PERKIMENTIUM: NEW CHEMICAL ELEMENT DISCOVERED
The recent missing money, rampant crime and division in Selma are proof of the existence of a new chemical element. A major recent institution, STJ, has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named Perkimentium. Perkimentium (Pv) has one major neutron, 14 assistant neutrons, 125 deputy neutrons and 220 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 360.
These 360 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of incompetent-like particles called peons.
Since Perkimentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected because it impedes every progressive action with which it comes in contact. A small amount of Perkimentium can cause an action which should be beneficial to become an agent of division.
Perkimentium has a life of 8 years. It decays with time and tries to undergo a reorganization in which assistant neutrons and deputy assistant neutrons change places. In fact, Pv’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron production leads some scientists to believe that Perkimentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration in a city government. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with massive amount of money, Perkimentium becomes Incompetentium..an element that radiates just as much corruption as Perkimentium, since it has half as many peons, but twice as many morons.