Buffy pushed open the hotel room door, peeking her head around it in case Faith was asleep already. She didn’t want to barge in and wake her, even though she doubted Faith had really gone to sleep without her, or without at least making sure Buffy was coming back. Still, she was trying to be conscientious.

Her priority right now, right in this moment, was Faith. Buffy had made a very big, very important decision downstairs. She couldn’t quite believe what Angel had told her at first, but even when she realised they could have what they’d always wanted in the past, her decision to turn the possibility down had come easier than it probably ought to have. Her choice had been clear. She didn’t want to go backwards in life, she needed to move forward.

Faith was her forward. Her future. She was sure of it, and she couldn’t wait to take Faith in her arms and show her.

Stepping into the room with a big smile, Buffy looked around, noticing the bedcovers were a little rumpled. There was no Faith on or in the bed, however. With closer perusal as she moved further into the room she realised Faith’s clothes were nowhere to be seen, nor her boots or any sign of her presence. Buffy couldn’t hear the shower running and her smile fell, her heartbeat quickening slightly. Though she had no reason to worry or become afraid that Faith had left for some reason, she couldn’t stop the thought entering her head.

Maybe going to talk with Angel hadn’t been such a great move.

Buffy knew that Faith and Angel had their own little bond these days - like an older brother doing his best to protect a wayward sister – but Buffy wasn’t sure how Faith felt now about her history with the vampire. It had certainly been a bone of contention in the past. Angel had gotten in the way the first time Faith had arrived in Sunnydale, coming between her and Faith – though Buffy hadn’t realised at the time - and Buffy couldn’t help but begin to wish she’d just told Angel they could talk the following day.

She called out for the other slayer, walking towards the bathroom as she did so. Nobody was in there and Buffy rubbed at the back of her neck, tightening up as she noticed that the shower had recently been used. There was a wet towel on the floor, and beside that lay most of Faith’s dirty clothes.

Breathing a small sigh of relief, Buffy left the bathroom, still confused as to where Faith was, but a little less worried that she might have decided to just take off. Surely she couldn’t get very far without her pants.

Just as Buffy re-entered the bedroom area, the door opened and Faith walked in from the hall. She was wearing just her panties – a cute pair of boi shorts – and a small tee shirt. As well as making Buffy’s stomach flutter as she allowed herself to enjoy Faith’s barely clad body, it also reminded her that they would need to procure some new clothes the following day. They were basically starting from scratch after all.

“Where were you?” Buffy asked, instantly wanting to chastise herself for sounding so accusatory.

Faith closed the door and looked at Buffy, her eyes giving Buffy no clue as to how she was feeling as she answered.

“Went to see if any of the girls had some smokes,” she replied. “They didn’t.”

She seemed agitated and Buffy suddenly felt awkward being alone in the same room as her. Faith’s eyes were downcast as she came further into the room, a nervous hand running through her hair. Something was wrong, or off. Buffy could see tension running through Faith; tension and barely disguised anger.

“I thought you’d given that up,” Buffy said, wondering if she should sit down or move closer to Faith, or jump out of the nearest window to escape this awkwardness.

“Yeah, well. . .guess we’re all full of surprises,” Faith countered, hearing the darkness to her own tone and wishing she hadn’t allowed herself to feel so much for Buffy all over again.

“We are?” Buffy asked, frowning and wondering just what Faith was getting at.

Clearly something was wrong; Buffy didn’t have to be a rocket scientist to pick up on that. For a moment she wondered if Faith knew what Angel had told her, but she seriously doubted he’d let Faith know about the cure to his curse before her. And if Faith had known about it she would have reacted to it earlier, not now, just after Buffy had found out.

“What’s going on, Faith?” Buffy asked, wanting to cut to the chase before either of them went too far behind their walls and defences and started sniping at each other needlessly.

Faith shrugged and moved over to the window, her arms crossing her chest. She knew if she asked Buffy about Angel then Buffy would know she’d been snooping, but she couldn’t just allow Buffy to trick her or play her for an idiot, no matter how much she loved her.

“You tell me,” Faith murmured, her shoulders so tight Buffy could see the muscles twitching.

Buffy sighed and shook her head. They fell into this too easy; circling each other as enemies instead of standing side by side, instead of cutting through the bullshit to the truth. She knew Faith loved her, and she knew that she loved Faith – no matter how much of a struggle it had been to figure that out. They couldn’t keep doing this.

“Can we. . .not do this?” Buffy asked, taking a chance and walking up behind Faith, placing a hand on her shoulder. “Talk to me.”

To her surprise, Faith didn’t shrink away or react negatively. She just stood looking out of the window to the street below, her jaw set and her eyes clouded with something akin to regret.

Though Faith did want to talk, and did want to find out just what Buffy intended to happen now that she was back to smooching on Angel, Faith couldn’t ask. She didn’t want to break Buffy’s trust by telling her that she’d seen and heard them. She knew the love that Buffy shared with Angel and it wasn’t her place to start questioning Buffy or becoming jealous or clingy. It didn’t really matter that they’d talked recently about their feelings for one another, or that Buffy had made Faith come that morning. . .there was still something in the way. There was still Angel.

“Are you angry because I spoke with Angel?” Buffy asked tentatively, supposing that was the problem as Faith had been ok up until then.

“None of my business if you talk to him or not,” Faith replied, hoping the emotion wasn’t coming through in her voice. She hated that she felt this way; jealous, envious.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Buffy pressed, gripping Faith’s shoulder tighter in order to encourage her to face her.

“What do ya want me to say, B?” Faith responded, anger evident even though she was doing her best to keep it in check.

“Tell me what’s suddenly changed,” Buffy asked. “We were ok, and now we’re not and I have no idea. . .”

Rubbing at her brow, Buffy let her eyes rest on Faith as Faith reluctantly turned towards her. She could see the pain in her eyes and it made Buffy want to slump to the floor in exasperation. Would they never get this right?

“Did you hear what Angel asked me?” Buffy questioned, knowing there had to be some link.

If Faith had grown curious, or just tired of waiting for Buffy, and stumbled on her little chat with Angel then it would explain this shift in mood. But Buffy had turned Angel down. She’d chosen Faith over him, so didn’t that count for anything?

When Faith refused to answer, Buffy knew she’d found the cause of this mood.

“You didn’t stick around to hear what I told him, did you,” Buffy guessed.

Faith just looked away, her defences doing their best to shut Buffy out, but she wasn’t about to be deterred so easily. This was only a misunderstanding at best. Buffy had to convince Faith of that.

“What does it matter, B?” Faith said, shrugging and pulling away from Buffy, moving towards the bed. “I’m tired. Feel like I need to sleep for a week.”

She didn’t want Buffy telling her how she couldn’t help but love Angel. How she couldn’t help but want him even though she couldn’t really have him. The last thing Faith needed was to know she’d lost out to him, again. There was no chance she’d let it ruin her this time, but it still hurt. Hopefully she’d feel better in the morning, or find herself numb and able to cope. She wouldn’t run, or fight, or hate Buffy for being unable to love her fully; this thing between them had always been just out of their reach, and despite what had happened the last few days she knew it would always remain so.

“You can’t just. . .go to sleep,” Buffy complained, staring down at Faith as Faith slid under the covers of the bed.

“Why not?” Faith asked with a derisive chuckle. “That’s what people do when they’re tired.”

She quickly yanked off her tee shirt and rolled over, feeling Buffy’s gaze boring into her back. Knowing she had to remain as calm as possible, and as strong as possible, Faith pushed at the ache in her heart; wanting rid of it forever. This wasn’t going to break her again. This wasn’t all she had in her life, wasn’t all she could hope for or feel. There was more to this existence than Buffy and she’d damn well do her best to remember that.

“But. . .” Buffy floundered, staring at Faith, not knowing what more to do or say.

Maybe Faith hadn’t heard her talking to Angel after all, or maybe she’d only heard enough to make her fear the worst. Whatever the case, it seemed there would be no talking about it tonight; Faith had shut down.

Her shoulders sagging, Buffy felt the deep burn in her heart that only came from the slayer now tucked up in bed. It hurt, deep in her chest. It always hurt with Faith.

She decided not to press the issue for now and made her way to the bathroom. Once in there Buffy allowed tears to fall, though she tried to hold them in, not wanting to believe they’d let things slip through their hands once again. But no matter how she tried to hold herself together, she couldn’t, and when she got under the warm spray of the shower Buffy felt her knees weaken. Sliding down the tiles until she was sitting uncomfortably in the tub, she cried not only for Faith, but for Spike, for Anya, for everyone they’d lost, for everything that now lay buried in the rubble of Sunnydale.

Her one silver lining was the fact her mother was there with them when she knew – somewhere deep inside – that she shouldn’t have been. Still, it didn’t make her feel much better and Buffy let her grief and frustration pour out until the water began to cool and the tiles became increasingly uncomfortable.

She could have stayed there all night, hair stuck to her face as tears slid down her cheeks. As her body began to shudder and her heart break once again, Buffy didn’t notice that Faith had come into the bathroom until she spoke, asking Buffy if she was ok.

“I’m fine,” Buffy lied, knowing it was more than obvious she wasn’t.

Faith could see Buffy’s shadow through the shower curtain, down at the bottom of the tub, water cascading over her, though there was no longer any steam. She knew the water would be cold by now, and knew Buffy wasn’t fine at all.

As much as she wanted to just leave Buffy in peace she couldn’t. She’d heard her sobs and felt tears prick at her own eyes in response as she imagined the pain Buffy was going through. Buffy had lost friends and people that had trusted and looked up to her, she’d had to deal with how Faith made her feel, and now. . .Angel. It had obviously all been too much, and even if Faith wanted to ignore the fact that Buffy was hurting, she knew she’d eventually go to her. Knew she couldn’t just leave her there suffering, no matter how upset she felt herself.

Buffy snivelled, trying not to cry, but Faith continued to move into the bathroom. She stood by the tub, her hand poised to push open the shower curtain. A large part of Faith wished she could walk away, maybe go get Angel – as it was obvious that that’s what Buffy would have preferred – but something stopped her from retreating.

She slid back the shower curtain and her heart broke. Buffy was a mess of tears and grime where she hadn’t yet washed away the dirt of the battle. She looked small and fragile in a way that Faith had never seen her.

“Don’t cry, B,” was all Faith could whisper as she climbed in without permission, taking Buffy into her arms as she joined her sitting in the bottom of the large tub. “Come on.”

Relenting to Faith’s embrace, Buffy allowed her body to fall into her, burying her face in Faith’s neck as strong arms wrapped around her. The tears flowed and she shivered against the cold tumble of water as it poured over them. There was nothing she could say or do if Faith had decided she didn’t now want them to be together, but Buffy clung to this, to this intimacy, this moment when all she wanted to do was love Faith and have Faith love her back.

Faith rubbed a hand over Buffy’s lower back, holding her tight against her as Buffy continued to sob. This was months of frustration, probably years of it, coming out. Years of keeping everything inside. Faith wasn’t sure she was the one who should be holding Buffy through this right now, even as Buffy clung right back to her as if her life depended on it.

“Should I get Angel?” Faith asked, beginning to shiver herself now as the cold water penetrated her skin.

“No,” Buffy replied easily, her teeth chattering. “I don’t want Angel. I want you.”

More sobs wracked Buffy’s body and Faith felt her chest tighten and twist, tears forming in her own eyes. If only Buffy really meant that. If only she could believe it.

“Faith, please don’t shut me out,” Buffy pleaded, looking up into Faith’s eyes, seeing tears there that made her fear for them both. “I chose you. I chose you.”

Faith listened to Buffy’s mumbles, letting the words sink into her heart in a way she’d vowed never to do.

“But I saw you kissin’ Angel. I saw. . .”

Buffy shook her head, mad at herself for having done that. Mad at herself and at Faith for their conversation not being as private as it ought to have been.

“I shouldn’t have done that. Please, believe me,” Buffy began, taking Faith’s face in her hands, “I don’t want anybody else. I want this.”

She leaned forward and brought their lips together, both of them sighing at the touch, pulling tight to each other. Feeling Faith tremble in her arms she realised they were both freezing cold now and had to get out from under the water.

“Will you let me explain?” Buffy asked softly as she pulled away just far enough to look in Faith’s eyes.

Unsure if she was just a fool or not, Faith reluctantly nodded her head and helped Buffy to stand. She grabbed a towel and wrapped it around Buffy, leading her back into the bedroom in silence. Once Buffy was seated on the bed drying her hair, Faith grabbed another towel from the bathroom and ran it over her own hair, sitting beside Buffy as she tried her best not to jump to a million conclusions about what Buffy would say.

The silence stretched on and Faith wriggled out of her wet panties, secretly enjoying the way it made Buffy gaze at her longingly. They were both covered by their towels, but the atmosphere grew suddenly intimate and intense and Faith wished she could ignore it.

“If you and Angel. . .” Faith began, planning to let Buffy know she would cope with Buffy wanting to be with him much better this time around.

“There is no me and Angel,” Buffy assured, turning to Faith on the bed, placing a hand on her thigh. “I don’t know if you heard him telling me that they’ve taken away his curse. He can love. . .normally.”

For a second Faith just blinked, unbelieving, but then she pulled away from Buffy, still expecting that Buffy would always love and want him more. She looked away from Buffy, down at the floor as her heart sank.

“Listen to me, Faith,” Buffy insisted, tears forming in her eyes again. “I told him I couldn’t be with him the way he wanted.”

Glancing back at Buffy, Faith frowned, not certain if she could believe that Buffy would turn him down when Angel had always been the love of her life, the one she would give anything for.

“Why?” Faith heard herself ask.

“Because of you,” Buffy declared.

Faith wasn’t sure she was ready for this. Any of this.

She wanted, needed, Buffy more than she could even fully admit to herself. There’d been a time she would have run around the place right now declaring victory before pouncing on Buffy and making her scream her name all night in testament to what they shared, but. . .this was huge.

“You turned him down for me?” Faith questioned, not thinking she was worthy. “Why would you do that?”

For a moment Buffy was puzzled. Wasn’t this what they both wanted? She’d been sure that Faith would be happy about this. Maybe she’d missed something, or maybe Faith was just a little scared; choosing her over Angel meant this was as serious as they could get. It meant that they’d have to really work at things together. Be everything they could be for one another.

“Why?” Buffy repeated, a slight chuckle escaping her as Faith looked at her in complete confusion. “Because I love you.”

All the air left Faith’s lungs and it felt like her stomach was about to fly out of her mouth. Buffy had chosen her over Angel. Buffy loved her.

“I love you, Faith,” Buffy said again, moving closer on the bed so she could take Faith’s hands in hers. “Despite, or because of all the things we’ve been through and done to each other, it’s you that I want to be with.”

Faith’s mouth fell open but nothing came out. Surely she was dreaming, or something; Buffy did not just admit that she loved her.

“Say something?” Buffy pressed, biting on her bottom lip as she waited for some kind of reaction. If Faith was about to tell her she wasn’t interested she’d have to kick her, then kick herself. “I’m sorry if I. . .”

“Stop talking now,” Faith instructed, moving her hand up to cup Buffy’s face. She didn’t want anything else to be said, to detract from what Buffy had just told her. Whether it was a dream or not, she was quite happy right now to let those words sink in.

Before Buffy could say anything more, Faith leaned in and captured her mouth with her own, kissing her hard.

This was everything she’d ever wanted from Buffy; honesty, trust, friendship, love.