Girls

Al-Qaeda Needs You!
(only if you are a virgin)

Girls, do you want a religious man?

A man who will love you?

If you do!

We have many fine young men, in heaven, waiting for your love. We promised these fine young men 72 virgins as their reward for murdering unbelievers and infidels. Because we had so many volunteers sacrificing their life in our cause, we now have a shortage of virgins in heaven for these young men. 

So, young virgins, we need you. You are guaranteed passage directly to heaven upon your sacrifice. You, along with 71 of your sisters in Allah, will share the wonderful love of one of our heroes. Fine Muslim men, that have maimed and  murdered in the name of Islam to gain passage to heaven. They are there, in heaven, waiting for you.

All that is required is that you sacrifice yourself in the service of Allah by spreading death and destruction among the infidels.

If you are not Muslim, you too, can join us.

Please contact

Osama Bin Laden
Third cave on the left
Chitral, Pakistan

FAQ

Virgin 1: I am a virgin and someday I hope to have a family. Can I have children in heaven?

Osama: There is no death in heaven and there can be no birth. Your purpose in heaven is to service the man's needs.

Virgin 2: If it is a sin for me to fornicate on earth, why is it o.k. for me to fornicate in heaven?

Osama: It is a gift from God for the service completed on earth.

Virgin 2: How can men have needs in Heaven? If they have needs, then they have desire. Along with desire, maybe they have envy, jealousy, and hate. That doesn't sound like heaven to me?

Osama: God grants only the things he wishes you to have.

Virgin 3: I am a Christian. My god is the god of love and forgiveness. We also believe there is evil in the world and its source is the devil. The devil brings death and destruction upon the earth. It seems to me that Allah must be the devil.

Osama: We do not concern ourselves with non-believers. They will be punished for their lack of belief. Allah is God.

Virgin 3: I guess I just don't understand. How can the spreading of death and destruction be of God?

Osama: You are just a woman, you cannot understand. Your job is to spread your legs on earth and in heaven.

Virgin 4: I want to help the cause, but I am afraid I might accidentally kill believers along with the infidels.

Osama: Do not worry, if they are true believers, they will just find themselves in heaven sooner than expected.

Virgin 5: If I kill virgins from other faiths, will they go to heaven?

Osama: If a man is held in high regard in heaven, God may grant him his dog, if he wishes. Women, like the dog, are in heaven to serve the man. The woman's faith does not matter when she is selected for heaven. Her joy is to make the man happy. She serves him, he serves God.

Virgin 5: Can I blow up an American high school to get a lot of virgins?

Osama: At first we thought it would be a good idea, but then we realized, there are no virgins in American high schools.