Long Jokes

HOW AGE CHANGES THINGS
- Submitted by Steve
---------------------------------

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they
happen upon the condom aisle. The son asked his father
why there are so many different boxes of condoms.

The father replies...well, you see that 3 pack?

That's for when you're in high school. You
have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.

The son then asked his father, well what's the 6 pack for? The father
replied, well that's for when you're in college.

You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for
Sunday morning.

Then the son asked his father what the 12 pack is for.

The father replies, well that's for when you're married.

You have one for January, one for February, one
for March......

The Game Show
- Submitted by Steve
-----------------------------
Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you
have to answer questions to win the cash prize. Lady luck had smiled
in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents.
She even managed towin the game but, unfortunately, time had run out
before the show's host could ask her the big question.

Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day.
Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home.
"I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are.
You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably
look like garbage tomorrow.

"Relax, honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all
be OK." Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the
car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?"
Jane asked. "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon."
He replied. Jane waited impatiently for Roger's return. After an
agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and
wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"

"What is it?" she cried excitedly. "OK. The question is 'What are
the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is
'The head, the heart, and the penis.' "

Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling
confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber.
At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger,
who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart,
and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep.
And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was
brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.

So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show.
Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the
butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through
her veins. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding
the audience of the previous days’ events, faced Jane and asked the
big question. "Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the
male anatomy? You have 10 seconds." "Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said
nervously. "Very good. “ Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the heart?"
"Very good! Four seconds." "I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn!
My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the
tip of my tongue this morning..."

"That's close enough," Said the game show host," CONGRATULATIONS!!"


30 Fun Things to do When Driving

1. Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.
2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to
headbang. Listen to COOL music like Ani Difranco (my own imput:)).
3. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously.
With a look of fear, lock your doors.
4. Two words: Chicken suit.
5. Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
6. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger
seat, when driving alone.
7. Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
8. Stop at the green lights.
9. Go at the red ones.
10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out
your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
11. Eat food that requires silverware.
12. Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
13. Sing without having the radio on.
14. Honk frequently without motivation.
15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry
look and an obscene gesture.
16. Ask people for Grey Poupon.
17. Let pedestrians know who's boss.
18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
19. Restart your car at every stop light.
20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.
22. While stopped at a light, piss out the window/sunroof onto other cars.
23. Paint your car with occult symbols.
24. Keep at least five cats in the car.
25. Have some passengers in the back who are having wild, noisy sex.
26. Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for firetrucks.
27. Stop and collect roadkill.
28. Stop and pray to roadkill.
29. Throw Spam.
30. Get in the fast lane and gradually ... slow ... down ... to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them.