about time everyone heard my story... but what i know is people are going around and naming me "siu hay"..without knowing the truth.. really..sometimes as long as ME and some people know its fine.. but then it's really bothering me...

everyone knows that Louis is one of my goodfriends..more light tightest for the past years..and he met Tracy Yau.. and she happened to kai him as her Jai jai.. okay i guess they got pretty close.. and so i drifted away from him for a while.. Why? Because i was told that Tracy had been bitching about me and dropping in lines.. at school..it doesnt even Matter where i get my sources from..its just irrelevant.. Oh please.. i dont even KNOW this girl...all i know is shes Tracy Yau, she goes to GSIS and shes Jasons Gf.. okay.. so u know someone u dont know is bad mouthing u.. wow.. how plesant.. how would U know if she turned to ur close friend and talked bout U?..i really wouldn't know right.. and i didnt wana be the *dummy* being talked about..so okay*i stepped back..and told louis to come to me whenever he's done with her.. because i think shes just one of those friends that happen to come in and step out quickly... more like a passerby that would like to drop a few convos... i mean.. Hey if u let ur dog out for a walk.. he knows his way back home.. more like* down to the end.. close friends stay and never ditch.. so he knows im always here..so he came back to me.. basically i just didnt wana have anything to do with her at all... not even sharing close friends.. no thanks.

for a while i was close to Geoffrey Lai.. and he started hanging out with Gary,Eugene,Mika, Tracy... so hey.. hes tight with tracy.. so i suggested.. Lets keep a distant.. i told him about me and Louis.. unfortunatly he took it as if im controlling who he be friends with? so.. i told him.. go be friends with her as much as u want..i just want my distant.. i really hate being the *dummy*..

so near the End of June it was Her (tracy yau's) Birthday..and geo was out with that group of friends..and he had told me that one of his friends was upset.. got into relationship problems.. and that him and his group of friends were waiting for her parents to pick that person up..and that the group would head down to Ing.. alright.. then.. gary or eugene or some guy said.. :"oh we're going now.." and Geo blurted out loud : "what.. How about Tracy?.. what kind of friends is this? shes all upset and u guys still have the mood to go have fun? we cant just ditch her like this..".. and he was on the phone with me..so alright.. i said "Oh so that upset friend of yours is tracy?!" woah.. and then GEO spazzed at me for the first time.. yeh gum yau dim ah...what r u gona do? u care.. u care so much.. Been gor TUng ngor fan Meen cuz of her Gah?... then i told him i didnt care.. cuz been there done that.. distant wanted..distant asked..u know.. and he just kept on pushing it...and giving me shit.. and then.. the next day obviously i was ng fun hay.so i bitched at him..and told him that im not some shit that he can bitch at whenever he wants to and when HIm and his stupid friends is upset u know... really whatevers up with them is none of my business... is it? so why should i get all the anger from him? and he was saying how it isnt fair cuz i hafto care who he be friends with.. he's right..therefore im not..i want a distant with HIM.. because of HEr.. and nothing else..i just wanted a clear path and know where i was heading.... right he apologises. with " its my fault again...im sorry..." he had also said " if it didnt lie or keep her away from u..would u even talk to me now?"//<--- i thought he was mega selfish.. seriously* sometimes u just cant have and own everything u want at the same time.. right?..also.. i dont think a little potato would make any difference...i guess i was pretty hurt showed how much he'd pick her over me....yeh i was hurt..i dont remember wheather i cried that time..but i think i did..cuz whenever i cry..louis knows..so i think so...... i guess this whole bitching thing had dug up a big gap between us..

July 02 2003: i've came back for quite a while... that day i went out with kinson..think it was the day where i had chilled with joyz for a while.. first time i actually met her.. kinson and i called ali..to somewhat find him..because kinson was pissed off at ali and i wanted them to work things out,,it was cute..ali gave kinson 2 school pictures with lots of words on the back.. and kinson just forgave him that instant..o wells.. as i knew.i didnt have much grudges against geo anymore.. maybe cuz i think we somewhat cleared it up..but i dont think he was satisfied with whats going on.. Geo had been seeing gary and group way more..and from what i knew..he just drifted away from ali...and it took me by suprise when i went to find ali geo was there.. so i asked geo.. oh how come ur with ali.and not with ur "coolfriends"? alright i said it.. Geo got pissed off. and gave me attitude in public.infront of ali, henry and kinson. walking 1 meter or even more away from me,.. when i asked him smth..he'd either look away or ignore me totally..i didnt know if it was a joke or it was for real..i was gona leave..and for me to go home it somewhat passes by his place too..so i asked if he was going.. he ignored me... then a while later..i went.. "geo!!" then he ignored me.. then he says " WHy do u care?" "Lei gau ngor gah!! (u taught me this)".. at that moment.. i thought he was fucking rude.. seriously*i was holding a green tea frappachino from starbucks and i wanted to chuck it at him..and kinson held me back... okay..i got home.. and i was on the phone with ali.. i didnt know if the whole scenery thing was a joke or what.. then suddenly i got an incoming call.. it was Geo..and he said :" wei..i think we should talk..." and i asked "about what? " then i was alright..cuz really i dont know whatsup.. then he started telling me how everyone has a limit to their level of tolerance..and that i went over the limit.and yada yada yada..dont think he knew..but ali did feel some what neglected.so once i was teasing ali a bout being gay..and he was saying how its the only 2 words i knew..so he said how bout switching it.. Gay= cool. and Cool= gay.. (geo didnt know that)..its nothing special or to hide away..just that its a thing u know...also..its really odd .. when i talk to geo..ali would say stuff like.. "talk to GEo..go...!!" like.o u got geo u dont need me nemore.. and geo would go.."u called ali..u talked to ali?".. ugh*does it matter who i talk to more? anyways so back to him saying i was intolerable..and all.. then..i wanted to respond.and he said "sorry my fault again..im being too sensative.." and i didnt know what to say..but talk back and ask why hes giving up..i mean seriously*if u gave me all that attitude..and bitching..then u stop and apologise i think its not very nice.. yes i was hurt once again..i cried..because i didnt know that those two words said caused such a problem.. u know*i just wanted geo to care for ali or even me more..i dont know.. i didnt get why he started it all and ended it without hearing my side of the story...so okay i left him a long private blog on xanga.i asked him what was worse. being intolerable..or lying and having to hide something..knowing that he's lost my trust already and hes just loosing more.. also explaining the cool= gay , gay=cool thing..and what i really meant when i said it.. really people interpret things in the wrong way.maybe it was the way i said it.. so i apologised to geo..because i didnt know that it mattered to him that much..it was all in the blog.. why not on the phone.. ? because he wouldnt exactly talk..and i know hes gona say "sorry my fault again.." and stuff.. really i asked him "why r u sorry.and apologising when u started it all and u think ur right?..i mean im the one that did something wrong here.. not you..!...or are u just apologising because u wana shut me up cuz im getting all worked up here?".. and he asked..why u getting all worked up..u shouldn't be.. not like u care...omg..i duno what to say.. we got off the phone.. i felt like shit..i was crying.i called alister..and we talked.. he tried to tum fan me.but it didnt work..i called val up..i didnt tell her why i was upset..but she just heard me cry..until i stopped.. thankyou so much for being there for me..

so alister told me to forget about geo.... geo and i talked things through.. and he asked for a last chance in the friendship after spazzing at me over and over again.. and says "oh.. im always wrong..ur alway right..".<-- he sounds so Ng Fun hay..o well..i cant do much about it can i. so alright.. there goes the last chance.

lets say..i've been looking for mike and jeremy more nowadays.. of course jeremy is my god bro..we talked on the phone a lot.. i knew they didnt like geo much..because Geo had said Dan was 7... and Dan is one of jer and mikes's bestfriend..so i wouldn't blame them.Once mike asked who to prank call.and i suggested Geo.. its not like he would mind.cuz im on the line and geo would know.and he knew it right when mike called..so basically it wasnt fun.and we just ended up talking.. this went on almost everynight.. us all confrencing until late nights.. and when we go out.. its always that group with others.. Geo acted is if he didnt know me in person.. i dont even get any Hi's!..it seemed like i was some kind of disgrace..or like he's ashamed to have a friend like me..he'd give me wierd looks and all.. really i felt like i didnt even know him at all..so i told Mike and justine.. and mike had told me.. One eye open.one eye closed.. (Jek ngan hoy..jek ngan bai).. people r like that.for me..when i talk or tell ppl problems..i feel like im bitching..so i let them know what i said..i told geo how i felt..and i told him im telling him cuz i didnt wana be known talking behind his back..cuz im not..so okay he knows.. there wasnt much changes..guess my msg didnt get through..but its okay.

i met mikes and geos friend..Eugene, Gary, Mika, Kelvin,Charles.. their all very nice people.. they'd even talk to me and say hi!.or drop by convos.. where Geo wouldnt even say a word.... outsiders would think i just met geo with the bunch....i felt like that too..infact i felt like im closer to anyone but him..i duno why..

theres this day where i went out with heanney,shiga, justine..and mike and group came along.. geo was there.. Heanney had thought Geo was hot.. i didnt know.. heanney and shiga dared each other to go up to him and tell him he's hot..but really i didnt think it was that much of a big deal.so i went over and i said " Oh..Geo ur really hot!"..(haha).. and then he said :" Not as COOl as u and ur cool friends!!".. RIght.. -__- inch me again.. *him and mike.. laughed it off.and high fived each other..

There was another day where Me, Mike and justine had baught a pack of Yakult to Sai Gay (century snooker place)..for them to drink.. and it was enough that all the guys get one.. and one was for Geo.. justine had asked Geo over 5 times if he wanted it.and all he said was.. "later.. later..later!!".... then mike saw it and he asked if it was anyones.so we said.. no.. take it..so he drank it.. Geo comes back 5 minutes later and starts bitching.. "wheres my yakult..why is it all gone.." and i said " well u were too busy or too cool for us..i duno..so mike drank it." and then he said " Um gau u and ur friends cool!"... and justine said : "WTF!! so rude..!!" like,..we even saved a drink for him..asked him if he wanted.and explained to him where he went and he still Inched me...

July 19 2003: i was on confrence with Mike and Geo.. Mike had said Brb.. so he put the phone down.and i was talking to Geo.. he had dropped in.. " um gau u and ur friends COOL!!" i wasnt comfortable..i didnt like it..so i said.. "um gong la!" and i hung up.. Geo didnt say a word to stop me at all.. and when Mike got back on the phone and asked where i went.. Geo had said I Hung up on them rudly....so mike had somewhat confronted me about it..how im rude.. and all.. and the next day Geo called me..and acted as if nothing happened..and i asked :" why ru calling me?" then he talked and went on to the topic how i was being rude..and "dont ever hang up on me again.. and i mean it.. ngor WUi Fan meen gah!.".. hmm..i did say "Um gong la"....i think that shows how im not that much of a rude person to just hang up.. i mean afterall i have the rights to listen to whatever i wana hear right?

July 21 2003: that night i was on the phone with justine.and i was telling her how i thought geo doesnt care anymore..he doesnt even say hi!.. and how he's been Inching me constantly over the "coolfriend" thing ..and sometimes along with Mike and JEremy too.i feel like i didnt know him anymore. and then Mike calls me..and asked me what i was up to..i said.. on the phone with justine.. and mike asked "is there anything i cant know that u guys r talkin about?." then i said " no no its fine.." so i hung up on justine.so that mike can call me..along with Geo and Jeremy.and then i'd confrence justine..so it happened..we were talking and Jeremy dropped in .."wah gum cool ah.. um gau u and ur friends cool!!".. and then Geo dropped in "HAHAHA..GOOD ONE JER! GOOD ONE!!"... so yes once again they just keep doing it..in person and On the phone... so i said "Um gong la!" then mike said.."um ho la.." then i said.. no whatever.. im going.so i just cut.. and it was just me and justine left..and she said :"wah! u really meant it? i didnt even get a chance to say bye!.." o well...so i told her why i was upset..im sure by then Mike,Jeremy found out i was upset.so they kept on calling me.. i think about 5 times..and i didnt pick up 4times..for the 5th time i picked up and said :"can u stop calling!!".. so it stopped..then i called jeremy and apologised for the rudeness..and told him that it wasnt the first time.and yes, i was crying... and so i told him i was gona head to bed...i told jeremy and justine that i wasnt gona go tomorrow.. because we had planned to watch finding nemo together.i dont even care about the coolfriend thing u know.its like what Taste my own medicine but triple the dosage? but whats bothering me is..*he told me to stop.i stopped and HE went on and ganged up with them..i think its enough..

july 22 2003: i had to go out in the end.. to give something to jeremy.. we were gona watch it at festi but plans had changed.so me and justine went to cwb.. i saw Geo..i wasnt comfortable.i didnt wana watch.. but Jer told me Mike had baught my ticket already.. so okay..and then jer said..: "jo meh ah.. we're not going to watch Geo..or ur not gona sit next to him.its not even finding GEO.. so its okay! sit next to me jah ma.." so i was convinced..and gerald went.. i barely see him..so yea. for that whole day..i was giving mike and geo so much attitude. okay then justine and i went with mike to CCC to watch mike play snooker with his brother. there were two tables.. One was Tom (mike's bro) and Jeremy playing.the other was Mike and Geo playing.. and then after a while Tom's friend came..and mike played with his friend..so Geo sat aside.and started talking to justine.. i was thinking..: how come when i wanted him to talk to us..he never did.. and now that im pissed off ..hes saying so much.." its just like the theory..if u are to stop a ball from rolling down the cliff.. u'd stop it before it reaches the end..but Geos stopping it when it dropped already.. more like..im already pissed off.. BOOM! too late. well i wasnt comfortable..so i went outside and sat down.. justine had followed me.but i felt bad..i mean im upset.. she should be having fun..so i told her to go back inside.. and obviously they were talking about me.... Geo had asked justine : "is tracie pissed off because of the cool friends thing?" and justine said yes..! and then geo said " why should i be responsable for the shit Jeremy said??".. when justine told me back..i was really upset..i wanted to cry.. seems like their all so clueless why i was upset and that im really SIu Hay.. so i just left.walked really quickly and ditched everyone.. first justine was following but then she had mikes shirt..so i told her to go back and find me later. before i left i had texted mike and said :" we need to talk..i dont think u should be so judgemental over what u see and what u know.." dont know why..but that night Mike, Jeremy and Gary slept over at Geo's house.. i called Mike and i was crying.. he kept on insisting me to talk to Geo... but really mike didnt understand me a bit.. he just wanted things to get well.so that he could hang out with justine and geo.. and to hang out with justine.. i have to be there..so therefore he didnt want to make things awkward..mike wanted to own both..just like geo.. selfish or what? o well.. mike didnt even get me a bit.. and Geo was just at the back having fun with Gary and Jeremy and hehe haha -ing while mike was stuck with me..

july 23 2003: im more calm now..i found out that Mike had been telling people that Me and geo Chau jor (got in a fight)..and people asked why.and Mike would respond.One is Siu Hay. the other is Stubborn.

OH guess which one is me?... so i decided to call mike.. and tell him everything.. seriously*it sounds like he doesnt even have a clue..i didnt wana explain and start from scratch because Mike and Geo are now close friends.and if i told mike.. Mike might happen to look at Geo in a different perspective...or even be bias..i just thought it wasnt nice to bitch about one to his goodfriend..since Mike is already being bias.and stuffing words in my mouth.so i told mike EVERYTHING from above...and mike started apologising to me that the night before when he was at Geo's house..he was helping geo.and being selfish on purpose trying to make things better.. and he also told me that he felt for me..if only he knew the truth and my side of the story he wouldn't have rubbed it in.. i took mikes apologies.. because he was sincere.. he heard my side of the story.. and he's no longer judgementle at least he knows both sides now.Mike also told me to forget about Geo..and the whole thing.. i didnt know if its to forget Geo,Him and JEr..or is it just forget everything..or plain geo.. okay i think forgetting is a lie.. in the end its still at the back of ur head..it lies there...so theres nothing i can really do..ah...sucks eh?...

July 26 2003: After talking to Nat kwan, Justine and Mike.. i was convinced to talk to Geo.. even though i wasnt very eager to talk because really.. hes the one that upset me..why should i turn to him? but really it doesnt matter who approaches who first.... so alright there goes another chance... cuz theres one morning where i was checking my xanga subscribers..and he had updated his xanga.. and left a msg.. :

"hmm itz been a long time since i've updated. well my summer.. it has been pretty good i guess.
why do people have to apologize to their own mistakes along with the other person's? can't both sides just give each other a break? some people always think i dun give a shit about them or wutever.. but how do you kno? and why would u care? since you dun care anymore. well thatz it for now. really aint in the mood."

July 27 2003: Its my moms birthday.. its been 5 days since i ever laid off my turf.. i feel like a lump of shit.. Since Monday.. Jeremy had never heard my side or even cared.. i called Jeremy.. its a sunday for god sake..i was thinking..right jeremy would probably be at home... taking a break.... unfortunatly.. when i called him.. he had told me he was at Geo's place.. okay.. so i told him ima go then.. really hes got company.. so then i turned to mike.. and then when mike picked up the phone a girl at the back said :"Yau call ah? Ngor doh hai Geo Uk Kei ah!!"... then i just said BYE!.. and mike said bye back.. then tears just ran down my face again... The people who i want to care most dont even give a flying fuck.. loosing Geo wasnt a problem anymore.. i really cant be bothered to give.. but Mike and Jeremy.. its like*i LOST everything in a stupid Gamble.... they picked someone they recently got close to over a 2 yrs friend.and for jeremy god..he picks HIM over his mui?...i texted mike..and told him that i felt like i've lost both him and jeremy..i really did.. cuz nowadays they dont call me anymore.and everytime i call them their either OUT with Geo, Talking to Geo, AT Geo's house..or god knows.. everything is GEO GEO gEO gEO GEO!!!..

July 28 2003:Today is my Dad's birthday...since my moms bday bday was a shitty day for me..i wanted things to be better.. listened to this song that reminded me of jeremy..got watery eyes.. but im sure i can stay strong..its not the end of the world... having to loose so much all at once...These past few days i havent left my turf yet.. and if i did..it was just shortly 2-3 hours... i just didnt feel like going out at all.. because I'm already so upset.. and when ones upset.. it just screws up everything.so i didnt wana ruin anything...After dinner with my parents.. Debbie called.. so i went to Mongkok and Joined Deb,Beckma,John and Carol.. it was fun..i had fun..it was just shortly 3 hours though..but it was good enough for me to feel loved once again by my friends. Thanks!..

i wouldnt mind turning to others.but really i didnt think it was neccessary to go around bitching about Geo..with his bad stuff u know.. its just a matter of respect to not bitch about one to their goodfriends..but if i said it to other people they wouldnt understand.. would they? why..cuz they dont know geo.. or they dont see things the way i saw.. and jeremy and mike we're somewhat invovled..but o well.. really they dont care.....even though Mike would call and talk to me when im crying.. but thats because i texted him and told him i was upset...and then he suggested to find me more..or even call me when jeremys busy with geo.. but i felt like..mike is only doing that cuz hes not wanted around there..or im just something to fill in his boring gaps..i also felt that Jer and mike.. had given me this whole .."OOH.. we got closer to him now.. u can dismiss.and leave..." type of thing..and i just didnt know what to do..i mean theres nothing i can really do u know.. friends are not mine..i dont own them.and im not selfish... sharing is caring..

u trip..u fall.. u get up.. and this cycle goes on forever...first few times.. u have the strength and eager to climb and crawl back up...then when it hits the 4th and 5th time..u no longer wanna move..u just wana stay like a piece of shit cuz ur so tired...................

If u broke a cup 4 times..and u glued it back hoping that things will be back in place.. but when u fill it in with water it leaks.. the next time u fill the cup it didnt leak..it seemed like it was brand new... you know why?.. its been replaced..with one that looks exactly the same....

i've cried multiple times..already.. i've isolated myself for quite a bit.and i've had a few visitors.. Heanney, Caroline and Crystal...its not the end of the world is it?.. its about time i moved on and start a brand new leaf...it wasnt worth it at all.was it? or did i just care too much?...im still lost.. i've thought a lot..but i think its just all me.. the more i think the more people i hurt..Am i just too sensative.. or am i really that "SIu Hay"? u think i have the rights to get upset?

loosing Geo wasnt a problem..cuz seriously* did he really meant that much? but.. i was more upset the fact that i fell apart with Jer and Mike cuz of him.. i lost so much in this gamble...

Ps: thanks for all those comments on my xanga.. and much love and respect to those people that showed that they cared.....