B i l l G a t e s , A n t i - C h r i s t --------------------------------------------- A MiSTing by Jim Gadfly gadfly@angelfire.com Published June 5, 1999 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 [Season 10 opening images and theme.] ...o...2...3...4...5...6...* [Satellite of Love. Bridge. Crow and Tom are behind the console, on top of which sits a computer monitor. Crow is looking at the monitor screen; the monitor's back faces us and it is angled so that Tom, who is off to the side, cannot see its screen either.] CROW: [Reading screen] "668." TOM: Uhhhh -- the neighbor of the Beast? CROW: Bingo! Okay, how about "1010011010"? TOM: That's easy. The binary number of the Beast. You should know better than to ask a robot that. CROW: Good point. How about "656.66"? TOM: Ummmm ... the discount price of the Beast? CROW: Wrong! It's the Wal-Mart price of the Beast! TOM: D'ohh, that's the same thing! CROW: Is not! TOM: Well, it's close enough! CROW: Hummm. Okay, I'll give you half a point. But you owe me when it's my turn! [Mike enters.] MIKE: Hey, guys. What's cooking? CROW: Your eternal soul. MIKE: Huh? CROW: Just joking, Mike. Tom and I were playing "666 Jeopardy." TOM: Yeah, we stumbled across this website-- CROW: [Reading] "http://www.cyberhighway.net/~transnet/humor/lbeast.htm" TOM: Whatever. Anyway, it lists different -- variations -- on the number of the Beast. CROW: I was reading some of the numbers aloud, and Tom was trying to guess what they were. Here, Mike, you try one. "769.95." MIKE: Humm. I'll say ... the price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul? CROW: [Taken aback] Uhhh -- yeah, that's right. How did you-- MIKE: Just a lucky guess. But what got you guys interested in Apocalyptic topics, anyway? CROW: Actually, we were doing a web search for another word, but I misspelled it and wound up with all these hits for "beast"-- TOM: [Clearing throat loudly] AHEM! Anyway, Mike, I'm curious. Do you know why 666, of all numbers, was the one chosen for the Beast? MIKE: Well, there are a lot of different interpretations. But the one I remember is that 6 is the number of man -- I think because God created man on the 6th day -- and 3 or a triad is God's number, so three sixes -- "666" represent a man, the Anti-Christ or "Beast" as the Bible refers to him, trying to make himself God. TOM: Huh. That's impressive recall for a human. CROW: You must've really paid attention back in Sunday School. MIKE: To be honest I got most of this from a book I read back when I was growing up. It was called _The Late Great Planet Earth_ by Hal Lindsey. It dealt with Bible prophesies of the end times and how some people then thought they were being fulfilled by events of the day, and it talked a lot about the Anti-Christ. It was pretty popular. TOM: So did they make it into a movie? MIKE: Actually, yeah, they did. They got Orson Welles to provide this ominous narration and had a lot of stock footage of missiles and bombs and atomic explosions and stuff. CROW: Was it any good? MIKE: Well, it's about the same level of some of the films Pearl's sent us. CROW: Oh. That bad, huh? [The mads light begins flashing.] MIKE: Ah, speaking about unholy Trinities. [Hits the light] Good morning, Mrs. F! Or, good evening, or whatever time it is down there at the castle. TOM: [Whispers to Crow] I guess you could call it "Grinch mean time." CROW: [Whispering back] "Or mean Grinch time." [Crow and Tom begin to chuckle and Mike quickly shushes them.] [Castle Forrester. Great Hall. Pearl, flanked by Observer and Bobo, stands in the foreground. They are looking at us and frowning.] PEARL: I heard that, you little droidlings. [Smiles] And guess what? Since I had our interface set on webcam mode, we heard what you were saying about this little cinematic blast from Mike's late great past. And since I am *so* into nostalgia, well, this will be my treat. Brain Guy? OBSERVER: Yes, madam? PEARL: I want you to go out and dig up this Orson Welles classic. OBSERVER: Very well, madam. BOBO: What about me, Lawgiver? Where should I go? [Pearl looks at Bobo, opens her mouth, pauses for a moment, then closes it and shakes her head.] PEARL: No, too easy. Here. [Reaches down, picks up a clean shovel and hands it to Bobo] You go out and dig up Orson Welles. BOBO: [Excitedly] Yes, Lawgiver! [Takes shovel and exits.] [Observer begins to exit also, but Pearl grabs his cloak.] PEARL: Just a sec, Brain Drain. [To us] Mike, to get you and your friends into the appropriate mood, I'd like to warm you up with a little hellfire alert from Usenet posted by a concerned soul that wishes to warn the world that Bill Gates is the Anti-Christ. And this guy's domain isn't even Netscape.com! Brain Guy? OBSERVER: Yes, madam? PEARL: Deep 6-6-6 'em. OBSERVER: Very well, madam. [Looks at us and jerks head about as "brain noise" plays.] PEARL: Good. Since that's done, go out and find that tale of the Apocalypse -- NOW! OBSERVER: Yes, madam! [Quickly exits.] [SoL. Alarms blare and light flash.] ALL: AHHHHH! WE'VE GOT USENET SIGN! *...6...5...4...3...2...o... [Theater. Mike enters, carrying Tom, followed by Crow. They take their usual seats.] TOM: Nice going, Mike. You not only got us another movie, now we have to sit through this posting, too. MIKE: Hey! You were the one who started asking if they made a movie from the book-- CROW: Knock it off, you two! Casting blame isn't going to buy us anything now. Let's just hunker down and try to endure this posting that you two caused us to have to read. MIKE & TOM: Hey! [The post begins rolling.] > Subject: Bill Gates (MicroSoft) Is Not The Anti-Christ, > But His Fore Runner MIKE: But I thought Pearl said this guy claimed Gates WAS the Anti-Christ. TOM: And what does he mean by "His Fore Runner", anyway? Does he chase the Beast's stray golf shots, or what? > Author: eloi.7 CROW: Poor eloi 7. Maybe someday he'll get lucky. > Date: 1998/10/07 TOM: Note that if you take the month, 10, subtract the day, 7, and divide the year, 1998, by the difference, you get 666. Coincidence? *You* decide. MIKE: Nice numerology, Tom. TOM: Thanks. > Forum: alt.destroy.microsoft CROW: *The* newsgroup to visit for pleasant, objective, professional discussions about Microsoft and their products. > >------------------------------------------------------------------------ > > > THIS IS REALLY SPOKY TOM: It always keeps me guessing. I never seem to know what it is thinking. > > . . THIS IS FOR REAL!!!! . MIKE: Unlike the author. > Bill Gates is the Anti- > Christ CROW: Hey, I thought that in the subject he said Gates was NOT the Anti-Christ! TOM: [As movie announcer] Yes, Bill Gates IS the Anti-Christ in _Omen 2000: The Gates of Hell_. > Since we're all using MICROSOFT products here, TOM: I think that just sent UNIX, LINUX and OS/2 readers into laughing hysterics. CROW: And don't forget Apple. MIKE: Well, actually, Apple did make that alliance with Microsoft a year or two ago where Gates bought something like $150 million of Apple stock. TOM: And a bit of their soul, no doubt. CROW: Oh, dear. Forget Orson Welles; it sounds like it's time to exhume Daniel Webster. > I > thought I'd just let you know these facts... Do you know > that Bill gates' REAL name is William Henry Gates III? CROW: Really? Well, give 'em hell, Henry! > Nowadays, he is known as Bill Gates (III) MIKE: [As product announcer] Introducing new Bill Gates release three! With three times the computing power! TOM: At three times the cost! CROW: With three times the bugs! > where III means > the order of third (3rd). TOM: Good grief, he makes it sound like a Masonic title. MIKE: Tom, I have a feeling you don't want to start in on Masons with this guy. > So, what's so eerie about this > name? CROW: You mean aside from the eerie way it sends shivers running up the spines of Microsoft competitors? > OK, if you take all the letters in Bill Gates III > and then convert it in ASCII code (American standard code > for information interchange) MIKE: Then shouldn't it be "ASCFII"? TOM: Naaah, sounds like you're lisfing. > and then ADD up all the > numbers...you will get 666, which is the number of the > beast!!! B-66 I-73 L-76 L-76 G-71 A-65 T-84 E-69 S- > 83 I-1 I-1 I-1 = 666 !!!! CROW: Wait a minute, first he says that I=73, then later he says that I=1. TOM: No, what he did was add the ASCII codes for "BILLGATES" to get 663, then added the 3 to make it 666. MIKE: But if we're going to be so formal as to include the 3 shouldn't he have done "WILLIAM" and not "BILL"? TOM: Noooo, because then it wouldn't have added up to 666. Get with the program, Mike! > Coincidence? Maybe, but > take WINDOWS 95 and do the SAME procedure and you will > get 666 too !!! And the same goes for MS-DOS 6.21!!! Are > you sure this is not a Coincidence? MIKE: Yes, I am sure this is not a coincidence. Wait, no, I mean no, I am not sure this is not a coincidence. I mean -- ah, the heck with it. > You decide.... MS- > DOS 6.21 -77+83+45+68+79+83+32+ 54+46+50+49 = 666 CROW: Hey, he counted the space -- see the "32" code! And he counted the numbers as ASCII characters and not as digits like the "3" from Gate's name. TOM: That's so it would come out to 666. CROW: But that's not consistent with the Gates calculation. TOM: So? > WINDOWS > 95 -87+73+78+68+79+87+ 83+57+53+1= 666 CROW: And now he excluded the space again. And where did that "1" come from at the end? MIKE: Let me guess, the first release of Windows 95? TOM: That sounds about right. CROW: But Windows 95 is getting to be old technology. What about Windows 98? TOM: They're working on it, they're working on it. > Okay now for the > good part!!!!!! MIKE: Yeah, enough Stupid Calculator Tricks! > For those of you who still have the OLD > Excel 95 (not office 97) Try this out: TOM: Log onto ebay.com and bid for a cheap upgrade package. > 1. Open a new > file. CROW: This in itself is an accomplishment in many Windows programs. > 2. Scroll down until you see row 95. MIKE: [As Professor from _The Mole People_] Yes, scroll DOWN, DOWN into the document -- > 3. Click on > the row 95 button, this highlights the whole row TOM: So we've just highlighted a whole bunch of nothing. CROW: Kinda like most of today's movie trailers. > 4. Press > tab, CROW: or Pepsi One -- > to move to the second column. 5. Now, move your > mouse and click on help THEN about Microsoft excel 6. > Press ctrl-alt-shift and click on the tech support button > simultaneously. MIKE: Jeez, hold three keys down and work the mouse simultaneously. You almost need to be a pianist to keep up with this guy. > 7. A WINDOW WILL APPEAR, TITLE : THE HALL > OF TORTURED SOULS. TOM: These are people who have developed Carpal Tunnel Syndrome trying to follow along with these instructions. > This is really eerie okay...it has a > doom style format CROW: Wait a minute, don't a lot of people regard Doom as somehow satanic? How come this guy knows so much about its format? ALL: Hummmmmmm. > and you can walk all around the hall > (use your arrow keys) MIKE: Oh, thanks for the parenthetical clarification. Otherwise I would have gotten dirty footprints all over my monitor. > ...and on the sides of the walls are > the names of the tortured souls.... TOM: You know, I haven't seen it, but I'll go out on a limb and guess these are the names of a the Excel 95 developers. MIKE: [As 1960's "Batman" TV show narrator] What's this!? An eerie Easter Egg planted by prankster programmers to claim clandestine credit? CROW: "Easter Egg"? MIKE: Yeah. That's what they call such cute little "undocumented features." I've heard Excel 97 has one in the form of a flight sim with programmer credits written on monoliths. CROW: Still, it seems kinda weird. Eloi 7 may have a point. TOM: Oh, Come on, Crow! Let's apply Occam's razor here. What's more likely; that this is a prank by egotistical Microsoft programmers with too much time -- not to mention money -- on their hands, or that it is a supernatural clue that the company CEO is in fact the Anti-Christ? CROW: Hummm. When you put it that way, it does simplify things. TOM: Ah, good. CROW: Yep. Eloi 7 has unmasked the Beast! TOM & MIKE: WHAT!? TOM: Criminy, Mike, this is odd even for Crow. Check him out. MIKE: Oh -- okay... [Leans over and fiddles with Crow's head.] CROW: HEY! -- OW! -- WATCH IT! -- MIKE: There. [Sits back in his seat] Feel better now, Crow? CROW: Hey, yeah! Thanks, Mike! TOM: What was wrong with him? MIKE: He just had a screw loose. CROW: I'm sorry, I think I've got amnesia from the last few seconds. Did I say anything really stupid? MIKE: Hummm -- not much more than normal. CROW: Well, I'm glad to hear -- hey! > 8. NOW WALK UP THE > STAIRS AND THEN COME BACK DOWN, CROW: Then put your right foot in, then put your right foot out -- > FACE THE BLANK WALL AND > THEN TYPE IN EXCELKFA. This will open the blank wall to > reveal another Secret passage, MIKE: What, this guy just *stumble* across all this stuff? TOM: I don't know, but I want him as my partner the next time we play team D&D. > walk through the passage > and DO NOT fall off (this is the hard part!), TOM: Translation: This guy has the hand-eye coordination of Gerald Ford. > when you get > to the end, you will see something really eerie.... CROW: What? > At > this point of time, countless witnesses all over the world MIKE: Translation: A few geeks on Usenet. > have verified that it is a real eye opener. TOM: You mean like in _A Clockwork Orange_? CROW: But just what *is* it that he's talking about? MIKE: I guess you'll just have to go out and find one of those "countless witnesses" and ask. TOM: Or go buy an old copy of Excel 95. CROW: Oh, great. It wouldn't surprise me if this whole thing is a plant by some guy trying to *unload* old copies of Excel 95. MIKE: Hey, Crow, that's not a bad idea! TOM: Have you considered working for Microsoft's Marketing division? > It could be a > joke by MS programmers or is it?...... TOM: Or ... IS IT? BwaaAAA-HA-HA-HA-HAAA! > Wouldn't be > surprise if Bill Gates was "The Antichrist", CROW: [As author] Despite my subject line -- > after all it > was already foretold in the Bible that someone powerful > would rise up and lead the world to destruction. MIKE: And since it looks like President Clinton's term may end just short of him reaching that goal -- > And Bill > Gates definitely have that kind of power in his hands. TOM: Windows: The Hands of Gates. > More than 80% of the world's computers run on Windows and > DOS (including those at Pentagon!) CROW: And did you notice that a pentagon is at the center of a pentagram? And that if you connect the internal angles of a pentagon, you get a pentagram? And -- I'm just guessing here, mind you -- I'd bet that eloi 7 here would regard that as an occult tie-in. MIKE: Wow, nice catch there, Crow. TOM: I wonder why the author himself didn't catch that. MIKE: Probably too busy with his calculator and playing Doom. TOM: Or maybe he thought it would be self-evident? CROW: Tom, this guy bothered to spell out what "ASCII" stood for. TOM: Good point. > If all his products > have some kind of small program embedded (like this Hall > of Tortured Souls) TOM: Then imagine all the tax dollars being wasted in disk storage for these useless features! It's horrifying! > that can give him control, setting off > nuclear arsenals, creating havoc in security systems, > financial systems all over the world, etc...... MIKE: Jeez, talk about Revenge of the Nerds! > All from > his headquarters isn't a far of reality! CROW: Depending on your definition of "reality." > Just using > Internet. MIKE: [As Bill Gates] Let's play Global Thermonuclear War. CROW: [Automatonic voice] Wouldn't you prefer a good game of chess? MIKE: Later. Let's play Global Thermonuclear War. CROW: Fine. > Explorer may just allow him to map out what you > have on your computer bit by bit each time you log on. TOM: Don't be silly. That's what the online registration program is for! > Perhaps the end times are near and this is just a tip of > the iceberg!? CROW: Oh, great, another _Titanic_ fan. > Quote from the Bible: "He also forced > everyone, small and great, rich and poor, free and slave, MIKE: To read wildly speculative Usenet posts -- > to receive a mark on his right hand or on his forehead, so > that no one could buy or sell unless he had the mark, TOM: For the Haunted One won't take American Express -- > which is the name of the beast or the number of his name. > This calls for wisdom. CROW: Call for wisdom! Call for wisdom! > If anyone Has insight, let him > calculate the number of the beast, for it is man's number. MIKE: Oh, man, he's got our number. > His number is 666."...Revelations 13:16-18. See.... It > is something for you to think about.... TOM: [As Winnie-the-Pooh] Think...think...think... > if the Bible, in > the Book of Revelation says that without the sign of the > beast one would not be able to buy, sell, do business > transactions, etc. then. My question to you know is > this..... Is Internet now a necessity in doing business? CROW: Uh, well, it sure as heck helps. MIKE: I just wish it were as helpful in combining sentence fragments in Usenet posts. > The Internet also bears the sign... Note that the Internet > is also commonly known as the World Wide Web or WWW... > One other way we write W is V/(VI) TOM: Excuse me ... WHAT? CROW: Oh, sure, I use "VI" instead of "W" all the time. Watch: "VIhy Do VIe Read VIeird VIritings?" MIKE: Why am I suddenly reminded of Bela Lugosi? > so ...... W W W -VI VI > VI = 6 6 6. MIKE: Ohhhh, now I understand -- HUH? TOM: Actually, I saw something like this somewhere else, but they claimed that "W" was like the sixth letter of the Hebrew alphabet and so "WWW" equaled "666." CROW: Oh, of course, that makes *much* more sense. > This gives me something to ponder upon... TOM: Crow, are you pondering what I'm pondering? CROW: I think so, Tom, but how can you "really just relax" if you never "laxed" in the first place? > Isn't everything going Towards the Internet? (i.e., > buying/selling goods, business transactions) CROW: True, the Internet *is* becoming the great black hole of modern commerce and culture. > Isn't > Microsoft always on the move to have a monopoly when it > comes to software technology? And now the Internet? MIKE: Microsoft? Monopoly? Nooooo -- they're just a good, tough competitor whose success is achieved by old- fashioned business acumen who would never *dream* of using any tactics that could *possibly* be construed as lacking in integrity or ethics. TOM: Uh-huh. You're still waiting to hear back from Microsoft from that job application you sent in, aren't you? MIKE: Well, yeah, how'd you guess? > Revelation also says that the mark of the beast will be > carried on one's Hand and one's forehead..... If the > Internet would indeed be the sign of the beast aren't we > all starting to carry it on our hands and foreheads??? > Screens (forehead) and make use of the mouse (hand)??? CROW: Oh, come on, that'd be a stretch for Reed Richards. > Are > things finally falling into place or are we just letting > our imagination run??? TOM: Given that choice, I'd have to opt that "our imagination" has developed a case of the runs. > Remember, the devil came to cheat, > steal, and to destroy....... MIKE: Fortunately, he lost a lot of his confidence when Johnny beat him in that fiddling contest. > so be VIGILANT about Bill > Gates and Microsoft. CROW: Hummm, Mike, if we're being VIGILANT about Gates, does that make him a VIGILANT-EE? MIKE: Now *that's* a scary thought. > > ONLY THE TRUE GOD CAN STOP BILL GATES, AND JESUS WILL TOM: Yes, Netscape's prayers WILL be answered! CROW: But you know, that might explain how Sun Microsystems got its name. Get it? Jesus -- the "Sun" of-- MIKE & TOM: [As if in pain] O-h-h-h-h-- TOM: That was *really* bad, Crow. CROW: I'm sorry. I guess I shouldn't have been watching that old Star Trek episode about the 20th century Roman Empire and the sun worshipers earlier. MIKE: Anyway, I think one of *our* prayers has been answered. CROW: How's that? MIKE: We can leave the theater now. TOM: Thank Heaven! [Mike picks up Tom and they exit theater.] ...o...2...3...4...5...6...* [SoL. Bridge. Tom and Crow are working on the computer that sits on the console. Mike enters.] MIKE: Hey guys. What're you doing now? CROW: Hi Mike. We've found this computer program which allows you to enter a name and it gives back the sum of its ASCII characters. TOM: Yeah. For example, did you know that the sum for "al gore" is 666? Think that's significant? After all, he *did* invent the VIorld VIide VIeb, didn't he? CROW: Aha! Clever of the Beast to disguise his charisma behind that inept and disarmingly wooden exterior. TOM: You know who'd be even more disarming? Dan Quayle. Unfortunately, "DANQUYALE" adds up to 676. CROW: Well -- maybe his arithmetic is only as good as his spelling and he has the same problem with his tens column as he does with his "e"'s. TOM: Hey, yeah! Maybe that whole dumb thing is just an act and the "potatoe" incident was just dropping a clue for those who are *really* wise! TOM & CROW: Hummmmmmmmm... MIKE: Come on, wise guys. People have been playing with different numbering systems to "prove" different people were the Anti-Christ for centuries, from Nero to the Popes to Napoleon to Hitler to Gorbachev and lots in between. This ASCII thing is just the latest gimmick. TOM: Yeah. I wonder if eloi 7 would be surprised to learn that the ASCII codes for "HOLYBIBLE" total 666. CROW: Oh, and Mike, speaking of alternate numbering systems, just the other day I was reading another Usenet post where someone "proved" that Barney the Dinosaur was the Anti-Christ. MIKE: Really? How did they do that -- although now that you bring it up it *does* make a lot of sense. CROW: Okay, Barney is a "CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR", right? MIKE: Well, I guess -- CROW: So you convert the "U"'s to "V"'s, since the ancient Romans had no "U"'s in their alphabet -- TOM: Ancient Romans? Why are you -- CROW: And that gives you "CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR". Okay, now you extract the letters that are also Roman numerals, CVVLDIV, add them up, and you get 666! MIKE: Oh, come on. That's worse than any of eloi 7's calculations. TOM: Yeah. Heck, going back to the ASCII thing, I could take the codes for "C.T. ROBOT" and get 665. Now, Crow, are you the first C.T. Robot ever made? CROW: Of course! TOM: There you have it. He's C.T. Robot the first, so we add 1 and get 666. And so, although many have suggested it, we've now *proven* Crow is the Anti-Christ! MIKE: Well, I guess that would help explain why he occasionally feels compelled to make such horny riffs. CROW: Hey! TOM: Or, we can drop back to lower case and we have an even better candidate. MIKE: Who's that? TOM: "pearl f". MIKE & CROW: [Nodding in agreement] Ahhhhh. CROW: Now *that's* what you call a revelation. MIKE: But not totally unexpected. TOM: Amen to that. [The mads light begins flashing.] MIKE: Hey, speak of the devil. [Hits light] Hello, Mrs. F. How're you and the Beastly Boys doing? [CF. Great Hall. Pearl is standing by herself facing us.] PEARL: Very cute, guys. Like I'm supposed to be impressed by a little nitwit numerology. I just wish I *did* have some supernatural connections, so I wouldn't be standing here wondering when Pale Rider will be back with that -- [Pearl stops talking and stares off to her left, on her face a look of incredulity. A moment later Bobo enters from that side, carrying the shovel (now dirty), and followed by a man in a dark suit but with bare feet and covered by dust from head to toe. He is looking about him at the castle surroundings with awe.] BOBO: I'm sorry, Lawgiver. I tried to dig up Orson Welles, but the security guards wouldn't let me. After they beat me up I asked if they new of any other famous movie people who made films with ominous-sounding narrators and lots of stock footage, and they told me about this guy. I found his gravesite and was able to spirit him away without being detected. Anyway, Lawgiver, meet Ed Wood. PEARL: Ed Wood!? THE Ed Wood!? ED: [Suddenly focusing on Pearl] Why, yes! You've heard of me? PEARL: [Shaking Ed's hand] HEARD of you!? You're a LEGEND around here! ED: [Delighted] I can't tell you how much hearing that from someone means to me! I'm sorry, your name was -- PEARL: Pearl. Pearl Forrester. And this is my ancestral castle. ED: [Looking about him again] Wow! This would make such a *great* location for a movie! [Observer enters from the other side of the picture, carrying a film case in his right hand and his brain tray in his left.] OBSERVER: Well, madam I was able to find -- [Notices Ed] Good heavens! Who is this? BOBO: This is Ed Wood, the famous director! ED: [Raising an index finger] AND producer, AND writer, AND actor -- BOBO: Of course, sorry. Anyway, I dug him up and brought him back to life. OBSERVER: WHAT!? You RE-ANIMATED him!? BOBO: [Chuckles and nudges Ed] Ho-ho! He thinks he's so smart, and he can't even tell the difference between live action and cartoons! OBSERVER: No, I meant -- how could *you* have the technology -- BOBO: Well, me and other members of my "stupid" species revived the Lawgiver, didn't we? PEARL: That *is* true -- I knew there was *something* useful I kept him around for. But anyway, Ed, this is Brain Guy. OBSERVER: Actually, I prefer "Observer" -- [Moves to take Ed's outstretched hand but realizes that both of his are full. He holds the film case out to Pearl and addresses her] Er, Madam, here is that Orson Welles film you had me retrieve -- where would you like me to put it? [Pearl opens her mouth, pauses for a moment, then shuts it and shakes her head.] PEARL: You guys are so gullible it's not even fun to exploit you. Here. [She takes the film case from Observer's hand] With Ed here around, who needs some stupid Orson Welles film! [She tosses the can off-camera, where we hear it clatter to the floor.] ED: [Staring at Pearl, aghast] You -- you prefer me over -- over ORSON WELLES? PEARL: Of course! You're just the type of movie maker we're looking for! Work for me, Ed. I may not pay a whole lot -- BOBO & OBSERVER: [Mumbling] You can say *that* again. PEARL: [To Bobo & Observer] SHUTTUP! [Back to Ed] But you'll have full artistic control to do -- that magic that you do. Of course, you don't mind granting me full rights to show any films you make from here on as many times as I like to as many people as I like, do you? ED: [Overcome] Oh, of course not! If you only knew how long I've waited for appreciation like -- [Lowers his head on Pearl's shoulder and starts weeping.] PEARL: [Patting Ed's back] There, there, now -- [Turns and whispers to Observer] We're on our way! We'll have the will of viewers around the world broken in no time! [To us] Oh, and Nelson. Prepare yourself for some *very* special world premiers! [Pearl begins laughing. Then Observer, taking his cue, joins her. Then Bobo, a few moments later, joins them. After several more seconds Ed lifts his head off of Pearl's shoulder, no longer weeping. The laughter abruptly stops and they look at Ed expectantly.] ED: [Feeling the fabric of Pearl's blouse where he had been resting his head] Do you have anything in angora? [Fade out. Roll credits and play closing theme.] 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 | | | Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its associated characters | | and situations are the property of and trademarks of Best | | Brains, Inc. In no way should this MiSTing be construed to | | be an infringement on those rights. All rights reserved. | | Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment | | purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trade- | | marks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred. | | This post is a satire and not intended as a personal attack upon | | the original author(s) or other persons or characters presented, | | and is meant only as entertainment and commentary. | | | 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 8======8 > One other way we write W is V/(VI) so ...... W W W -VI VI > VI = 6 6 6.