Afraid to Answer

by Absinthe
Disclaimer: These characters belong to Fox or something, the upshot of which is that they aren't mine.

This story takes place sometime after the "brain drill/Mulder's repressed memories get reclaimed by the pshyco shrink" episode, and before the cure for Scully's tumor is found.
Mulder woke up in unfamiliar surroundings. To be exact, he woke up on Scully's sofa with his body pressed tightly against his partner's, unable to move without waking her. He lay quietly, but he was uncertain as to the implications of what they'd done. *Have I gone too far?* *Have WE gone too far?* Mulder's concerns about Scully's trustworthiness ran rampant in the early morning sunlight. Was she one of THEM? Was this last act of physical surrender too much? He had once said that he couldn't trust in himself anymore, only in her.... Was that still true? Was he being paranoid? But it was tooo early, too cozy for such thoughts to survive for long. He snuggled against Scully's warm body.

Several minutes later, The readhead stirred and started to disentangle herself.

"Mulder?" She gripped his shoulder trying to rouse him,"Mulder, gotta get up hmm." She interrupted herself with a yawn. "Go to work."

Her sleepy eyed partner sat up. Now that he was no longer comfortably ensconced, his thoughts turned dangerous again as his skin temperature turned cool.

Scully was behind the sofa, stretching. She turned, met his gaze, and froze. She stared at Mulder across the back of the sofa. This had happened before, this stupid look. In another time, in another place. Scully wanted to smile at him, to say good morning, but the grin died on her face. He was giving her the Mulder Sad Eyes(tm) look that she knew so well.

"Mulder??"She suddenly became acutely aware of her state of undress."What is it?" Scully knew that things had changed, that they would never be the same again, and was prepared for it. But what of her partner? Then she saw it in his grey eyes; doubt.

"You still think you can't trust me. That's it isn't it."

"Scully....you've kept things from me." It was almost a groan.

"So WHAT? When have you ever told me everything? You know everything about me now, EVERYTHING!" She turned away from her new lover briefly. "How can you even think that? You once said... You once said that I was the only one you could trust."

"Scully, you know how important the truth is to me. You've said it yourself," His normally gentle voice edged towards a shout, "It's not enough, it's not-"

"My life?" Scully shook her head, "No, not anymore!"

"Its just that-"

"You don't trust me! That's all it is. Well get over it Mulder, get over your childish paranoia. We've been to hell and back together so don't tell me that I'M NOT WORTHY OF YOUR TRUST!"

"Scully-"

"I'm not finished." She growled, waiting for him to close his mouth. Mulder held up his big hands.

"I know you don't trust me completely...You proved as much on your little trip to Grace land. AND when you were drugged... Are you still concerned with my little notes?" Scully circled around the sofa to stand only a foot away from Mulder. She was as beautiful nude as she was clad in her dark, well tailored suits.

"Well here I am Mulder." She raised her arms out from her sides. "What you see is what you get, no puppet strings attached. If you don't believe that, then you haven't learned anything from or about me in all the time we've worked together." Mulder's eyes fixed on hers; he was trying to ignore everything below her shoulders.

"I-I'm sorry." He stammered pathetically. Scully sighed, let her arms drop to her sides, and wondered where this sudden flood of courage had come from. Scully reached for her clothes before padding off to shower and dress, leaving Mulder befuddled in his black satin boxers.

Mulder watched her leave before slapping himself soundly on the forehead. He paced idly for a moment. What are you thinking? How could you tell her that??? Now of all times?! He silently berated himself. He turned to gaze longingly at the bathroom doorand listened to Scully turn on the tub faucet. Indecisively he started to pull on his Armani suit. He hadn't felt this truly lost in quite a while. Not even after the memory reclamation therapy. At least that had been somewhat familiar territory..his element, Hell, those had been his own memories he'd been contending with. Scully... Scully was Scully. A different matter entirely.

Mulder sat down hard on the floor, a sudden and strange thought entering his mind. It didn't matter. After she was gone... No, he didn't want to think that far ahead. Mulder glanced at the door again. Carpe Diem and all that. He trotted to it and tried the knob. It wasn't locked. He slipped into the bathroom, closing the door behind him to hold in the steam.

"Scully?" He shouted over the noise of the water.

"What is it Mulder?!" Scully snapped through the beige shower curtain.

"I'm sorry I questioned your loyalties... Especially after four eventful years..." Mulder tried to be sincere sounding, but its hard to sound remorseful when you're shouting...

She still didn't respond.

"What else do you want me to say?" Scully parted the shower curtain a bit, just enough to let him see a tantalizing sliver of the inside of the tub.

"Well? Are you coming or what?" She demanded. Mulder grinned, struggling out of what clothes he had put back on and happily climbed in behind the dripping woman. Her hair was piled on her head, coated in milky conditioner.

"I want to wash your hair." She stated simply, using his shoulders to turn him around. He couldn't find it in himself to object to her florally scented shampoo. He surrendered to Scully's ministrations. She had to stand on tiptoe to gently lather his hair, watching from the side as his eyes slid contendedly.

Later, standing behind Scully to rinse her hair, Mulder gently traced the circle of her tattoo. Ironic that she should bear the symbol of eternity He thought. It seemed he stood there forever, the hot water running down his body, his attention focused only on that tattoo. Sensing the taciturn shift of his mood, Scully wrapped her arms around her tall partner and leaned her head on his chest.

"Scully?" His voice betrayed him. "Why did you get it?"

She considered her response carefully, buying time by pulling herself and her partner out of the shower. As they were both getting dressed Scully noticed that Mulder had forgotten to shave.

"I got it because I liked it." She finally answered in the car on their way work. "And because it was a rebellion against.." She couldn't finish that sentence. It was one thing to tell a relative stranger about the nature of her mental states, but she couldn't similarly enlighten Mulder.

"Against what?" He (of course) pressed.

"I don't know Mulder, it was just a rebellion..."

"Aren't you a little old to be a teenager?"

"Aren't you?" Mulder colored a bit, she had a point. It had been a long time since he'd made out on a sofa. A long time since he'd made out at all anyway.

"Ok, you win."
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Email: absinthe@earthling.net