Well, after a long Christmas break, I am back at the writers table. I guess it is true when they say that everything will work out in the end. My grades were good, if not great. An A in physics, chemistry, and band, an A- in ITW and a B+ in my chemistry lab. Overall GPA 3.89 Still, I don't feel satisfied. I don't feel successful. In other words, I don't feel great. I feel terrible. The next semester starts tomorrow and I am scared, extremely scared. Its funny because the whole time they thought I was just stressing over my scholarship but after it became apparent to me that I was going to keep it, my stress didn't go away. Not even a little bit. In fact, it seems worse now than it did before. Maybe not as bad as it did during finals week but enough to make me unsure about myself and my education. I guess I just feel inadequate, worthless. Like I don't belong. I guess I really don't.

Anyway, suffice it to say that I am not happy. I have no self confidence. If you were to ask me right now what kind of grades I expect to get during this next semester, I would say F's. I don't actually believe that I am smart, that I am good at much of anything. I worry about everything, grades, school, the future, my mission, my friends, girls, jazz band, skiing, the next day, getting up in the mornings, going to bed at night, driving, wasting time, not being able to waste time, being lazy, not being lazy, working too hard, not working hard enough, college, dating, socializing... The list goes on forever. So, I look to my friends and family for comfort, for support through these hard times. Instead, I get rejection and false motivation. They will say that they don't really believe me, they won't listen to anything I really have to say. Instead, they will tell me to pull my head out, to stop thinking and just start doing, as if its so easy. They will tell me that it doesn't exist, that I am just being lazy or feeling sorry for myself. It seems to me like I look around and everyone is the enemy, yet they tell me that I am my own worst enemy. Maybe they are right. Maybe I am my worst enemy. Maybe I should fight. Maybe I should kill my worst enemy.