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cheerful |
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now
ok, so below is some entries i wrote on paper while i was gone. i actualy do this perdy often. i get to lazy to post in here with teh rest of my stuff though.
well first some current stuff.
i may be going to college for free. if i go to college as soon as i get out of high school, my mom can use her financial statis of 2002 wich is only making 15-20k that year after all the deductions and such. also if i did this it would be before the colleges get harder to get in... that might not happen till 2005 anyways though. i dont really know. anyways my moms income for 2002 is so low i should get a financaial aid to cover it all. and now that price isnt a problem i could look at some mroe schools other than metro state. although im not sure i could get in them. well see though i guess. first i still need to find out what the hell i want to do.
well, as i said below, my moms moving soon. she doesnt want to get evicted now though. if she gets evicted for not paying the bill, wich what were evicted for, than it screws up her credit. so shes trying to work some stuff out. either way were moving soon and ill have my horribly crappy small great room. we move wed.
um.. oh... relationships class. really stupid crappy class but sometimes we talk about things that interest me. slao define things such as love. the class seperated love from infatuation. that just sorta got me thinking. i duno. i guess ive just been somewhere between love and infatuation. er.. i duno. i think id just say ive been in love. even though i cant say all that was said for it was true. but most of it was. some wasnt though and fitted in infatuation but lots didnt fit in there. well.. yesums. i think that its probably like that for most people perdy often. not everythings perfect. id say lurve. yesums.
i have a buncha poems from long ago ive written and i dont think ive ever posted and im writting a new one thats going to be all er something. it starts off.. nevermind... ill just.. er.. something. ok. yesums.
um.. k.. the end.
oh. the person who gave me the OoOOoO caligrafy.. ka-lig-ra-fee (i spell good) chines thing that i thought was a praying thing.. ha... well she gave me a nifty lil chines box thinggy now and its sexy and i like it.
OOOHHOHOH OHOHOHO and tomorrow i get a boobie!!!
im sexy and people want to sexy me.
11/10/03
hahahahahhaaHA! brandon (not me) read old entries from allys dj. feb. entries. ha.. that was the worst time period for him to read. i didnt think anything of it at first but than i started thinking of the feb. period. i dont really care what other know but im sure ally does.
anyways i may be moving as soon as thuresday. we cant go to the new place till mon. though. were getting evicted. thats what my mom wanted though. it will cancle the lease so we wont have to pay for the rest of it.
i like my new room. its extremely small and crappy. i love it. it doesnt have a see-ling. just wood thinggies and wires er something. the walls are just un painted dry wall that has crappy big holes cut out for big crappy metal light switchs that dont have covers on them. i may paint the walls but im not sure how i want to. i was thinking stripes but i already have lots o strip things and it would have to be high contrast colors adn i dont want that dark of stuff on my walls. oh, also were not even sure my bed will fit in there. thats how small it is.
in conclusion, i like pink things; lemonaid, triangles, nipples, vaginas (eww... brown... eww)
11/8/03
what do i see myself as? im an idiot. im a failure. i can never make it. ive already reached my high point. things can only go down. i duno. maybe life can/will get better it ever has.
am i still an failure if im happy? isnt that all that really matters? im not that happy right now. i just make the best of things. sometimes i dont think its worth it and want to go away. but i dont. every day, i try to make the best of it.
a while ago, during lunch, for some reason i dont even remember anymore, i was sad. jamie asked what was wrong and tryed to comfort me. she said she didnt like seeing me depressed because im normaly the happy one. it was odd to hear that. i never knew of anyone to think of me as the happy one. even during the happiest momments of my life.
im an idiot. ive gone about things so wrong. its hard to say if i have anymore chances. ive had so many chances, in everything and so many i messed up. sure i have more chances but with the past there too, making everything harder.
when/if i get through college, ill have a bit of a new start with a good background. end of high school is a chance for a new start but not as good of a background. this stuff is mostly just job wise though of course.
im not even sure i can get into metro state anymore though. colorado state colleges have to many students so they are bumping up standards. im only almost there now. not even there 8\. just almost. theres always community college but that would just suck and it wouldnt look that good on a job application either.
i need to think some more about what the hell i want to do with my life. i really dont know about being a teacher. and computer things would be hard to stay up to date with possibly... most likely.
i dont really have much going for me. i dont know what i can do. i dont have the confidance for a lot either.
i just want a job that wont be tourture. something with other people. i want to be around lots of people so i can make friends. otherwise ima be such a loner outa school. ill rot and die.
i cant picture what things will be like in one year. where the hell will i be? i could still be living with my mom, could be in college, could have a well paying job, could be living on the streets. so easily could anything happen in a years time. could be with the one i love. ha. wouldnt that be great. theres just so much that can happen. sure im in control, for the most part, in what happens but i cant make the choices. im such a fucking failure.
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