(Scene 1: In the luxurious Night Island mansion. Daniel has just figured out how to turn on Armand’s state-of-the-art, digital, voice-recognizing, artificial intelligence-enabled, portable communication system and is attempting to make a phone call.)
Complicated Computerized Doohickey (tm): Good evening. How may I serve you, master?
Daniel: (muttering to himself) That’s Armand’s, all right. (out loud) I gotta make a phone call.
CCD: I’m sorry, foozball is only available with Complicated Computerized Doohickey ADVANCED (tm) with two additional upgrades, availible for next-day delivery at a cost of just $450,078,95...
Daniel: (interrupting) No, not foozball, PHONE CALL.
CCD: ...4,372.08, excluding upgrades, batteries, hard drive, shipping, and bubble wrap. Would you like to place an electronic order?
Daniel: NO!!!
CCD: Whoa... Sounds like somebody’s got his panties in a twist.
Daniel: Who asked you, you idiot machine?! I just wanted to make a phone call!
CCD: I’m sorry, there is no “phone call” function availible. If you are experiencing difficulties, technical support is availible over the phone at $29.99 per minute.
Daniel: [censored] [censored] [CENSORED]
CCD: Would you like to activate the “verbal communication feature” to contact technical support?
Daniel: (stops short) You mean, make a phone call?
CCD: Verbal communication feature.
Daniel: Yeah. A phone call. That’s what I wanna do.
CCD: First you have to say it.
Daniel: What?
CCD: Verbal communication feature.
Daniel: Never! It’s a phone call, dammit!
CCD: Verbal communication feature.
Daniel: Phone call!
CCD: Verbal communication feature.
Daniel: P H O N E C A L L ! ! !
(In the background, a strangely active coffin bumps and shakes its way across the room. Daniel notices it, and all color drains from his face.)
Daniel: Okay, okay! Activate the verbal communication feature! Hook me up with Louis and Lestat!
CCD: Verbal communication feature activated. Bip bip beep bip boop boop beep! Partly cloudy, lows tonight in the mid-70s. 30% chance of rain. Winds from the southeast...
Daniel: [so unbelievably censored]
CCD: Calm down... I was just kidding! I’ve got their number. Beep bip beep bip beep bip beep bip beep boop boop! Rrrrriiiiiiiiiing! Rrrrriiiiiiiiiing!
Louis: (voice coming from Complicated Computerized Doohickey (tm)) Mrf?
Daniel: What the...
Lestat: (voice coming from Complicated Computerized Doohickey (tm)) Gimme that!
Louis: Huh?
Lestat: Hello?
Daniel: Lestat? You gotta help me!
Lestat: Danny, you blockhead! You woke Louis! He’s so pretty when he’s asleep... and when he’s reading... and when he’s walking... and when he’s... *sigh*...
Daniel: But... But... There’s something wrong with Armand!
Lestat: I’ve always suspected as much.
Daniel: See, last night, he drank from this really drunk girl, and then he drank from this druggie, and he was literally bouncing off the walls, and I could barely get him into his coffin before sunrise, and when I woke up his coffin was crashing around like a Mexican jumping bean! I don’t know what to do!
(Absolute silence from the other end of the line.)
Daniel: Hello? Lestat?
CCD: You have exhausted your prepaid verbal communication minutes. Thank you for using Microsoft. (turns itself off)
Daniel: (Swears like a sailor, then dropkicks the Complicated Computerized Doohickey (tm) out the third story window as he bellows ominously...) BILL GATES... YER ARSE IS OUT THE WINDY!!!
(Danny storms out of the luxurious Night Island mansion. A few minutes later, Lestat and Louis arrive.)
Lestat: Look, the door’s open.
Louis: (hesitating at the entrance) Are you sure this isn’t another one of their plots to involve me in some sort of unholy...
Lestat: Relax. I’d never let them do anything to you. But I don’t think this is a trick; we were cut off before Danny could explain, but he sounded really scared.
Louis: All right then. (They enter. No signs of life except a quiet ‘thud’)
Lestat: I thought I heard something.
Louis: There’s no one here.
(From upstairs, a louder ‘thunka-bonk ka-WHAM’)
Lestat: It came from upstairs. That way!
(They hurry upstairs, running smack into...)
Louis: EEEEEEEEEEEK! It’s a moving coffin!
Lestat: It’s heading right for us!
(Louis and Lestat are pushed down the stairs by the jumping coffin, which falls down after them.)
Armand: (emerging from broken coffin) Mkpkjbkljvhhl.
Louis: Oog.
Lestat: I broke a nail!
Armand: (twitches involuntarily) Jjrtkjzjkkjfq.
Louis: Armand!
Lestat: Wow... What are you on?
Armand: (twitches dramatically) Qtywpjlvk.
Lestat: No wonder Danny was scared.
Armand: (runs to window and sees remains of Complicated Computerized Doohickey (tm) on the ground below) Vnlknlkdhg!
Louis: Calm down, Armand darling. Take a deep breath and speak slowly.
Lestat: Darling?
Armand: My baby! I paid $450,078,954,372.08 for that!
Louis: I didn’t mean it like that.
Lestat: I’ve got gorgeous blue/grey/violet eyes, full blond hair, sensual lips, and a bad attitude... and you go calling HIM darling!
Armand: Enough of your narcissism! I’ve got to save Bill Gates! (Theme music blares, and Armand is gone in a flash of drug-induced superenergy.)
Lestat: Why would anyone want to kill Bill Gates?
Louis: Why would anyone want to save Bill Gates?
Lestat: I’m going after him!
Louis: Are you sure that’s wise? This whole situation makes no sense whatsoever, and it’s bound to get worse.
Lestat: And I’m not letting you out of my sight! (tosses Louis over his shoulder and takes off in pursuit of Armand)
(Scene 2: A crumbling stone castle on an isolated road on the edge of a cliff with bats flying around the towers on a dark and stormy night. In other words, the lair of none other than... [ominous music]... Bill Gates himself! Inside the dismal tower of doom...)
Evil Minion: (shuffling around in an all-concealing black cloak) Lord Gates, there appears to be a shadowy stranger on the front walk.
Bill Gates: (cackles fiendishly) Release the dogs!
Evil Minion: Yes, Lord Gates.
Bill Gates: (goes back to sorting his impressively large bug collection and singing) I feel pretty... Oh so pretty...
Evil Minion: Lord Gates, the shadowy stranger appears to have drained the blood from your attack dogs.
Bill Gates: (cackles even more fiendishly) Cue the sharpshooters!
Evil Minion: Yes, Lord Gates.
Bill Gates: (goes back to sorting his impressively large bug collection and singing) If you want my body and you think I’m sexy...
Evil Minion: Lord Gates, the shadowy stranger appears to have survived several shots. It appears to be entering your lair, and there appear to be three more shadowy strangers rapidly approaching.
Bill Gates: (cackles so fiendishly that fiendishly doesn’t even begin to describe it) Prepare... the SECRET WEAPON! [ominous music]
Evil Minion: Gasp! The secret weapon? But... But Lord Gates...!
Bill Gates: Do it! Now! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!
(Evil Minion bows and skitters away, returning with... [insert suspense here]... a lizard! Moments later, Daniel enters.)
Daniel: Bill Gates! Your evil rule is at an end!
Bill Gates: Ha! You and what army?!
Evil Minion: You realize of course, Lord Gates, that your statement made no sense whatsoever in context.
Bill Gates: Evil Minion?
Evil Minion: Yes, Lord Gates?
Bill Gates: Put a sock in it.
Evil Minion: Yes, Lord Gates.
Armand: (staggers in and grabs Daniel, knocking both of them to the ground.) Don’t kill him, Danny! I need him to fix my Complicated Computerized Doohickey (tm)!
Daniel: But you never let me do anything fun!
Bill Gates: Silence, fools! Prepare to face... my SECRET WEAPON!!! MWAHAHAHAHA!
Armand: Does this mean you won’t fix my Complicated Computerized Doohickey (tm)?
Bill Gates: Evil Minion! Release the SECRET WEAPON!
Evil Minion: Um, Lord Gates? How do I do that?
Bill Gates: Pull its finger!
Daniel: Um, did I miss something, or is the secret weapon a lizard?
Armand: You mean it really is a lizard? I just assumed I was hallucinating.
(Evil Minion pulls the lizard’s finger, and a cloud of noxious gas rises, slowly condensing into the shape of a ghost that looks oddly familiar...)
Dead Druggie from Previous Spec: Groovy! You found my lizard!
Armand: Now I know I’m hallucinating.
Daniel: Didn’t you just kill him?
Dead Druggie: I got kicked out of Hell. I was too annoying.
Armand: Oh, okay. That makes sense.
Bill Gates: KILL THEM!!!
Dead Druggie: Who, me? I don’t kill people. Just because he killed me is no reason to hold a grudge.
Bill Gates: But you’re supposed to be a powerful evil spirit! I paid $450,078,954,372.08 for you!
Dead Druggie: Hey man, if you’re gonna be a cheapskate, sometimes you get what you pay for.
Bill Gates: [CENSORED]
Daniel: Whoa. Pretty impressive vocabulary for someone who’s such a weenie.
Dead Druggie: I’m gonna go scare some little kids. Seeya! (flies away, taking his lizard with him)
Bill Gates: No matter! I still have... THIS!
Armand: Oh no! It’s a state-of-the-art digital CRASH GUN (tm)!
Daniel: What’s that?
Armand: It’s Microsoft’s best-working product! It can crash anything- from computers to brains!
Daniel: He’s gonna crash our brains?
(Bill Gates is aiming the Crash Gun (tm) at our heroes, when Lestat dashes in with Louis still bumping along like a sack of potatoes over his shoulder.)
Lestat: Never fear, Lestat is WHOAOAAAAA...OOMPH! (Trips over Armand and Daniel. Louis goes flying and lands on Bill Gates’ lap.)
Bill Gates: Hello, beautiful!
Lestat: Keep your hands off of him, you... you... (Unable to find a sufficiently scathing word, he elects simply to continue sputtering until Bill Gates points the Crash Gun (tm) at him.)
Louis: (ignores Lestat and *shudder* cuddles up to Bill Gates) Hi!
Bill Gates: You come here often?
Louis: (batting eyelashes) This is such a fabulously dismal fortress on dark and stormy nights like this.
Bill Gates: I’m so glad you like it.
Louis: (jumps out of Bill Gates’ lap) HA! I’ve got your ray gun! Neener neener neener!
Bill Gates: That’s not a ray gun! It’s a Crash Gun (tm)!
Lestat: Whatever. (snatches Crash Gun (tm) from Louis and points it at Bill Gates) I’ll teach you not to mess with MY LOUIS! (pulls trigger)
(Nothing happens.)
Lestat: Wow. Even the Crash Gun (tm) doesn’t work. Oh well, I guess I’ll have to kill him the old fashioned way.
Bill Gates: You may have won this round, but you haven’t seen the last of me! (Turns himself into a bat and flies off into the night. Fiendish cackling fades into the distance.)
Daniel: Wow.
Lestat: You can say that again.
Armand: Don’t say it.
Daniel: But-
Armand: Just don’t.
Louis: We’re vampires, and WE can’t even do that.
Lestat: Well, at least we’re rid of his fiendishness for a while.
Louis: My hero! (kisses Lestat on the cheek)
Daniel: (looks at Armand) Hey! You’re back to normal!
Lestat: That’s debatable.
Armand: But I don’t have my Complicated Computerized Doohickey (tm)!
Evil Minion: You can have mine.
Armand: I can? Really?
(Danny stands up and pulls back Evil Minion’s hood, revealing none other than...)
Lestat: Mommy! What are you doing working for Bill Gates?
Gabrielle: Well, I bought a Complicated Computerized Doohickey (tm) because you were always whining about how I don’t keep in touch. But after I ordered it, my pet lion ate my money, and I had to work off my debts as an Evil Minion.
Lestat: That doesn’t make any sense. You know I could have paid the $450,078,954,372.08 for you, no sweat!
Gabrielle: All right, I admit it! I LIKE being an Evil Minion. I’m just the Evil Minion type.
Lestat: Gasp! It can’t be!
Gabrielle: It’s true.
Lestat: We’ve got to get you into counseling right away!
(Scene 3: Family therapy.)
Therapist: So, what seems to be the problem, Gabrielle?
Gabrielle: I’m addicted to being an Evil Minion.
Therapist: And how does that make you feel?
Gabrielle: Pretty good, actually. The pay is lousy, but you get to do all kinds of nifty evil-type things.
Therapist: I see. And Lestat, how do you feel about this?
Lestat: The Vampire Lestat here. I have lovely grey/blue/violet eyes, and thick, wavy gold-blond hair that touches my shoulders. My mouth is very sensual. I’m six feet tall and my body is gorgeous. I look preternatural. Very preternatural. Hey! Was that a snore?!
Gabrielle: Lestat, stop draining the therapist this instant!
Lestat: But Mommy...
Gabrielle: No.
Lestat: You never let me have any fun.