A Silent Apology

Chapter One

The words she says hit me harder than any punch. They sting worse than a split lip or a broken nose. Those things heal - they heal pretty quick – but her words cut right through me. Right into me. She can say one thing to me and I’m out for the count, head spinning like a fucking crazy person, fists wanting to pound on her.

She hurts. She hurts all the time, even when she doesn’t think she is. Her words are bad, but her silence is worse.

I can’t stand it when it feels like I’m not even in the same room as her; when she’s talking with her friends and not including me, not even looking my way. Every time, it slices like a knife right into me, spilling my guts on the floor for her to walk over without even thinking. Without caring. She could slip in my blood and not even glance my way.

I hate her. I see right through her.

They all think she’s some kinda queen, but she’s not. . .she’s nowhere near as perfect as they all wanna believe. I’ve seen into her eyes. I’ve seen into her fucking soul. At least with me it’s all out in the open. All my anger, all my flaws - it’s all out there and I know I’m far from perfect. She’s got it all hidden, stuck under that perfect smile and golden hair, eating away at her. Making her smile burn like acid when it disappears as soon as she lays eyes on me.

It’s hard being in the same room as her now. It was hard before, but at least then I had some kinda hope to one day be allowed on the inside of her little circle. I know I never will be now. There’s no way in hell she’s gonna let me in. I’m nothing to her and never will be - not in the way I need. She has all the friends she needs, she has all the backup she could ever want, and she has Angel. She spat that in my face after the first time. Made it clear what I was to her, and that I’d never be anything more.

Knowing your place is one thing, being there is another. It feels like an old glove that fits me just right, but it’s just that - old. It’s not a nice place to be when it all smells like crap and you just wanna get out and breathe some clean air; feel your lungs take it in and clear your head. My head’s far from clear right now, it’s stuffed full of the shit she’s putting in there. . .and she doesn’t even fucking know she’s doing it.

Everything’s cool to her. It’s all good. This thing. . .this thing is just what it is, and it’s not important enough for her to think it’s important to me. But it is. Every look she gives me. Every word. Every touch. It all has its effect. I know I should walk away, leave her to her own fucking messed up shit, but I can’t. Guess I’m just used to being treated like crap; I can’t live without it now. And she knows how to use that. Buffy keeps me where she wants me and I can’t get out. Don’t wanna get out.

“We have training to do in an hour; you wanna go for a quick run?” Buffy asks me, the rest of the gang oblivious to what she’s really asking.

I nod, watching Giles sip at his coffee as he wanders back into his office, the scoobs shuffling books back into their bags as they get ready to make their way home.

Buffy moves up beside me, her eyes finally meeting mine after avoiding me for the past hour where I sat here in the library listening to them all chat about stuff that’s got nothing to do with me; classes, parties, little scooby outings I’ll never be invited to. If I try to get involved, open my mouth to speak, I get the looks. . .the ones that tell me I’m not in on their little jokes or their meetings. I’m an outsider. Anything I say gets ignored or laughed at.

Wasn’t like that at the start. Hell, they were ready to hear me, wanting to know the stories, get to know Faith the Vampire Slayer, but Buffy got between me and her friends, saying shit behind my back to make them wary of me. Now they’re just tolerating me until I leave or get sent away by the council. I sit in on their fucking meetings - on the outside - and I slay the bad guys, and I fuck their precious little slayer senseless whenever she wants it. . .but I’m not one of ‘em and never will be.

I’m just a back-up, a toy, nothing compared to them. Still, when Buffy gives me that little nod of her head I follow. . .we find a spot we wont get disturbed and I bury my fingers inside her until she’s cursing in my ear and coming hard and fast. See, she ain’t as perfect as they all think, and I know that first hand. Found out just after her eighteenth birthday.

We’d never really hit it off me an’ B. We coulda been friends but she had a stick up her ass and I had a chip on my shoulder. Every time she tried I fucked it up, and every time I tried she went running to her friends or her dead boyfriend, realising she was better than that. Better than me and what I stood for.

We clashed. We fought. Then we fucked. We’ve been fucking since – for just under a month – but she still won’t look me in the eye properly when anybody else is around. Hell, she barely looks me in the eye when she’s lying naked under me and clawing at my back. And she’s always silent afterwards. Pushes me right out and stops talking to me. That’s when the silence really fucking hits.

I follow her out of the library and down the corridor. It’s quiet; most of the students home by now or leaving their clubs and football or basketball games behind. The scoobs are always the last to go, clinging on to Giles and his library like it’s home. Like they have no place better to go. From what I know, doesn’t sound like they do have a better place to be. . .but at least they don’t have to walk through the fucked up part of town to a shitty motel at night, and lay in a bed with a stinking mattress, looking at the stain on the wall and wondering what the hell happened for blood to get splattered up that high. Maybe that’s why I hang at the library too. . .when I’m not some place else keeping my distance instead of telling them all how fucking easy they actually have it.

Yeah, I got my demons, and they ain’t the kind you can slay. Sometimes I just need to hide out and wait for the dark to pass. Sit on my bed at the motel with the phone off the hook, arms round my knees as I try to stop shaking. Too many memories. Too much keeping it inside.

Buffy turns her head to make sure I’m with her, and looks to see if there’s anybody else around. We’re alone in the corridor, the sounds of talking fading as everybody leaves for the day. She stops at the door to a classroom and tries the handle. It’s open so she goes in. I’m right behind her, getting worked up already even though I fight not to. I always fight it, but there’s no point. I wanna fuck her. I want her fucking me. It’s like I can’t get enough. She’s got some kinda hold over me and no matter how many times I tell myself no, I end up giving in. I kinda get the feeling it’s the same for her. Like she really doesn’t wanna be doing what we are, but she can’t stop. A secret drug. A habit she doesn’t know how to kick yet. One she hates having.

As soon as I get through the door she pulls me to her, hands hard on my shoulders as she crashes up against the wall, making me press into her. She likes me taking her up against a wall, or tree, or whatever the hell’s around at the time.

Her lips are hard on me, tongue reaching into my mouth. I let her in and feel it slip warmly over mine. We kiss hungry and deep, like we haven’t kissed for days, but it’s only been hours. She stopped by the motel before school, telling me she was looking for a book she mighta dropped their the last time, but taking the opportunity to feel me up and have me screaming out her name as she fucked me deep and hard with her fingers. I don’t think she’d planned to go that far ‘cause she had to leave before I could do her back - worried she was gonna be late for class.

Guess she’s kinda wound up now and wanting something back. I’m not complaining. Not about this part. I fucking love this part; where I get to see her open, needy, wanting me. That’s when I can see right into her. That’s when I know her. It’s right after this part that she closes down and pushes me out.

“Faith,” she says all breathy and hot. “I spent all day thinking about you fucking me.”

She’s honest when it comes to the sex. She’ll tell me what she wants and she’ll tell me that she wants me. . .but I don’t hear shit about her ‘friendship’ or anything other than this. This is all I am. All we are and ever will be. She’s made that clear more times than I wanna remember. Not that I want hearts and flowers and crap like that. Hell no. I just want more. I just want something that isn’t slaying or screwing.

“Been thinking about it too, Blondie,” I tell her honestly.

I might hate her, but she’s fucking hot and she gets me wanting her more than I’ve wanted anything. Her sexy little body. Her sexy little moans and sighs. The way her hands grip me when she’s about to come, like she’d fall off the edge of the world if I wasn’t there to hold on to. I’m addicted too, and it’s driving me insane.

Her tongue flicks over my top lip, then she pulls my bottom lip between hers, sucking and nibbling, getting me to push right up against her so we can both feel the heat. My hips rock into hers and she moans. I know she’s wet already. Ready for me. Her body crying out to me to take it. Buffy likes when I take her hard and fast, but sometimes I can tell she wants me to tease. That she wants me to draw it out until she’s almost ready to cry.

“I’ve been able to smell you all day on my fingers,” she says, lips nipping at mine. “Thought I was gonna have to leave and come find you.”

I always get kinda high when she talks like that, like I’m really that important. Like there’s nobody else she needs right then but me. It’s kinda true. . .there’s nobody else she can go to for this, not even her boyfriend. Especially not her boyfriend. I come down to earth with a bump as soon as we’re done, though. It happens every time. She’s all gasping my name and holding tight to me, so close to me she’s all I can smell for a day, but then it’s back to normal once the coming is over and she’s back with her friends and ignoring me. Until she wants it again that is.

She’s been wanting it more and more, though. . .leaving me fucking spinning on her high and not knowing where I’m gonna land.

Buffy sighs as I lick at her neck and let my fingers rub at her nipples through her top, getting them nice and hard even though I won’t get to suck on ‘em here the way she likes me to.

“I want your tongue, Faith,” she tells me, little gasps already escaping as I use one hand to undo her jeans.

I know what she wants. I always know what she wants. It’s like I can tell. I can feel it. I feel what she needs, and she always seems to be able to feel what I need - when it comes to sex at least.

“You want my tongue on your pussy, B?” I ask, not looking for an answer ‘cause I know it already.

Buffy trembles a little at my words, her fingers digging into my shoulders as I start to push her jeans down so I’ll be able to get to her. She won’t care that we’re in an unlocked classroom that anybody could walk in to. She never cares. We’ve fucked outside more than we have in my motel room. I think she kinda gets off on it.

Kneeling down in front of her I start kissing the top of her panties at the seam, my hands on her ass as she moves her legs apart for me. I can see she’s fucking dripping for me, the damp patch on her panties making it obvious. Guess she really has been thinking about me all day.

I glance up at her to see she’s biting her lower lip. Always looks fucking sexy when she does that, and it tells me she’s almost about to ask me to fuck her. She’s almost about to give in completely to what she wants. Her eyes always gaze deep into mine then, like she’s seeing into my soul and I’m seeing into hers. We’re both open, needing each other, desperate for each other as much as we both hate it.

A panted breath shoots out of her as I kiss right over her pussy through her panties, sucking slowly, feeling her juices, tasting them just a little. Her eyes dig deep into mine, hand firm on my shoulder as the other one locks against the wall.

“Fuck me, Faith,” she tells me. “Please eat my pussy.”

Her voice is small and pleading, like it almost hurts to say the words, but it always sends a flood of arousal out of her, letting me know she wants it more than she wants to admit.

I push her panties aside and suck on her, feeling the flood pour out for me. My lips move over her, kissing, sucking, tasting as we both moan. She moves against my lips, searching for more. I give her more as I flick my tongue out over her clit then lick her all over, spreading her folds for my mouth.

She’s so wet I could almost drown, her secret out in the open as she whimpers my name and trembles for me.

“Oh fuck,” Buffy groans as I dip inside her, wiggling my tongue around, feeling her pussy grabbing at it.

I slip it out and back up to her clit, knowing that’s where she wants it the most. I know exactly how to get her off now. I know what she likes best, how to do it just right, and when to do it. Gripping tight to her ass I start flicking my tongue hard and fast over her clit, watching her body react to me, lungs gasping for air, muscles tensing all over.

She told me nobody had ever made her feel as good as I do with my tongue. I think it kinda slipped out at the time, just after I’d given her the fourth in a row of hard orgasms with my mouth. She shut up right after she said it. Right after I’d asked her if Angel had ever made her feel that good. She said that he hadn’t, and then got angry that I’d asked. I didn’t see her for three days, then we slayed and she fucked me up against a tomb in Restfield, leaving me with a bite mark on my shoulder after coming without me even touching her.

I dunno who’s more screwed up, me or her.

“Fuck,” Buffy gasps, starting to give it up to me. “Oh fucking, fuck, Faith.”

It’s the only time I ever hear her really let go with the potty mouth, and she certainly makes up for it.

My lips grab onto her clit and I suck hard, tongue still working over her, Buffy’s legs shuddering as she starts to come. She moans out kinda loud, a muffled version of my name I’m starting to crave more and more. Her pussy spills into my mouth and over my chin, hot and sticky and so fucking sweet. I lap at her, drawing out her orgasm, drinking her down. Savouring the moment before we both come crashing back to reality again.

I always try to hold on to this moment as long as I can, just keeping my hands on her and my mouth against her – feeling her hot for me, shaking for me. Her hand flexes in my hair as she lets it fall over her fingers as she stops gripping so tight. Her eyes are all glazed over as she looks down at me, her mouth open to pull in the air around us. The air that smells like her strawberry shower gel, my tight leather, and sex.

“That's. . .that's always so good,” she says shakily as I start to get to my feet.

“Always is for me too,” I say, wiping Buffy's come off my chin with my hand.

I probably said too much 'cause she looks away towards the door. Sure, now she gets worried about people coming in. . .after she just came in my mouth. Always the way it is.

“We should get back,” she says, still catching her breath, starting to do up her jeans as she tries to avoid eye contact with me.

We've played this game before and we'll play it again. She'll act like nothing happened. Like she wasn't just trying her best not to scream out my name as I was giving her something nobody else can. I'm her guilty secret and it's ripping her up inside as much as me. This whole thing is fucked up. . .but I can't seem to stop myself giving in to her. Hell, some days – mostly after we've slayed – it's me doing the initiating, and she's all too happy to go along for the ride. She loves the ride. It's just the part after that she hates. . .and that I hate.

Not gonna fool myself in to thinking it'll get any better, or that she'll give me more than what we have. I don't even know if I want more. What would I be? Buffy's girlfriend? Yeah right, like that's ever gonna happen. She's too terrified of what people think of her, and I'm not just a girl, I'm a girl from the wrong side of the tracks. I'm the bad one, the slut, the freak that loves beatin' the crap outta vamps until they're nothing but mushed up bits of bone and flesh. She dates vamps, I treat them like they should be treated.

Yeah, we're different. Our lives are different. Everything about us screams opposites. It would never work beyond what it is right now anyway. Still can't help myself just wishing she'd let me in when we're not fucking, though. Guess I'm just screwed up. Screwed up on her.

I follow her to the door, watching her as she walks all relaxed now her cork's been popped. If they only knew – knew this side to her I see. Their princess all high on me. On what I do to her.

She stops as we leave the room, turning towards me. I'm not expecting her to say anything – she doesn't most of the time – so she catches me a little off guard.

“Thanks,” she says, her voice sounding kinda floaty. “We'll. . .get together later? Patrol?”

I know what she's asking. She's not done with me today. Must be one of those days that end in y 'cause she can't get enough of the good stuff. When I'm done licking her pussy she normally likes to repay the compliment. No doubt that's what's in her mind for later. I'm just her toy. A play thing. . .but fucked if I really care right now when I want her so bad.

I hate this. I hate her.

We get to the library, saying nothing more as I follow with my hands in my pockets. I try to keep my eyes off her; pretend like it's all no big deal. It shouldn't be a big deal. This is what I do. I fuck people. I let people fuck me. It's mutual using and it's totally my thing. . .'cept with her I end up still finding myself wanting something else. Maybe it's 'cause she pretends like none of it is affecting her. I know it is, though. When I'm making her come I see more in her eyes every time. They can't stay dead to me any longer. Not in the way she wants. I saw more today than she wanted me to when we left the room too – more than just regret this time. More than feeling wrong.

“You're back quickly,” Giles says as we stroll towards the table in the center of the library.

“Got done faster than we thought I guess,” I say, glancing over at Buffy.

Her cheeks flare a little red but she hides it well. I could go to town on making her embarrassed; dropping hints and shit that'll get her real pissed at me. I don't bother. There's no fun in it any more. Not when I know it's me that's the bigger fool. Fool for letting her get me every time.

“I'd like you both to do some channelling exercises,” Giles says, thumbing through his notebook. “They're meant to focus and channel your energy, making you more. . .”

I lose the rest of it as I tune him out. Don't really care what shit's meant to do or how. . .just as long as I stay on top of my game so no dead fuckers get their filthy paws on me. Don't wanna be in the same position ever again as I was with my watcher. I don't wait for the vamps to come to me any more, I go looking for them. I make sure they know who turned their faces to crap and the rest of 'em to dust. No way will one of those bastards ever get the jump on me again.

Shit, I don't know how Buffy does it. The Angel thing.

Don't know how she stands to be around him, let alone how she can let him touch her. He's dead for fuck's sake. Doesn't seem to make a difference though, she's still all crazy for him. . .even if it's me she keeps coming to, and coming for.

I don't get what his problem is either. I mean, sure. . .he can't get off 'cause his soul would go pop right along with the rest of him. Doesn't mean he can't get her off, though. Guess he's not the giving kinda guy. Personally I think he's a total fucking idiot. He's got this hot girl pining over him, doing anything for him, and he won't give her just a little of what she needs? That's some crazy shit right there.

Dead guys – can't trust 'em. They're just good for one thing, and that's being on the end of my stake. Dreamed about staking Angel plenty too. Maybe I should share that with B, see if she still comes knocking on my door for more then.

“Faith, pay attention,” Giles says as Buffy positions herself into some kinda stupid pose.

It looks kinda hot, or kinky. Or maybe both. I dunno but it sure as shit ain't gonna help me concentrate. Kinda reminds me of that first time with her. It came outta nowhere and I think it shocked Buffy more than me.

We were training and got all riled up and started sparring. Giles had some kinda meeting to go to and told us he wouldn't be back for a long time, so we were gonna do what we needed then head out before he was back. Things got all heated when I was teasing Buffy with the jokes and innuendos. She tried to get me back by showing me she's the better slayer, but I was quicker than she thought. We ran around the library, ducking kicks and punches, and jumping over stuff. After a while I wasn't sure who was chasing who around, but the final result was us ending in a heap together up by the stacks.

Buffy pinned me to the floor, straddling my hips as I wriggled to try to get free. Both of us were laughing and breathing hard from running around. It was kind of a surreal moment – as if we were actual friends, doing actual friend kinda things. But then something shifted. It didn't feel friendly any more.

She was gazing down at me with a look in her eyes that got me all caught up in them. We stopped laughing and I stopped wriggling to get free. She had her hands on my wrists, holding them up near my head, and her body was pressed right onto me. As soon as all the moving stopped I noticed exactly where she was sitting, and I couldn't help it. . .it turned me on.

My lips felt real dry all of a sudden so I licked them. Buffy watched, looking like she was kinda caught up too. She was still breathing hard and so was I. My whole body was starting to react; I was starting to burn up, and I could feel myself getting wet. I'd wanted her from the moment I first saw her so it wasn't like I could help it. She's one cute and kinda sexy chick and I had a huge soft spot for her already.

For a second I wondered if I should make a move. I mean, it was pointing in that general directing – the position we weren't moving from, the look in Buffy's eye, the laboured breathing and hesitant glances Buffy was giving my cleavage as she tried her best not to do it. Oh yeah, she was looking alright. I saw. I know that look.

But it wasn't me that made a move. Before I could, Buffy leaned down and took my lips with hers. And I do mean took; she was kissing me like her life depended on it. Like she wanted to kiss me to death. Fuck, I think I almost did die. I wasn't expecting her to be frenching me nice and deep but she was. Wasn't expecting her to start moaning and moving on top of me, but she did. She was totally hot for me and there was no way I coulda backed out.

I didn't wanna back out. I wanted her too.

Kissing back just as desperately, I snuck my hands free and they went right into her hair, needing to hold her right where I wanted her – not that she was going anywhere. All I could taste was her lip gloss and her. Her lips were soft but she was kissing me hard. Her tongue was all over mine and we both started making fucking porn movie moans and groans and we weren't even doing much.

Of course, wasn't long before I got to thinking she wanted us to be doing more. The way she was moving her crotch over mine. . .like she was wound tight and seriously needed some help getting unwound. I could get down with that, I've felt it myself enough. Done it enough too.

I wasn't about to let the opportunity slip by either. I know – or thought I knew at least – how much of a prude Buffy was, but it felt like anything could happen right then and there and she'd be happy to go along with it. I had to grab the opportunity by the balls before she got cold feet.

“B,” I said, only just able to pull my lips away from hers as she continued trying to kiss me, “do you want me to fuck you?”

Ok, so it wasn't subtle and I think it kinda startled her a bit, but she didn't leap off me at least. I could feel the need inside her. I could see it in her eyes and smell it on her skin. She wanted fucked alright, but there was a freight train of panic about to come crashing through her skull. I had to help her avoid it hitting her.

My voice was all rough and sexy and I could see the effect it was havin' on her as I trailed my hand down the front of her shirt nice and slow.

“I wanna fuck you, B,” I clarified, just in case she was totally dense about the sitch. “I can make you feel so good.” My lips made a path to her ear and I whispered it again. “So fucking good, B.”

She trembled for me and I practically came in my pants. It was hot. Might not sound it, but being there. . .underneath Buffy as she trembled in desire for me - oh yeah, I was soaked.

“Faith, we can't do. . .”

She was shaking her head but her lips were on mine again in no time as my fingers hit the top of her shorts. There was no doubting she wanted it. She wanted fucked. She wanted me to do it.

“It's just my fingers, B,” I said huskily after sucking on her cute little pouty top lip. “Can't get you knocked up or give you a case of the nasty itches.”

I grinned as she gave me a funny look. Didn't stop me popping the top button of her denim shorts and pushing down the zip.

She was all caught up between knowing it was wrong, and wanting it real bad. I guess the need won out; she let me push my hand into her panties. I was sure she'd fucking stop me. I didn't think she'd actually go through with it or give it up so easily. I was expecting more of a fight, but her forehead brushed against mine as she shuddered under my first touch. She was breathing hot and fast and I started breathing just the same right along with her.

Her pussy was dripping for me and I slid my fingers all over it, feeling every tiny bit of her; hot, soft and slippery. My fingertip travelled over her tight little hole, but she pulled back just slightly – obviously too soon for that. I got the hint and concentrated on sliding over her clit. It was nice and hard for me and Buffy was moaning into my ear as I got her closer and closer to coming.

It wasn't like I'd never done that with another girl before – I'd done it once or twice with a chick who liked to screw me behind her boyfriend's back – but it'd never felt like it did with Buffy. Doing it to B was more intense. I was enjoying it as much as she was and all I wanted to do was give her something good. I needed to. It wasn't about having any kinda power over her like I thought it would be. . .it was just about needing her to need me. Wanting her to love my touch and come just for me.

Wasn't long before she was coming for me.

“Oh, God,” she gasped in shock as she started to shake.

She was hanging above me, pushing against my fingers as I rubbed them fast over her. I crushed my mouth back to hers and gave her one hell of a kiss before one last hard rub shot her off the deep end.

Buffy moaned out my name so fucking sexily I think I whimpered. Her pussy flowed free for me, covering my fingers in her as she came. I wanted to flip her over and rip off her shorts so I could bury my tongue up inside her and drink her down, but I didn't. I waited for her to come back down to earth, my fingers still against her pussy as she collapsed onto me.

Took a few minutes for her to start breathing normal and I didn't budge an inch. I didn't wanna do the wrong thing, and I sure as shit wasn't about to point out that I could really do with getting off too, even though I was bursting to. Didn't seem right to trample over her good time, which was totally new for me. I always got what I wanted from people I screwed. I'd never been one to forget or ignore my own needs. It shoulda told me right then and there that I was in for a bad time of it. She had me hooked on her already, right from the first touch.

After a short while she lifted herself up a bit to look down at me. I saw a lot of stuff in her eyes, but mostly she looked confused. Confused about why she'd done it and how much she'd enjoyed it probably. I could tell right away she was regretting it, but her body couldn't lie to me, or her. I moved my fingers against her as they were still snuggled in between her folds. She took a sharp breath and pushed against them as her eyes slammed shut.

She wanted more. She liked me touching her. She liked the way it felt. . .but sanity musta kicked in 'cause she didn't give in to it this time.

“Faith, I need to. . .” she looked at me with panic in her eyes. “I have a boyfriend. I love him. I shouldn't have let you. . .”

She didn't have to finish what she was saying and it didn't seem like she knew quite what to say anyway. I thought it was best to put her at ease. I understood what she wanted to say; she'd just needed to get off, and now was the part where she had to let me know it shouldn't have happened and that it would never happen again.

I told her it was cool. That it was just as fuck and she didn't have to get all crazy about it.

Nodding, she put her shorts right again and tried her best not to look at me. I could feel every pulse of her guilt and her shame. I knew it would never happen again. Thing was. . .it did happen again. We never talked about what we'd done, but a few nights later during patrol we ended up screwing each other in the grass of one of the graveyards we went through. She fingered me back that time. We did it together. We came hard for each other and I tried not to care that when we parted she went straight to Angel's place.

But I did care, and no matter how much I push it out, it's always there. I want what I can't have. She's giving me herself to fuck, but nothing more. . .and it's starting to hurt.

“And this one's called the. . .Faith are you listening?” Giles asks as he grimaces at me.

Of course I'm not listening, I'm watching Buffy pull her leg up past her shoulder and wondering how deep I could fuck her in that position. No way is Giles' droning voice gonna get through thoughts like that. Thing is, I gotta stop these thoughts, and I know I gotta stop doing what I am with B. It's messing us both up, and making me feel like getting the hell out of helltown before one of us does something stupid. Wasn't planning on running, but maybe I should.

We finally get done with the training and I grab my stuff to head home. Buffy's Mom is picking her up and I'm thinking about the grub I can pick up on my walk back to the motel. Maybe burgers, fries, even a pizza.

“I'll see you later,” Buffy mumbles in my direction as she hurries towards her Mom's car.

I look at her for a second before nodding. Sure, whatever Buffy wants I guess. Only, I'm thinking it's about time I stopped playing lap-dog. . .even if I do crave her touch as much as she craves mine. I can't stand the way things are right now. I can't stand myself, or her.

She skips off to get in the car and I throw my bag over my shoulder and leave. I pass the burger place and the pizza place and head for the store not too far from my motel. I blew the guy who works there and now I get to buy what the fuck I want without getting asked for ID.

The bag of booze I got will go down a treat, then maybe I'll just forget about meeting Buffy later. I have to. I can't let us do this to each other anymore.



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