Interactions

By Micaela

It's long, but it's worth it.

italics=telepathic communication

(Scene 1: In a club, fairly early in the night.)

Louis: Bonsoir, madamoiselle.

Green-haired girl: I don’t speak Spanish.

Louis: Neither do I. (sighs) May I have this dance?

Green-haired girl: I dunno, it’s not mine. Maybe you could ask the manager...

Louis: Romance is dead.

Green-haired girl: Who died?

Louis: Never mind. (smiles suggestively) Let’s go find someplace quieter...

Druggie: (To empty bar stool) Will you have sex with me?

Louis: ...and less weird.

Green-haired girl: Buy me a drink first.

Louis: (to bartender) Two shots of tequila, please.

Green-haired girl: Omigawsh! It’s like you read my mind!

Louis: (nervously) Ha-ha! Don’t be silly!

Green-haired girl: (drinks) Ahh... (looks up at Louis) I could go for another one.

Louis: (pushes his drink towards her) Here you are.

Green-haired girl: But don’t you want a drink?

Louis: I’ll have something later.

Green-haired girl: OK. (drinks)

Lestat: Hello beautiful! (Throws his arms around Louis and kisses him)

Green-haired girl: EEEEEEEWWWWWWW!!!!!! (runs away)

Lestat: Oops.

Louis: Now look what you’ve done! You’ve chased away my dinner! (notices the look on the bartender’s face) Er... winner! You’ve chased away a real winner! Um... because she’s nice... pretty... er... green-haired... Oh, shit.

Lestat: (laughs and grabs Louis around the waist) Come on, I’ll find you a poodle or something. (Louis bares his fangs, adding considerably to the bartender’s distress) And then we can go find someplace more romantic...

Druggie: Look! A bird! (grabs bar stool and runs)

Lestat: ...and less weird.

(Louis allows Lestat to drag him out of the club. The bartender edges towards the phone.)

(Scene 2: In a dark alley.)

Armand: You who long for death, come to me now.

Man in pajamas: (sleepwalks out of nearby apartment building) SNXZzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Armand: Death... Deeeaaattthhh... Come greet the icy hand of DEEEAAATTTHHH!

Man in pajamas: SNXZzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Armand: It is your dessstiny!

Man in pajamas: Luke, I am your father! (embraces Armand)

(sound of sirens as Armand bites Pajama Man’s neck)

Officer #1: (pointing gun) Freeze!

Armand: (looks up startled with blood dripping out of his mouth) Huh?

Officer #2: Eew.

Man in pajamas: Huh?

Officer #1: Look, we got a complaint about two cannibals scaring folks...

Officer #2: (whispers to #1) These guys don’t match the description.

Officer #1: (whispers to #2) Well, the munchkin WAS taking a bite out of that guy’s shoulder when we got here!

Armand: (tosses Pajama Man aside) Munchkin?!

Officer #2: Maybe it was consensual.

Officer #1: Sir, would you like to press charges?

Man in pajamas: Huh?

Armand: Munchkin?!

Officer #2: Look, next time, find someplace more private...

Druggie: (walks by, making conversation with bar stool) Do you like tape?

Officer #2: ...and less weird.

Armand: (with steam rising from his head, and a warm, friendly smile) We weren’t the cannibals who were disturbing people, but I think I might know where to find them. Follow me.

(Scene 3: Back in the club.)

David: Hello.

Green-haired girl: Hey.

Druggie: (returning with bar stool) Hey! Some of my best friends are plants! (vomits on stool)

David: (looks at stool and elects to remain standing) Two shots of tequila, please.

Green-haired girl: Are you gay?

David: Um...

Green-haired girl: I knew it! You and that other guy both knew what I drink!

David: Um...

Green-haired girl: The pretty one! Don’t pretend you don’t know him! You’re in league! You’re stalking me! You’re trying to use me for your sinister gay conspiracy!

David: Um... (makes speedy exit)

(Green-haired girl looks around trying to figure out where he went, then shrugs and downs both drinks.)

(Scene 4: Out in the street.)

Officer #2: So, where are we going?

Armand: Don’t you trust me?

Officer #2: Well, ordinarily I would be suspicious of anyone I found biting someone in a dark alley in the middle of the night... but you’re different. Something about you makes me want to trust you more than I’ve ever trusted anyone in my life.

Armand: How touching. I’m taking you to meet a friend of mine. He usually gets thirsty around this time of night.

Officer #2: Thirsty?

Armand: Thirsty... for intellectual companionship.

Officer #2: Ah. (pauses, apparently deep in thought) Say, what are we supposed to be doing again? Bob, do you remember? (looks around) Hey, where’s my partner?

Armand: (wipes his mouth) He’ll catch up with us. You’re safe with me.

Officer #2: I’m safe with you.

(Scene 5: At the club. Again.)

Daniel: Hey.

Green-haired girl: Hey.

Daniel: Wanna dance?

Green-haired girl: Nah. Buy me a drink.

Daniel: Two shots of tequila.

(The bartender gives Daniel a strange look, but pours the drinks anyway. The green-haired girl is too drunk to care.)

Green-haired girl: Thanks. (drinks both shots)

(enter Armand with officer in tow)

Armand: Hello Daniel. I brought you a present.

Druggie: Hey man, have you seen my lizard?

Daniel: Awww... you’re so sweet. Here, you can have this one. (pats green-haired girl’s shoulder, causing her to fall off her bar stool)

(Armand and Daniel guide their presents outside. They return a few minutes later looking refreshed and considerably less pale.)

Druggie: Hey man, have you seen my lizard?

Armand: I feel... funny...

Daniel: Well, she did have a lot to drink.

Druggie: Hey man, have you seen my lizard?

Armand: If I didn’t know better, I would think you were trying to loosen me up for some reason...

Daniel: You think I’m trying to get you drunk so I can get laid? (ponders for a moment) Why didn’t I think of that?

Druggie: Hey man, have you seen my lizard?

Armand: Shut UP!!! (drains the druggie right there in the club)

Druggie: Don’t kill me! Don’t you know that drugs are especially dangerous when mixed with alcohol? (dies)

Armand: I didn’t know that.

Druggie: You learn something new every day.

Disembodied voice: You’re dead. Shut up already.

Armand: That’s a lie and you know it!

Disembodied voice: No, not you. (points at druggie) YOU.

Druggie: You’re disembodied. You can’t point at me.

Disembodied voice: You’re dead! You can’t talk! (frustrated sigh) Look, if you’ll shut up, I won’t point at you.

Druggie: Fair enough. (resumes being dead)

Daniel: (looks at Armand with concern) Are you okay? I’ve never seen you shake like that...

(Scene 6: On the roof of the club. Louis is stretched out on an old quilt, and Lestat is giving him a back rub.)

Louis: Ooh, right there. That feels marvelous.

Lestat: Wasn’t this a good idea I had?

Louis: The best. And we had such luck, finding a victim outside in a secluded alley.

Lestat: I wonder why he was out there in his pajamas.

Louis: Who knows. (looks down at the sidewalk) Here comes Armand. Looks like he’s in trouble with the law.

Lestat: More likely, the law’s in trouble with Armand. At least that officer is.

(Lestat continues the backrub; more contented murmurs from Louis.)

Lestat: Awww, isn’t that sweet. The little devil was bringing Daniel a snack. And who says chivalry is dead?

Louis: (eyes still closed in contentment) Are they both out there?

Lestat: Yes, they’re just the picture perfect couple... assuming this perfect picture includes the bodies they are currently disposing of.

Louis: Lestat!

Lestat: Yes?

Louis: You are the damndest...

Lestat: Don’t say it!

Louis: (grins evilly and rolls over to face Lestat) And why not?

Lestat: Everyone’s said it a million times and I’m sick of it!

Louis: A slight exaggeration, cher?

Lestat: Not in the least. (leans over Louis and runs a hand through his hair) It was a billion zillion times, I’m sure of it.

Louis: A billion zillion. Hmm.

Lestat: Hey, why did the mortal cross the road?

Louis: I give up. Why did the mortal cross the road?

Lestat: I asked you first. Hey, there go some more of them. They’re all running across the street!

(Loud crash from below.)

Louis: (sits up) What was that?

(Loud thunk from below.)

Lestat: I don’t know.

(Even louder crash. Armand’s head is suddenly sticking out of a big hole in the roof.)

Louis: Eep!

Lestat: Hi Armand!

Armand: grdfvzcxn! (Disappears back into club. Many more crashes and thunks.)

Lestat: Okay, see you later then.

Louis: I don’t want to know.

Lestat: I do!

Louis: (pulls Lestat down on the quilt and kisses him) No. You don’t.

Lestat: Eep!

Louis: (laughing) You are, you know.

Lestat: I am what?

(In the blink of an eye, Louis is standing on the ground below.)

Louis: The damndest creature!

(Lestat chases after him laughing, all the way home.)

(Epilogue: In a Paris cafe.)

Memnoch: Please, you’ve gotta help me out here!

Disembodied voice: No way. No how. Uh-uh.

Memnoch: Look, I’ve been in Hell for two thousand years. Some people would say I’ve done my bit for king and country. But I don’t complain. I’m just asking for this eensy weensy little favor...

Disembodied voice: Tough shit. I’m not taking him back.

Memnoch: Then at least send me the lizard!

Disembodied voice: You can’t have pets in Hell! Besides, I already told you, he never had a lizard!

Memnoch: If you only knew what I was going through! Every millisecond, the same thing: “Hey man, have you seen my lizard?”

Disembodied voice: Have you tried answering him?

Memnoch: I tried to explain it to him the first few thousand times. Your. Lizard. Is. Not. In. Hell.

Disembodied voice: No, not like that... Let me talk to him.

Druggie: Hey man, have you seen my lizard?

Disembodied voice: No.

Druggie: Groovy.

(Ten seconds of absolute silence.)

Disembodied voice: I’ll take him back now.

(Memnoch attempts to choke both of them.)

Disembodied voice: You can’t choke us.

Druggie: I’m still dead.

Disembodied voice: And I’m disembodied.

Druggie: If I had a tongue, I’d totally stick it out at you right about now. Seeya!

END