Memory In Mind

Chapter Six

“That was Giles,” Faith sighed and fixed her eyes on the discoloured ceiling.

Buffy crawled over to the prone girl, lying almost completely on top of her. She stretched a possessive leg over Faith and began playing with a soft lock of her luscious dark hair, as if they had been together for as long as they’d known each other. As if everything was fine, nothing different, nothing out of the ordinary. Faith supposed to Buffy that it did indeed seem that way.

“What did he say?” Buffy twirled the length of hair around her fingers.

“He. . .he said he knows what’s going on, and that we should get down there as soon as possible” Faith began to move from the bed, not wanting to grow too comfortable with the recent enjoyable turn of their relationship.

“Can’t we just. . .ya know, do what we were gonna do first?” Buffy pouted, and it would have melted Faith at any other time, but right now she had to be the stronger one. For a change, she had to be responsible, as much as she hated that word.

“As much as I’d love to, we’d better go. I’m gonna get a shower.” Faith untangled herself from Buffy, who already looked like she was going into major sulk mode.

Faith left the sulking blonde in the bedroom, as she got undressed, turned the shower on, and got in. After soaping herself down and washing her hair as fast as she could, Faith placed her palms flat on the wall in front of her as she relented under the hot spray of the shower. As the water cascaded over her powerful body, she tried to shut out the cracks in the tiles, the mould on the shower curtain. The disaster that her life seemed to constantly be.

Faith wanted to still her mind and relax the tension running through her. She didn’t like complications, and she hated feeling like she had no control over anything. Which apparently she didn’t as she heard the bathroom door creak open.

Buffy pulled back the shower curtain a little way and stepped in behind Faith, not finding it necessary to ask permission it seemed. Not that Faith could say she objected. Taking a shower with Buffy had definitely been one of her more frequent little fantasies she’d had about them.

“I though we might save time this way, as you’re in such a rush and all,” Buffy said with a wink.

The sarcasm wasn’t lost on Faith, but she didn’t mind, not with Buffy’s arms currently snaking their way around her.

The two slayers stood unmoving for a little while, both just enjoying the warmth of the water, and each other; their naked bodies pressed firmly together. The feel of Buffy’s breasts up against her back, and the tickle of her pubic hair on her toned backside was doing nothing to ease the tension Faith was feeling.

She was getting turned on again, even though Buffy wasn’t actually doing anything but stand behind her. Faith took a deep slow breath, attempting to ease her body away from the ideas running rampant in her brain. They didn’t have time for them to do what she so wanted to do.

Before she could even stop the thoughts from entering her head Buffy began trailing her right hand across Faith’s flat stomach, causing her to tense the compact muscles there. She closed her eyes as lips brushed her shoulder blades. The heat of the bathroom seemed to intensify when Buffy’s hand reached up to cup her full breast.

“B, we gotta go.” Faith did her best to ignore the sensations Buffy’s fingertips were causing as she pinched her hard nipple, pulling a little as she bit down on Faith’s shoulder.

“Buffy, what. . .” Faith stopped talking as she groaned lustfully.

Buffy’s other hand grazed over Faith’s pussy, and her lips moved to her neck, where she began nibbling and sucking, causing little marks of possession to appear.

Faith couldn’t move. As much as she knew it was best if she did, Buffy just wasn’t giving her good reason to get out of the shower anytime soon. Buffy already knew her weakness it seemed.

Buffy slid an eager finger between Faith’s now slick pussy lips, drifting lightly over her clit. She began stroking her finger gently, teasing up and down over Faith’s hard little nub. Faith began moving her hips in time with the motion, her body betraying her once again.

As the water from the shower sprayed over them, Faith gave in to her desire, totally unable to resist Buffy’s touch. She turned to face her, looking deep into her eyes, the love and lust for each other they shared almost palpable. She pulled Buffy into a kiss, cupping one of the blonde girl’s cheeks with a guiding hand as the hot water flowed between them.

Buffy wasted no time in replacing her fingers inside Faith’s neat little folds, and she arched into the touch, sliding her hands down to caress Buffy’s breasts. She circled the pink nipples that were now standing to attention with her thumbs. Buffy groaned in her mouth. Then Faith groaned louder. . .as she heard the motel door being banged on.

“Fuck, why me?” Faith whined and pulled away from Buffy.

“Just ignore it, they’ll go away,” Buffy tried to reason. “If they don’t want two broken legs that is.” Buffy circled an arm around Faith, but the knocking grew louder.

“You stay and get washed up, I’ll get it.” Faith couldn’t just ignore the incessant banging. Her body was telling her not to go, but her mind was being responsible again.

“Fucking stupid mind,” Faith whimpered. She wrapped a towel around herself and went to answer the door. “Ok, ok, I’m coming,” she muttered under her breath. “Or at least I would have been.”

She shook her head, composing herself, and opened the door.

“Hey, where have you been? I’ve been knocking for ages,” Willow said in a rush. “Oh, you were in the shower.” She looked around. “But where’s Buffy?” Just as Willow asked, Buffy sauntered out of the bathroom, also just wrapped in a towel.

“Oh, you. . .Oh!” Willow gasped, blushing more than Faith ever imagined it was possible to.

“Look, it’s not. . .” Faith was about to say it wasn’t what it looked like, but there really was no point. It was pretty obvious. Especially with the matching hickeys they both wore.

Willow had obviously noticed them, and was flicking her wide eyes back and forth between the two slayers.

“I’ll wait in the car. Giles is out there.” She waved her hand around wildly, indicating outside. “He thought it would be quicker to pick us up.”

“Right. Give us 5 to get dressed.” Faith smiled gently at the panicking red head.

“Ok,” Willow nodded enthusiastically. She left the chosen two to sort themselves out, practically jumping down the steps to get away.

* * *

The car ride had been a pretty silent affair. Willow hardly daring to look at the two Slayers. Buffy pouting at having been interrupted. And Faith just staring out of the window, unsure whether or not to feel happy at the possibility of Buffy getting her memory back. Giles said nothing, totally unaware of the tension.

They all piled into the magic shop, and Giles rummaged around and made himself tea. The three girls all sat in their own little worlds. Faith was beginning to get on edge, the urge to run practically making her legs twitch. She couldn’t sit still.

“Faith, sit still. What’s wrong?” Buffy sounded more than a little on edge herself. “If it’s about earlier, I can make it up to you tonight, baby,” Buffy told her, her tone soft so Willow wouldn’t hear.

Faith just took a deep breath, doing her best to ignore how sexy it was for Buffy to say something like that to her. She knew she should explain to Buffy how she felt. It wasn’t fair to leave her feeling bad.

Faith looked over at Willow. “Will, can you give us a minute? Ya know, just. . .sit a little further away?”

Willow looked like she was about to object or ask why, but changed her mind when she saw the serious look on Faith’s face.

With Willow safely out of earshot Faith turned to Buffy on the worn old couch they were both perched on. “Look, B, I’m sorry if I seem a little off, it’s just. . .” Faith searched her brain for ways to explain how she was feeling. To convey her fear that Buffy might reject her once again when she had her memory.

“You’re afraid I might change my mind about us when I remember everything, right?” Buffy said, looking deep into Faith’s dark eyes.

Faith could see the love in Buffy’s eyes. Feel the love emanating from her.

Softly, laying herself open, she said “Yeah.”

“I won’t. I love you, Faith, and nothing’s going to change that,” Buffy reassured.

Before Faith could reply, or state her own love, Giles walked back into the room.

“Well, I’m glad to announce I know how to get your memory back, Buffy.” It was only him and Willow smiling at the news. “Err, ok. . .maybe I should explain how you lost it first.” They gathered on the couch to listen as he stood before them. “It seems you were, how can I put this. . .violated during your sleep,” he said curtly.

Buffy’s eyebrows shot up. In fact all three girls stared at him in shock.

“Sorry, that wasn’t quite what I meant,” Giles said, a little flushed. “It was a dream demon. Through extensive research and a few clues with the tests we ran on you, I’m about as sure as I can be about this.” Giles removed his glasses, looking pleased with himself.

“So what happens now?” Faith asked.

“The good news is the spell the demon put Buffy under is easily reversible. With no lasting side effects. The only downfall is the possibility that you won’t remember ever losing your memory in the first place.” He looked at Buffy, probably trying to gauge whether or not she understood.

“I won’t remember not remembering my memory? I don’t get it,” Buffy said, and she did indeed look puzzled.

Faith understood, however. She got it all too well. Buffy would not recall the last couple of days, which included their time together. Anything that had happened between them would be lost. It would be like going right back to where they were before. Faith could feel her defences sliding up around her, her striking features turning into a mask of coolness.

“It’ll be like the last couple of days never happened, B,” Faith pointed out sharply as she stood up, unable to sit still any longer.

“Yes, that’s right. Releasing you from the spell will cause you to forget about all this. Well, at least there is over a 90 percent chance of that happening, by my calculations.” Giles began to make his way behind the counter to retrieve the ingredients he needed for the reversal spell.

“What if I don’t want to forget?” Buffy shifted her eyes from Faith to her watcher.

“Well, um, I. . .” Giles stammered, seemingly unable to grasp the concept.

“But it means you get your memory back, Buffy. You’ll remember me, and Xander. And your mom,” Willow said, smiling, doing her best to emphasise each word.

Faith said nothing. She could never, and would never expect Buffy to give up the memory of her friends and family for her. Even if she knew it would more than likely mean the end of anything but their friendship.

Buffy would revert back to denying her feelings. Denying she was even attracted to Faith. They would be back to square one.

Faith tried her best not to look in Buffy’s direction, as she could feel the emptiness beginning to wash through her again.

“But, I don’t want to just forget the last few days,” Buffy said quietly, looking down at her hands, then up to Faith.

Giles and Willow looked perplexed with Buffy’s statement. As far as they were concerned, there was no reason for Buffy to care about losing just a few days of memory, considering how much more she would get back.

“B, you have to do this. You’re a Slayer, girlfriend. We can’t just have you wandering around not knowing what the hell’s going on,” Faith said, her voice low and almost trembling. She was trying to sound as indifferent as she could. Praying that it was working.

Buffy looked torn. Her eyes lost and sad, just like they were when Faith had sat with her in her bedroom the first day Buffy had lost her memory. Buffy stood and made her way over to Faith, taking her hand in her own.

Faith’s first reaction was to pull away, but Buffy didn’t allow her to. Giles was busy doing spell stuff, but Willow had noticed. Fortunately she had the sense not to say anything, and to keep her distance.

“I’ll only do this if you want me to, Faith. But I’m sure I won’t forget about us. Even if I don’t remember, I’ll feel it. Just like I felt it as soon as I saw you when this whole thing started.” Buffy trailed a gentle thumb along Faith’s jaw. “It wasn’t just some slayer thing that drew me to you, Faith. You’re beautiful, brave, and appealing to me in so many ways. I’ll know it, even if I don’t remember. I feel that, in here.” Buffy pointed to her chest.

Faith couldn’t argue. She didn’t think she had the right to anyway. As much as she wanted to believe what Buffy was saying, she just couldn’t give in to it. Buffy hadn’t admitted how much she liked Faith before after all.

She smiled at Buffy, not wanting to show how scared she was at losing what they had just discovered with each other. “Sure. . .everything’ll be fine, B. If you don’t remember, I’ll just have to beat it outta ya.” She gave Buffy a playful slap on the arm as her heart felt like it was preparing to be ripped from her chest.

Buffy placed a quick soft kiss on Faith’s lips, taking her by surprise, but causing her to smile broadly. She wanted to tell Buffy she loved her, and that no matter what happened she’d always be with her. Unfortunately Willow decided to make it blatantly obvious she was more than a little shocked at their display of affection, as she stood with her jaw bouncing off the floor.

Faith moved away from Buffy, not wanting to cause problems between the two friends if Buffy did indeed forget everything.

* * *

“Right, I’ve got everything ready. Willow is going to help with the incantations while I perform the spell. You need to stand in this circle, Buffy.” Giles pointed to a chalk circle on the floor, with candles placed at intervals around it.

Buffy really didn’t look too keen to go through with the spell. She looked from Faith to the marking on the floor and back again.

“Buffy?” Giles coaxed, clearly wanting to get it over and done with as soon as possible.

“Yeah. . .right,” Buffy mumbled. She looked longingly into Faith’s dark eyes. Eyes that were currently revealing all of her fears without her needing to put voice to them.

Faith closed her eyes as the apprehensive blonde stepped into the circle.

“This shouldn’t take long, and will be quite painless. You may experience a slight headache, though.” Giles sprinkled something around Buffy’s feet.

“Ooh, I have pills,” Willow chimed in. “The good kind I mean, not the bad. . .‘cause that would be. . .well, bad.” Willow dug around in her small rucksack, finding painkillers and waving them around cheerily.

Faith stood not too far away from the circle and Buffy, trying to seem unconcerned. Her guts were in knots, and her heart was ready to leap for safety, the crushing sensation in her chest all but stopping it dead.

Faith winked at Buffy, attempting some semblance of faith in her assurances. It didn’t help that Buffy looked on the verge of tears, her green eyes sparkling in the dim light of the shop, her hands in tight fists by her sides, mirroring Faith exactly. A stray lock of blonde tickling her cheek.

Faith wanted to reach out and brush the hair away. She wanted to touch the owner of her heart, and kiss her, just in case she never got the chance to do it again. Just in case it was all a cruel twist of fate to keep her in place, to keep her firmly in the knowledge that she would never be worth Buffy’s love. That she would forever be alone.

As she watched Giles begin his spell, Willow filling in with bits of the incantation, she was sure she could still feel the love Buffy had for her, radiating out towards her and filling her. But as the spell continued, it slipped. It faded from her, washing out of her and taking her own heart with it. The emptiness reclaimed its rightful place, casting a dark shadow over her soul. It bled from her body and left her hollow, and Buffy was gone. She no longer filled Faith with her light.

Faith was empty once again. Alone.

Faith fought back the well of tears threatening to disclose her feelings, and Buffy continued to gaze at her, but something in her eyes had changed. Faith was being looked at the way Buffy had always looked at her, with uncertainty.

She had forgotten, and Faith felt sick with the overwhelming vacuum left behind inside her. The powerful ache in her chest was taking her breath away.

Buffy raised a hand to her head, her legs seemingly unsteady as the spell released her.

“Whoa, head rush,” Buffy said, catching her breath. “What am I doing here?”

Giles helped the shaky girl to a nearby chair and began explaining all to her. Willow excitedly joining in.

Faith stood back, wanting the shadows to swallow her whole. She thought about turning to leave, thinking she probably wouldn’t be missed anyway, but then Buffy caught her eye.

“Faith? Are you ok?” Buffy asked.

There was concern in her fellow slayer’s voice. That was evident. But somewhere in her tone, was much more than that.

Faith could feel a small light flicker on inside her. It was tiny, and doubtful, but it was there. She resolved right then that she would stand by her word to never leave Buffy. No matter what. If she had to spend the rest of her short life as nothing more than Buffy’s friend, she would do it. As much as it would hurt, as much as she knew the loneliness would tear her to shreds, she had no choice. She loved Buffy.

“Yeah, five by five, girlfriend,” Faith assured. The lump in her throat got swallowed along with her shattered heart. The smile on Buffy’s face making the pain bittersweet.

Faith slipped her suit of armour back on, and stepped back into the role of friend, not lover. She made a silent promise to herself though, to push just that little bit further with Buffy, slide that little bit closer, and hope that one day the cute blonde she adored so much would finally admit that they could be so much more than just friends.

Faith was in no doubt she would wait forever. She just hoped it wouldn’t take that long. Being celibate had never been one of her favourite pastimes.

“Well, if we’re all done here I’m gonna go eat, I’m starved. Later guys,” Faith called with a small wave.

She left with a heavy heart and a light head, and just a flicker of something she could almost recognise as hope. Drifting out into the bright morning, she shook her head and smiled wistfully, making her way to the nearest place to eat, to fill at least some of the void within.

The End



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