~The Return of Deep Thoughts~

It takes a big man to cry... but it takes a bigger
man to laugh at that man.

 If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real
limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to
catch you because, hey, free dummy.


 Better not take a dog on the Space Shuttle, because
if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn
up.

 If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about
cutting them down?
 We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good
reason.

 To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of
something when you walk around.  That way, if anybody
say, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say,
"Sorry, got these sacks."

 One thing kids like is to be tricked.  For instance,
I was going to take my nephew to Disneyland, but
instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse.
"Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried
and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it
was a pretty good joke.

I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but
it was getting late.

 The face of a child can say it all, especially the
mouth part of the face.

 If you lived in the Dark Ages, and you were a
catapult operator, I bet the most common question
people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot
farther?" No. I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots.

 Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful,
beautiful flamingo, flying in front of a beautiful
sunset?  And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his
beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful
painting with his feet.  And also, you're drunk.

 I believe in making the world safe for our children,
but not our children's children, because I don't
think children should be having sex.

 If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute
thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks
why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is,
"Probably because of something you did."

 If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing
yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what
REALLY throws you into a panic.

 Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet
sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh.  But then I
think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me.
Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

 To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no
music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.

 I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and the
choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I
bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

 If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone
with the lemons (maybe by shoving down his throat)?

 Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they
should just call them "impressions," and if you got a
different "impression," so what, can't we all be
brothers?

Probably the early earliest fly swatters were nothing
more than some sort of striking surface attached to
the end of a long stick.

 I wish I would have a really tragic love affair and
get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and
become a bum for a few years, becaue I was thinking
about doing that anyway.

 I think a good gift for the president would be a
chocolate revolver.  And since he's so busy, you'd
probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it
to him.

 Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to
look at the word itself.  MANKIND. Basically, it's
made up of two separate words - "Mank" and "Ind."
What do these words mean?  It's a mystery, and that's
why so
is mankind.

 If you go flying back through time and you see
somebody else flying forward into the future, it's
probably best to avoid eye contact.

 It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have
more money.  And I guess that's what I like about it.
 It's easy.  Just sitting there, rocking back and
forth, wanting that money.

 If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're
drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out of
your nose.

 To me, clowns aren't funny.  In fact, they're kinda
scary.  I've wondered where this started, and I think
it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a
clown killed my dad.

 Whether they ever find life there or not, I think
Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet.

 As the light changed from red to green to yellow and
went back to red again, i sat there thinking about
life.  Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking
and yelling?  Sometimes it seemed that way.

 The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and
envision a whole universe.  But the stupid man will
just lay down on some seaweed and roll around until
he's completely draped in it.  Then he'll stand up
and go, "Hey, I'm Vine Man."

 It's too bad that whole families have to be torn
apart by something as simple as wild dogs.

 If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten
lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone.