Jerry Springer Show
Crowd: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
Strange voice coming from nowhere: Tonight on the Jerry Springer Show we have a particularly interesting episode! Lestat is here to finally confess something to a long-time friend of his Daniel. So everyone please put your hands together for Lestat!
Jerry: Okay, now Lestat you're here to talk about someone aren't you?
Lestat: Yes.
Jerry: And what is this other person's name?
Lestat: Louis.
The crowd SQUEALS with delight.
Jerry: Okay, okay, well Louis, is actually here tonight -
The crowd SQUEALS.
Jerry: But first we have a surprise for you Lestat, because as it happens there is someone else here to see YOU! So let's bring out... Amarnd!
Lestat: What the HELL!!!
Out of nowhere Lestat pulls out a Axe. Amarnd reaches for the Stool. Out of the shadows Jesse appears.
Jesse: Wait everybody wait!
Jerry: Yes, everybody let's just calm down for a moment here. First tell us why you're here Amarnd.
Amarnd: Because I saw Lestat and Jesse making out at McDonald’s!
The crowd goes absolutely INSANE.
Jesse: That's a lie! I was home watching The Simpson’s!
Jerry: (raising his hands) Hold on, hold on, I'm missing the problem here...what exactly IS the problem Amarnd?
Amarnd: Because I've recently been taking part in a sexual relationship with Daniel who has recently become engaged to Jesse.
The crowd hollers, screams and whoops in an orchestra of orgasmic excitement.
Jerry: Okay, okay. Well why don't we bring Daniel out here because Lestat had something that they needed to tell them anyway about... Louis that's right!
Daniel: (enters onto stage and saunters over towards you) What's the deal? I saw you outside getting it on with Louis! You know I'm how I feel about Louis!.
Jesse: (screams) What? Why the hell did you ask me to marry you if you're in love with Louis!
Daniel: Because I knew that I could never have Louis. But Lestat promised me that they'd never hook up out of respect for my feelings!
Jesse: What about respect for MY feelings!
Amarnd walks suddenly across the stage, embracing Daniel.
Amarnd: Don't worry baby, you don't need any of them now that you have me.
Again the crowd SQUEALS.
Jesse: Oh my God! Are you SICK!
Jesse runs across the room and wraps their arms around Lestat tightly.
Jesse: Lestat take me away from all of this!
Lestat: You see? That's the thing...I'm...well, I'm married...
The crowd does its bit and, well, to everyone's surprise SQUEALS with delight.
Jesse: Married?
Lestat nods.
Jesse: Who the hell are you married to? When...when did this happen? I don't understand!
Lestat: The other day. In Vegas. I'm married to Louis.
Daniel: (screaming) WHAT!!!
Jerry: (grinning widely, makes an enquiry) So...did you have a nice wedding night?
Louis: (stepping back out onto center stage) Well we had sex 34 times if that's what you mean.
The crowd squeals.
Jerry: Okay, okay. So let me get this all straight... Lestat is married to Louis who Daniel has secretly been in love with for years and years. Now Daniel has recently become engaged to Jesse who was recently spotted kissing Lestat in the Mc Donald’s. Now on top of this Amarnd has just admitted to being in a sexual relationship with Daniel.
Louis: That's right Jerry.
Jerry: (looking sternly into the camera) It is times like these that one has to wonder, whether or not these people are aware that they are quite clinically insane. Perhaps we should be spending more on psychiatric health funds in this country, perhaps we should just ban Vegas to cut down on impulse marriages. Perhaps I should get a new job. Thanks for watching folks it's been great but for now...it's goodnight.
Queue cheesy background music and fade to black