Well, since this is the first update to this page in quite some time, I think it ought to be a rather serious one. As is typical of my life, I write on this when I am feeling down. Most times, I have used humor to mask my own self conscious feelings. Today, I am upset. See, I bought this car. A very nice car. I like it. Anyway, the girl I bought it from is named Serena. She seemed way amazing. We held hands, she listened to my stories. I thought that perhaps I had found something good in my life. As is usual, I was wrong. Of course, she cant be targeted with all the blame. It is much more my fault. I thought to myself, why not just go with the flow. Yeah, other girls have let me down cause they wanted to go on missions. Yeah, it pissed me off enough that I vowed to never date another girl that was planning on serving a mission. But, I let my guard down. I thought, what harm can it be. I was wrong. Whoever said 'tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all' was high on something. Love stinks. It isnt like the movies. It isnt like the books. It isnt like my parents. For me, it isnt like anything. The question I keep asking myself is why I go back. Constantly returning to the source of all my deep rooted fears as if by some miracle, I will suddenly conquer them and return victorious. No, I have tried 81 times. 81 different girls and nothing. Perhaps if I find the right person and end up living happily ever after (lies, all lies), then it would all be worth it to me. For now though, it isnt worth a dime to me. Why is it that I am treated so poorly? Is it because I am direct with them? Is it because they think that I cant be hurt, or perhaps that they think I can be hurt? Whatever it is, it stinks. The frustration inside is like a magnet drawing all energies to it, sucking my life blood. I am sad. Not angry, just sad. Sad that I am so nice to people and I get nothing. Sad that I always get the short end of the stick even though everyone around me thinks I am getting the long end. Sad because my life is so meaningless. Sad. Perhaps a day will come when I view all this as just a lesson learned. Perhaps the day will come when I die in a fiery automobile accident. I guess it doesnt really matter. In the end, I guess the only person you can really count on is yourself. Right now, I am not even too sure about that. BR