Watching her mom from the doorway of the kitchen, Buffy felt a strange mix of emotions. She knew the reasons she had both memories of her mother – her death, and her never dying – but she didn’t quite know how to deal with it all. The grief she’d felt was still there, but it was distant, not as raw or real. It was similar with her memory of the body-swap with Faith. She had those memories but she had others too and they both felt oddly out of place.

Whatever the reason her mother was there now though, she was happy about it. It wasn’t a bad thing as far as she was concerned. Giles had said that it was probably due to the fact that Joyce hadn’t been at the house when Faith had arrived there to use the body-swap device on Buffy. They all remembered that Faith had hit Joyce in the original memory, but with her not being there after Faith’s warning from the future. . .well, it meant that Joyce had never received that particular blow to the head.

Of course, Faith felt awful that she’d been the possible cause of Joyce’s death originally, but Giles reminded her that it could have just been a factor and not the sole cause. Buffy couldn’t bring herself to blame Faith. Faith would never have guessed that she’d cause Joyce irrevocable damage, and anyway, her warning had saved Joyce’s life in the end. She wished Faith would see things the same way but Faith was too busy blaming herself and wallowing in self-hatred.

Buffy would have to deal with that; they couldn’t afford to have Faith doubting herself right now. They all needed to be ready as they’d be making their move the following day, taking the First by surprise.

Dawn happily helped Joyce put dishes away and tidy the kitchen and Buffy couldn’t help but smile despite what they faced. She had her family back, she had her friends and all those that were important to her. She had potential slayers that would soon discover what it felt like to have real power. And she had hope. No, not hope. . .she had belief.

They’d get through this. All of them.

Turning from the kitchen, Buffy walked slowly through the living room, nodding towards Giles as she headed to the stairs. He was worried about Faith. It had been a few hours now since her arrival back from the past, and though they’d all talked and worked out how things had happened and what repercussions there had been from Faith’s little trip, Faith had been closed off and distant. Once she’d realised that she’d once been the possible cause of Joyce’s suffering she shut down completely.

They’d left her alone to sleep then, going about their own preparations as Dawn and Buffy spent time with their mother. Joyce was clueless as to why the girls were feeling extra needy as Buffy had decided that they shouldn’t tell her about what had happened in the past – what had really happened. At least not yet.

Walking slowly up the stairs, Buffy wondered if she should just leave Faith resting but something pulled her towards her room. She hadn’t yet spoken to Faith about what she remembered. Hadn’t mentioned that when Faith had told them all she’d bumped into Buffy in the past it had triggered something within Buffy. Triggered a memory that must have been with her – hidden inside – all this time.

She now remembered Faith being in Sunnydale from the future. She remembered how they’d bumped into each other, how she’d felt, how Faith had made her feel. It was hazy and she had the feeling there were bits and pieces missing, but it was definitely there. And she needed to talk with Faith about it. They couldn’t go into battle together without anything being said. They could no longer ignore what they’d always ignored. Life was short – especially for a slayer – and Buffy had to find the courage to face this thing – the white elephant in the room.

Pausing for a moment outside her own bedroom door, Buffy tried to organize her thoughts. Faith was at the other side of that door and she realised she didn’t have a clue what to say to her. How do you start a conversation like the one they needed to have? Buffy rubbed at her forehead and stepped forward. She held her hand aloft ready to knock, but a sound to her right made her turn that way.

“You’re not going to argue are you?” Willow asked as she leaned against the doorframe to the spare room – Willow’s room now she came to think about it. So much change, yet all the same.

“No,” Buffy said quietly, moving closer to Willow so they could talk softly. “I just need to. . .ask a few things.”

Willow nodded, looking like she understood on some level. Buffy suddenly wondered if Willow knew about her time with Faith from the future those few years ago; if she did she wasn’t saying anything. And if she did, Buffy wasn’t sure she wanted to know. She still needed to figure it all out. She’d bonded back then with Faith in a way that felt right, they’d kissed, Faith had told her she loved her. There was so much to think about and Buffy was too tired to deal with it right now. Either she had to ignore it until after they fought the First, or she’d have to come right out with it all to Faith so that it wasn’t lingering in her mind at a time when she needed all her focus.

“She’s probably feeling kinda crappy right now,” Willow reminded Buffy. “She might still have a headache, and yunno. . .the thing about Joyce.”

“I know,” Buffy assured solemnly. “I’m not sure I know how I feel about that.”

It wasn’t that she wanted to blame Faith, she didn’t really, but everything was so confused right now.

“She didn’t know she’d hurt her that badly when she hit her,” Willow said. “And it might not have been that. . .although, Joyce being here after Faith didn’t hit her in the new timeline is probably a pretty good indication that. . .”

“Willow, you’re making my head hurt a little,” Buffy winced. “This whole timeline thing is. . .difficult.”

“Sorry,” Willow said, looking sheepish.

Buffy hadn’t meant to snap, she was just trying not to make her brain cells explode with information and possibilities and god knows what else. She had to let the past go – the bad past – and concentrate on what was ahead.

“It’s ok,” Buffy soothed, giving her best friend’s arm a small squeeze. “I’m just going a little crazy, and I need to talk with Faith about some stuff.”

“Ok,” Willow said with a timid smile. “I hope it doesn’t end up with things getting broken.”

Buffy chuckled sadly. It was quite disheartening thinking that everybody expected the worst from them, even with the memories of the new timeline running through their brains. They didn’t know the half of it though. They didn’t know what lay just under that harsh, hurtful surface. Buffy did. She was sure she did now.

She loved Faith.

It seemed crazy to even say it in her own mind, but when she did it felt right. It made things make sense where there was no sense before. It made everything slot into place. She wondered if she’d loved Faith from the start, and why, or if it had been the influence of Faith from the future warping the way she saw things now. Whatever the case, it was how she felt and there was no sidestepping it no matter how confusing it was.

“We won’t fight,” Buffy assured Willow. “I hope.”

She gave Willow a little grin then turned back to her room, lifting her hand and knocking gently before she chickened out.

A rather weak “Yo,” came from the other side of the door and Buffy grasped the handle, slowly making her way inside as Willow gave a soft sigh behind her and then went on her way.

“Hi,” Buffy said, barely a whisper as she closed the door behind her and took in the sight of Faith tucked under her duvet on her bed, curled on her side on the edge as if she didn’t think she deserved to take up much more space than that.

It practically broke Buffy’s heart to see Faith so disillusioned even after the great job she’d done on her mission into the past. Faith had always been full of life, energy, passion, even if at times it had caused more trouble than good. Buffy had always been a little envious of Faith’s drive and passion. She’d never admitted it and probably never would, but Faith had made Buffy want to break out of her own little box and live without the restraints she’d always felt around her. But her calling had always come first. Sunnydale had always been her tether.

Seeing Faith broken was hard, and it was dangerous. They needed Faith right now. Buffy needed her.

Faith gave a small nod as Buffy walked closer. She didn’t know where to start with this and Faith looked thoroughly depressed. Standing by the window, glancing between the darkness outside and Faith on the bed, Buffy ordered her thoughts - or tried to – finding a place to begin.

“I really am sorry about your mom,” Faith said gruffly, breaking the silence that had settled.

She’d said it a hundred times already since Joyce had walked in on them all and Buffy sighed sadly.

“I told you,” Buffy began, “it’s done now. Hell, it’s different now. She’s here because of you, remember?”

Faith had heard Buffy say those words, or similar, a few times now today but they weren’t sinking in. She just felt awful. Of all the things she’d done in her life, of all the people and innocent creatures she’d killed. . .causing Joyce’s death was by far the worst. If it were possible for her to hate herself more, she did. All she could think of was the pain it had caused Joyce, Buffy, and Dawn, and Faith wished she could run. Run away from the horrible person she was.

“Doesn’t matter,” Faith said. “She died because. . .”

“Faith,” Buffy interrupted, “we don’t know that you caused that, and you fixed it anyway. You took the risk that you’d change things and told me to get her out of the house. I’ll always be grateful for that.”

Faith wanted to argue, to tell Buffy that she should be yelling at her and throwing her out onto the street, but something Buffy had said caught her attention.

“You remember me saying that?” Faith asked, looking at Buffy for the first time since she’d entered.

“I do,” Buffy admitted, knowing she was admitting to a hell of a lot more than just that.

She turned away from Faith, unable to look in her eyes and see sadness there where she wanted – needed – to see hope. To see what she’d seen when Faith had come to Sunnydale from the future and turned her heart around.

“I remember,” Buffy said softly. “Everything.”

Hearing the sheets ruffle on the bed, Buffy glanced back at Faith, watching as Faith sat up just a little against the pillows, her eyes locked on Buffy.

“Have you remembered all along? Like, for the past few years?” Faith asked, trying to wrap her mind around the implications. If Buffy had known for years that Faith had been in Sunnydale from the future to change things, then surely that. . .changed things.

It was all too bewildering and Faith hated that she was too tired to fully understand; not that she’d probably have a chance even if she was fighting fit and full of energy.

“No,” Buffy said, noticing Faith’s face relax a little with her answer. “I forgot after a week or so, just like you told me I would. But today, when you said we’d bumped into each other on your mission. . .it all came back. Slowly at first, but all of it.”

Faith nodded, unsure what to say now. They’d been closer in that week together than they ever had before, even though Faith had been careful not to spend too much time around Buffy or make too much of a ripple in the timeline. She hadn’t meant for Buffy to remember. It was a little awkward now.

“We should probably talk about some things,” Buffy said, her voice almost cracking as she felt the weight of the situation press down on her.

“Is that a good idea?” Faith asked, truly unsure what good could come of bringing up what had happened between them, and what they’d spoken about. “It was a weird sitch and. . .”

“If you want us to just bury what. . .” Buffy took a breath, feeling her hands beginning to shake as she grappled with the truth of what they meant to each other. “Faith, I can’t ignore what happened. I can’t ignore what you said.”

She couldn’t ignore how it had made her feel, and how it made her feel now, but she didn’t say that just yet. She wasn’t sure if Faith regretted anything that had been said. Maybe Faith just didn’t want this complication. Maybe Faith had wished, hoped, that Buffy would never remember, and that what they’d always been on the brink of would stay out of reach. Out of sight. Out of mind.

“I shoulda kept my mouth shut, B,” Faith said, shaking her head, dismayed with herself for ever revealing so much to Buffy. “It just came out.”

“I’m glad it did,” Buffy told her, looking into Faith’s eyes as she stepped closer to the bed. “We’ve both danced around this thing since. . .since the beginning.”

Without asking for permission Buffy perched on the edge of the bed, sitting next to Faith by her legs. For a moment she didn’t know what to do with her hands. They wanted to reach out and touch Faith, make some contact between them, but she decided to just keep them in her lap.

“We’re about to face the biggest bad we’ve ever faced, and do the craziest thing we’ve ever done, and I for one don’t want to go into it knowing I have this thing inside me that I’ve kept buried for so long,” Buffy rationalised.

Faith blinked a few times, her heart pounding as Buffy spoke. She really didn’t know if this was a good idea, but Buffy was right. . .they were about to face possible – almost certain - death. This was as good a time as any to lay some things on the line. She didn’t want Buffy to do it for the wrong reasons, though. She didn’t want pity or half-truths.

“Buffy, you don’t have to explain anything, or say anything,” Faith began. “I didn’t tell you that I. . .” She couldn’t repeat the words. Couldn’t tell Buffy again that she loved her - not here. Not in this time. “I didn’t say what I did just to get a reaction or pressure you into dealing with whatever this thing is.”

She indicated them both with her hand, looking deep into Buffy’s eyes, hoping she understood.

“I know that, Faith,” Buffy responded, seeing the honesty and the apprehension in Faith’s eyes. “And that’s the point. You didn’t say it just for the hell of it; I knew it was true as soon as you said it. I can remember that now as if it was yesterday.”

Faith felt a little embarrassed. She wasn’t good at this kind of talking, especially not with Buffy – this Buffy. There was no way she was going to come out of this with her dignity intact.

They fell silent for a moment, just looking at each other as Buffy wondered how they should proceed. Sure, she wanted to clear the air and get a few truths out, but what then? Did she want something with Faith? Did she really want to pursue this? Buffy just wasn’t sure. Just yesterday she’d been cold with Faith, impersonal, doing her utmost not to get attached again because she didn’t want that slap in the face that only Faith could deliver. She’d vowed not to care, not to think about any of the good times they’d had or the feelings deep within her that came hand in hand with the other slayer.

Buffy had managed to suppress her innermost needs and emotions when Faith had come back. Pushing them deeper than ever, she’d coped with Faith being there without too much ado. She couldn’t go on that way; the uneasiness and mixed signals were beginning to cause a strain.

“B, I don’t want you to. . .”

“Don’t want me to what, Faith?” Buffy asked rhetorically. “Don’t want me to be honest for a change? To stop being so guarded?”

Faith didn’t know how to answer that so she allowed Buffy to continue uninterrupted.

“Yunno what? I’ve been through all kinds of crap since we fought, since we screwed up anything we could have had, and I’m done running,” Buffy said, her voice raising slightly as she grew more convinced she was doing the right thing. “We might never get another chance so. . .I want you to know that. . .”

A noise out in the hall made them both turn their heads to look towards the door, but nobody came through it or knocked. It was probably just one of the potentials going to the bathroom. Or Spike skulking. Buffy was annoyed that it had interrupted her flow; she sighed, unsure whether she could get it back as she turned again to look at Faith.

“I’ve been through crap too,” Faith said softly, her hands feeling moist with nerves and her mind beginning to drift as she felt her fatigue catch up with her again. “Been through enough to know sometimes it’s better not to rock the boat. I guess I rocked it back in Sunnydale, telling you how I felt, and it was a mistake.”

Shaking her head, Buffy placed a hand on Faith’s leg over the duvet.

“It wasn’t a mistake,” she told Faith. “We’ve made plenty of mistakes, a hell of lot of them, but that wasn’t one. Not dealing with this, not acknowledging it would be one. Let’s not get this wrong anymore, Faith. I care about you. I always have.”

Ok, so she hadn’t said the L word, but Buffy was still protecting herself despite her argument that they needed to be open and honest now. She had to, until she was sure that it’s what she really felt. Until she had no doubts, had no problem saying it, and even less feeling it.

With a nod, Faith licked her lips and held her breath. It felt good to hear that from Buffy. It was much more than she could have ever hoped for.

“We can put the past behind us,” Buffy continued when Faith didn’t say anything. “I want to. I really want to.”

Buffy’s voice had dropped to a whisper as she finished speaking, her heart beating a rhythm she’d only felt it beat around Faith, her hand squeezing Faith’s leg.

“I want it too,” Faith said, sitting up further, her hand covering Buffy’s tentatively. “But I can’t ever forget what I did. Can’t ever stop paying for it. I don’t wanna stop paying for it, I deserve. . .”

“You’ve already done a lot to make things better already,” Buffy told her, enjoying the weight and the sensation of Faith’s hand on her own. She turned her own hand so their palms warmed each other; shyly holding hands on her bed. “I’m not going to let you do it alone anymore; we both have blood on our hands. We both. . .”

“Wait, wait, wait,” Faith interjected, raising her free hand. “I did all that shit, not you.”

“But I fucked up,” Buffy said before Faith went any further, noticing Faith’s raised eyebrows - Buffy didn’t cuss often. “I fucked up badly and no matter what you say I have to accept responsibility for the things I did, or didn’t do, just as much as you’ve accepted responsibility for what you did. Let’s leave it where it is. . .in the past. We don’t have time to fight anymore and I’m sick of not knowing what the hell’s happening between us.”

She was almost out of breath after her little speech and Faith waited a moment before giving Buffy a little grin, lightening the mood a fraction. When it felt like minutes had passed before either of them spoke again, Faith cut Buffy a break, leaning forward some more and making sure Buffy was looking into her eyes.

“What do you want to happen between us, B?” she asked, sure that Buffy would panic and back down.

Buffy took a breath, realising that Faith was testing her resolve. Testing how far she was prepared to take this or if she was just full of words that didn’t really mean anything.

“I don’t know,” Buffy confessed quietly, lowering her gaze for a second. “No, actually. . .I do,” she amended.

This wasn’t the time to get cold feet. This wasn’t the time to leave Faith dangling. After all, Buffy had just tried to convince Faith they needed to be honest and get the awkwardness out of the way.

“I want to be your friend,” Buffy said, continuing before Faith got the wrong idea. “But not just that; I think I want more.”

“More?” Faith questioned, noticing Buffy’s gaze flit down to her lips. “You don’t think we’d drive each other crazy after five seconds?”

Buffy grinned slightly and nodded. “I think we’d definitely drive each other crazy, but it just might be worth it,” she replied.

A soft hand touched Faith’s face as Buffy moved a little closer. There was a part of Faith that wanted to turn away from it, or push it aside to save them both from something that could go very, very wrong. But she didn’t push it away; taking a chance that there was more to them than just fighting and pain.

Buffy let her fingers gently move over Faith’s cheek, her thumb drifting down to the full lips that she remembered kissing years before. She could almost feel that kiss now. Almost capture every single sensation that had exploded inside her with having Faith so close, so open to her. There was no doubt that she wanted that again, but she didn’t want to rush Faith.

“You’re sure?” Faith asked.

“Sure,” Buffy replied, subconsciously leaning towards Faith as they looked deep into each other. “It’s been nice having you here this last week and hopefully, when we make it out of this battle, we’ll be able to spend more time together, and work out what we have. Or what we could have.”

“Sounds too good to be true, B,” Faith said, really trying to share Buffy’s determined hope.

“We won’t know unless we try,” Buffy stated. “Are you willing to try? Or do you want me to go?”

Buffy lowered her hand from Faith’s face, leaning back again to give Faith the opportunity to back out. She hoped she wouldn’t but Buffy was prepared to wait for Faith to be sure of the possibility of them, even if she wasn’t exactly completely sure of it herself.

“No,” Faith answered, waging a small war within: one side telling her this was all kinds of wrong, and the other trying to convince her that they really could be something together.

“No to which question?” Buffy asked, raising an eyebrow and wondering if she’d have to offer something a little more persuasive to win Faith’s trust.

She wasn’t above proving that she wanted them to work out in a more. . .naked kind of way. In fact, the idea held a hell of a lot of appeal.

“No to you going,” Faith answered. “I’d have to be crazy – or crazier at least – to want a hot chick to leave my bed.”

Faith smirked as Buffy chuckled lightly.

“It’s actually my bed, and you’re right, you’d have to be crazy,” Buffy agreed. “Or maybe just not interested.”

“I’m interested, B,” Faith told her. “You know I’m interested, but. . .”

“Does there have to be a but?” Buffy asked, getting tired of the constant merry-go-round that was their relationship.

It seemed a little strange that she was the one pushing for this, but she guessed that Faith was wary for a very good reason. Perhaps because Buffy had spent most of her time pushing Faith away, not pulling her closer. It was a shift, and obviously Faith couldn’t trust it yet.

“But we’re not exactly great around each other,” Faith reminded.

“We were when you went back to Sunnydale. I thought we were great then,” Buffy said, remembering not only how easy it had been around Faith then, but also their kiss and the way they’d fallen into each other so perfectly.

“This is the real world though, B,” Faith countered. “We’re not from different places or times now, we’re here, with everything else influencing us, with our memories, the past. . .”

“What did I say about the past, Faith?” Buffy prompted. “We leave it there.” Pushing a lock of unruly dark hair away from Faith’s forehead, Buffy desperately wanted to lean in and kiss her. It hurt to hold back. “I miss you.”

Faith crumbled at that, unable to fight any longer. She wanted Buffy and always had. She wanted more between them, even though it would probably be a passionate nightmare that burnt itself out quickly and left them both heart broken.

“I miss you too,” Faith said, her voice low and hoarse as she closed the distance between them, every inch of her body willing her forward though her sense was throwing up warning signs.

Their lips met, as they had done once before, in a slow caress. They didn’t rush or push. They didn’t grab or try to get the upper hand with each other. And no matter how much Faith wanted to pull Buffy to her and take all she could, she held back, just feeling. Just enjoying Buffy against her lips, the heat between them and the building arousal as it trickled through them.

As if the slow, soft movement of their mouths together cast a spell over Faith she began to feel drowsy despite her growing arousal. Her body was fatigued and her mind worn out; the rest she’d had since coming back had been short and fitful at best.

“Are you ok?” Buffy whispered across Faith’s lips as her hand caressed her cheek once more.

“Still tired,” Faith admitted sullenly.

The last thing she wanted was to poop out at such a crucial time, but she was fighting against whatever magic had blasted through her body when she’d come back only hours before. It was getting late now and all Faith wanted to do was lay down.

“You should sleep,” Buffy said, moving back a little.

“I’d rather keep doing this,” Faith responded, moving her lips over Buffy’s again.

She sucked gently on Buffy’s upper lip as Buffy did the same to her full lower lip, and every part of Faith wanted more, but she couldn’t stop herself from leaning into Buffy tiredly.

“Lie down,” Buffy suggested, gently pushing on Faith’s shoulders. “And sleep.”

She gave Faith a long, slightly deeper kiss that made Faith tingle between her legs. There was no way she wanted to let go of Buffy right now, even if she didn’t have the strength to stay awake to enjoy her.

“Really don’t wanna sleep now,” Faith admitted drowsily, pulling on Buffy’s hips so she almost fell on top of her as she laid back in the bed.

Done fighting, Faith just wanted Buffy and no matter the cost, she wanted her as soon as possible.

Running her fingers through Faith’s hair Buffy gave her a gentle smile. “I need you fully awake tomorrow,” she reminded, placing a kiss on Faith’s lower lip.

Unwilling to just let Buffy walk out now, Faith held her a little firmer.

“Stay?” she asked.

Buffy raised her eyebrows. Just moments before Faith had been trying to find every excuse for this not to happen, but after a little smooching it seemed she was much more pliable. It was something to keep in mind for future reference. Still, she really did want Faith to sleep.

“Faith, it’s sleep you need.”

“Stay anyway,” Faith pressed. “I promise I’ll sleep.”

She gave Buffy a wiggle of her eyebrows and Buffy couldn’t help but laugh and shake her head. She really had missed Faith. This Faith.

“I guess it is my bed,” Buffy pointed out. “And I wasn’t keen on the idea of sharing with Dawn tonight.”

Taking a deep breath, Buffy stood up and surveyed the scene for a moment: Faith in her bed, the sheets held back for her on the opposite side as Faith smiled almost devilishly at her. There was no saying no. The only problem was wondering if she could hold herself back; she was yearning and wet for Faith from just their kiss and needed her desperately.

“Hop in, B,” Faith encouraged, barely able to keep her eyes open.

With only a little hesitation, Buffy moved around to the other side of the bed, switching off the bedside lamp before unbuckling her pants, pushing them down and kicking them off. She’d leave her tee shirt on for now as Faith was wearing one too. Climbing in slowly, she noticed that Faith was already practically asleep. It didn’t bother her too much and she got as close as she could without crowding her.

“Closer,” Faith said huskily, lifting an arm so she could wrap it around Buffy.

Smiling in the dark, Buffy scooted closer and sighed happily for the first time in a long time. Their legs entwined without asking, soft curves finding each other as they settled down. Buffy could hardly bear the pounding of her own heart and the twisting in her stomach but she did her best to relax. Though it was hard given the fact she was now pressed so close to Faith, and given the fact she couldn’t help but think of all the naughty things she wanted to do to her.

A rush of thoughts, of images and fantasies she’d suppressed for a long time, filtered through her mind. She badly wanted to touch Faith, to know her with her hands, her fingers, her mouth. It’d been a long while since Buffy had been down that road with anyone – the last being Spike unfortunately – and she was feeling it. She couldn’t stop thinking about peeling Faith’s clothes off, parting her legs, and pleasuring her until Faith was panting her name.

It was a terribly distracting thought, and as Faith began to snore softly, Buffy wondered if she should take the opportunity to sneak away. She wasn’t sure she could sleep this close to Faith. Yet again, she didn’t want to leave her. Not now. Not with what they had to face the following day.

Buffy stayed, trying to keep her hands to herself, but allowing herself to indulge just a little in the secret fantasies she’d never before dared to imagine would actually happen.

But if you dared to dream, surely there was hope. She had Faith in her arms, her mother was safe, her friends and family were all around her.