If patriotism is the last refuge of scoundrels, then bad religion must be the last refuge of assholes. Some even say that the holy asshole is the quinessential asshole.
Fortunately, not all religious people are assholes. There is, after all, such a thing as a good religion, and adherents of these groups do much that is helpful--although probably not enough to neutralize the damage done by the massive hordes of holy assholes. But like anything else, good religion can become bad religion when it falls into the hand of the wrong people:
The holy asshole towers above all other assholes in two ways. First, they are able to call on both God and the devil to terrorize their enemies. They can therefore cloak their malice in divine righteousness and their curses in piety. As one of my recovering patients said, "I used to be really jealous of my pastor. He had God to help him promote guilt and the Devil to help him magnify fear. It was an unfair advantage."
Second, holy assholes believe it is their moral duty to spread their blight to everyone else. Most assholes are private people, who keep their trade secrets to themselves. This is not true of the holy asshole, who actively tries to convert other people into being holy assholes, too. They even do it door to door!
In dealing with holy assholes, of course, we must recognize two classifications:
It is not necessary to document assholism in evangelists--they expose themselves in the world media frequently enough as it is. But since many good people are probably shocked to learn that their own pastor, and many of the prominent members of their congregation or temple, may well be assholes, it may be helpful to examine the true hallmarks of the holy asshole.
These people will not only use the scripture of their particular faith to beat you over the head, they will also insist that only their narrow, dogmatic interpretation is correct. If you challenge them, then it is obvious that you have been influence by the Devil.
They will never admit it, of course, but holy assholes are also adept at making up quotes out of thin air and attributing them to scripture. They rely on the fact that believers will never question them, and nonbelievers have too little knowledge of scriptures to know any better. Like all assholes, they assume they can bluff their way through anything.
Professional holy assholes are often hypnotic in their speaking ability. In some cases, their public performances are so powerful they have been known to frighten rabid dogs and wilt geraniums. One of my patients, who used to be a follower of the Rev. Billy Willie, told our group: "He uses words like bullets and bombs. He acts as if God must consult him before He takes any major steps."
In his pamphlet, "The Money In Sanctimony," the Rev. Nasal Robertson claims, "The true Christian must fight the Devil everywhere--in every shadow, under every rock, and in every heart." The wisdom behind this advice is simple: if the true believer is busy fighting the Devil, he won't have the time to notice how much money Nasal is slipping into his own pockets.
"I know I haven't done God's work for the day unless I have inspired people to admit their multiple sins and confess their worthlessness. I want to see them cry and beg for forgiveness--the writhe in agony, weep in regret, and experience their total worthlessness. I want them to clean out everything bad, so that they can be born again."
Unfortunately, when holy assholes clean away everything bad, nothing is left. And so all they can do is repeat the cycle over and over again, with an orgy of sin followed by an orgy of repentance. If holy assholes did not invent guilt, hypocrisy, and sin, they certainly perfected them.
One of the cherished freedoms of a democratic society is the right to seek justice in a court of law. Under this concept, "the little person" has as much access to justice as a person with money, power, and position.
There is only one fly in the ointment of this theory: assholes. Shakespeare wrote, "The law's an ass." While this may or may not be true, the sad fact is that our legal system heavily rewards assholes.
In this country, any asshole can file a lawsuit against anyone he wants to harass, and force them to spend good money defending themselves. Facts and circumstances are not required--just malice and imagination. And so the courts become an attractive playground for just about any asshole.
The fastest way to lose a lawsuit is to believe that our court system is "fair," unless you are using this term to imply mediocrity. The second fastest way to lose a lawsuit is to hire a lawyer of ethics and integrity (if you could find one). It takes an asshole to fight assholes. Fair has nothing to do with it.
This is because assholes don't care about justice. If they did, they would stay out of the courts. They just want to be able to harass and frustrate their enemies--and their neighbours, co-workers, peers, and local government officials--and do it legally.
It is illegal in this country to slander or licel the reputation of another person. But any asshole who wants to slander you has only to do one thing--file a lawsuit against you in which he lists every slanderous charge he cares to make. If it is slander, he'll lose the lawsuit--but he will have accomplished his goal, all under the protection of the law.
Litigation is an asshole's dream. Assholes love to have someone to blame for every problem, and litigation is the perfect way to let all of society know who they blame for all of their ills and problems, real ir imagined. In our modern rush to litigate every possible wrong, assholes have started suing:
Soemtimes litigious assholes are just petty, such as the lawyer who sued his condo association because his neighbors didn't keep their dogs from pooping on his lawn. Justice slept, and apparently forgot that shit and assholes go together.
At other times, filing suit brings out the full rage and malice of the asshole. This is especially evident in divorce and child custody cases. There is apparently no known limit of taste and reason that an asshole won't exceed in order to get what he or she wants in one of these domestic disputes. Does the court step in and keep these indiscretions under control? Of course not. It is the right of the little person to be as big an asshole as anyone else, and the court vigilantly defends this right.
In dealing with the law, it is important to remember always that lawyers are a high risk group of assholes. It is therefore advisable never to trust a lawyer. If you take his advice, and then it does not work out, your lawyer will deny all responsibility for misleading you. And never rely on the fairness of the opposing lawyer. Lawyers are not paid to be fair. They are paid to protect their client's interests, by ruining yours.
Of course, lawsuits are not the only way the litigious asshole does his dirty work. Many laws and regulations can be enforced through local and state agencies. One well-researched complaint from an asshole neighbor may force you to move the fence you put up last year or the driveway you poured twenty years ago four inches to the right or the left, so that it will comply with zoning regulations.
Recently, activist assholes have found the law to be an invaluable weapon. A local neighbourhood can probably delay the city from routing a freeway through its heart for fifteen to twenty years--all at the expense of the taxpayers and the inconvenience of those who need the freeway. Conservation groups can now successfully bring billion-dollar-projects to a grinding halt, because they might endanger a snail.
The litigious asshole is never satisfied. The sky is never blue enough nor is water wet enough for his demanding tastes. Since these problems offend him, someone must be responsible--probably you!
One victim of a litigious asshole, sued 14 times in twoy ears, put it this way: "Hell hath no fury like an asshole with an attorney."
