Here are some REMARKABLY STUPID directions from real products...
On a bar of Dial bath bar...
Directions: Use like regular soap.
On a bag of Fritos...
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a Korean kitchen knife...
Warning: Keep out of children.
On a package of Sunmaid raisins...
Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal?
A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father of the baby. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch..
In a small town in England, there is a small store. And in the store is a magic Mirror of Truth. If you go up to it and tell the truth, you get a shiny piece of gold. But if you lie, you disappear.
A very ugly brunette came in, stood in front of the Mirror of Truth and said, "I think I am the prettiest woman in all of England!" And poof, she disappeared.
Next came a fat, redhead. She stood before the Mirror of Truth and said, "I think I am the prettiest woman in all of England." Poof! She disappeared!
Then a drop-dead gorgeous Blonde came into the store. She stood before the Mirror of Truth and said, "I think..." Poof! She disappeared.
A man was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositories.
A week later, the man was back at the doctor's complaining that his constipation had gotten worse, not better.
The doctor asked, "Have you been taking the suppositories?"
"What do you think I've been doing," said the fellow, "Shoving them up my butt?"
MORE Rejected Children's Book Titles
1. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
2. Strangers Have the Best Candy
3. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
4. You Were an Accident
5. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
6. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
7. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
8. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
Beethoven's Ninth
(CAUTION: this joke is really stupid and we
recommend you not bother to read it)
The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do.
Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a drink. After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch. "Hey! We need to get back!" he cried.
"No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."
A few moments later, the drunk musicians staggered back into the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra.
About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy. She pointed this out to her date.
"Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."
A man won a ticket to the Super Bowl, but when he got there, he was very disappointed. He was on the far left, at the back. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than he was to the field.
But halfway through the first quarter, he spotted an empty 50-yard-line seat that had to be the best seat in the house. He went down to the empty seat and said to the guy sitting beside it, "Is anyone sitting here?"
"Nope" the guy replied.
So the man sat down, and about 30 minute later, he couldn't resist saying, "Man! This is an awesome seat! Whoever gave it up must be CRAZY!"
The guy sitting next to him replied, "Well, actually, that was supposed to be my wife's seat, but she died."
The man, feeling like a total jerk said, "Oh, that's awful, but couldn't you have asked a relative to come with you?"
"No", said the guy. "They're all at the funeral."
Rejected Children's Book Titles
1. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
2. Your Nightmares Are Real
3. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
4. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
5. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
Rejected Children's Book Titles
1. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
2. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
3. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
4. All Cats Go to Hell
5. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
Bill Gates was killed in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God...
Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"
Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"
God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you."
Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell.
It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect.
Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"
"Fine," said God and off they went.
Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think prefer Hell," he told God.
"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.
Bill responded, his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"
God says, "That was the screen saver".
One day, an Indian boy asked his mother, "Mom, how did I get my name?"
The mother replied, "I get all my children's names from the first thing I see on the way to the hospital. Like your brother Running Deer and your sister Flowing Creek. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Pee?"
A man walks into a doctor's office and says, "I've got a strawberry stuck up my butt." And the doctor says, "I've got some cream for that."
Men are like plungers...
they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
Rejected Children's Book Titles
1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
Ways to say someone is stupid...
The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
One fry short of a Happy Meal.
It's hard to believe that he beat 100,000 other sperm.
One day a blonde and a brunette were watching the 6:00 evening news. On the news was a boy at the top of a building getting ready to jump. The blonde says out loud "I don't think he will jump."
The brunette responds by saying "I'll bet you $5 he will jump."
"Well I bet you $50 he won't jump," the blonde retorts.
"You're on!!" says the brunette.
After some time the boy finally jumps. The blonde pays up. As the brunette is walking out the door she turns around and says "I can't take this money from you. I saw the whole thing on the 5:00 evening news."
The blonde says "So did I, but I didn't think he would do it again."
A cop saw a car driving erratically and pulled the driver over. "Sir, I need you to breath in this breathalizer for me," said the policeman.
The guy said, "I can't do that, office. I'm an asthmatic. If I do that, then I'll have a really big asthma attack."
The cop said, "Okay, then I need you to come down to the station with me and we'll do some blood work."
The guy said, "I can't do that either. I'm a hemophiliac. If I do that, then I will bleed to death."
The cop said, "Fine. Then I need a urine sample from you."
The guy replied, "I can't do that either. I'm diabetic. If I do that then my sugar will get REALLY LOW and I may die."
The cop then said, "Okay, okay! Then I need you to step out of the car and walk this white line."
The guy said, "Sorry, but I can't do that either."
The frustrated cop said, "Why not!?"
The guy said, "Because I'm drunk."
"Doctor," an old man complained, "I can't pee."
"Hmmm," contemplated the doctor, "How old are you?"
"Eighty-seven" the old man replied.
"Well, haven't you peed enough?"
Hillary Clinton dies and goes to Heaven where she meets St. Peter. She notices that there are clocks everywhere. She asks St. Peter why are there so many clocks here. St. Peter tells her that each clock represents a person on earth and that every time a person tells a lie, the clock ticks off one second.
St. Peter explains that the one clock has never moved because it belonged to Mother Theresa and she never told a lie her whole life. The next clock belonged to Abraham Lincoln and since he only told two lies his whole life, only two seconds had clicked. Hillary asks, "Where is Bill's clock?"
St. Peter says, "Bill's clock is upstairs in God's office. He's using it as a fan."
There was an airplane with 4 people on it -- the pilot, a minister, the smartest man in the world, and a boyscout. The plane starts to go down, but there were only 3 parachutes.
The pilot says, "I'm the most important man on this plane because I can report the crash." So he takes a parachute and jumps off.
The smartest man in the world says, "I'm the second most important man on this plane because my head is so full of important knowledge." So he takes a parachute a jumps off."
The minister says, "Go ahead, lad, and take the last parachute. I'm old and ready to die."
The boyscout says, "That won't be necessary sir, because you see the smartest man in the world just jumped off with my backpack."
Sven and Ole worked together, and both were laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office.
Asked his occupation, Ole said "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties."
The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.
Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he said.
Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave Sven $600 a week.
When Ole found out he was furious. He stormed back into find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained: panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters were skilled labor.
"What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on, Sven pulls on it and says, "Yep, diesel fitter."
A kindergarten teacher decides she’s going to teach her students a lesson about the five senses. She wants to start with taste, so she brings in flavored sucking candies to class, blindfolds the children, and asks them to taste each one. The students have no problem identifying the cherry, lemon, and lime flavors, but when it comes to the honey sucker, they’re stumped.
“I’ll give you a hint,” the teacher says. “You may hear your mommies and daddies call each other this flavor at home.”
“Spit ’em out! Spit ’em out!” cries one child. “They’re assholes!”
Yo momma's teeth are so yellow traffic slows down when she smiles!
Yo momma's glasses are so thick that when she looks on a map she can seen people waving.
Yo momma's so poor, when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said, "Moving."
Yo momma so poor when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers!!!
One day, three guys went flying in a small airplane. For a joke, they dropped an apple out the window.
When they landed, they saw a man laughing heartily. They asked him, "What's the matter?" The man replied, "An apple came out of nowhere and hit me on the head!!"
The next day, they went flying again. This time they dropped a banana out the window. When they landed, they saw another man laughing like crazy! They asked him why he was laughing. He replied "A banana came out of nowhere and hit me on the head!"
The following day, they decided to drop a hand grenade out the window! After they landed, they were amazed to see a man laughing uncontrollably! They asked him "What's the matter?" The man replied, "I farted and that 7-Eleven blew up!"
There was a sloth that had just been mugged by a group of snails. On the way to the police station, the officer started asking questions like they always do. The first question was what did the snails look like? The Sloth replied, "I don't remember it all happened so fast!"
Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends
A rich business buys the world's fastest and most expensive car, the Tri-Turbo Convertible Fantasy. It costs over $1 million. Eager to play with his new toy, the executive takes it for a spin.
At the first stop light, an old man rides up next to the Fantasy on an old scooter. Without an invitation, the old man sticks his head in the car and says, "Quite a ride you got here - how fast will she go?"
"About 270," answers the executive.
"No way," says the old man.
Just then, the light turns green and the executive decides to show the old man what the car can do. He floors it, and within seconds the car is doing 270.
But suddenly, he notices in his rear view mirror a dot that seems to be getting closer and closer, so he comes to a stop.
Then, whooooooooooosh, something goes flying by.
"What the heck was that?" says the executive. "What can go faster than my fantasy?"
Suddenly, the same blur comes racing back toward him, and whoooooosh, passes right by. This time the executive got a better look and could have sworn it looked like the old man on the scooter.
"That just couldn't be," he says to himself.
Suddenly, he sees it again in his rear view mirror and wham! It smashes into the back of the Fantasy.
The executive jumps from his car, and sure enough, it's the old man on the scooter that crashed into him.
"Are you okay?" asks the executive. Is there anything I can do for you?
"Yes," replied the old man, "unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror, please."
It was George the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years
of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same
neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route,
he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly
congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift
envelope.
At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine
cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific
fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly
beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by
the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to
the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate
love he had ever experienced!
When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a
giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry
waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly
satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was
pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the
cup's bottom edge.
"All of this was just too wonderful for words." He said, "But
what's the dollar for"?
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today
would be your last day, and that we should do something special
for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said, "Screw him.
Give him a dollar." "The breakfast was my idea!!"
lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long
flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if
she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take
a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to
catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the
game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a
question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and
visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some
sleep.
The lawyer, now some what agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't
know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I
will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he
will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention
and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless
she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from
the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches
in to her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up
a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer
looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop
computer and searches all his references. He taps into the
Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of
Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his coworkers and
friends. All to no avail.
After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The
blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to
sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the
blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word,
the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes
back to sleep.
19 Fun Things to Do In The Public Bathroom
1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your
neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence
with a bodily function noise
4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shoot! My glass eye!"
6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a
cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh
relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it
erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while
yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"
11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of
toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor.
Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?
13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!
14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"
15. Say, "Darn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small.
Now what am I gonna do?"
16. Play a well known drum cadence over and oven again on your
butt cheeks
17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your
"Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to
the adjacent stall.
18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it
so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing
"Born Free."
Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the
students if anyone can give him an example of a "TRAGEDY". One
little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend who lives
next door was playing in the street when a car came along and
killed him, that would be a TRAGEDY." "No," Clinton says, "That
would be an ACCIDENT."
A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children
drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved... that would be a
TRAGEDY." I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we
would call a GREAT LOSS." The room is silent; none of the other
children volunteer. "What?" asks Clinton. "Isn't there any one
here who can give me an example of a TRAGEDY?"
Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he
speaks: "If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton were
blown up by a bomb, that would be a TRAGEDY." "Wonderful!"
Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be
a TRAGEDY?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an ACCIDENT, and
it certainly would be no GREAT LOSS!"
A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus.
When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling
humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and
he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth
move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.
The case came before the court, and when asked why he acted in
such a manner, the man replied, "When the lady boarded the bus I
couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an
advertisement which read, 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins.'
Then she moved under one that read, 'Sloans Liniments Remove
Swelling.' I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving
advertisement which read, 'William's Stick Did The Trick.' Then
I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move
she sat under an advertisement which read, 'Dunlop Rubber would
have prevented this accident.'" He won the case.
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.
"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"
"Amen," replied the congregation.
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion
for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met
a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would
marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the
marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up beans.
Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his
birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down.
Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her
that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way
home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked
beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk
he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home.
It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and
before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.
All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he
felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed
somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most
wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a
blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the
table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was
beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was
about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again
made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she
went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the
opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was
not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time
breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about
him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came
on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel
engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he
tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would
dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon
winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a
minute later the flowers on the table were dead.
With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells
he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top
of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when
his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if
he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not
peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated
around the table for his surprise birthday party.
Lil' Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad
says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the
breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is
the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the
Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call
you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class.
Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about
this and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has
said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and
runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled.
So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound
asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees
his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to
bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I
think I understand what politics is now."
"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the
Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are
being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly
speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The
monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on
the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I
start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the
beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He
proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after
mass, he found the following note on his door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey,
don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10.We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11.When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take
this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
12.The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the
Cherry".
13.The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub,
thanks for the grub, yeah God". and finally...
14.Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at
St.Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
When I was younger I hated going to weddings ...
it seemed that all of my aunts and the
grandmotherly types used to come up to me,
poking me in the ribs and cackling,
telling me, 'You're next.'
They stopped that shit after I started doing
the same thing to them at funerals.
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced
each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from
Heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them,
"that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring
you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do
anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel
brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for
the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling,
laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the
two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking
knowingly.
Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male
statue and said, "Great! Only this time YOU hold the pigeon down
and I'LL shit on its head."
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would
like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy
insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and
meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to
meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the
girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you
were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was
a pharmacist."
A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for
his chicken coop. The young rooster walks over to the old
rooster and says, "Ok, old fellow, time to retire."
The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens . . .
look at what it did to me!" The young rooster replies, "Now,
don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step
aside and the young to take over, so take a hike."
The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon . . . just let me have the two
old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you."
The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm
taking over!" the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says
to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll
have a race around the farmhouse with you. Whoever wins the race
gets domain of the chicken coop."
The young rooster says, "You know I'm going to beat you, old
man, so just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head
start."
They line up in back of the farm house, get a chicken to cluck
"Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds
later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the
front of the farm house and the young rooster is only about 5
inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer,
sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his
shotgun and BOOM!, he blows the young rooster to bits. He sadly
shakes his head and says, "Dammit, third gay rooster I bought
this week!"
When man was created, all parts of the body argued who should be
boss.
The brain said he should be boss since he controlled all
thoughts.
The eyes said he should be boss since without him, man wouldn't
be able to see.
The legs then countered this by saying that it was him that
brought man wherever he wanted to go.
The stomach argued that it was him that provided nutrition for
the whole body and he should be boss.
Then the asshole applied for the job.The other parts laughed so
hard that the asshole got angry and closed up for a week. The
stomach got upset, the legs went wobbly, the brain started to go
wonky and the eyes got crossed. Finally, they conceded that the
asshole will be the boss.
This proves that you don't have to be a brain to be a boss, just
an asshole.
Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde
jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days
later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped
her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute woolly
creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many
sheep you have, can I take one?"
The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course."
The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason
said, "352."
This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably,
totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to
my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."
The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally
picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of
the others.
When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K.,
now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair
color, can I have my dog back?
A guy wanted to buy a gift for his new girl friend's birthday
and as they had only started dating, after careful
consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the
right note: personal, but not too personal. Accompanied by the
girl friend's younger sister, he went to Herrod's and bought a
pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for
herself. During the wrapping, however, the clerk got the items
mixed up and the sister got the gloves and the girl friend got
the panties. The guy sent the package to the girl friend with
the following note:
I chose these because I noticed you are not in the habit of
wearing any in the evening. If it had not been for your sister,
I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she
wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a
delicate shade, but the sales clerk that helped me has a pair
that she has been wearing for the past three weeks and they are
hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked
really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the
first time, as no doubt other hands will come into contact with
them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them
off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they
will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how
many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you
will wear them for me Friday night.
All my love.
PS: The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little
fur showing.
The following from a Florida newspaper:
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife
was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine
on the motorcycle and somehow the motorcycle slipped into gear.
The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a
glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside
the house.
The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room and found
her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the
motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The
wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance. Because they
lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several
flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to
her husband.
After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the
hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it
outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife
obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw
the towels in the toilet.
The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come
home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door
and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent,
went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a
cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between
his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her
husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her
husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away
and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs
and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an
ambulance.
The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at
the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher
and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down
the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the
paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself.
She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one
of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell
down the remaining steps and broke his arm.
Now, THAT is a bad day
There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled
up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began
dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,"
said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence.
Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he
thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to
investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for
you." He knew what it was. "Oh, my goodness!" he shuddered, "It's Satan
and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!"
He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come quick!" he said, "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St.
Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls." The old man said,
"Shoo, you brat! Can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is!"
After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard, "One for
you, one for me. One for you, one..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've
been tellin' the truth! Let's see if we can see the Devil himself."
Shivering with fear, they edged toward the fence, still unable to see
anything, but they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for
me. And one last one for you. That's all. Let's go get those nuts by the
fence, and we'll be done."
They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before the boy!
One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said,
"Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married
to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and
her name is Susan.
After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk
with you." "Look at your mother, George. She and I have been
married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she
has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to
fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half
sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
George was broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually
started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very
proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in
June."
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and
broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half sister too, George. I'm
awfully sorry about this."
George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with
the news his father had shared.
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get
married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, dad tells
me the girl is my half sister."
"Heheh," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "don't pay any
attention to what he says. He's not really your father."
Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over
and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !"
"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.
"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her
home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we
were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in
the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and
hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"
"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.
"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the
customer went on.
"When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're
naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy
son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"
"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a
lousy mood."
"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me.
Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when
they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window.
And where does it land? My damned forehead!"
"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.
"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when
the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet
is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose
right on my head !"
The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what
REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw
that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"
An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long
illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and
looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've got some bad news for
you...you have the cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you
two weeks to a month." Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news,
but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from
the doctor's office into the waiting room.
There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we
Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things
don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have
cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for
the pub and have a few pints."
After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less
somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were
eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked
what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish
celebrate the good and the bad...He went on to tell them that
they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends
"I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with
AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a
couple more beers.
After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered
his confusion, "Dad I thought you said that you were dying from
cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from
AIDS?" Murphy said, "I am dying from cancer son, I just don't
want any of them sleeping with your mother."
There was a man named Bubba and Bubba knew EVERYONE in the whole
world!!
Once when Bubba got a new job, he says to his new boss, "Boss, I
know everyone in the whole world!" His boss doesn't believe him,
so he says "No you do not know everyone in the whole world" but
Bubba says "Yes I do!" so Bubba's boss says "Well prove it!"
then Bubba says "Pick someone and I know them!"
Well Bubba's boss thinks for a minute and then comes up with a
name.
"Tom Selleck! I bet you don't know Tom Selleck!" Bubba say "Tom
Selleck! Tom and I were in boy scouts together when we were
kids!" but Bubba's boss says "No you weren't!" then Bubba says
"Yes we were!" so they fly to Hollywood and drive up to Tom
Selleck's house. Bubba knocks on the door and Tom Selleck
answers and Bubba says "Tom!!!" and Tom says "Bubba!" and they
hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba's boss can't believe
it. But then he thinks "Well that could happen, it's just one
person," so he tells Bubba and Bubba says "OK, pick somebody
else!"
This time Bubba's boss has someone in mind! "The president, Bill
Clinton! You don't know Bill Clinton!" but Bubba says "Oh yes I
do! Bill and I were on debate team together in college!" Bubba's
boss says "No you weren't!" and Bubba says "Yes we were!" So
they fly to Washington and they catch up with the President at a
press conference. They work their way through the crowd until
Bubba gets close enough to catch Clinton's eye and waves "Bill!"
and the President waves "Bubba!" and after the press conference
they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba's boss is stunned
- he can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well that's just two
people in one country - that doesn't mean he knows everyone in
the whole world!" so he tells Bubba and Bubba says "OK, pick
someone out of the world spectrum and I know them!"
And Bubba's boss knows just who to pick so he says "The Pope!
You do not know the Pope!" and Bubba says "The Pope! The Pose
BAPTIZED me!" and Bubba's boss says "No he didn't!" and Bubba
says "Yes he did!" So they fly to Rome where the Pope is giving
Mass in front of hundreds of thousands of people. They work
their way through the crowd - without much luck - so Bubba says
"Boss, we're never gonna get there together through all these
people so I tell you what - I'll work my way up there and when I
do, I'll give you a sign that show you I know the Pope!" and he
leaves. Well Bubba's boss waits and waits and waits and just
when he's about to give up, he sees the Pope come out onto the
balcony and right there beside him is Bubba!
Shortly afterwards, Bubba's boss passes out. Bubba comes back
and finds his boss passed out and he fans him and says "Boss!
Boss! Wake up!" and when his boss comes to, he asks "Boss what
happened?" Bubba's boss looks at Bubba and says, "OK, I can see
Tom Selleck. I can see Bill Clinton and I can even take the
Pope! But when somebody standing next to me asks
'Who's that up there with Bubba?', that's a little more than I
can take!"
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