Demented Wisdom

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Join the Army. Meet interesting people. Kill them.

Laughing stock: Cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once. Never opened. Small stain.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.