"Eat shit, Ferrigno."
Danny's Beef With The Hulk
By Danny Damnation

The famous photo that made Ferrigno a man again for half-a-second.

Hi guys. Today we'll be talking about Lou Ferrigno. For those of you who don't know, Lou played the Jeckyl to Bill Bixby's Hyde -- The Incredible Hulk.

That green goliath gave me faith in the world, even though his rage overwhelmed me a little. But I always knew that if I did cross paths with The Hulk, it wouldn't be as a threat, but as a friend -- "That boy, he's- he's- befriended the emerald beast!!"

Boy, was I dead-wrong.

Johnny Vicious and I were doing autographs at the recent Toronto Comic Convention -- these geeks paid us two hundred and fifty big ones each just to come and crack a wise about the old days and sign a bunch of old DAW paraphenalia. Some asshole had me sign a frayed old Danny Damnation '94: Grunge Will Never Die t-shirt. -- I loved that design.

Above: Danny Damnation and Johnny Vicious sign autographs, shake hands, and make some lucky young fan the happiest girl in the world.

Came up with the phrase myself.

After slipping off for a few drinky-winkies in the bathroom, I took a few moments to see what other superstars the 45-year-old Pokemon fans had brought in for signings. A few television writers, somebody from Buffy: The Vampire Slayer, and-- at first I wasn't sure who I was looking at. It took a moment to click.
The Incredible Hulk, the blockbuster film, had just reached it's peak. Ferrigno saw his opportunity and moved in like a barrel-chested buzzard, hawking glossy signed pics of him in his prime and a few decked out as The Hulk. I would never sell myself so quick and cheap to make a buck -- I don't need the money, myself, I made a killing off DAW and my film career is still red-hot. I just make these public appearances to keep myself fresh in the public's mind..and..Ah, who am I kidding -- I still love seeing the kids. I mean really, haven't I always done it for those little guys? And as for Lou's reasoning? Forget it -- you've got to pay the bills, and I expect it takes plenty of bills to maintain a big machine like Ferrigno.

He looked up as I approached. I extended my hand to greet him as he stood from his chair and started to move around his table to shake my hand.
A flashbulb went off in my face and I turned to see a man in a grey suit -- it was Harry Brackerman, the newsman from The Post.
"Could make a nice photo op, Danny!" Brackerman announced, grabbing the attention of about fifteen other pressmen.
"How about a nice cover shot, Brackerman?" I shouted back, smugly.
"Not in my magazine!" He replied, and the room erupted in chuckles. I always knew how to work the press.
But then, for reasons yet to be known, Ferrigno speaks up: "No, Mr.Brackerman, let's do it," He said in his not-quite-Schwarzeneggerian accent. "The Times can headline it: Incredible Hulk Meets The Incredible Waste Of Time."

Could Lou be 'green with envy' over the immense power that Danny Damantion retains?.

Eveybody cracks up -- and I'm so taken aback by Lou's aggression that I have no time to react honestly -- and i start laughing too, as if Lou and I are just good old friends and this is some kind of running gag we have. But I knew, right there, that he had made me look like an asshole. Before I even had time to dream up a 'you big palooka' insult, he snatched my limp hand out of the air with his gruff stone claw and began to squeeze. He looked right into those popping, flashing cameras, and grinned: "Now who's the dummy?"
"Eat shit, Ferrigno!" I scowled, raising my voice over the crisp sounds of crunching bones. I didn't know what his beef was, but I wasn't going to back down. It didn't hurt that much -- after all, for reasons I won't get into now, I have an iron-plated fist (I believe those of you on the net who follow DAW have dubbed it "The Ironfist"). I wasn't worried about Lou's grip -- sure, it pinched the skin a little at first, and that's when the cameras caught me in the midst of a 'yowl'.
But it was after the cameras stopped clickling that things got real interesting -- I took a stronger stance and glared at Ferrigno. I didn't like what I saw in his eyes.It was all Bixby!!"
Suddenly Ferrigno threw down my hand with a grunt and walked away, never to return for the rest of the convention.

You know what really pisses me off about the whole incident? Everybody got a snap of Danny squealing in pain, but nobody seemed to catch a shot of me making the big man quiver. That's a media bias, kids -- repression of the truth. I don't care if the media is liberal or conservative -- they stab me in the back every chance they get.

And that is my beef with The Hulk.

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