Tom's tee shot off the first tee hooks horribly and skips off the clubhouse roof. He decides it's not worth chasing so he tees up another ball and plays on. As he's making the turn at nine, his friend comes running out of the clubhouse, "Tom, wait up!" "Yeah, what is it?" "Did you see what happened to your ball from the first tee?" "Well, I hooked the ball off the clubhouse roof but I didn't see what happened to it." "Let me tell you, it richocheted off a van's window which went out of control and hit a school bus. The bus tumbled down an embankment and burst into flames! Three kids are in critical condition at the hospital!" "Oh my God! What should I do?" " "Well, I think if you just open your club face a little bit . . ."

A young golfer was playing in his first PGA Tour event. After his practice round he noticed a beautiful young lady by the clubhouse. He went up to her, began talking, and convinced her to come back to his hotel room for the night. All through the night they made wild love together. In the morning, the woman woke up and arose from bed. The man said, "Please don't go. I love you and I want you to stay with me." The woman replied, "You don't understand...I'm a hooker." The man said, "That's no problem, you probably just have too strong a grip."

A man and wife were playing in their club's annual "Guys and Dolls" tournament. The man was not happy about having to play, but his wife had insisted. On the 12th tee, his patience had reached its limit. While his wife wasted time on the ladies tee, he decided to go ahead and hit his drive from the mens. Unfortunately, he misjudged his shot and his ball hit his wife in the back of the head, killing her instantly. At the hospital the doctor came to talk to the husband. "Mr. Davies, we found a golf ball lodged 3 inches into your wife's brain, which was the the cause of death. But, we have found something else that really puzzles us." "What is it?" asked Mr. Davies. "Well," said the doctor, "we also found a golf ball lodged 6 inches into her anal cavity." The husband dismissed the doctor with a wave of his hand "Oh, that was just my Mulligan!"

It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Mike was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker - "Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee please back up to the men's tee, please!" Mike was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement - "Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up the men's tee!" Mike had had enough. He shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!"

Near the end of a particularly trying round of golf, during which the golfer had hit numerous fat shots, he said in frustration to his caddy, "I'd move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course." "Try heaven," said the caddy. "You've already moved most of the earth."

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny afternoon. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Sure enough, the ball hit one of the guys, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground, and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed over and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his pain. "Ummph, ooh, nnooo, I'll be alright... I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside, beginning to massage him."Does that feel better?", she asked."Ohhh, Yeah....It feels *really* great", he replied,"But my thumb still hurts like hell!"

A man was invited to play at his friend’s course and during the round he felt the call of nature, was far away from the toilets and so he went behind a tree believing that he was unobserved. However, on a parallel fairway, three lady members were playing. As they passed they were surprised to observe just a very private part of a man’s anatomy protruding from around the tree. He’s certainly not my husband, I can tell, said the first lady, Disgusting - I’m glad he’s not mine either, said the second lady. It really is a damned cheek, said the third. That’s not even a club member!

Standing on the tee of a relatively long par three, the confident golfer said to his caddy, "Looks like a four-wood and a putt to me." The caddy handed him the four-wood, which he topped about fifteen yards off the front of the tee. Immediately the caddy handed him his putter and said, "And now for one hell of a putt

Hear the one about the bad tempered golfer who bought a new set of Great Big Bertha Woods. After playing with them for a couple of rounds he returned to his pro shop and told the pro thet these were the best clubs he had ever played with. In fact "I can throw these clubs 40 yards further than my old ones" he told the pro.

There are two guys out on the course that come up on a couple of ladies playing slow. One of the guys walks up towards the ladies to ask if they can play through. About halfway there he turns around and comes back and says to his friend, "I can't go up there and talk to them, that is my wife and my mistress." So his friend replies, "I'll go up and ask them." When he is halfway there he turns around and comes back and states to his friend. "Small world".

An older couple are playing in the annual club championship. They are playing in a play off hole and it is down to a 6 inch putt that the wife has to make. She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling. She putts and misses, they lose the match. On the way home in the car her husband is fuming, " I can't believe you missed that putt!" "That putt was no longer than my 'willy'." The wife just looked over at her husband and smiled and said, "yes dear, but it was much harder!"

Mike and Bob had just finished the the first nine and it was obvious that Mike was having a bad day. "Gee Mike, you're just not your old self today, what's the matter?" asked Bob. Mike, looking pretty glum, said, "I think Mable's dead." "That's terrible," said Bob, "you think your wife is dead. Aren't you sure?" "Well," responded Mike, "the sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up."

After an enjoyable eighteen hole of golf, a man stopped in a bar for a beer before heading home. There he struck up a conversation with a ravishing young beauty. They had a couple of drinks, liked each other, and soon she invited him over to her apartment. For two hours they made mad, passionate love. On the way home, the the man's conscience started bothering him something awful. He loved his wife and didn't want this unplanned indiscretion to ruin their reationship, so he decided the only thing to do was come clean. "Honey," he said when he got home, "I have a confession to make. After I played golf today, I stopped by the bar for a beer, met a beautiful woman, went back to her apartment and made love to her for two hours. I'm sorry, it won't ever happen again, and I hope you'll forgive me." His wife scowled at him and said, "Don't lie to me, you sorry scumbag! You played thirty-six holes, didn't you?"

A grandfather and grandson were playing golf together. On a severely dog-legged par 4, the grandfather told the grandson, "When I was your age, I'd aim right over those trees and hit the green every time." The grandson thought about that comment and decided to give it a try. He hit a perfect drive, but it landed right in the middle of the 50 ft trees. The grandson looked sadly at the grandfather who said, "Of course when I was your age, those trees were 8 feet tall."

A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wet suit. Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you."! Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here along time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" Man: "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette. Man: "Oh thank you so much!" Girl: "So tell me how long its been since you had a drink?" Man: "It's been ten years" The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink. Man:"Oh..thank you so much. You are like a miracle"! Finally the girl starts to unzip the front of her wet suit and asks the man leadingly, "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around??" The man looked at her and said excitedly: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too??"

Husband and wife were playing in the mixed foursomes. He hit a great drive down the middle - she sliced the second shot into a copse of trees. Unfazed he played a brilliant recovery shot which went onto the green a metre from the pin. She poked at the putt and sent it five metres beyond the pin. He lined up the long putt and sank it. To his wife he said, "We'll have to do better. That was a bogey five." "Don't blame me," she snapped, "I only took two of them."

A guy was on a holiday in Mexico and rented a car to go to the nearest golfcourse for a round of golf. When he returned the car, the man in the car rental agency noticed that the golfer had dropped something in the front seat and said: "Excuse me, sir, but are these yours?" "Yes, thanks, those are my tees." "What do you do with them?" "I put my balls on them when I drive..."

An older gentleman often used to go golfing by himself and would team up with anyone who was available. One day he was teamed up with a lovely blond lady. They very much enjoyed their round together and met quite often afterward for a game. Finally the gentleman decided he had fallen in love with the young lady and asked her to marry him. She said "but you don't know anything about me. You know, I am a hooker." He said "that's ok - just straighten out your wrist and move your thumb a little".

"Tom" sits in clubhouse bar thinking about his next extra marital affair. Deep in though about the subject he absent mindedly starts thinking allowed. "Not worth it" he muttered"never as good as you hoped. Expensive and above all drives the wife berserk." A friend who was sitting close by at the time and over herd Toms words leaned across and said "come on Tom you knew what to expect when you took up golf."

A couple whose passion had waned saw a marriage counselor and went through a number of appointments that brought little success. Suddenly at one session the counselor grabbed the wife and kissed her passionately. "There" he said to the husband, "That's what she needs every Monday, Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday". "Well," replied the husband, "I can bring her in on Mondays and Wednesdays but Saturdays and Sundays are my golf days."

A man playing as a single at Pebble Beach was teamed with a twosome. After a few holes, the twosome finally asked why he was playing such a beautiful course by himself. He replied that he & his wife had played the course every year - for over 20 years - but this year she had passed away and he kept the tee time in her memory. The twosome commented that they thought certainly someone would have been willing to take her spot. " So did I" he said - "but they all wanted to go to the funeral"

A Jew, a Catholic and a Morman were having drinks at the bar after an interfaith convention. The Jew, bragging about his virility said "I have four sons, one more and I'll have a basketball team!." The Catholic poo-poohed this acomplishment, stating, "Thats nothing boy, I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team." To which the Mormon replied, "You fellers ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives, one more and I'll have a golf course!."

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!" The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

A man was golfing one day and was struck by lightning. He died and went to heaven. Saint Peter told him when he arrived at the gates of heaven that the bolt of lightning was actually meant for his golf partner. But, because God doesn't want it known that he makes mistakes,the man would have to go back to earth as someone other that himself. Well, the man thought about it for awhile and announced to Saint Peter that he wanted to return to earth as a lesbian. Saint Peter asked the man why a macho guy like him would choose to return as a lesbian. The man answered, "It's simple really, this way I can still make love to a woman, AND I can hit from the red tees"!!

An avid golfer goes to see a fortune teller to enquire if there are any golf courses in heaven. "I have good news and bad news" she tells the golfer. "Whats the good news?" asks the golfer "The good news sir is that the courses in heaven are spectacular, without doubt better than anything you have ever seen on earth." "Whats the bad news then?" he asks "You have a tee time at 8:30 tomorrow morning."

A man and his friend meet at the club house and decide to play a round of golf together. The man has a little dog with him and on the first green, when the man holes out a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs. The friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says, "That dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?" "Somersaults," says the man. "Somersaults?!" says the friend, "That's incredible. How many does he do?" "Hmmm," says the man. "That depends on how hard I kick him in the ass."

Myself and a fellow caddy recently helped two aged Germans around our course. Failing yet again to get the ball in the air the worst golfer of the pair exclaimed "I suppose you have never seen any player worse than me?" My friend the caddy replied that "there are plenty worse than you sir but they are no longer playing."

A minister, a priest and a rabbi were golfing one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake on the 14th hole. Since it was fairly secluded and not many golfers were on the course, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to walk over to the rough to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing the fairway, who should come along but a group of ladies from town getting ready to tee off. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover. After the ladies had teed off and moved on, the men got their clothes back on. The minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."

A couple has a whirlwind, 30 day romance and even though they don't know too much about each other, they decide to get married. After a couple weeks, the husband says, "Honey, I have something I have to tell you. I'm a golf fanatic and I must play every day." "I also need to tell you something," she replies. "I'm a hooker, and I need to do it every day." "That's OK," he said, "we'll just play dog leg lefts."

Mr. Nicklaus, "Your name is synonymous with golf-You really know your way around the course. What is your secret?" Jack's response? "The holes are numbered!"

Wife says she's leaving me if I don't give up golf." "What are you going to do?" "I’ll miss her."

"Caddy, why do you keep looking at your watch?" asked the curious golfer."It's not a watch, sir. It's a compass"

"You think so much of your old golf game that you don't even remember when we were married." "Of course I do, my dear--it was the day I sank that thirty-foot putt."

One mid-afternoon on a sunny day, a golfer teed up his ball. After a few practice swings, he steps up to his ball and gets ready to drive the first hole. Just before he swings, a woman in a wedding gown comes running up from the parking lot. She's got tears streaming down her face. Just as she reaches the raised tee, she screams out, "I can't believe it! How could you do that?" The golfer calmly takes a swing and drives the ball straight down the fairway. He looks at the woman, as he puts his driver back in his bag and says, "Hey...I said `only if it's raining"

Two groups charter a double-decker bus for a weekend golf trip to Atlantic City. One group consists entirely of brunettes and the other is comprised entirely of blondes. Once upon the bus, the blondes head upstairs and the brunettes hang out on the bottom level. The brunette group has a ball. They're whooping it up and having a great time when one of them realizes that she hasn't heard anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides to go check on them. When she gets up to the top deck, she finds all of the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead, each clutching the seat in front of them. "Whoa, whoa -- what's going on here? We're having a GREAT time downstairs!" One of the blondes replies through chattering frightened teeth, "Yeah, but you guys have a driver!"

Watching from the Club house overlooking the 10th green, we saw a foursome approaching. Having marked their balls, suddenly one of the guys fell down and the three others started a fist fight. The Golf Captain stormed out from the Club house to separate the fighting men. "Why are you fighting?" he asked "You see," said one of them, "my partner had a stroke and died just now, and these buggers want to include it on the scorecard."

This is a true story. After hacking my way around a course with a professional golfer, I asked him what the problem was with my game. He answered cooly and casually, "It's simple, you're standing too close to your ball............after you hit it"!

A foursome of golfers had the same tee time every Saturday morning and always played together. One Saturday they were skeptical about playing because there was a 100% chance of rain. One of the foursome told the others not to worry because his lucky umbrella would save them from being rained out. To the amazement of the rest of the group, they played the entire round, and escaped any and all rainfall. They continued playing several times in threatening weather, but always escaped rain because of the lucky umbrella. One Saturday after they reached the point farthest from the clubhouse, the heavens opened up; it rained harder than anyone had ever seen. One of the foursome said to the guy with the lucky umbrella, "So much for your lucky umbrella!" To which he replied, "Ya I know, but just think how hard it would be raining if I didn't have it!"

The difference between golf and tennis is that tennis is murder - you just want to kill the other player. Golf is suicide - you just want to kill yourself..."

"I don't know about that new pro," said Dave. "He may be a little strange." "Why do you think that?" asked Clyde. "He just tried to correct my stance again." "So?" said Clyde. "He's just trying to help your game." "Yeah, I know," said Dave, "but I was standing at the urinal at the time."

A man walked into the clubhouse and noticed a friend sitting in a corner wearing a neck brace. He sat down and asked his mate what happened. "Well, I was playing golf and I hit my ball into the rough," replied his friend. "Then I met a lady who was looking for her ball too. Finding mine, I thought I'd give her a hand. There was a cow nearby and I noticed that every time the cow twitched its tail there was a flash of white. So I went over to it and lifted its tail and sure enough there was the ball. I called out to the lady, 'Ma'am, does this look like yours?' And the bitch hit me in the neck with her driver!"

Manager: "I'm sorry, Sir, we have no times open on the course today.

Golfer: "Wait a minute. What if Arnold Palmer and Jack Nicklaus showed up? I'm sure you'd find a starting time for them."

Manager: "Of course we would, sir."

Golfer: "Well, I happen to know they're not coming, so we'll take their time."

A pretty terrible golfer was playing a round of golf for which he had hired a caddie. The round proved to be somewhat tortuous for the caddie to watch and he was getting a bit exasperated by the poor play of his employer. At one point the ball lay about 180 yards from the green and the as the golfer sized up his situation, he asked his caddie, "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?" And the caddie replied, "Eventually."

Guys are discussing how they get their wives to let them play golf every Sunday morning. The first says "Every Saturday night I take my wife out to an expensive dinner". The second says "Every Saturday I clean the house for my wife". The third says "Every Saturday I let my wife go shopping and she can buy whatever she wants". The fourth guy just looks at the other three and just shakes his head. "You guys go it all wrong." On Sunday morning I get up at 5:00am, shake my wife and say golf course or intercourse?

"This is the worst golf course I've ever played on!" A man said to his caddie during his round of golf one day. "This isn't the golf course, sir! We left that an hour ago!" The caddie replied.

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf & enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake." The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."

A guy wins the $1,000,000 hole-in-one contest and phones home with the news.He tells his wife "Pack your bags, I`ve just won a million dollars!" To which she replies,"Should I pack summer or winter clothes?" "I dont care ,just dont be there when I get home!" He says.

A husband and wife had just finished a rather lousy 18 holes of golf. They were both angry and refusing to speak to each other on their drive home. The husband had decided to take a short cut through the country where they saw a barn full of pigs and cows. Upon noticing the animals, the wife turns to her husband and says, "see any relatives?" To which he replies, "yes, in-laws."

One day, a scotsman went playing golf. After standing a while on the green he asked the boy standing beside him: "Are you my caddie for today?" "Yes," answered the boy. "Are you good at finding lost balls?" "Oh yes, I find every lost ball!" "Okay, boy, then run and search for one, then we can start!"

One day after a hard round of golf Bill decides to go to a bar. While he is having a drink a man comes in the bar carrying a large bag and sits down next to him. While he is asking the bartender for a drink music starts to play from the bag. Bill is curious and asks the man where that music comes from. The man willingly pulls out a magic lamp and a little man playing a piano. Bill is amazed! And he asks if the genie would grant him a wish as well. The man told him to go for it, but to be careful what he wished for.Bill rubbed the lamp and a genie popped out and told the man that he would grant him one wish. The man answers, "I would like a million bucks." The genie asks if he's sure, and Bill answers again, "I want a million bucks." One by one, a million ducks appear in the bar. Bill was so angry that he starts yelling at the man with the lamp. "I asked for a million bucks what the heck are all these damn ducks doing in here?!" The man simply responded, "You think I asked for a 12 inch pianest."

Father Murphy was playing golf with a parishioner. On the first hole, he sliced into the rough. His opponent heard him mutter "Hoover!" under his breath. On the second hole, the ball went straight into a water hazard. "Hoover!" again, a little louder this time. On the third hole, a miracle occurred and Fr. Murphy's drive landed on the green only six inches from the hole! "Praise be to God!" He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in. "HOOVER!!!!" By this time, his opponent couldn't withhold his curiosity any longer, and asked why the priest said "Hoover". "It's the biggest dam I know."