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The Top Five Most Ridiculous Movies That I'm Thinking About Right Now |
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Movies. What don't they do for us, besides most things. At best, they inspire and enlighten us...but what about those movies that are left by the wayside? I'm talking about the ones that, though they may have marginal acting, special effects, and scripts, somehow manage to leave an impression upon us. That's why I decided to write this article, because I felt that instead of playing video games for several hours, I should give credit to the movies that, though they'd never win any Oscars, are nevertheless so incredibly ridiculous that they are impossible to ignore. As you might be able to gather from the title, I'm not saying that these are the most ridiculous movies of all time, just they're the most ridiculous movies that I happen to be thinking about right now. Maybe someday I'll make a sequel. Oh, and just so you know, in the article I spoil most of the endings of most of the movies. No. 5 Ridiculous Movie Wes Craven's Shocker (1989)
I know I don't have to worry about spoiling the ending for anyone, because no one is going to ever watch it, and besides it gives it away on the back of the video box. But get this. Both Jonathan and Pinker get sucked into a TV set and then they have this wacky chase scene where they run through all the channels...well more like they're badly superimposed over some shows...like, a western, this war movie, uhm...a Televangelist (played by Timothy Leary, weird) show, and then they come out into this fat lady's house (who quips "I've heard of audience participation shows...but this is ridiculous!" As we all know, no joke that ends with "but this is ridiculous!" could be bad.) Anyway, they go through some more shows, until they wind up in this room, where Jonathan traps Pinker by "pausing" him with a remote. Then Jonathan puts his girlfriend's locket (love, remember?) on a TV camera that is in there, and jumps into the camera somehow, Pinker is trapped, movie over, and that's when you go to the video store to demand your money back. The funny thing about this movie is that the first part of it is made up to be all serious-like, and then THIS is sprung on us? Make up your own pun involving the word "shocker" here. Who is more twisted, Horace Pinker or Wes Craven? As a side note, Shocker co-stars John Tesh as news anchor and Ted Raimi as Pac Man.
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Ridiculous Movie No. 4 House II The first House movie has George Wendt in it. You should know him as Norm from Cheers. The second has John Ratzenberger in it, who was Norm's sidekick on Cheers. But I digress. House II is a crappy sequel to a bad movie, but it has one of the most bizarre scenarios in it, which is what inspired me to include it in this article. The first House movie was about this guy, who moved into a haunted house, and was attacked by Richard Moll (Bull Shannon from TV's Night Court) in a rubber costume. Now that I think about it, the second movie isn't really a sequel at all, it's just another movie with a haunted house and someone from Cheers in it, and I wouldn't really recommend either one of them. Ok. So the plot of House II is like this. These two guys dig up a lovable old west grandpa zombie, who sits around a lot. And there's this crystal ball in their house, that this evil guy wants. So, a bunch of stuff happens, and then comes the "bizarre scenario" that I was talking about. Thanksgiving dinner - around the table are two guys, the zombie old west grandpa, a baby pterodactyl, a giant caterpillar with a puppy dog's face, and an aztec virgin maiden. I can't remember why and I'm not going to rent this again. Now I'm gonna go, and not think about this movie anymore.
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No. 3 Ridiculous Movie Crippled Masters (a.k.a. "Fighting Life") 1984
The one guy, has no arms, but he does have a little flipper like thing, that he uses to hold a staff, that he can smash watermelons in two with. They learn kung-fu from an old man, beat up a fat guy in a bar, and have a big run-in with a ninja who has a metal plate stuck in his head. They steal a box full of jade horses that enable them to learn magic kung-fu. To tell you the truth, I don't know what to think of this movie. I guess it's bound to capture some sort of perverse fascination, somewhere. Make up your own mind, if you can find this video...
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No. 2 Ridiculous Movie Piņata - Survival Island (2002) Cool! They
finally made a movie about a piņata that comes alive and starts attacking
everyone around.
Flash forward to 2002 - some spoiled college kids are
playing around on boats, going to the island henceforth to be known as
Survival Island, where they have a full day's activities planned, i.e.
collecting panties that are strewn all over the island, everybody handcuffed
together in pairs. It's a panties scavenger hunt. Everything is going fine until one pair manages to
get free of their handcuffs and then they smoke some reefer. The girl
sees a leg sticking out of some pond water...whatever could it be? Yep
it's the piņata, she pulls it out, they smash it, and it comes alive!! Originally, the movie was all filmed with someone inside a latex monster costume. But then some genius thought it would be better if they computer animated the piņata a whole bunch. The result is really stupid. Half the time, the piņata is a latex costume monster. The rest of the time, the piņata is a CGI thing that sort of resembles the latex costume. What the hell. Towards the end of the movie, the piņata somehow morphs into a flying piņata beast. Another hilarious, yet mildly irritating thing about the piņata, is that every time the piņata is hot on the trail of a college kid, the piņata cam (somehow related to the Predator-cam) comes on. It looks like this and is annoying
. Don't get me wrong, Pinata - Survival Island is probably worth watching, just so that you can know for sure that a movie this ridiculous actually exists.
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No. 1 Ridiculous Movie Rock'n'Roll Nightmare (1987)
Cut to Thor's metal band, the Tritonz, taking a practice vacation at some
house, with a big barn where their band practices. Once they're there,
people start taking off their clothes and gettin' it on. Here is some
actual, relevant screenwriter's commentary. > hey thor, who's idea was it to put so much It was all my idea... besides my ass looks Ok, so then girls start turning into demonbeasts, and Thor's
band members begin to disappear at times when they should be all practicing.
It's because they're DEAD! Haha! Then they all drop off except
for Thor, who's still alive. And about the last 15 minutes of
Caution - The Twist Ending is Revealed Here 
Twist endings are so good...they really give you something
to think about. The ending to Rock'n'Roll Nightmare is probably
the most ridiculous ever written, I really mean it. As Thor is sitting
at the desk, writing his next magnum opus, or the script for Rock'n'Roll
Nightmare II, one of the female characters (Randy) wants to get it on
with Thor. Then Thor keeps saying "whatever you say, Bub!
whatever you say, BUB! whatever you say, If you ever want to be really amused, rent this movie.
It is sooo good. Soooo good. I couldn't recommend it more. |
At first, this movie seems to be, you know, really nothing all that
special. It's about this weirdo TV repairman, Horace Pinker, who kills a
bunch of people, and then winds up killing star football player Jonathan's
girlfriend, and then Horace and Jonathan keep having weird run-ins, both in
real life and in weird voodoo mumbo jumbo dream sequences. When you
can't really explain how or why something is happening, just assume it's
magic, that's what I always say. Anyway, Horace Pinker, who is
essentially a crappier version of Freddy Krueger (well, this -is- a
Wes Craven movie after all) is finally caught and is on his way to the
electric chair, and while waiting, performs a magic voodoo ritual in his
cell (the guards obviously should've confiscated
his collection of black candles) that gives him some sort of voodoo ability
to transcend death, and possess people, in spirit form. Okay, yada yada yada,
bunch of stuff happens, Pinker comes and tries to get Jonathan, and the
ghost of Jonathan's girlfriend is there, and she blasts some sort of
love-beam from her chest (Wes Craven ripping off CareBears? That is
low) that forces Pinker to retreat. But he'll be back! Muwahaha!
Anyway, through this it is revealed that Pinker's one weakness, his Achilles' heel if you will, is the power of love,
which I'm no one will feel towards this movie. So then, a more bunch
of stuff happens, Jonathan's locket (Pinker's kryptonite) gets thrown into a
lake, Pinker possesses a little girl who cusses for cheap laughs, a
nerd gets killed, and Pinker sticks his fingers into an electric socket that
turns him into PURE ENERGY and allows him to travel around on electrical
currents. Then Jonathan hatches the brilliant scheme that sets up the ending
of the movie, that makes Shocker truly ridiculous.
This is
like...the most extreme in exploitative cinema. The major premise of
this movie is you've got two Chinese guys, one's got no arms, the other's
got no legs. But together, they're the Crippled Master! This
flick is somewhat hard to find and is obviously un-PC.
Seriously? The plot
for this movie couldn't be more ridiculous. The film begins with a
tribal chief's solemn narrative about how his village was suffering from
drought and everyone is dying, and it's all because everyone is really evil,
or something. So the guy does the only thing to do in times like that
- he makes piņatas. He keeps going on and on about piņatas. He
says the word "piņata" so damn seriously that it's hard not to laugh.
Anyway, the reason he's making these piņatas is so he can perform a ritual;
cleansing the whole village, he removes the evil from each person, and puts
it in the piņata marked "evil." The other piņata isn't evil, so they
smash it, and eat candy. The evil piņata is sent downriver, where no
one will ever find it...or WILL THEY?!?
Chaos ensues, as the piņata starts killing everyone it can get its hands on.
If only real life could be this good.
Where
am I supposed to begin with this one. Oh, this movie is so funny, I
like it a lot. The one thing you should know about Rock'n'Roll
Nightmare is that it was written by and stars John-Mykel Thor, Canadian
heavy metal legend extraordinaire. Thor absolutely rules. Who
can bend a giant steel bar? Thor! Who can blow up a hot water
bottle with pure lung power? Thor can! Anyway, enough about Thor
for now. Nightmare begins as some lady is in a kitchen, is
attacked by her oven, and is transformed into a
grisly, smoking skeleton. I don't know if this scene is
more hokey or confusing, and I'm still not sure what this has to do with the
rest of the movie. 
the movie are
probably the best. Thor is sitting at a desk, thinking hard about
something, and drinking a can of coke. Then this sock puppet thing
sticks its head onto the desk, as though it were about to do something
malicious, and as though it weren't a mere sock puppet. Thor doesn't
see it, but he puts his coke can down on the desk, right on top of the sock
puppet's hand! And then the sock puppet makes its best possible pained
expression...priceless.
BEELZEBUB!" whereat Randy transforms into her true form, Satan,
accompanied by a big cloud of smoke. What? Then Thor transforms
into HIS true form, Triton the archangel (apparently Thor gets his mythology
mixed up a bit. And, the transformation is not very dramatic...Thor's
hair gets teased a bit more, and he's got less clothes on, but that's about
it). WHAT?? The whole plot, the whole thing was just a ruse of
illusions made up by Triton to trick the devil into coming out of hiding for
an epic battle! Said epic battle begins with about a minute of footage
of someone throwing rubber starfishes at Triton from offstage, and him
pretending like they're attacking him. Then Beelzebub, which really
looks like a coat rack covered with a plastic bag and a Halloween mask on
top, only less mobile, has a five minute grappling session with Triton,
while Thor's We Accept the Challenge blasts in the background.
Of course, Triton
wins, and good prevails over evil. Besides, a coat rack cannot beat up
a man who can bend a steel bar in his teeth.