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VHTRC - T.R.A.C. Warning!

The VHTRC will once again sponsor a trail run across the Commonwealth of Virginia (TRAC). This (T)rauma, (R)uination, (A)nd, (C)arnage should be avoided at all costs. The main problem is the broad band of low-life runners that return every year. The trail is marked incredibly well, including impenetrable and immovable concrete stone markers. Still, some idiots manage to get lost each year. The solution is to stay home. In addition to the real possibility you will get lost, is the likelihood of personal injury. Just in case, if you must come and run, first procure a personal lawyer.

Last year race management installed hand rails to help the flat-line EEG runners stay on the trail. This led to several of the runners getting nasty slivers leading to infection. Six fingers were lost, including traumatically, two middle ones. Take my word for it Slugs, it weren’t pretty. The other prominent injury was the first ever documented case of “sausage feet.” Day four of this trail run found one 42 year old flat on his butt, legs high in the air; bummed to be developing a terrific case of “little sizzlers” where his toes used to be. With toes burning, his feet and legs swelled enormously and looked like blue surgical gloves filled with lemon pie filling.

There is no way to tell how many mu-tants will be participating this year. Incredibly despite all VHTRC efforts the race seems to be gaining in popularity. Remember however, this event is not for the feint of heart. Entrants will be subjected to inadequate aid, vicious rabies-carrying wild dogs, and to top it off, remain sequestered for two nights in Front Royal, Virginia. Prospective out of state runners may not realize that Front Royal is a festering carbuncle on the rectum of America. The only safe place to be during this run is someplace else.

The normally prudent judgment of female runners was brought into question last year when two talented, but mentally bankrupt women, entered the fray. This historical first overturned the three year record of male morons only. Though they gave it the old college try, the women were eventually defeated by events outside of their control. The first victim was overcome by noxious odors from the male entrants and had to veer off the course to save her life. Stumbling into a ravine, tripping and rolling she was fortunate to land on a sleeping heifer. The second woman was hampered with skeletal damage. Apparently she was within earshot of John DeWalt and suffered funny bone damage from the lawyer jokes. She remains in therapy and hopes to recover.

Most Sluggishly
Dan “G-Man” Grayson