A H A L L O W E E N H I C K E Y ----------------------------------- A MiSTing by Jim Gadfly gadfly@angelfire.com Published October 26, 2002 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 In the not-too-distant future In another reality Mike Nelson and his robot pals Are still in captivity Still held by that evil Pearl Forester With Professor Bobo and Observer Still trapped in the Satellite of Love The experiment continues as they orbit high above Pearl sends them rants and fanfics, Spam and other assorted things (la-la-la) Mike and the 'bots must read it all No matter what pain it brings (la-la-la) In this world Sci-Fi can't control When the series will ever end. Mike may spend all eternity Trapped with his robot friends E-bay Recall: Cambot (Are we back on?!) Gypsy (Great phoenix!) Tom Servo (Re-check me out!) Croooow! (We're the same!) If you're wondering why I write this stuff Since the series bid life farewell, The answer is that I loved that show And Sci-Fi can go to -- Wisconsin! (Woooo Packers!) Long live Mystery Science Theater 3000! (Guitar twang) ...o...2...3...4...5...6...* Satellite of Love. MIKE is sitting behind the console, engrossed in reading Stephen King's "From a Buick 8." Sitting on the console to his right is a jack-o-lantern, a candle burning inside, and to his left sits a bowl full of assored candies. Suddenly CROW, TOM, and GYPSY appear from the stage to his left. Each is dressed in a costume. CROW is dressed in his "Bear" costume, TOM in his "dog" costume, and GYPSY is wearing a rainbow wig, polka-dot clown dress, and a large rubber ball attached to her "nose." Each is "carrying" a plastic jack-o-lantern style Halloween treat container. TOM, CROW & GYPSY: TRICK OR TREAT! MIKE: [Looking over nonchalantly at his visitors] Oh. Hi, guys. Here you go. [Reaches into the bowl and tosses a treat into each container in turn as he says their names] Gypsy. Crow. Tom. CROW: Hey, how did you know it was us? MIKE: Uh, aside from the fact that your costumes aren't all that conceiling, who else COULD it be up here? CROW: Well, I guess that's true... TOM: Not exactly a big crowd to get lost in. GYPSY: So that means we're done with trick-or-treating this year already? MIKE: It looks that way. [He leans over to the jack-o- lantern and blows out the candle.] CROW: [Glumly] Gee. You look forward to trick-or- treating all year and it's over in no time. MIKE: Actually, it was over in ... [looks at his watch] seventeen seconds. CROW: Is that all? How. It's not like it was back when I was growing up. GYPSY: Uh, Crow, you never grew up. CROW: That's true. I always HAVE been a kid inside. TOM: No, she meant you never HAD a childhood. CROW: [Voice cracking a little] Hey, is it MY fault that my parents threw me out into this cruel world to scrape out a living on my own at such a young and tender age? GYPSY: But you didn't have any PARENTS, either! CROW: Oh, now you had to bring THAT up! [Breaks down and starts to sob.] GYPSY: Oh, brother. TOM: Tell me about it. MIKE: [To us] Uh, this may take a while. We'll be right back. [Turns to the sobbing CROW and gives him a tentative hug.] There, there, it'll be all right. CROW: [Still crying] I'm sorry, Mike, but, but -- I'm only human! TOM: You're not HUMAN, either! CROW: [Wails] OHHHHH! [Breaks down into MIKE's arms as MIKE looks back at TOM reproachfully. TOM and GYPSY just shake their heads.] [Break for commercials.] [When we return from commerial break, MIKE, TOM, and CROW are in their usual spots behind the console. TOM and CROW have removed their costumes, and MIKE is feeding CROW one of the treats from the bowl of candies.] MIKE: [To CROW] There. Feel better now? CROW: [Between chews] A little. But... [peeks into bowl] Could I have one of those caramel ones, now? I'm sure that'll help. TOM: [Annoyed] Help any more than those OTHER dozen pieces you've had Mike feed you so far? CROW: [Defensively] Maybe! TOM: [Gives an exasperated sigh as the mads light begins flashing, then] Mike, I think we're being scammed! MIKE: Well, maybe, but -- [He notices the light] Oh, speaking of scams... [To us] Yes, Mrs. Forrester, what can we do for you? [Castle Forrester. We see OBSERVER, brain pan in one hand, standing in front of the main door. Standing to one side of the door, his back against the wall, is BOBO, wearing a "Leatherface" mask and holding a toy chainsaw. Suddenly we hear a knock on the door. OBSERVER opens it, and we see a group of three ten-year-olds in Halloween costumes holding out bags.] KIDS: Trick or treat! [BOBO leaps from his hiding place into the doorway in front of them.] BOBO: TRICK! [He pushes a button on his toy chainsaw and it makes a chainsaw-like noise.] KIDS: [Frightened] AHHHHHH! [The kids run away as OBSERVER and BOBO laugh and give each other high fives. As they do so, we pan back until we see PEARL in the foreground sitting in an easy chair facing at an oblique angle towards us, a half-full bowl of popcorn in her lap. We see a flickering reflection on her and hear the muted, tinny sounds of screams and horror movie music and realize she is watching TV. She looks back at BOBO and OBSERVER and shakes her head in disgust. Then she turns to us.] PEARL: Oh, hello my little Halloweenies. It seems my minions have concocted a little something to keep them entertained tonight, although it's only about as clever as the types of pracks I pulled back when I was twelve. Anyway, while I'm pre-screening a couple of candidate films to send up your way later, I thought I'd warm you up with a little hellfire rant from the Hickey clan. You remember that little Christmas Hickey thing I sent your way last year? [SoL. MIKE and the 'BOTS start to fidget un- comfortably.] MIKE: Well, yeah, it was, uh -- TOM: Memorable. CROW: I'll say. [CF] PEARL: Good. Well, here's a sequel, a little sage advice geared toward tonight's little commemoration. [Turning back to the door] Brai-- [As PEARL was speaking, OBSERVER had opened the door for another small group of children.] KIDS: Trick or treat! [BOBO leaps from his hiding place into the doorway in front of them.] BOBO: TRICK! [He pushes a button on his toy chainsaw and it makes a chainsaw-like noise.] KIDS: [Frightened] AHHHHHH! [BOBO and OBSERVER again laugh and begin to give each other high-fives.] PEARL: [Impatient] BRAIN GUY! [Startled, OBSERVER starts to turn toward PEARL.] OBSERVER: Yes, M-- [Their timing thrown off in the middle of their high five, OBSERVER and BOBO end up smashing each other in the face. They each moan and stagger for a moment.] PEARL: BRAIN GUY, GET OVER HERE! [OBSERVER lurches forward, one hand still holding his brain pan, the other over the eye that BOBO struck.] OBSERVER: Yes, Madam, what can I do for you? PEARL: Time to send up that little piece of Halloween advice from our religious sage, Mother Hickey. OBSERVER: Very good, Madam. [Bobs head toward us a few times as "brain noise" plays, then, to us] And may God have mercy on your souls! [SoL. Alarms blare and lights flash.] MIKE: Oh, no! We've got... we've got... TOM: HICKEY SIGN!!! ALL: AHHHHHH!!! *...6...5...4...3...2...o... [Theater. MIKE enters, carrying TOM, followed by CROW. They all take their usual seats as the post begins.] > From: Mother Henrietta Hickey (penicillin@my-deja.com) CROW: Waitaminute, wasn't it "Grandmother" Hickey last year? MIKE: Yeah. But it's the same email. I wonder if it's the same person. TOM: Maybe she disowned her grandkids? MIKE: Or they disowned her? CROW: Whatever, it looks like she's just a mother now. > Subject: Halloween Do's and DON'T's! TOM: Why do I get the feeling that the "DON'Ts" are gonna win? > Newsgroups: alt.parenting.solutions, alt.mothers, > misc.kids, misc.education, alt.parenting.spanking > Date: 2001-10-11 22:41:57 PST MIKE: [Whispering to CROW] P-S-S-S-T -- pass it on. CROW: Can't I just pass on it, instead? > > > I've been away from you for over a month now, children, and > I can see how desperately you need me. I've asked my > beloved daughter Keesha Love to preach to you in my > absence. CROW: But Keesha was a slacker. > I see you're treating her miserably as usual. > Don't you people have any shame? Don't you realize that > there are untold billions of sinners frying in hell right > now? MIKE: Well, I guess they're TOLD billions, now. > Do you really want to join them in their torment? TOM: [As Hickey] Or spend eternity with ME, instead? MIKE: Wow. Talk about your dillemas. > Wouldn't you rather spend eternity in a sprawling Southern > mansion in the Kingdom of Heaven, a mansion complete with > stately white columns and a reflecting pool on the outside, > plus plush wall-to-wall carpeting and crystal chandeliers > on the inside? CROW: Welcome to "Lifestyles of the Saved and Sanctomonious!" MIKE: Funny. I don't recall Jesus owning a place like that. TOM: She must be talking about His SUMMER home. MIKE: Ah! > How can any of you prefer your own fleshly > lusts for power, money, and fleeting pleasures to the > throne, the crown, the scepter, and the gorgeous red carpet > you'll be awarded in heaven MIKE: Momma Hickey makes Heaven sound like an episode of "Queen for a Day." > if you'll only repent and stop > neglecting your responsibilities as parents, educators, and > proper role models for children? CROW: She didn't mention imprisoned temp agency custodians, so I guess that leaves you out, Mike! MIKE: Thanks a lot, Crow. > > I want to share with you this year's list of Halloween do's > and don'ts. TOM: [As Hickey] As soon as I stop ranting and raving. > Far too many of you do all the wrong things on > this "holiday" and leave your children open to the very > real threat of demonic possession in the process. Not all > terror comes from the Middle East. MIKE: True, there are religious fanatics everywhere. > > The forces of darkness are waging war against your family > at this very moment. CROW: Yeah, those rolling blackouts are a real killer. > Nothing would please Satan more than > to capture your children and corrupt their souls through > the agency of such evils as white sugar, television, > alcohol, drugs, the occult, and that disgusting rock 'n' > rap they listen to. MIKE: You know, I miss the good ole' days when it was just sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll. > If you want to keep your children out > of trouble this fall, you'll pay careful attention to the > following recommendations from your best friend and > children's advocate, Mother Henrietta "Holiness" Hickey. TOM: And with friends like her ... > > 1 > DO illuminate your front porch or doorway on Halloween so > kids won't think you're a lonely, bitter recluse who > doesn't want children to enjoy themselves. CROW: Prove it by your Usenet posts, instead. > Show today's > young people that your light will shine in the darkness of > greed, lust, and hate, inspiring children to draw nigh unto > God and to share His blessings. MIKE: Wow! All that from a 60-watt G.E. buglight! > > 2 > DON'T hand out any sugar-loaded candy or snacks, however. > Kids can easily become addicted to such poisons as Hershey > Bars, KitKats, and Jujyfruits. If you must give the little > trick-or-treaters something to eat, give them wholesome > apples, oranges, or raisins instead. CROW: Yes, parents, you can ALWAYS trust people who hand out fresh, unwrapped fruits. > Children who are > grossly overweight, a sure sign they're being neglected at > home and left alone to raid the cookie jar and worse every > afternoon after school, TOM: Or simply BUY the junk they sell them AT school nowadays. > give them one of those diet > brochures asking them, "Why Are You Fat?" and offering them MIKE: -- an opportunity to kick you in the shins? > three or four sensible diets instead of all the junk food > with which their indulgent parents stuff their puffy > cheeks. CROW: Imagine all the good you'll be doing to their self esteem! > > 3 > DO hand out Gospel tracts explaining to children that > Halloween is fundamentally a Satanic celebration best > avoided by True Christians. TOM: I thought it was basically a pagan celebration originated by-- MIKE: Please don't bother. She's on a roll. TOM: But I don't think that such statements should go unchallenged-- MIKE: We're here to riff, not debate. TOM: But ... can I at least recommend a website? MIKE: [Sighs] Fine. Go ahead. TOM: http://www.historychannel.com/exhibits/halloween/hallowmas.html MIKE: Feel better now? TOM: Yes, actually. > Chick Publications has a wide > variety of 40-page pamphlets addressing this issue. MIKE: Is ANYBODY here surprised that Momma Hickey recommends Chick tracks? [Several seconds of silence and shaking heads ensue.] MIKE: Didn't think so. > Titles > include "Bewitched," "Boo!" "The Poor Little Witch," "The > Trick," and "The Little Ghost." CROW: I guess we aren't talking about Casper there, eh? TOM: Not likely. > All are available in > Spanish in the event you have foreigners in your > neighborhood who refuse to learn proper English or obey our > immigration and traffic laws. MIKE: Not that you don't LOVE such neighbors, of course, just as the Bible says to do. > Hickey Family Holiness > Ministries CROW: Oh my God, she's an organization! > publishes a few titles on the subject also, > among them "The Big Barbecue" and "Satan Lurks in Every > Shadow." TOM: Soon to be a major motion picture starring Max Von Sydow and Alec Baldwin! > Think about inviting children to your church on > Sunday. If you haven't already, work out a program that > will hold their interest. MIKE: Maybe one featuring alcohol, drugs, the occult and rap music. CROW: And white surgar! Don't forget the white sugar! > Every church needs at least one > active youth group. It doesn't matter if the children > belong to another religion. TOM: That can easily be beaten out of them. > If they're celebrating > Halloween, especially by dressing up as something > provocative or strange, MIKE: Like Tammy Faye Bakker? > they can't be all that religious > and need all the spiritual help they can get. CROW: Speaking of people who need all the help they can get ... > > 4 > DON'T let your children dress up as vampires, witches, > werewolves, extraterrestrials or another supernatural > (which is to say demonic) creatures. CROW: So E.T. is demonic? TOM: Now you know why his heartlight had that odd red glow, heh-heh. > Mad scientists and > mass murderers are also out, TOM: Really? Who outted them? MIKE: I always THOUGHT there was something a little odd about that Frank N. Furter guy. > as are all turban-wearing > muftis or mullahs from the Islamic community. CROW: And the cab companies. > This year a > lot of children are dressing up as fireman, policeman, > doctors, and nurses to show their support for those brave > men and women who risked their lives to rescue and revive > victims of the recent terror attacks. They can also dress > up as American heroes like Dred Scott, Martin Luther King, > Jesse Jackson, Phyllis Wheatley, and Harriet Tubman. No > child must be allowed to dress up as a slave, a tramp, a > pimp, or an Elmer Gantry of any race. MIKE: Darn! Those Elmer Gantry costumes have always been such a best seller! > > 5 > DO make sure your children cover up their tender young > flesh on Halloween, no matter how warm it is. CROW: In other words, you can fry 'em now, or God'll fry 'em later. > Boys should > not be allowed to bear their chests or wear skimpy > loincloths. TOM: Well, how about nice, BROAD loincloths-- MIKE: Tom ... TOM: with snug-- MIKE: [A little more urgently] Tom ... TOM: fur lined-- MIKE: TOM! TOM: Huh? What? I must have zoned out there. Where were we? MIKE: Listening to Hickey's rant. TOM: Oh. Thanks a LOT for bringing me back, Mike. > Girls must not be allowed to wear revealing > clothes or to dress like popular media stars. MIKE: I hear you can get imported chadors and burkas from Afghanistan pretty cheap nowadays. CROW: For Halloween? MIKE: No, I figured that Momma Hickey would want to make that the girls' NORMAL dress. > Even the > most upscale neighborhoods are full of child molesters and > other deviates who will lust after any half-dressed child > if given the opportunity. Marilyn Monroe, Madonna, and > even Jennifer Lopez are not proper role models for today's > girls. TOM: That's right. Try Anna Nicole Smith instead. Hook just one ailing old stiff and BAM, you're set for life! > They dress immodestly and tout their sexual > attributes openly and shamelessly. MIKE: And if there's ANYTHING that Momma Hickey embodies, it's modesty. > A few years ago I saw a > girl dressed as that wicked Britney Spears. She actually > had a pair of balloons tucked under her loose-fitting top. CROW: Actually, that's not too far off of how Britney got HER -- uh, looks. > The whole sight was disgraceful and I told the child I > wouldn't give any of my mixed nuts to any little > whore-in-the making. [ALL giggle] > Girls under the age of ten shouldn't > even be allowed to wear lipstick and other serious makeup. TOM: Hum. Mike, if a clown wears lipstick, should it be considered "serious" makeup? MIKE: I think you've stumbled on one of the great paradoxes of life there, pal. > > 5 > DON'T allow boys to dress up like girls or vice versa. > Cross-dressing is an abomination in the eyes of God and > promotes homosexuality. A lot of stage drag queens got > their start when permissive parents allowed them to > cross-dress one Halloween. CROW: Ah, I see Momma Hickey's been doing her research by watching Ed Wood films. > Soon the devil convinces such > children that they really are members of the opposite sex > and begins to cloud their mind with sinister sexual > impulses. Make sure the sex of every child is apparent > from the costume. TOM: So, parents, you might wish to think twice about that Peter Pan outfit. > > 6 > DO consider having a safe and sane Halloween party at your > home instead of MIKE: -- the sort you USUALLY have. > sending your children out into a dark night > full of devil-worshipping flakes and weirdoes. CROW: Make them stay with GOD-worshipping flakes and weirdoes instead! > Homosexuals > are especially active on Halloween night. MIKE: Oh, God, here we go. > Most attend > Black Masses at which they sign the Gay Agenda in their own > blood before pouncing on innocent children. TOM: Wow. Even Jesse Helms never leveled such ignorant and vicious allegations against gays. CROW: Oh, no? Whaddya think "special rights" is a code phrase for? > Many actually > lie down and copulate with the devil or his priests during > these blasphemous occasions. MIKE: Not that there's anything WRONG with that. > Report any evidence of > Satanic worship, which often involves outdoor orgies and > child sacrifice, to the police. CROW: They'll be sure to send over their specialist in such crimes, Sergeant Joe Friday the Thirteenth. TOM: And if the worshipers don't have an outdoor orgy permit with child sacrifice provisions, WATCH OUT! > The parents could get > together too, of course, but should avoid imbibing any of > the devil's potions, elixirs, and brews. CROW: She -- she's not talking about products from Anheiser-Busch, is she? MIKE: I don't THINK so. CROW: Whew! Thank God! > > 7 > DON'T forget to have a short religious service during this > party, at which you give thanks to Almighty God for TOM: -- Halloween falling on a weekday this year so you'll have an excuse to leave early? > His > many blessings. It's a good idea to reclaim the entire > holiday from the pagans by giving it a religious theme, > such as Daniel in the Lion's Den or Esther's Plea on Behalf > of Her People. CROW: Excuse me, but how do you "reclaim" something you never had in the first place? MIKE: Usually through bigger guns or better lawyers. > It's beautiful to see children dressed up > as well-known Biblical characters. Just be sure your > little Samsons and Delilahs don't expose too much skin or > get carried away while enacting their parts. TOM: That's right; if your little Sampson starts slaying your neighbors with a donkey's jawbone, remind him that he should take such things in moderation. > > 8 > DO give your children Gospel tracts to pass out if they go > trick-or-treating. MIKE: The tracts are the "trick" part. > They should be encouraged to report any > and all suspicious activities to you. CROW: Make sure you send them out with good binoculars in case any of the windows they pass are too far away. > If a pervert is seen > trying to lure a child into a "haunted house," his > activities should be reported to the police. Witches who > entice children to drink their hallucinogenic brews must be > exposed as dope pushers and jailed as corrupters of the > young. MIKE: Yeah, it's a vicious progression. First pot, then coke, then eyes of newts ... > > 9 > DON'T forget to inspect every piece of candy that's put in > your child's bag. Satanists hate children and want to > poison or injure them. Discard any candy that shows > evidence of tampering. Get rid of anything that contains > more than two grams of white sugar too. CROW: Home chemistry kits come in useful for such purposes. > Kids don't need > that much stimulation. Cut any fruits into bite-sized > squares. TOM: OH, COME ON! This viciousness against homosexuals has just gone TOO FAR-- MIKE: No no no! She's talking about apples and pears and things! TOM: Oh. Oh, uh... that's okay, then. Ahem. > Witches and warlocks frequently insert pins and > razor blades into the most innocuous-looking sweets. MIKE: So remember, kids. If you go out trick-or-treating this year, you might want to avoid that big dark castle at the edge of the Haunted Forest. CROW: Actually, that's a pretty good idea in general. MIKE: True. > > 10 > DO tell improperly dressed children to go back home and put > some decent clothes on. Explain that children who dress up > like demons or monsters are actually inviting evil forces > to take possession of them. Tell them where they can find > a good exorcist should they fall prey to the devil's > minions. TOM: Or they can just follow the trails of pea soup to his door. > Little ghouls with plastic fangs and blood-like > paint smeared all over their faces should be reminded that CROW: -- they should wash up after dinner? > in many parts of the pagan world people really do eat > corpses. TOM: Ironic. Wasn't that one of the ways that the early Christians were put down, people ignorant of their religion saying they were cannibals that ate the body of their founder? MIKE: You're debating again. TOM: No I'm not! I-- MIKE: Was what you said funny? TOM: Well, not really, but-- MIKE: Were you TRYING to be funny? TOM: Well, I guess not, but-- MIKE: Then don't talk back to the rant unless you're trying to be funny. TOM: [Grumbles, then] You're a tough taskmaster, Mike. MIKE: Hey, comedy is serious business. > Ask them if that's what they want to do when they > grow up. Tell them that if they give in to the devil, they > may lose control of their own minds, bodies, and souls. CROW: Ask them if they want to be to the devil what the computer industry is to Bill Gates. > > 11 > DON'T watch wicked movies unless you're sure the evildoers > get their just deserts in the end. Movies like "Psycho," > which they show around here every Mother's Day, TOM: Sounds like one of her local station's program director's got a *delicious* sense of humor! > are out > because they leave the grinning madman unpunished. Movies > like "Cry Terror," where a rapist is stabbed to death and a > kidnapper electrocuted, are better for young people because > they teach a clear moral message: evil doesn't pay. MIKE: In fact, subject your kids to a steady diet of such films. It'll do them a WORLD of good! > No > ambiguous moral quagmires should be tolerated. CROW: Remember, anything that calls for critical thinking IS the devil's handiwork! > Children > don't need to see a lot of supernatural images in movies > either. TOM: I guess that leaves out "The Ten Commandments." > One movie that shows how witches really behave is CROW: "Sabrina Goes to Rome"? > "Horror Hotel." CROW: Close! > It's not unlike "Psycho" in its way in > that in involves a coven of witches who lure beautiful > girls to a remote hotel where they can sacrifice them to > the devil. TOM: Uuuuuuh -- did I miss that "coven of witches" scene in "Psycho"? MIKE: I guess Hitch must've edited that part. > The saving grace is that all the witches are > burnt to death before the end. CROW: Frankly, I can't think of watching ANYTHING more spiritually edifying. > > 11 > DO call the police if your wicked neighbors insist on > partying till dawn. Remind them that you don't want your > neighborhood to be turned into a hotbed of drunkenness, > revelry, lust, and vice on the devil's special night, and > that you won't stand for infractions of the law. MIKE: So relax, enjoy yourself, and have a good time! CROW: Whatever happened to that "Love thine neighbor as thyself" thingy, again? TOM: That's fine unless he plays his music too loud. In that case, he's toast! > > > Remember, children, Jesus loves all of you, No matter how > sinful you are, CROW: Or judgemental. Or santomonious. Or conceited. MIKE: Or vindictive. Or illogical. TOM: Or ignorant. Or intolerant. CROW: Wow. That Jesus is a swell guy. TOM: He's a jolly good fellow that NOBODY can deny! MIKE: Yeah ... OR ELSE! > > > Mother Henrietta Hickey Fount of Christian Wisdom MIKE: She's a fount of SOMETHING, all right. TOM: Although I'm surprised the plumbing hasn't clogged up yet. CROW: So I guess that's it and we can go now. MIKE: Looks like it. TOM: Man, what a treat! [MIKE picks up TOM and all exit theater.] ...o...2...3...4...5...6...* [SoL. TOM is behind the console, a musical keyboard unit sitting just in front of him. MIKE and CROW enter.] MIKE: Hey, Tom. What're you doing with the keyboard? TOM: Well, Mike, it being Halloween and all, I thought I'd compose a little song to celebrate the season. Would you like to hear it? MIKE: Well, it can't be any worse than Hickey's "advice" column. CROW: You wanna bet? TOM: [Ominously] Croooow ... CROW: [Laughs, then] Hey man, I was just joking. MIKE: Why don't you go ahead and play for us. CROW: Yeah. Play on, McDuff. TOM: Okay. [Clears throat.] [TOM begins "playing" the keyboard. We hear slow, lilting piano music set to the tune of Mel Torme's "A Christmas Song." TOM begins to sing.] TOM: Vampires feasting on a bloody throat Werewolves howling out their woes Ghostly tales being told by a fire And folks dressed up like ... Heaven knows! Every body knows Soaping windows and egging a house Will help to make people uptight Tiny tots with costumes all aglow Will be out begging goodies tonight They know that trick-or-treating is in style They'll be raiding every house for a mile And every child's mother is gonna cry If her kid eats something poisoned and dies And so, I'm offering this simple phrase To kids from one to nine-o-two Just as it's been said despite pans, bans, and stays Happy Halloween ... to you [TOM stops playing and turns to MIKE and CROW.] TOM: Well, guys what do you think? MIKE: Well, I -- uh, I've heard worse. CROW: Yeah, like that LAST song you composed. TOM: [Threatening] Croooow ... [MIKE catches TOM as he lunges toward CROW, and MIKE and CROW laugh.] MIKE: No, really, Tom, it wasn't bad at all. TOM: [Relieved] You think so? CROW: Yeah, buddy, you did okay. This time. [The mads lights begins flashing.] MIKE: [Noticing light] But if you want a REALLY critical opinion ... [To us] Yes, Mother Pearl? [CF. OBSERVER and BOBO are still in the background at the door as before, awaiting their next visitor. PEARL is in the foreground, looking at us.] PEARL: Well, I see you all have come through Ms. Hickey's little parental advise column none the wiser, although it seems to have dulled your sense of musical appreciation. Now, if you're ready for your movie-- [There is a knock at the door -- this time slower and louder than before. PEARL rolls her eyes in irration, refusing to watch the goings-on behind her. OBSERVER opens the door. A lone figure stands there, a figure a few inches over six feet tall, wearing a more realistic Leatherface mask than BOBO's and carrying a real chainsaw.] OBSERVER: [Frozen in horror, gasps] Oh, my! FIGURE: [Deep monotone] Trick... or... treat [BOBO, not yet having seen the visitor, leaps into the doorway.] BOBO: TRICK! [BOBO pushes a button on his toy chainsaw and it makes a chainsaw-like noise. It is then that he finally registers what the visitor looks like. Suddenly the figure rips at a cord on his own chainsaw, and it blares to life, its motor easily drowning out the noise from BOBO's toy. BOBO screams and backs back into the room as OBSERVER slams the door shut. He and BOBO quicky lean against it with their backs as PEARL finally turns around. The chainsaw can still be heard through the door.] PEARL: [Irascibly] WHAT are you two doing NOW? BOBO: Lawgiver! There's a nut with a chainsaw -- a REAL chainsaw -- outside! PEARL: Yeah, right. And you didn't happen to think that maybe somebody might be playing a trick on YOU TWO now, eh? BOBO: Well, no, but-- OBSERVER: But Madam, if you could have SEEM him-- BOBO: And that big saw! I can still hear it! In fact, it seems like it's getting LOUDER -- [Suddenly the tip of the saw pierces the door between BOBO and OBSERVER near the top of the door and starts slowly slicing downward through the wood.] BOBO and OBSERVER: AHHHHHH! OBSERVER: Madam, what do we do?! PEARL: [Gapes at the sight for a moment, then] Uh, well, you two keep him busy here. I'll be RIGHT BACK. [Starts to leave, then turns to us] We'll get to your movie another time, Nelson, so don't think a little interruption like this is going to get you out of anything! [She then takes a final glance back at the now half-sliced door and quickly exits to the side.] BOBO: [To OBSERVER] Well, smart guy, what do YOU think we should do? OBSERVER: [Stammers for a moment, then] Tell him we're loggers? [Fade to black. Roll credits and play closing theme.] 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 | | | Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its associated characters | | and situations are the property of and trademarks of Best | | Brains, Inc. In no way should this MiSTing be construed to | | be an infringement on those rights. All rights reserved. | | Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment | | purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trade- | | marks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred. | | This post is a satire and not intended as a personal attack upon | | the original author(s) or other persons or characters presented, | | and is meant only as entertainment and commentary. | | | |---------------------------------------------------------------------| | | | Please visit "Jim Gadfly's MiSTing Page" for a list of all my | | MiSTings as well as tools and resource links for other MiSTing | | authors. | | http://www.angelfire.com/va/gadfly | | | 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 > The whole sight was disgraceful and I told the child I > wouldn't give any of my mixed nuts to any little > whore-in-the making.