Louis' Secret

by Luna Celestia

It was a rather quiet night on Rue Royale as Lestat sat in the parlor reading the newspaper. He knew that Louis would be up soon, and then they could go shopping and then rollerblading and perhaps dancing and...That was as far as that thought got, for, just then, Louis walked into the room, and Lestat pretty much lost the ability to think with reason.

Louis silently crossed the room, sat down in a chair, stared at the carpet, examined, his perfect fingernails, got up, paced back and forth and back and forth, lit a few candles, retied his shoes, coughed for a bit, blew out the candles, whistled a little tune, did a very small jig, jumped up and down a couple of times, and then said, "I'll be right back," very rapidly before exiting stage left. Lestat was, of course, rather worried about his beloved fledgling by this point and was about to go after him when Louis suddenly came back into the room, sat next to Lestat, and said the 5 most dreaded words in Lestat's relationship vocabulary: "Lestat, we have to talk."

"Louis, I'm sorry. Whatever it was that I did will never happen again. I swear. Just tell me what it was so I can avoid it in the future."

"No, Lestat. It's not you; it's me."

Oh no! The next 5 most dreaded words!

"Lestat, I have to tell you something, and I'm not quite sure how you're going to take it."

"Just tell me Louis," Lestat sighed sadly. "I'll understand. Or at least try to."

"OK. Lestat..."

"Yes?"

"...I'm straight."

"Oh. I see."

"And...there's someone else."

"You mean you've been cheating on me?"

"Yes."

"And just how long has this been going on? Do I know her?"

"We've been seeing each other for about two months now, and, yes, you know her. It's...Sybelle."

"WHAT! You're leaving ME for that CRAZY BITCH?!"

"Lestat, calm down. Please."

"Fine. There. I'm calm."

"Thank you, Lestie."

"You have lost the right to call me cutesy names, Monsieur de Pointe du Lac."

"Right. Sorry. And, Lestat?"

"Yes, Louis?"

"Sybelle and I are getting married. I want you to be my best man."

"Married?"

"Yes. And we're having a baby."

"A baby?"

"Yes. And we want you to be the godmother."

"GODMOTHER!!! What do you mean godMOTHER!!?"

"Well, it's just that...Well, you see...Armand's been feeling a little depressed lately, so we kind of promised him that he could be the godfather."

"ARMAND! Why can't he be the godmother? Are you saying that Armand is more masculine than I am? Are you saying that you find me effeminate?"

"No, of course not. You're very manly. Truly, you are."

"OK. Fine. So, Armand knows about all this? Who else knows?"

"Only Marius and Pandora and Benji. And David, Jesse, Maharet, and Mekare. And possibly Eric and Santino."

"'Only?' That's the whole coven!"

"No, it's not. Gabrielle, Khayman, and Daniel don't...No, wait...Daniel *does* know."

"*Daniel* knows? Daniel lives in Leningrad! And yet I, who live in the same *house* as you, had no idea."

"There's one more thing, Les."

"I'm almost afraid to ask, but what is it?"

"I work at NBC. I helped make the decision to cancel God, the Devil, & Bob."

"Nooooooo!!! Louis, say it's not true! I can believe that you're straight. I can believe that you're engaged to Sybelle. I can even believe that you're going to be a father and that you want *me* to be the godmother. But I *cannot*, absolutley CANNOT, believe that you would cancel God, the Devil, & Bob!"

Lestat awakened with a start. He was on the couch, and his watch said it was 2 a.m. He must have fallen asleep while reading the newspaper. But, no, that wasn't right. He had spoken to Louis, hadn't he? Everything came rushing back as Louis stepped nervously into the parlor.

"Lestie, I...um...well..."

"Louis, it's alright. I understand. If the two of you love each other, who am I to stand in to way?"

"Huh?"

"The wedding and the baby and all. I understand."

"Lestat, are you OK? I have no idea what you're talking about. I just came in to tell you that I accidentally pushed the computer monitor out of the window and it landed on the car."

Lestat began to laugh in great, giddy relief.

"Of course! It was all a dream! I don't even have 'relationship vocabulary.' And I can live without God, the Devil, & Bob. So long as those people at NBC don't cancel Friends..."

"Lestat?"

"Louis, please tell me you're not straight."

"Lestat, what *are* you talking about? What would I be doing with you if I were straight. Are you all right?"

"Yes, Louis. I'm fine. Perfectly fine. In fact, I've never felt better. Just promise me that, if you ever have a child, I will be the god*father*."

"Lestat, vampires can't have chil-"

"I know, Louis. Just humor me."

"OK. I promise."

"Now, it seems that we need to discuss something."

"What's that?"

"What kind of car we're going to buy tomorrow."

"We're buying a new car?"

"Yes. It seems that someone destroyed the old one with a monitor," Lestat replied with an impish grin. "Honestly, Louis, if you wanted a new car you should've just said something. Not to mention all the ridiculously expensive computer equipment we have to buy. It's a good thing that we have incalculable wealth."

"Lestat, it was just the monitor."

"Hush, Louis. And you are going to need an entirely new wardrobe to go with the car. How do you feel about leather pants?"

"Lestat, you are the devil! The absolute devil!"

"I love you, too, Louis."

The End. La la la!