In high school I wrote and edited my own page in the newspaper, i called it "Chris Galligher's page" (inventive title) this site has most of the articles under odd essays. this is some stuff that i have thought of since then.
When people get drunk, they like to say "I'm drunk off my ass." but this really makes little since. When you get severely drunk you usually fall on your ass. So, in reality you are drunk on your ass.
10 things that piss me off
1) White guys who try to say spanish names with hispanic accents.
2) People who talk on cellular telephones just to "Look Cool"
3) People who put movie lines into everyday conversations.
4) People who let their sunglasses slide down their noses.
5) Anyone who thinks they have an "interesting comment" about the weather.
6) Authors who spell out numbers over 20
7) When the first letter of a book is in big old english print
8) Restaurants that serve sodas out of cans
9) Any one under the age of 12 that expects their taste in music to be taken seriously
10) People who try to rebel against anything while wearing a tommy hilfiger shirt. (TERRELL!!!)
Why is an oriental tourist so amused by everything?
"Thats besides the point"
How about on top of the point, why isnt any thing ever in a vertical relation to the point? Even in horizontal relations why dont they specify? Is it to the left or right?
"Man his house smells funny!"
Why is it that everyone elses house smells funny? Some of them smell bad. Others smell rather plesant, you think "I wish my house smellt this way" I had this friend whose house smelld horiible. One day he decided to move and deep down inside i thought "I'm glad i dont have to smell that smell anymore." So i helped him move his new house smellt great and i thought "alright, that smell is finally in the past" The next time i came back to his house apon opening the door i was greeted by a strange, yet familiar odor. Thats right it was back! How did it find him? Did he leave a forwadring address? Did it look him up in the phone book?
An Arm and a Leg
Often times, when describing an expencive item, "like for example, your wives gold plated dildo with the dimond studs" people will use the phrase, "that cost me an arm and a leg" well ive been thinking about this alot latley (in my infanate spare time) and ive descided that this phrase confuses and horrifies me. First off, who ould want to barter with an appendage? where would i be able to find an arm or leg dealer? Ive met alot of fishy chericters in my day, but never an arm nor leg dealer. Second, why are these the only body parts that we trade with? I personally would think some internal, transplantlible organ would be worth more (like for instance a spleen) Third, and most frighting, is the thought WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE THESE PEOPLE DOING WITH ALL OUR ARMS AND LEGS! Well i for one have come up with the answer, and here it is, only one type of person would be collecting arms and legs from good hard working Americans, the type of person who wants to disable workers, and kill captialism, thats right! our good old freinds the communists! damn you commy bastards! damn you all to hell!
Why cant i name my kid Jesus
You know somthing, it doesnt sem fair! hispanic people can name thier kid Jesus. Sure, the pronounce it different, but their naming him after the same guy. Nine out of ten muslim guys in the world are named Mohomed, and still if i were o name my kid Jesu it would be sacreligous. This does not seem fair to me, come on people all i want is to raise little Jesus without him getting hasseled. could you imagine, th sunday school teacher calling role? or what about when he got in trouble, it wouldbe hard to yell at someone named Jesus woulnt it? Jesus! Jesus whats the matter with you! you wuld hav to find another exclamitory word i would think. i cant really think of a good way to end this, so im just gonna stop.
CONGRADULATIONS!
This phrase has recently become suspect to me.i was thinking about this word and, to tell you the truth, i have never met someone who could actually tell me what a congradulation was. or why we need to hand out more than one. nor can they specify how many congradulations they are giving you. someone comes up to you, "congradulations on beating joey the fat fuck in that jacking off contest." and you ask them. "how many congradulaions are you giving me?" and they call you wierd! WHAT! how di i get to be the wierd one here? i just want to keep track of how many congradulations i have, you know incase i get audited by the IRS i dont want to be unprepared! so i keep records of all my congradulaions. please bear with me folks, i need t getone more thing out of this rant. if people dont actually know what a congradulation is, why are we handing them out so freely. i know im gonna need to know a little more info about these things before i go handing them out to people i know and love like they are candy on halloween. so people im begging you, dont hand out things you dont understand!
Curiosity killed the cat.
this phrase is just plain illogical. i mean the world has lost alot of cats! millions of cats have died, the have died of many things but curiosity has never directly killed a cat, CARS KILL CATS, people kill cats, dogs kill cats, even falling medeorits have been responcible for more cat mortalitys than curisosity. if curiosity is reall killing so many cats, than why doesnt bob barker ever say anything about it; bob is an animal freak, hes always pushing that animal shit on you while you are trying to watch the showcase shodown. and why exactly should we listen to him? what makes people admire bob barker so much that we are supposed to care about pets being spayed or nuetered. and im sorry but i would rather kill my dog than nueter him! but im off the subject curiosity is not guilty, all you people have is cercumstatntal evedince! stop slandering curiosity! It didnt do it!
Bathroom chatters
my lord it has been a while since i wrote anything on this page, over a year, i still have random chris thoughts, i am just really busy...... wait....... by busy i mean lazy. but anyway here i am to rant, lets think about all the things i could write about lots of world issues going on, but that just wouldnt be my style now would it. one thing that has really been chafeing my ass latley is bathroom talkers. you know what i am talking about, these people who think when i go into the bathroom its time for "SOCIAL HOUR" usually these pricks wanna talk about the wheather, "sure is a pretty day today," look jackass im in a public bathroom, i had to go outside to get here from my house, i know its a pretty day, since when did taking a shit it the same as me qualify you as my own personal weatherman? i like to meet new people, i expect it when i go out in public, i am a fairly social person, but when i go in the bathroom, i am usually on a fairly strict agenda, pissing or shiting , and for some odd reason i think of this as a fairly private venture, so now when people try to make pointless conversation with me in the bathroom, i begin to ask them questions appropriate for the bathroom, "some shit you just took buddy" it made my eyes water. or "gotta wash off those dick germs before returning to public, otherwise your popcorn will taste like ball cheese."
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