Here are some more cool misc. jokes. I like grilled cheese sandwiches in case you cared.
How to be annoying:
* Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
* In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
* Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
* Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
* If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
* Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
* Speak only in a "robot" voice.
* Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
* Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub."
* Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
* Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
* Sniffle incessantly.
* Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
* Name your dog "Dog."
* Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
* Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
* Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
* Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace." Sue your downstairs neighbors for "violating your mineral rights."
* Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
* Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
* Practice making fax and modem noises.
* Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
* Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
* Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
* Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
* Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
* Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
* Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
* Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
* Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
* Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
* Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
* Drum on every available surface.
* Staple papers in the middle of the page.
* Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
* Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
* Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.
* Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
* Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
* Set alarms for random times.
* Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
* Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
* Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
* Honk and wave to strangers.
* Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
* Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
* Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
* Wear your pants backwards.
* Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
* Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
* ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
* only type in lowercase.
* dont use any punctuation either
* Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
* Pay for your dinner with pennies.
* Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
* Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
* Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
* Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J. Simpson conspiracy theories.
* Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
* Light road flares on a birthday cake.
* Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
* Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
* Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
* At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
* When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
* Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
* As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
* Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
* Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
* Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin.
* When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
* Drive half a block.
* Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
* Ask people what gender they are.
* Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
* Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
* Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes."
* Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar", or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
* While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
* Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
* Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
* Change your name to "John Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
* Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
* Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
* Wear a LOT of cologne.
* Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
* Sing along at the opera.
* Mow your lawn with scissors.
* At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
* Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
* Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
* Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
* Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
* Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
* Never make eye contact.
* Never break eye contact.
* Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
* Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
* Make appointments for the 31st of September.
* Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
A cheerful truck driver pulled up at a roadside cafe in the
middle of the night for a dinner stop. Halfway through his
meal, three wild-looking motorcyclists roared up--bearded,
leather-jacketed, filthy.
For no reason at all, the selected the truck driver as a
target. One poured pepper over his head, another stole his
apple pie, the third deliberately tipped his coffee over. The
truck driver never said one word, just stood up, paid hia
check, and left.
"That truck driver sure ain't much of a fighter," sneered one
of the bikers.
The girl behind the counter, peering out into the night,
added, "He doesn't seem to be much of a truck driver, either.
He just ran his truck right over three motorcycles."
A new group of male applicants had just arrived in heaven.
Peter looked them over and ordered, "All men who were
henpecked on earth, please step to the left; all those who
were bosses in their own homes, step to the right."
The line quickly formed on the left. Only one man stepped to
the right.
Peter looked at the frail little man standing by himself and
inquired, "What makes you think you belong on that side?"
Without hesitation, the meek little man explained, "Because
this is where my wife told me to stand."
A married couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle
went to a party. The conversation turned to Mozart.
"Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius!"
The woman, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked
casually, "Ah, Mozart. You're so right. I love him. Only this
morning I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to Coney
Island."
There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked at her. Her
husband was mortified. He pulled her away and whispered,
"We're leaving right now. Get your coat and let's get out of
here."
As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself. Finally his
wife turned to him. "You're angry about something."
"Oh really? You noticed?" he sneered. "I've never been so
embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to
Coney Island? You idiot! Don't you know the No. 5 bus doesn't
go out to Coney Island?"
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train
to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each
buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a
single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only
one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see,"
answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The accountants take their
respective seats but all Three engineers cram into a restroom
and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has
departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a
ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever
idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy
the engineers on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for
the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers buy no
tickets at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one
perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an
engineer.
When they board the train the three accountants cram into a
restroom and the three engineers cram into another one
nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the
engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom
where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and
says, "ticket please."
The difference between you and your boss:
When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
When doing something without being told, you're overstepping
your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.
When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.
When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's
overworked.
A former friend of mine was married to a great gal;
unfortunately, he had to put up with his wife's mother who
was a very cranky and spiteful person. In the morning
when my buddy got up to go to work, his mother-in-law would
sneak around a hallway corner and hiss at him, "If you
don't treat my daughter right when I die I'll dig up from
the grave and haunt you!"
When the poor guy would stop in for lunch, his mother-in-
law would blurt out while hiding behind a drape, "If you
don't treat my daughter right when I die, I'll dig up from
the grave and haunt you. Alas, in the evening while having
a well-deserved cocktail, my friend's mother-in-law would
pop up from behind the bar and say, "If you don't treat my
daughter right when I die, I'll dig up from the grave and
haunt you."
Well, I happened to bump into my buddy a month ago and
while having a beer I asked him how his mother-in-law was
feeling. He said, she isn't feeling anything; she died two
months ago!" I quickly asked him if he was worried about
her ominous threat? He said, "Heck, no! I buried her face
down; let her dig; I don't care!"
How To Get Out Of A Fight By Faking Kung Fu
You, too, can be The Karate Kid Faux
Imagine a fight developing. The other guy is big, brawny and sure to smash
your face into pasty pulp. How do you get out of it without looking like a
coward? Simple - pretend that you're a martial arts expert and scare him
away. Like Ralph Macchio's career, he'll be gone before you know it.
What you'll need:
Hand wraps
A black belt (or any long black strip of cloth)
Fear
An Asian lineage (optional)
A will to live
Step One
When a guy tries to pick a fight with you, stay calm. Most fakers choose to
exaggerate their "knowledge" by throwing up their hands chopsockey-style as
if the spirit of Barney Fife had inhabited them. Remember that "Karate Chop"
move that Captain Kirk laid on unsuspecting Klingons? Pure fantasy -- in
real life, they would've ripped off his head and hung it on their wall. That
other guy's watched all the same movies you have and won't be scared by a
big show of supposed force. Most importantly, don't let him see that you're
scared enough to crap your shorts.
Step Two
If at all possible, be Asian. It doesn't matter which country. Most would-be
tough guys couldn't tell the difference between a Korean and a Cambodian if
their lives depended on it (and in this case, it could.) If you're not Asian
and unwilling to undergo plastic surgery to look Asian, then you can always
try squinting. The guy might assume you've lost a contact and take pity on
you.
Step Three
Confidently inform Mr. Bully that it is only fair that you warn him about
your prowess and that your slightest touch can kill instantly. Most guys
will want to see some sort of demonstration to back this up. Here's the
tricky part: If he insists you break a board or, worse yet, try that "kung
fu sh*t" on him, don't do it. You'll only mess up, and he'll know you're a
fake. Instead, look off in the distance as if you're haunted by a terrible
memory and mutter, "No, I can't, I won't... never... never again ... "
Step Four
If he's still anxious for a beat down, take out your black belt and tie it
around your head or waist (whichever is more appropriate for your outfit).
Then slowly, methodically wrap your hands. (Practice doing this ahead of
time, so you look like you know what you're doing.) The proper use of props
can intimidate far more than words because if you look like you're prepared,
then he'll think you must be the real deal. However, don't make the mistake
of waving a pair of nun chucks around, running straight at him, and
screaming like a moron. You'll only look like an idiot. Finish this sequence
by kneeling on the ground, clasping your hands together and whispering
aloud, "Please don't let this end like the last time. I promised I would
never kill again."
Step Five
Most guys will have given up by now, but there's always that one guy willing
to call your bluff. Remain calm and confident. Assume a fighting position
(with your left foot forward and your right foot slightly behind), raise
your fists boldly, shoot him a pitying expression -- and kick him in the
nuts as hard as you can. Then run. Run like hell. Keep running and don't
look back. You have only one chance to surprise him, and that was it. You
might be a coward, but if he is still willing to take you on, then he just
might be a real martial arts expert himself. It's always better to be a
coward than dead.
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