Sometimes I feel like writing tons and putting all my feelings into words, other times I have no desire to write. Sometimes, I have a hard time telling the difference between the two. Like my pages, most were written on the spot but there are a couple that took me months to write. So, my writing is a lot like my music writing, it comes and goes in spurts. One day I will write five songs, then I will go for several months without even having the desire to write. You cant force stuff like that. Deadline writers will never amount to writers like Thoreau or Orwell because they write because others tell them to, not for the sake of writing. So it is with emails. I was emailing this girl from California and every one of her letters was so obnoixious, so void of content. I often wondered why she even writes at all since there is nothing there worth reading. It reminds me of the letters that Emilee used to send me on my mission, the whole "Hi how are you, I am fine, Have a good mission" types that just bugged me. Eventually, I decided not to write her back cause it wasnt worth the 33 cents or the time to write. Plus, I didnt have much to respond to. Same with this girl, after reading her email, I really couldnt think of a darn thing to say to her. I would force my way through an email and it became less and less of an enjoyable conversation; more and more of a tedious task. Viktor Frankl wrote that "Unecessary suffering is masochistic". Why do something that you dont want to do when there is no reason for you to do it in the first place. Thus, I stopped writing this girl. One of my high school teachers told us a story (true or not, I dont know) about a job he once held moving rocks for his boss. After he moved the whole pile to a different spot, the boss would then have him move all of them back to their original place. Perhaps there was some moral to the story but I fail to see it. True, good work habits are a noble achievement. But, why do anything if there isnt some sort of reason for doing it. Like eating something that isnt good for you and that you dont like the taste of. At some point, why dont we just realize that we dont have to do it. Sometimes, thats the way I feel about life. Its as if all we are doing is going through the motions each day. We don things not because there is a reason to but because there is no reason not to. We search for happiness in places where happiness doesnt reside. Even though we say we are free, it is quite an impossibility. How can we be free? Everything we do is affected in one way or another by other people. While we dont realize it, other people are living our lives. They tell us where to work, when to go to bed and when to get up, what car to drive, what clothes to wear, what religion to practice, when to cray and when to laugh, who our friends are, who we love and who we hate, and in many cases, when and where we will die. Its sick. Sure, we have a choice on everything but since we know the consequences, our own intelligence makes us slaves to a fear of what will undeniably come back to haunt us. Like a yo-yo that is on fire, it will inevitably come back to burn our hand again. What can we do to escape this? For starters, look at the way you influence those around you. Have you ever told someone that you didnt like their hair and had them listen and change it? What about the last time you drove your car, did you somehow effect another person's day by your decision to speed or change lanes or honk or even smile? At that point, you will realize just how much others try to influence you. Then, we can only hope to notice when others are blatantly making our decisions for us. Only then can we begin to stop them from living our lives for us.