Once old man was sitting in the park reading book "learn Java in 21 days"
A passer by saw him and asked "U are such an old guy, why do you
bother to learn Java?"
"I have heard that communication language at heaven is Java so after my death
when I will be in heaven, I don't want to face communication
problem." old man replied.
" But how come are U so sure that U will be in heaven? It could be a hell
also." he asked.
"Ya, doesn't matter .... I already know COBOL" .
An English princess
with an Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French tunnel
driving a German car
with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian driver,
who was high on Scottish whiskey,
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
treated by an American doctor,
using Brazilian medicines ...
Talking To God
A man was taking it easy, laying on the grass and
looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided
to talk to God.
"God", he said, "how long is a million years?"
God answered, "In my frame of reference, it's
about a minute."
The man asked, "God, how much is a million
God answered, "To me, it's a penny."
The man then asked, "God, can I have a penny?"
God answered, "In a minute."
A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to
take his order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the
"Chili," she says, "but the gentleman next to you got the
The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes
to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him
was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten.
"Are you going to eat your chili?" he asked.
"No, help yourself," replied his neighbor.
The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the
chili. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the
body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he
puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl.
The man sitting next to him says, "Yeah, that's as far as I
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot.
The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and
says, "the parrot on the left costs 500 dollars".
"Why does the parrot
so much," asks the man.
The shop owner says, "well, the parrot knows how to use a computer".
The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs
dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it
how to use the UNIX operating system.
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to
told that it costs 2,000 dollars.
Needless to say this begs the question, "What can it do?"
To which the shop owner replies, "To be honest I have never seen it do
thing, but the other two call him Boss!
A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blonde escape a burning building by
climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding
a blanket for them to jump in. The firemen yell to the Brunette,
"Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" The Brunette
jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away. The Brunette
slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.
"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!" say the firemen to the Redhead.
"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead.
"No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!"
"OK," says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank
the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like
a pancake. Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof.
Again, the firemen yell, "Jump! You have to jump!"
"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the
"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"
"Look," the Blonde says. "Nothing you say is gonna convince me
that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you
to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it..."
GOD created the DONKEY and told him "You
will work tirelessly from dawn to dusk, you will not have any
intelligence but will live for
50 years. You will be a DONKEY!!!!"
The DONKEY replied "Living for 50 yrs is
too much, give me only 20 yrs".
And GOD gave him 20 yrs.
God created DOG and told him "You will
look after man's house, you
will be his best friend, you will eat
whatever he gives you and
live for 25 yrs. You will be a DOG!!!!"
The DOG answered "GOD, living for 25 yrs
is too much, give me only
10 yrs". And GOD gave him 10 yrs.
GOD created MONKEY and told him "You
will jump from branch to
branch and you will do silly things, You
will be amusing and will
live for 20 yrs. You will be a MONKEY!!!!"
The MONKEY replied "GOD, living twenty
years is too much, give me
only 10 yrs." And GOD agreed......
Finally GOD created MAN and said "You
will be a MAN, the only rational being on this earth. You
use your intelligence to
control other animals and dominate the
world. You will live for 20 yrs".
YOU answered "GOD, I will be a MAN, but
living for 20 yrs is not enough.
Why don't you give me the 30 yrs that
the DONKEY refused, the 15
years that the DOG didn't want and the
10 yrs that the MONKEY refused?"
That was what GOD did and since then,
YOU live for 20 yrs like a MAN, then get married, and spend
next 30 yrs like a DONKEY,
working and carrying the load on
your back. Then when your
children leave you, you spend 15
like a DOG looking after
the house and eating whatever is
to you, then you get old,
retire and spend the next 10 years a
MONKEY, jumping from house to
house or children to children,
silly things to amuse your
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was
speeding down Main Street.
"But officer!" the man began, "I don't have time for this
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you
cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But officer, I just wanted to say ..."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later, the officer looked in on his prisoner and
said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's
wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm
Two men get into a terrible car accident. Both cars are
totaled, but amazingly, neither man is hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, one man says to the other
"There's nothing left of our cars, but at least we weren't
injured. This must be a sign from god that we were meant to
meet, be friends, and live together in peace the rest of our
The other man replies, "I totally agree with you. This must be
a sign from God."
"And look at this," continues the first man, "It's another
miracle. My car was completely destroyed but this bottle of
wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink the wine to
celebrate our good fortune!"
He hands the bottle to the other man, who promptly takes a few
big gulps and hands the bottle back. The man takes the bottle
and immediately puts the cap back on.
The other man asks, "Aren't you going to have a drink?"
"No, I think I'll wait for the police to join us," the man
Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local
railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What
would you do if you realized that two trains were heading
towards each other on the same track?"
Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track."
"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.
"Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down
there," answers Tom.
"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the
"Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone
to call the next signal box."
"What if the phone was busy?"
"In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and
use the public phone near the station."
"What if that had been vandalized?"
"Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and
get my Uncle Leo.
This puzzled the inspector, so he asked "Why would you do
"Because he's never seen a train crash."
HEAVEN & HELL
Heaven is when you have
1. An american Salary
2. Chinese Food
3. A British Home
4. An Indian Wife
Hell is when you have
1. An american wife
2. A chinese Home
3. British Food
4. An Indian Salary
After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation.
are all asked the same question: "When you are in your casket, and
and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say
The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that
was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful
and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of
The last guy thinks a minute and replies, "I guess I'd like to hear
say, 'Look, he's moving!"
I was thinking of becoming a doctor.
I have the handwriting for it.
"When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least."
"You're wrong, officer, it's only my hat that makes me look that old."
"Why don't you give your husband a divorce?"
"What, I have lived with him for ten years and now I should make him happy?"
"Say, waiter, what's the difference between the one-dollar steak and two-dollar steak?
"The two-dollar steak costs exactly one dollar more."
A modern artist is one who throws paint on canvas,
wipes it off with a cloth and sells the cloth.
"What did one ghost say to another?"
"Do you believe in people?"
No man is justified for spitting in another man's
face unless his moustache is on fire.
The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge
a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day.
Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived
two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to
get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused
him to spill much of it along the way.
None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of
coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by
one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the
The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was
full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after
The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly
complimented the clerk on his new technique.
"Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I
take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room,
and spit it back in when I get outside your office."
A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word beans.
My father grows beans, said one student.
My father cooks beans, said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up : We are all human beans.
There once was a flood and everyone had reached safety except
for one man.
He climbed to the top of his house with the water lapping at
A helicopter flew over his head and hung down a rope for him
to climb, but the man was deeply religious and said,
"It's alright! The Lord will save me!"
So the helicopter flew away. The water continued to rise and a
boat came to him but, once again, the man shouted,
"No! Go AWAY! the Lord will come and save me!"
and, once again, the boat sped off.
The water was getting dangerously deep by now so the
helicopter came back and, on cue, the man repeated,
"I don't need saving! My Lord will come".
Reluctantly, the helicopter left.
The rain continued to pour, the water continued to rise and
the man drowned.
At the gates of heaven, the man met St. Peter. Confused, he
asked, "Peter, I have lived the life of a faithful man - why
did my Lord not rescue me?"
St. Peter replied, "For pity sake! He sent you two helicopters
and a boat!"
Two old men were arguing the merits of their doctors. The
first one said, "I don't trust your fancy doctor. He treated
old Jake Waxman for a kidney ailment for nearly a year, and
then Jake died of a liver ailment."
"So what makes you think your doctor is any better?" asked
"Because when my doctor treats you for a kidney ailment, you
can be sure you'll die of a kidney ailment."