILLIONS of addresses for around $90 or less. MIKE: [As Carl Sagan] MILLIONS and MILLIONS -- > IF YOU HAVE YOUR OWN EMAIL EXTRACTOR PROGRAM - > ALL THE BETTER !! TOM: That just proves you're already our kind of guy! > > IMPORTANT: You won't get a good response if you use an > old list, so always request AND USE FRESH, NEW lists. MIKE: Check the list's born-on date. TOM: Ahhh, don't you just love that fresh, new list smell? > You will find out where to purchase these lists when you > order the four 4 REPORTS. CROW: As opposed to the three 4 REPORTS. > __________________ > REQUIRED REPORTS > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MIKE: [As schoolmarm] Now class, pay attention; this will be required in your reports -- >***Order each REPORT by NUMBER and NAME*** > ****IMPORTANT**READ**** TOM: Yes, students, reading *is* very important. CROW: This message brought to you from the teachers of America. MIKE: Who, as always, have our special and undying thanks. > ALWAYS SEND A SELF-ADDRESSED, STAMPED ENVELOPE > AND $5 CASH U.S. FUNDS FOR EACH ORDER REQUESTING > THE SPECIFIC REPORT BY NAME AND NUMBER - PLUS > EXTRA $2 FOR INTERNATIONAL POSTAGE .... SPECIFY IF > YOU WANT IT EMAILED INCLUDING YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS. CROW: And I can't imagine why you wouldn't. > ALWAYS MAKE SURE THE US$5 CASH ( +$2 if international > postage ) IS WRAPPED IN THE LETTER FOR SECURITY!!! TOM: Is he sure we should send a letter to Security? > ____________________________________________ > «¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥» > ¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ > ****REPORT #1 "HOW TO MAKE $250,000 THROUGH > MULTI-LEVEL SALES" MIKE: Which is -- uhh -- basically a repeat of this letter? > > ORDER REPORT #1 FROM: CARNO Enterprises TOM: Yes, it's the Amazing CARNO! CROW: I wonder if that means this guy used to be a carny. MIKE: I wouldn't be surprised. TOM: Step right up and see the Amazing Carno infuriate thousands of Internet users with the stroke of a single key! > Dept.IC172 > P.O. Box 802 > Maleny QLD 4552 > AUSTRALIA ALL: AUSTRALIA? CROW: Gee, I hope that Joel didn't get hoodwinked into this. TOM: Actually, I think they're geared toward people of questionable taste and judgment. CROW: Oh. Well, like I said, I hope that Joel didn't get hoodwinked into this. > ____________________________________________ > «¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥» > ¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ > ****REPORT #2 "MAJOR CORPORATIONS AND > MULTI-LEVEL SALES" > MIKE: Subtitled, "Why They Avoid Them." > ORDER REPORT #2 FROM: WizNet Marketing > Letterbox #2 TOM: Wow, everybody's coming out with letterbox editions these days. > P.O. Box 802 CROW: [With Australian accent] Hey, Mate, mind getting your Letterbox out of my P.O. Box? > Maleny QLD 4552 > AUSTRALIA > ____________________________________________ > «¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥» > ¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ > ****REPORT #3 "SOURCES FOR THE BEST MAILING LISTS" MIKE: "Or, Spammers of the World, Unite!" TOM: Good idea, that way the bomb will do more damage. > > ORDER REPORT #3 FROM: NKH Reports > Mailbox #3 > P.O. Box 802 CROW: So we've gone from LETTERBOX #2 at P.O. Box 802 to MAILBOX #3 at the same P.O. Box? MIKE: Now, Crow, a foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds. TOM: MIKE! I told you NEVER to say ANYTHING to remind me of the film _HOBGOBLINS_! MIKE: Oops. I'm sorry. TOM: Not as sorry as that movie! > Maleny QLD 4552 > AUSTRALIA > ____________________________________________ > «¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥» > ¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ > ****REPORT #4 "EVALUATING MULTI-LEVEL SALES PLANS" MIKE: An in-depth, objective, critical report, no doubt. TOM: Absolutely. > > ORDER REPORT #4 FROM: Dollar Publishing > Maildrop #4 > P.O.Box 802 CROW: Okay, now we've gone from DEPT IC172 to LETTERBOX #2 to MAILBOX #3 to MAILDROP #4, all at P.O. Box 802. MIKE: I guess it's a multi-level P.O. Box. TOM: Yeah, they P.O. a lot of people. > Maleny Qld 4552 > Australia > ____________________________________________ > «¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥» > ¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ > TOM: Hey, I'm getting tired of this abuse. Can we take a breather? CROW: But we're robots, Tom. We don't breathe! [Chuckles] TOM: Can we take a *break* then, smarty-pants? I know we can break. In fact, if you'd like me to demonstrate on you -- MIKE: Okay, guys, calm down. I'll tell you what, let's get out of here a while and I'll breathe, and you break -- no, I mean -- ah, let's just go. [Mike picks up Tom and all exit theater. Break for commercials.] [Following commercial break, we rejoin Mike, Crow and Tom on the SoL bridge. The bridge is made up like a theater itself, with a large boiling pot sitting on the table. Mike stirs the pot slowly; he is flanked by Tom and Crow, and all three are made up like stereotypical Halloween witches. Gypsy enters; she is wearing an evening dress, heavy lipstick and long eyelashes. She stands in front of the table and addresses the monitor.] GYPSY: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Inspired by products offered at the health food website advertised earlier, we would like to present an adaptation of the witches' cauldron sequence from Shakespeare's _Macbeth_, Act 4, Scene 1. Thank you. [Gypsy exits to the side. Mike, Tom and Crow begin chanting a poem (of sorts), their voices imitations of the standard "witches' cackle", with each in turn tossing an item into the pot as he finishes a stanza.] ALL: Round and round the cauldron go; In the healthful herbs we throw! MIKE: Kelp, Alfalfa, and Grape Seed Gives us vitamins we need. CROW: Next we toss crimson Red Clover, More and more, over and over. TOM: Now we Gotu Kola add For programmers with logic bad. MIKE: In we drop some Change-O-Life For the older, fevered wife. CROW: Next we add some Horsetail Grasses From equine with green-stained -- behinds. TOM: Now in the pot we Leg Veins toss, Regular and varicose. MIKE: Next we add some fresh Cat's Claw, From poor pussy's painful paw. CROW: St. John's Wort adds some confection; Holy man, but bad complexion. TOM: Last we toss some Butcher's Broom With stains of red from just-cleaned room. ALL: Bubble, Bubble, health food stew, Herbs coalesce and minerals brew! [Alarms blare and lights flash.] MIKE: Now we've got yet more spam sign! CROW: Go take your seats, and I'll grab mine! *...6...5...4...3...2...o... [Theater] [Mike enters, carrying Tom, followed by Crow. They are still wearing their witch's hats.] CROW: That was kinda fun. MIKE: Yeah, but I think we may have invoked Shakespeare's curse. TOM: Really? How so? MIKE: We might have sent his bones spinning in his grave. [They retake their seats and Mike removes their hats as the email resumes rolling.] > HERE'S AN EXAMPLE OF HOW THIS AMAZING MLM > PLAN TOM: Oh my God, it's the Amazing Colossal Plan! > CAN MAKE YOU $ MONEY $ : .............. > > Let's say you decide to start small just to see how it goes. CROW: Kinda like when this guy gets together with his girlfriend. TOM: Only it never goes any further. MIKE: Okay, come on, guys. Let's stay above this guy's level. CROW: That's like staying above the bottom of a mid-ocean trench. > Assume your goal is to get ONLY 20 sales for Report #1. > Also let's assume that everyone else in your downline > (THAT'S EACH OF THOSE FIRST 20 gets ONLY 10 orders EACH > for their respective Reports. TOM: While we're at it, let's assume that unicorns exist and that the dinosaurs never died out. > Follow this example for the STAGGERING results below. > > Report #1--your 20 orders with $5 $100 > Report #2--10 orders from EACH those 20 (200 x $5) $1,000 > Report #3--10 orders from EACH those 200 (2,000 x $5) $10,000 > Report #4--10 orders from EACH those 2,000 (20,000 x $5)$100,000 > THIS TOTALS----------->$111,100 CROW: Good heavens! Do you know what this means? MIKE: What's that, Crow? CROW: That this guy graduated from 6th grade math! TOM: Now *that's* a staggering revelation. > > Remember, this is assuming that the people who participate > only get 10 sales each for their respective Reports. Dare to > think for a moment MIKE: And you'll hit the "Delete" key. > what would happen if everyone got 20 sales each! > Some people WHO REALLY GO FOR IT get 100's of sales. > THINK ABOUT IT! DO THE NUMBERS YOURSELF !!! CROW: I'd sooner do the Macarena. > SCARY HUH? TOM: Yes, you are. > Alternatively, do the numbers if you get 20 orders and > everyone else gets only 5 orders each ....... $16,500 is > nothing to sneeze at!! MIKE: Ah-ah-ah-CHOOOO! TOM: Jeez, Mike, you sneezed all over the screen. You've made it harder to read now. CROW: Yeah. Sneeze again, Mike. > > follow the program EXACTLY AS DETAILED ABOVE .... > and you CAN be on your way to a much better financial position. > ___________ > CONCLUSION ALL: YAYYYYYYY!!!! [General cheering and whistling noises] > ____________________________________________ > «¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥» > ¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ > I am enjoying the 100% CASH income that I make by sending > out this program. You too, will be making money in from > 3 to 20 days(DEPENDING ON THE SPEED OF THE SNAIL MAIL), > if you follow the SIMPLE STEPS outlined in this mailing. > > To be financially independent is to be FREE. ALL: [Singing] Freeeeeeee -- as a birrrrrrd -- > Free to make > financial decisions as never before. Go into business, > get into investments, retire or take a vacation. TOM: Not necessarily in that order. > No > longer will a lack of money hold you back. Buy that new > well needed car, help your Family, get into your own > home, MIKE: Honey! I locked myself out again! > do those extensions on your home...... WHATEVER .??? CROW: Yeah. Whatever. > > However, very few people reach financial independence, > because when opportunity does knock, they choose to ignore it. ALL: [Singing] Somebody's knocking at the door -- somebody's ringing the bell -- > It is much easier to say "NO" than "YES", TOM: It requires fewer mouth muscles. > and this is the > question that you must answer. Will YOU ignore this amazing > opportunity or will you take advantage of it? CROW: But that's not a "yes" or "no" question! > If you do nothing, > you have indeed missed something and nothing will change. MIKE: But -- if nothing *changes* then I must have done something -- wait a minute -- > > Thousands of people have used this program to: TOM: Bug the bejeebers out of thousands of *other* Internet users? > - Raise capital to start their own business > - Pay off debts > - Buy homes, cars, etc., > - Dine out more often! > - Get those teeth capped !! > - Even retire! CROW: You know, if the guy hadn't dined out more often he wouldn't have *had* to get his teeth capped. MIKE: All he had to do was brush regularly. TOM: Naaah, too much hard work. > > This is your chance, so please don't pass it up! > > PLEASE RE-READ THIS MATERIAL, CROW: Hell, no! > THIS IS A SPECIAL OPPORTUNITY !!! > My method is simple. MIKE: Like my customers. > I sell thousands of people TOM: Hey, I thought the 13th amendment put an end to that! > a product > for $5 that costs me pennies to produce and email. I should > also point out AGAIN that this MLM program is legal and every > person who participates WILL make money. You are offering > a legitimate valuable and useful product to your customers. MIKE: "valuable"? "useful"? This guy must use a different dictionary than I do. TOM: [Whispering] Quiet, Mike, or you'll give him an idea for some scheme like this to peddle *dictionaries*! MIKE: [Whispering back] Good point. Sorry. > After they purchase the product from you, they reproduce > more and resell them. CROW: So it works kinda like a virus. > > It's simple free enterprise. MIKE: You know, I wonder if it was guys like this that inspired Karl Marx. TOM: How's that, comrade? > As you learned from the enclosed > material, the PRODUCT is a series of four 4 TOM: "four 4" again? CROW: This guy must be a really bad golfer. > FINANCIAL AND > BUSINESS REPORTS. The information contained in these REPORTS > will not only help you in making your participation > in this program more rewarding, but will be useful to you in > many other business decisions you make in the years ahead. MIKE: Devise and perpetrate your *own* spam schemes -- it's great fun! > > You are also buying the rights to reprint all of the REPORTS, > which will be ordered from you by those to whom you mail or > email this program. > By the way, your cost to participate in this is practically > nothing. TOM: Aside from your integrity and self-esteem, but you've probably lost those long ago -- > You obviously already have an internet connection > and email is FREE !!! (apart from time on air) TOM: It is *not* "FREE", you air-head, you've just managed to spread the cost among thousands of other Internet customers, many of which won't even *receive* your spam -- not that they'd *want* to! CROW: Sounds kinda socialistic to me -- I thought this guy was just singing the praises of "free enterprise." MIKE: I guess he's not particularly choosy about which political system to follow as long as it nets him the most loot. TOM: Yeah, he's apolitical in addition to being amoral. > REPORT#3 will > show you the best methods for bulk emailing and purchasing > email lists. CROW: But if you bulk email the email lists why should anyone have to purchase them? > > The concise REPORTS you will be buying can easily be > reproduced at a local copy center for a cost of about 3 > cents a copy. If you EMAIL the reports back to the purchaser > you even save this cost. MIKE: Or better yet, mail it back to the original sender, along with a cease-and-desist order if possible. > Best wishes with the program and Good Luck! > CROW: You'll need it, heh-heh-heh. TOM: Well, that should just about wrap it up. MIKE: Yep. Come on guys, let's get out of -- > REMEMBER: ALL: AHHHHHH! CROW: Man, doesn't this "Conclusion" ever conclude? > Approx. 200,000 new people get online WEEKLY! You will > NEVER EVER run out of potential customers! TOM: That's right, more and more schmucks just like you get online every day! MIKE: Yes, and even after the whole world has gotten online, they'll all start getting second email accounts just to receive more of *your* mailings! > ORDER YOUR > REPORTS NOW!!! You will not believe the income potential! CROW: But I *already* don't believe the income potential! > > YOU COULD MAKE MORE $$ CA$H $$ MONEY > IN THE NEXT FEW MONTHS THAN YOU HAVE EVER > IMAGINED !! TOM: [As Han Solo] I don't know, I can *imagine* quite a bit. > HERE'S YOUR CHANCE TO MAKE THE AGE OF > COMPUTERIZATION AND THE LIMITLESS OPPORTUNITIES > OF THE INTERNET REALLY WORK FOR YOU !!!!!!!!! MIKE: Frankly, I had more faith in the Age of Aquarius. > > Follow the program EXACTLY AS INSTRUCTED. Do not change > it in any way. It works exceedingly well as it is now. CROW: This guy's not much for "thinking outside the box" or "paradigm shifting", is he? > Remember to email a copy of this exciting program THAT > YOU ARE READING NOW to everyone that you can think of. > One of the people you send this to may send out 500,000 > OR 2 million, OR MORE... MIKE: [As Rod Serling] That's a signpost up ahead; we're about to leave -- The Reality Zone. TOM: This guy should have concluded while he was ahead. CROW: I'd like to see this guy as a head, the same way as the villain in that movie, _The Thing that Wouldn't Die_. MIKE: That's _The Thing that COULDN'T Die_. TOM: Kinda like this email. > and your name will be on every > one of them! CROW: Why don't I find comfort in that thought? > Remember, the more you send out, the more > potential customers you will reach. > IT IS A PURE NUMBERS BUSINESS !! TOM: That's funny, my internal reality checker program just flagged the word "BUSINESS" and suggested "RACKET" as a substitute. > > So my friend, I have given you the ideas, information, > materials, and opportunity to become financially better off. CROW: That's right, you didn't have to do any work at all. TOM: Do we know our customers, or what? > IT IS UP TO YOU NOW -THINK ABOUT IT- > your TOTAL risk is ONLY $20????!!!!! MIKE: Is *he* asking *us*? CROW: Maybe he forgot if he mentioned the $20 earlier. > HOW MUCH DO > YOU SPEND ON LOTTO TICKETS PER WEEK > - FOR NO RETURN ????! TOM: Now why am I not surprised that this guy would assume his customers are the type that spend what money they are able to make on millions-to-one lottery ticket shots? > > ____________________________________________________ > ¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥« TESTIMONIALS »¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥ > ¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ ALL: WHAT? TOM: TESTIMONIALS? MIKE: Criminy, isn't this thing ever going to end? CROW: So -- "Conclusion" doesn't mean the end of the note? MIKE: No, we've apparently advanced into a "post-Conclusion" stage. TOM: Is that like post-Apocalyptic? MIKE: Yes, only worse. > "IT IS TRULY AMAZING" > > My name is Frank. CROW: Frank? TOM: TV's Frank? He's behind this? CROW: That would explain a LOT! MIKE: Oh, come on, guys, what are the chances of that? Besides, TV's Frank went to Second Banana Heaven, remember? CROW: Well -- maybe he got cast out! TOM: Yeah, he screwed up and mailed one of these things to God. CROW: You have to admit -- avoids people -- hates hard work -- wants to stay cooped up inside all day -- doesn't this sound like a profile of TV's Frank to you? MIKE: Come on, guys, get real. > My wife Doris and I live in Bel-Air, MD. > I am a cost accountant with a major U.S. Corporation and I > make pretty good money. CROW: The money's good, it's just the amount of it that I get that sucks. > When I received the program I > grumbled to Doris about receiving "junk mail"! TOM: [Grumbling] «¤»§«¤»¥«¤» junk mail! > > I made fun of the whole thing, spouting my knowledge of the > population and percentages involved. I "knew" it wouldn't > work. MIKE: This guy sounds more like John Agar in _The Mole People_. > Doris totally ignored my supposed intelligence CROW: Like most of the people who know me. > and jumped in with both feet. I made merciless fun of her, > and was ready to lay the old "I told you so" on her when the > thing didn't work... TOM: Uh, buddy, does the name "Lorena Bobbitt" mean anything to you? > well, the laugh was on me! MIKE: We're not laughing with you, we're laughing at you! > Within 14 DAYS > she had received over 50 responses for Report #1. CROW: Most of the responses along the lines of, "Why the hell did you send me this load of garbage?" > Within > 45 days she had received over $147,200 in $5 bills! TOM: Yeah, I used to get overwhelmed by a lot of little bills every month, too. Try refinancing and consolidating. > I was stunned. MIKE: I should have been more careful where I left my taser. > I was sure that I had it all figured and that it wouldn't work... > I AM a believer now. ALL: [Singing] I couldn't leave her if I tried -- > I have joined Doris in her "little" hobby. > I did have seven more years until retirement, but I think of the > "rat race" and it's not for me... CROW: Those little vermin are just too darned quick! > We owe it all to this simple > but incredible MLM program. > Frank T., Bel-Air, MD TOM: You see! It *is* TV's Frank! He just signed with this first initial! CROW: Yeah! MIKE: Noooo! Uh, wait a minute -- ah, no way. I don't think -- naaaaaah. > > I just want to pass along my best wishes and encouragement > to you. Any doubts you have will vanish when your first > orders come in. IT REALLY WORKS!!! > Paul Johnson, Raleigh, NC CROW: Hummm, a nice, common name, that. MIKE: You don't mean to insinuate -- CROW: Heaven forbid! > > This is the only realistic money-making offer I've ever received. TOM: So this guy has never been offered a real job that paid him money? MIKE: Apparently not. > I participated because this plan truly makes sense. I was > surprised when the $5 bills started filling my mail box. By the > time it tapered off I had received over 8,000 orders with > over $40,000 in cash. CROW: Well, that math checks out. It must be true. > Dozens of people have sent warm personal notes too, TOM: I got warm personal notes like that, too, the last time I participated in a plan like this. MIKE: You did not, you got flames that questioned the legitimacy of your parentage. TOM: That's what I said. > sharing > the news of their good fortunes! It's been WONDERFUL. > Carl Winslow Tulsa, OK CROW: Oh, a note from the great Carl Winslow Tulsa. > > The main reason for this letter is to convince you that this > system is honest, lawful, extremely profitable, and is a way > to get a large amount of money in a short time. MIKE: In that case, as far as I'm concerned, this letter has failed miserably. > I was > approached several times before I checked this out. I > joined just to see what one could expect in return for the > minimal effort and money required. TOM: Minimal efforts being my specialty. > Initially I let no one > in the organization know that I was an attorney and, CROW: Organization? I thought we didn't need no stinking organization? > to > my astonishment, I received $36,470 in the first 14 weeks, > with money still coming in. > Sincerely yours, Phillip A. Brown MIKE: Ah, "the" Phillip A. Brown from -- anywhere in the world. > > This plan works like GANG-BUSTERS!!! TOM: It bursts down your door and places you under arrest? > So far I have had > 9,735 total orders...OVER $48,000!!! I hope I have sparked > your own excitement, CROW: Yeah, like a wet match on soaked leaves. > if you follow the program exactly, > you could have the same success I have, if not better. > Your success is right around the corner, but you must > do a little work. > Good Luck! G. Bank MIKE: [As the maid Hazel] Thanks, Mr. G. > > Not being the gambling type, TOM: Honest, no more than 20 trips to Vegas a year. Well, sometimes 30. Okay, 40 tops. > it took me several weeks to make > up my mind to participate in this plan. But conservative that I > am CROW: Hey, it looks like Newt's found another occupation already! > I decided that the initial investment was so little that there > was just no way that I wouldn't get enough orders to at least > get my money back. Boy I was surprised when I found my > medium-size post office box crammed with orders. TOM: Hey, Mike, there's those cease-and-desist orders you mentioned earlier! MIKE: I was hoping somebody would take the advice. > > After that it got so over-loaded that I had to start picking up my > mail at the window. I'll make more money this year than any > years of my life before. CROW: You know, to properly over-hype this plan, shouldn't this person have written "than ALL the years of my life before"? MIKE: That's a good point, Crow. This writer needs to work on the ol' hyperbole. > The nice thing about this deal is that > it doesn't matter where in the U.S. OR THE WORLD FOR THAT > MATTER, the people live. TOM: No place to run, no place to hide! > There simply isn't a better investment > with a faster return. > Mary Rockland, Lansing, MI MIKE: Ah, a note from the fairer sex. CROW: Define "fair" in this sense. > > I had received this program before. I deleted it, TOM: In a fit of sanity. > but later I > wondered if I shouldn't have given it a try. MIKE: The heartbreak of spam angst. > Of course, I had no > idea who to contact to get another copy, CROW: The senders of these things not tending to keep indexed web pages and all. > so I had to wait until I > was e-mailed another program.. TOM: I wonder why this guy was so confident he'd get another email like this? MIKE: How's that old saying go? "If you love something, let it go. If it doesn't come back to you --" CROW: "Hunt it down and kill it!" MIKE: Crow! CROW: Well, that's the version *I* heard. > 11 months passed then it came... MIKE: [As Boris Karloff] Somehow or other it came, just the same. > I didn't delete this one!...I made $41,000 on the first try!! > D. Wilburn, Muncie, IN > > This is my third time to participate in this plan. CROW: The first two being *total* wash-outs. > We have quit > our jobs, TOM: Voluntarily? > and quite soon we will buy a home on the beach MIKE: Which will be kinda hard, since we'll have to coordinate our sleeping patterns with the tides. > and > live off the interest on our money. CROW: Not that our money is all *that* interesting, what with the government screwing up the design of the bigger bills and all -- > THE ONLY WAY ON > EARTH THAT THIS PLAN WILL WORK FOR YOU IS IF > YOU DO IT!! CROW: If you "DO IT"? Huh? MIKE: Boy, I must have missed something *significant* from earlier in this email. TOM: Actually, I think these wannabe beach-dwellers have seen _From Here to Eternity_ a few times too many. > For your sake, and for your family's sake don't > pass up this golden opportunity. > Good luck and happy spending! > Charles Fairchild, Spokane, WA TOM: But his friends call him "Bubba." > $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ > $ TIPS FOR SUCCESS $ > $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ MIKE: Tip one: Never believe everything you read in an online email advertisement. > > Send for your four 4 REPORTS immediately so you will have > them when the orders start coming in. > ___________________________________ > WHILE YOU WAIT FOR THE REPORTS TO ARRIVE: TOM: Read _War and Peace_? MIKE: Count the holes in Blackburn, Lancashire? CROW: Listen to William Shatner's _The Transformed Man_ album? MIKE: But that doesn't take all that long. CROW: I know, but it *seems* to take an eternity. > ____________________________________________ > «¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥«¤»§«¤»¥» > ¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ > 1. Name your new business. You can call it anything > you wish. TOM: Okay, gotcha, we're now "Anything You Wish, Inc." > > 2. Get a post office box (preferred). CROW: Can't we share P.O. Box 802 with you? Everybody else does! > > 3. Edit the names and addresses on the program. You > must remember, MIKE: A kiss is just a kiss. > your name and address go next to > REPORT #1 and the others all move down one, with > the fourth one being bumped OFF the list. TOM: You wanna know who *I'm* thinking of bumping off right now? > > 4. Obtain as many email addresses as possible to send > until you receive the information on mailing list > companies in REPORT #3. MIKE: Wait a minute, I thought that that was what Report #3 was supposed to help us find. CROW: Maybe he means you're supposed to obtain the email addresses of friends and colleagues. TOM: Make that soon-to-be *former* friends and colleagues. > > 5. Decide on the number of programs you intend to send > out. The more you send, and the quicker you send > them, the more money you will make. CROW: Why the rush, is he afraid people will start to catch on? > I suggest at > least 100,000 PLUS by bulk email initially, and then > more if you need to. IF YOU WANT TO MAKE THIS A > REALLY BIG BUSINESS, TOM: And advance from a rinky-dink 100,000-note irritant to a genuine pain-in-the-asterisk -- > THEN SEND OUT 500,000 > OR MORE. THE MORE YOU SEND THE MORE YOU > WILL MAKE !!! MIKE: Ah, deficit sending. > DON'T FORGET - FRESH TARGETED LISTS!! CROW: Yes, Snuggles, we heard you the first time. > > 6. After mailing the programs, get ready to fill the orders. TOM: Yep, those orders should be arriving any time now ... hummmm, humm humm ... yep, any time ... > > 7. Copy the four 4 REPORTS so you are able to send > them out as soon as you receive an order. MIKE: Yeah, go down to Kinko's and make 100,000 copies in advance. Think positive! > IMPORTANT: ALWAYS PROVIDE SAME-DAY > SERVICE ON ORDERS YOU RECEIVE! CROW: Which is not always easy without leaving your house or working too hard. > > 8. Make certain the letter and reports are neat and > legible. TOM: And don't forget to add a lot of CAPITALIZED WORDS and punctuation marks !!!! > ______________ > YOUR GUARANTEE : MIKE: Now *this* oughtta be good. > > The check point which GUARANTEES your success is simply > this: > you must receive AT LEAST 20 orders for REPORT #1. > THIS IS A MUST !!! > If you don't within two weeks, CROW: Yeah, what's going to happen then, spamboy? Huh? > email out more programs until > you do. CROW: WHAT? TOM: HUH? MIKE: Wait a minute -- > > Then a couple of weeks later you should receive AT LEAST 100 > orders for REPORT #2, THIS IS A MUST ALSO !!! if you don't, TOM: Oh, let me guess, you have to email more? > send out more programs until you do. TOM: BINGO! CROW: You sure you don't mean "BUNKO"? MIKE: Jeez, this is worse than those guarantees that say if you don't like a product, they'll send you more of it free. > > Once you have received 100 or more orders for REPORT #2, > (take a deep breath) CROW: Just don't hold it waiting for the frigging orders. > you can sit back and relax CROW: And for God's sake, start breathing again! > .......IF YOU > WANT TO, because YOU SHOULD MAKE AT LEAST > $50,000 CASH. Mathematically it is a proven guarantee. TOM: Oh, yeah, with a couple of caveats the size of Mount Everest. > > Of those who have participated in the program and reached > the above GUARANTEES- ALL have reached their $50,000 goal. MIKE: Isn't that like "guaranteeing" that all the planes that landed safely at the airport did not crash during their flight? CROW: I wonder if this plan has a "warranty" as well. TOM: Naaah, this plan is completely unwarranted. > Also, remember, every time your name is moved down the > list you are in front of a different REPORT, so you can keep > track of your program by knowing what people are ordering > from you. IT'S THAT EASY, REALLY, IT IS!!! CROW: You *do* trust me on that, don't you? > G O F O R I T - G O O D L U C K ! TOM: Ah, yeah, okay, thanks so much! MIKE: Wow, finally, it looks like -- > > I repeat MIKE: Dohhh! TOM: Jumping gyroscopes, not more! CROW: This isn't an email, its a textural infomercial! > ...."your TOTAL risk is ONLY $20????!!!!! HOW MUCH DO > YOU SPEND ON LOTTO TICKETS EVERY WEEK > - FOR NO RETURN ????!" CROW: Yep, that's definitely a repeat from earlier, all right. TOM: Maybe this guy is trying to add his own stinger? > > (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( > ** PS. DON'T FORGET TO INCLUDE EXTRA $2 CASH FOR INTERNATIONAL > POSTAGE IF YOU ARE ORDERING YOUR REPORT FROM SOMEONE IN > ANOTHER COUNTRY * > )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) TOM: Yeah, but just who is this "I.A. Dada" from Saudi Arabia, anyway? > > ****************************** [There is silence for a few moments. No more text rolls.] MIKE: Uh, guys, you think -- CROW: [Whispering] Shhh! We'd better wait a few more seconds. [A few seconds pass in silence. Still no text.] TOM: [Whispering] I think it's really over this time! MIKE: [Whispering] Okay, but just to be safe, get ready to make a dash for it -- on three -- one -- two -- THREE! [Mike and Crow dash out of the picture.] TOM: [Still seated] HEY!!! GUYS!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING???? DON'T LEAVE ME HERE!!!! [Begins sobbing loudly.] [Mike dashes back into picture.] MIKE: [Picking up Tom and placing him under his arm like a football] Sorry about that, Servo! TOM: [Between angry sobs] How could you *leave* me in here with the likes of THAT?! [Mike dashes out of picture with Tom under his arm. We hear a noise like something striking a door frame.] TOM: [Off-camera] OWWWW! WATCH THE HEAD! MIKE: [Off-camera] Sorry about that, too, Servo. ...o...2...3...4...5...6...* [SOL bridge. Mike, Crow and Tom enter; Tom with an ice pack taped to his head. Mike hits Pearl's communication light.] MIKE: [At monitor, with some anger] Mrs. Forrester, that letter was a terrible, rotten trick to play on us! CROW: Actually, it was on you, Mike. TOM: Yeah, we saw right through it. MIKE: Well -- that's irrelevant! It was a rotten thing to do to anybody! [CF. Pearl and Observer are standing in the foreground, looking at the monitor, and laughing.] PEARL: [Still laughing] Nelson, I tell you, you are a jewel! You fell for that hook, line, and sinker! OBSERVER: [Also still laughing] Yes, and I must say, Pearl, that this is much better than that silly penguin costume prank you pulled. And this time you didn't need all the extravagant planning and wasteful expense. [Pearl stops laughing, her face taking on an expression of muted anger. She stares daggers toward Observer. Observer continues to laugh for a bit, then sees Pearl's glare. His laugh quickly devolves to a chuckle, and then fades altogether.] OBSERVER: [Shyly] I, um, ahem, I think I'll go out to the garage; it's time to change my cerebral fluid. [He exits quickly and quietly to the side.] PEARL: [Regaining some of her humor, to monitor] That's right, Nelson, you are so gullible! I'm surprised you never actually *fell* for one of these email scams like those idiots who think they can actually make money on some scheme like this. [Bobo wanders into picture in the background. He is holding large stacks of $5 bills, one stack in each hand, each about the same size, and is transferring bills from one hand to the other as he counts.] BOBO: 425, 430, 435, 440, -- [Pearl, irritated by Bobo's interruption, rolls her eyes toward the ceiling, but does not look back at him.] PEARL: And just *what* do you think you're doing? BOBO: I'm just going through my mail for today, Lawgiver. PEARL: Well, try going through it a little more quietly! BOBO: Oh, yes ma'am! [Resumes counting quietly by 5's as he wanders out of picture.] PEARL: Anyway, Nelson, lest you think about trying to devise some half-baked prank in some pathetic attempt at retribution, let me warn you now not to even try it! This girl wasn't born yesterday and let me tell you that nobody, *nobody* puts something over on Pearl Forrester! [Pearl pauses for a moment as her face slowly takes on an expression of puzzled contemplation. Then she glances in the direction where Bobo had left a moment ago, then looks down at the floor for a few seconds, chewing her lip in thought.] PEARL: [Frowning and shaking her head dismissively] Naaaaaah. [Fade out. Roll credits and play closing theme.] 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 | | | Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its associated characters | | and situations are the property of and trademarks of Best | | Brains, Inc. In no way should this MiSTing be construed to | | be an infringement on those rights. All rights reserved. | | Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment | | purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trade- | | marks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred. | | This post is a satire and not intended as a personal attack upon | | the original advertisers or other persons or characters presented, | | and is meant only as entertainment and commentary. | | | 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 > SCARY HUH?