Julianna: Chapter XV
My heart did several flip-flops as I heard the pleasant sound of a familiar voice echo around the spacious estate, and I hugged Marcus tighter as if it would calm me somehow.
I glanced over at Mary, sure that she could hear the pounding of my heart clearly even from her few feet away. She simply smiled at me, and I smiled back, then turned my attention to the grandeur of our surroundings. A long, cherry-wood spiral staircase circled to the second floor, my feet were placed on a floor of the same color and texture, and the walls and pillars were made of gray and forest green marble - a luxury nearly unheard of.
Suddenly, Mary nudged me and pointed to the other side of the room, drawing my attention to the fact that Nathan and his uncle had entered the room.
Nathan stood still as a statue, and his speech abruptly cut off as he gazed in my direction. He looked absolutely elegant, gorgeous, in gray velvet breeches and a forest green overcoat, his golden hair pulled back at the nape of his neck as usual. But the look in his eyes was what tugged at my heart - a look of complete confusion, joy… and sadness. I nearly dropped Marcus. How could I have left him? Run off without asking for an explanation?
The sight of him made my pounding heart catch in my throat, and buried my face in Marcus' hair; unable to bear the sight of the man I loved any longer.
Marcus batted at my hair as it tickled his face, and the silly look he gave me brought a laugh from my lips, a sound that seemed entirely out of place in the silence that had entered the room. Nathan took a hesitant step forward, pausing… and then a few more, ending up only a few feet away from me.
The closeness made it barely possible to breathe, and I could not help but to look up into his eyes, those eyes that I had sorely missed.
"Juli…" He began softly, then glanced in his uncle's direction. Lord Beaumont frowned, then left the room, his shoes clicking down the hallway, and then fading into silence. "Julianna, what…?" He paused again, obviously searching for the right way to ask me what I was doing there.
"I came to ask you … a few questions," I said weakly, finally finding my voice. He nodded, still looking painfully confused, as if he wasn't sure what to do, or what to say. He reached out and touched my arm, as if to lead me somewhere, then quickly pulled back, looking infinitely broken. His green eyes looked desolate, emptied of the laughter that had always been present before.
Mary sighed and held a sleeping Sabra out to Nathan, who willingly took her, though looking to me for permission first.
"Nathan, take her somewhere and talk with her, would you? I'm going outside to get some fresh air," she said, then gracefully sashayed over to the door and showed herself out. Nathan laughed quietly, then inclined his head toward the hallway that he had emerged from, minutes earlier.
"Shall we?" He asked, and I nodded, following his lead into a spacious library, adorned with more marble, intricately carved bookshelves, and costly rugs and furnishings. I felt positively shabby, but that was of no consequence at the moment. Just another emotion added to my turmoil.
He gestured towards a chair and I sat down, and he pulled another up at a safe distance, sitting down in it carefully, so as not to wake the sleeping babe in his arms. After situating a wiggling Marcus in my arms, I glanced up at Nathan, and my breath caught. He was gazing down at Sabra, a tiny smile lifting the corners of his mouth as he watched her sleep.
The scene seemed so familiar, so right…
I shook my head and cleared my throat, not wanting to lose my nerve before I even said a single word. He looked up at me, and the smile faded. My heart contracted painfully… perhaps he only truly loved my children, and not me. The smile seemed to be only for Sabra.
"Nathan, I had some issues I wanted to discuss with you… things we left unresolved. I'd like to resolve them now."
My voice sounded surprisingly strong. Surprising, because of the lump in my throat, the emotions that ran so strong that I could barely think straight.
He nodded again, then looked down at Sabra again, as if he was afraid to meet my gaze. I was afraid to look into his eyes, so I was glad, in a way. He smoothed away a dark curl from her forehead and sighed. "They've gotten so big, Juli…" he said quietly, and tears sprang to my eyes.
"I know they have. Time's gone by so quickly…" The words involuntarily slipped past my lips.
"How could we have let that time slip away?" Nathan asked quietly, finally looking at me, meeting my eyes, and I was immediately lost, bewildered at the effect he had on me. I shook my head and sighed. I was determined to be strong. I had to be.
"Nathan, why couldn't you say that you loved me? What was it? Is it that you don't? Is it just the twins that you came for all those times?"
My onslaught of questions stopped abruptly, and as a long silence ensued, I began to question my reasons for coming. Was it worth putting both of us through this emotionally grueling experience?
He began speaking slowly and quietly; his eyes still focused on me.
"It's hard to explain, Julianna… I… It's not that I don't love you. Yes, I do love the twins, I adore them, but I came to see you all those times… Life seemed so empty without you, Jewel, so bleak. It still is…"
He shook his head, his eyes still looking painfully empty, his voice flat and emotionless in contrast with his words; words that normally would have been said with the emotion that they should have conveyed.
What had happened to my Nathaniel? This man who had been so full of life… the man who had put life into my soul for months, and love in my heart… love that, I felt, could never be surpassed by anything. Except my responsibility to Sabra and Marcus.
I brushed the thought away and realized he was speaking again.
"… not in the position to commit right now, to say those words, Juli. There are some pressing matters here that I must work out before I can," he was saying.
I frowned. "Pressing matters?" I asked, remembering that he had said similar words the last day I had seen him.
He sighed and nodded, seemingly unable to explain.
At that moment, there came a knock at the door, a knock that didn't require an answer.
A tall, blonde woman floated into the room. An elegant young lady dressed in finery that fit our atmosphere as obviously as my attire did not.
"Nathan, darling, weren't you going to join your uncle and I for luncheon?" She inquired in a high, airy voice.
She could only have been 16 or 17. I frowned. Was she his sister, his cousin? Or was she the "pressing matter" that kept him from loving me as I loved him?
I watched him swallow uncomfortably, looking down at Sabra, then at Marcus and I, and then back at our intruder, who was beginning to look a little doubtful, herself.
Finally, Nathan stood up, and after several more somewhat panicked glances in either direction, said in a low, emotionless voice, "Lisa, this is Julianna Christian… and her two children, Marcus and Sabra…" He paused, creating a painful, uncomfortable silence.
"Julianna, this is … Lisa Fontaine… my fiancé."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
If ever such clear words confused a person more than they confused me at that moment, I would have liked to hear about it. If I had been standing up, I would have fallen over, and if I hadn't cried away all my tears, they would have made an unwelcome appearance as well. In the circumstance, my only choice was to sit. Be calm, be calm, I told myself, since my first impulse was to jump up and run out of the room, and out of Nathan's life forever.
But I didn't act on my first impulse. I just sat, bewildered, feeling my world turn upside down. I was used to the sensation by then, though. My whole life had been a series of mostly devastating events. I could handle this one… I could. Although if I had been breathing, it would have been easier.
"Your fiancé?" I whispered, disbelieving, although it cleared things up a little bit. He nodded, looking absolutely miserable, and sunk back into the chair.
Lisa raised an eyebrow, and frowned down at me condescendingly. It was absolutely maddening. A mere child, engaged to Nathaniel! What could he possibly see in her? But then, what could he have possibly seen in me? I took a deep breath to calm my insides, though the end effect was disheartening.
"And who is this, Nathaniel?" Lisa queried, still glaring down at me.
"I already introduced you, Lisa. Julianna…"
"But who is she? She's certainly no relation of yours, I'm sure!" She interrupted.
I rolled my eyes - though it felt a little juvenile - stood up, and took Sabra from Nathan.
"I'll be leaving now, Nathan…" I said quietly, then brushed past Lisa and out the door. "I'll show myself out!"
I felt heavy and weighed down with confusion and sorrow as I stepped out into the warm air and realization hit me like a ton of bricks. Bile rose in my throat and I had to stop walking to breathe as my head swam and dizziness overtook me. None of it was possible! It just wasn't… wasn't possible. I had suspected perhaps family problems, maybe… but never this. Not this.
Sabra started fussing, but I barely noticed, for my mind was on other things.
"Jewel?" Mary's voice came from a few feet away, where she was standing with the horses. "What happened?"
I shook my head and sighed, trying to clear my jumbled thoughts as she carefully pulled Sabra from my arms.
"Nothing, Mary," I said, and forced a smile that I knew she would see past in an instant, and one that disappeared as nausea overtook me again.
"I don't think so, Julianna. What happened?" She repeated, frowning. "I can't keep anything from you, Mary, can I?" I asked, shaking my head at her persistence. Not that it usually bothered me - she was always understanding… but right then, I didn't want to explain the fact that Nathan had been lying to me, and that I hadn't seen past it, that I had fallen in love with a lie.
"Of course you can't, Jewel. I've known you too long… Besides, why would you want to keep anything from me?" She asked, smiling. But her smile faded as she looked up at me.
"It's really bad, isn't it?"
I simply nodded and handed Marcus to Mary so that I could mount … so that we could be rid of this place, and the people inside.
"He's utterly lost to me, Mary, that's all I know for sure," I muttered, putting a free hand to my head as if somehow it would steady me.
As Mary placed Marcus back in my arms and I turned my mount to leave, I heard a voice calling after us, a voice that my heart told me to listen to, but my mind told me I was never to answer to again.
"Juli, please come back… You can't leave without understanding!"
I rode on slowly, ready to turn back at the sound of three simple words… but then, what if, even if he did say them, they were lies? I blinked back unbidden tears, and glanced over at Mary, who hadn't even mounted yet.
"Julianna, please," he beckoned, sounding panic-stricken and desperate… it took everything I had not to turn around. STOP! You love him! I screamed at myself, and then, in turn, berated myself for such thoughts. I didn't know him! How could I love him?
"You don't understand, Julianna. I love you! This wasn't my fault!"
Startled by the words I thought I would never hear, I pulled back on the reins and felt a single tear tracing it's way down my cheek.
I heard rapid footsteps approach, and turned my head to find Nathaniel standing next to my horse, gazing up at me with tears in his eyes. "Julianna," he breathed, "I don't love Lisa. I love YOU. More than any person or any thing… Please stay," he beseeched, and offered a hand to help me down.
I breathed a sigh, and slid down from the horse. Questions could be asked later.
Email: littllucy@collegeclub.com
