Them Yankees Don't Know Nuttin About Texas!INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
These are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was
visiting Texas from New Jersey and fell into it:
"Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State Fair
in Texas, and was asked to fill in to be a judge at a chili cook-off.
Apparently the original judge, # 3, called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there when the call came in. I was assured by the
other two judges (Native Texans) that it would be a fun event & a true taste
of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy, & besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so
I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope
that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed
to taste besides pain. I had to wave off 3 people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw
the look on my face.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been
snorting Draino. Everyone knows the routine by now. Bar maid pounded me on
the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild
foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh
refills; that 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT, just like this
nuclear-waste I'm eating.
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and
four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when
I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue
from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really
pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those
rednecks!
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and
peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions & garlic.
Superb!!
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric
flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me. I needed to wipe my ass
with a snow cone!
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers
at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He
appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and wouldn't
feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to
match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it,
I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Helens Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed
out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going to make it.
FRANK: (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable To report)
Osama Bin Laden Bomb song!!
In The Skys
The United Airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay
flight attendant who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well dressed, rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pity-pat us onto the ground. She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one." The flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Put the tray up, Bitch."
Texas Green Snake?
ALWAYS
THOUGHT GREEN SNAKES WERE OK? READ ........
Green Garden Grass snakes can
be dangerous, Yes, grass snakes, not
rattlesnakes.
A couple in
Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a
recent cold spell,
the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect
them from a possible
freeze. It turned out that a little green garden
grass snake was hidden in
one of the plants and when it had
warmed up, it slithered out and the wife
saw it go under the sofa. She
let out a very loud scream.
The husband
who was taking a shower ran out into the living room naked to
see what the
problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on
the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.
About that time the
family dog came and cold-nosed him on the leg. He
thought the snake had
bitten him and he fainted. His wife thought he had
a heart attack, so she
called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in and
loaded him on the stretcher
and started carrying him out.
About that time the snake came out from under
the sofa and the Emergency
Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of
the stretcher. That's
when the man broke his leg and why he is in the
hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so
she called
on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed
himself
with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon
he
decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on
the sofa in
relief. But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the
cushions, where she
felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and
fainted, the snake rushed
back under the sofa, and the neighbor man,
seeing her laying there passed
out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just
returned from shopping at the grocery
store, saw her husband's mouth on the
woman's mouth and slammed her
husband in the back of the head with a bag of
canned goods, knocking him
out and cutting his scalp to a point where it
needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw
her neighbor
lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she
assumed he had
been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen,
brought back a small
bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's
throat.
By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man,
smelled the
whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred.
They were about
to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how
it all
happened over a little green snake. They called an ambulance,
which took
away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Just then the
little snake crawled out from under the couch. One of the
policemen drew his
gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the
leg of the end table
that was on one side of the sofa. The table fell
over and the lamp on it
shattered. As the bulb broke, it started a fire
in the drapes.
The
other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the
window into
the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up
and raced out into
the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it
and smashed into the
parked police car and set it on fire.
Meanwhile the burning drapes had
spread to the walls and the entire house
was blazing.
Neighbors had called
the fire department and the arriving fire truck had
started raising his
ladder as they were halfway down the street. The
rising ladder tore out
the overhead wires and put out the electricity and
disconnected the
telephones in a ten-square city block area.
Time passed
---
Both men were discharged from the hospital,
the house was re-built, the
police! acquired a new car, and all was right
with their world
About a year after the original incident, the couple was watching
TV. The
weatherman announced a cold snap was forecasted for that night.
The
husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their
plants
for the night
SHE SHOT HIM!!
Now for all those Cat lovers out there you'll really love this!!
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CNN News Bulletin
At a hastily called press conference this morning,
Taliban Minister Of Emigration, Mohammed Omar,
warned the United States that if any additional
military action was taken against Afghanistan,
Taliban authorities would not hesitate to cut off
America's supply of convenience store managers.
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MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME!!This for all of those kids ages 9 - 30 somthin... When you read this you'll say, "Thats SOO my Mom, It's NOT EVEN FUNNY!!!" LOLMy mother taught me RELIGION - "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY - "Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM - "Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA - "You'll sit there 'til everything on that plate is finished."
My mother taught me about WEATHER - "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times -Don't exaggerate!!!"
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE - "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - "Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY - "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
The Bear
An atheist was walking through the woods, admiring all the "accidents" that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers!
What beautiful animals!", he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a
rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards
him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He
looked over his shoulder and saw the grizzly was closing. Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that
tears came to his eyes. He looked again and the bear
was even closer.
His heart was pounding and he tried to run faster.
He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but the bear was right over him,
reaching for him with its left paw and raising its
right paw strike him.
At that instant the atheist cried, "Oh my God!...."
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, " You
deny my existence for all these years, teach others
that I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out
of this predicament? Am I to count you as a
believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It
would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear
a Christian?"
"Very well" said the voice. The light went out.
The river ran. The sounds of the forest resumed.
...and then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed its head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to
receive, I am truly thankful"
We've all been there.. This Speaks for its self! --
Uh, YEAH.. ok....
Now, You all know we cant leave men and their friends alone with babies!!! this photo PROVES IT!!!!
MORE COMING SOON!!
Last Updated 10/05/2002
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