Jokes
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating
peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his
mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a
question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in
his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in
only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for
assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried
and decided to go to hospital. As they were ready to go out
the door, their daughter came home with her date. After
being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he
could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to
sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and
told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew
out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The
young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter
brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to
eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father. The
mother said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you
think he's going to be when he grows older?!" The father
replies, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"
One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner
came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the
nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and
toughest whore in the Yukon!" he said to the bartender. "We
got her!" replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the second
room on the right." The miner handed the bartender a gold
nugget to pay for the whore and two beers. He grabbed the
bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door
on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest,
roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" The woman inside
the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!" Then
she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How
do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the
miner. "I don't," replied the whore, "I just thought you
might like to open those two beers first."
The following is a father's advice to his son just moments before he
gets on the bus that will carry him off to join the Army:
"Son, you are getting ready to embark on a great adventure as many of
the men in our family have done since your
great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather did many hundreds
of years ago.
There will be many dangers ahead that you will encounter. Remember your
training and obey your commanders, this will keep you alive during the
arduous days of battle. Always stay with the plan, if you deviate from
it you will be in grave jeopardy.
When the time of battle is over, be wary as you go into the towns and
cities ahead because there are many hidden dangers lurking there.
There will be many temptations to lure you away from your brothers in arms
and this could put you in danger even if it seems safe at the time. In
every town there will be a street that will be most treacherous of all.
There will be strong drink to dull your senses, loud and crude songs to
suppress your hearing, and wild women of ill repute to enable your
enemy to catch you off guard. My advice to you as a former soldier is
simple
- What ever you do... FIND THAT STREET."
Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father
goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says...
"Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"
The mom says... "the bigger they are, the dumber they are."
He goes back to play on the beach...... Several minutes later he comes
running back and says... "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than
Daddy's!"
The mom says... "the bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and
says...
"Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more
and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got !"
Two moose hunters from Texas are flown into a remote lake in Alaska. They
have a good hunt, and both manage to get a large moose. When the plane
returns to pick them up, the pilot looks at the animals and says, "This
little plane won't lift all of us, the equipment, and both of those
animals - you'll have to leave one. We'd never make it over the trees on
the take off."
"That's baloney", says one of the hunters.
"Yeah," the other agrees. "You're just chicken. We came out here last year
and got two moose and that pilot had some guts. He wasn't afraid to take
off!"
"Yeah", said the first hunter, "and his plane wasn't any bigger than yours!"
The pilot got angry and said, "Well, shoot. If he did it, then I can do it.
I can fly as well as anybody!" They loaded up, taxied at full throttle, and
the plane almost made it, but didn't have the lift to clear the trees at the
end of the lake. It clipped the tops, then flipped, then broke up,
scattering the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers all through the
brush. Still alive but hurt and dazed, the pilot sat up, shook his head to
clear it and said, "Where are we?"
One of the hunters rolled out from being thrown into a bush, looked around,
and said "I'd say...about a hundred yards further than last year...
Two honeymooners asked the hotel clerk for a suite. "Would
you like a bridal?" the clerk asked.
The new bride blushed
and replied. "No thanks. I'll just hold on to his shoulders
until I get the hang of it."
The quotes below are complaints reported by clients of Room
111, a public health clinic in St. Paul that treats people
for sexually transmitted diseases. Nurses at the clinic
began creating the list two decades ago; it now includes
several hundred comments. Here are a few samples...
"I have reason to believe my penis was exposed to LSD.
When I ejaculate I have flashbacks."
"My hair is falling out and the sun hurts my crotch."
"I went to a party, had a few beers, woke up in a closet
later on and my face stunk and my dick hurt."
"My last period looked like meat."
"My balls feel soft and mushy."
"I be messin' with these nasty women from Minnesota and they
don't tell you they got something unless they mad at you."
"How am I supposed to do lap dances smelling like a dead fish?"
Sue was playing hard to get, so Greg played his last and biggest trump
card. "I'll bet you I can keep my eye on my beer whilst 1 go out to my car," he
challenged her.
Sue knew that this was impossible so she put down $10 and said, "You're
on."
Greg took out a glass eye, placed it on the bar beside his glass, went out
to his car, came back and claimed the bet." Tell you what, I'll give you a
chance to win your money back", he said. I bet you $10 I can bite my own
ear."
"No chance! You're on". said Sue.
He took out a set of false teeth and bit his ear lobe with them, and
picked up the money once again he said. " To show you I am a sport,I'll give
you
another chance, Double or nothing. I bet you I can poke my head through
this hole", he said, holding up his hand and making a circle with his thumb and
forefinger.
Sue checked the size of the hole several times and said, "OK, smartie!
You're on."
He poked the forefinger of his other hand through the hole and touched his
forehead. "You're down $40", said Greg, "I'll give you one last chance to
get your money back. 1 bet I can make love to you so gently, so tenderly
that you won't even feel it."
Sue knew that this was just impossible, so she threw down $40 and said,
"No way you can do that! You're on!"
Greg led Sue to the back seat of his car where he proceeded to bonk the
daylights out of her, fucking furiously. "Oh wow! Oh God! Oh shit!" Sue
screamed. "1 can feel it! oh my God, can I feel it!!! Oh WOW! You've lost
the bet Mr. Smart Arse."
"Ah, what a bastard," said Greg as he continued fucking Sue, "but ... you
win some, you lose some"
A judge asked a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a
school teacher with a chain saw."
From out in the audience a man shouted, "Lying bastard!"
"Silence in the court!", the Judge shouted back to the man. He turned to the
defendant and said, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a
shovel."
"Tightwad!", blurted the man again.
"Quiet!", yelled the judge who continued, "You are also charged with killing
a mailman with an electric drill."
"Son of a..." the man started to shout when the Judge thundered back, "If
you don't tell me reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold in
contempt!"
So the man answered, "I've lived next to that man for ten years now, but do
you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one!"
A friend of mine who is traveling chemicals salesman visited a small town in
the East Texas and saw circus banner reading:
"Don't Miss The Amazing Texan."
Curious, he buys a ticket. The tent goes dark. Suddenly, trumpets blare and
all eyes turn to the center ring. There, spot lit in the center ring is a
table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it is an old retired
cowboy.
Suddenly the old man unzips his pants, whips out a huge penis and smashes
all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupts in applause as
the elderly Texan is carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and he sees a
faded sign for the same circus and the same: "Don't Miss the Amazing Texan."
He can't believe the old guy is still alive much less still doing his act!
So he buys a ticket!
Again, the center ring is illuminated. This time, instead of walnuts, three
coconuts are placed on the table. The Texan stands before them, then
suddenly unzips his fly and smashes the coconuts with three swings of his
amazing member. The crowd goes wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a
meeting with him after the show.
You're incredible," he tells the Texan. "But I have to know something.
You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
Well, says the Texan: "My eyes aren't what they used to be."
SIGNS OF A BAD FIRST DATE
Not only is she a little young, but you're sure that
you used to date her mother.
You find out her real name is Vinnie, and you used to play little league
with her.
She has a thicker moustache than you.
When you go to pick her up, her lawyer meets you at the door with a contract
describing your duties and restrictions. You jokingly ask her if she wants to
go down to Atlantic City and get married. She then informs you that leaving the
state is a violation of her parole.
Her bra and panties are wired to an alarm system.
You walk away from her front door with the roses you got her shoved up
your ass.
You are the first guy that she's gone out with that isn't her cousin.
At the end of the night she gives you a coupon that is good for a free
shot of penicillin at the nearest clinic.
She beats the shit out of some guy for making fun of your hair cut.
You wake up the next morning with a wicked hangover. In the bed next to
you is Janet Reno.
At the end of the night, you drop her off at her house and her pimp is
waiting there with your bill.
You wake up to find your loins covered with purple and green spots, with
an intense itching in your left thigh.
She keeps staring at you all through dinner, then
finally asks if you want to meet Satan.
She is better hung than you.
She informs you that you can't go out again because her boyfriend doesn't
like you.
A man wants to go on a diet to lose some weight so he can finally get a girlfriend. He reads the paper and finds something interesting. Lose 10 lbs in a week. Impressed the man decides to call the number and sets up his apointment for the next day.
The next day he wakes up bright and early. Around 10 in the morning he hears a knock on his door. He opens the door and there in front of him stands the most beautiful women he has ever seen. Shes wearing nothing but sneakers and a sign that says "If you catch me you can have me"
So like a shot the man darts after the woman. He finally catches her and gets his reward. This goes on for the week and sure enough he loses the 10 pounds. He decides to go one step up and lose 20 pounds in a week. Same thing happens, same girl shows up, and he takes off. After another week he loses the 20 lbs.
Almost at the weight he wants he decides to go for the 50 lbs in a week program. He makes the apointment and waits anxiously. Finally he hears the bell ring. He races to answer the door only to find the biggest black man he had ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but sneakers and a sign that says "If i catch you your ass is mine."
Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.
"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.
"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.
"How long did it take you?"
"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"
George Bush is so stupid, he went to a concert and waved to Stevie Wonder.
Top ten reasons George W. Bush should be impeached
1) Compassionativity is not a word.
2) Social Security IS a federal program.
3) Benjamin Franklin did NOT invent the light bulb.
4) Trout are not extinct.
5) Brazil DOES have blacks.
6) Speaking is an important part of being president.
7) Our children is learning enough.
8) Fool me once, shame on you... fool me twice, shame on me.
9)Two words... Big Oil.
10) Sanity is an inalieble right.
A Dell employee got busted for pot in Manhattan recently. President Bush and many conservative lawmakers are surprisingly upset, as they have always pushed the view that marijuanna is a Gateway drug.
One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?"
The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's rights and storms away.
Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'."
whats the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon and Michael Jackson rapes little boys.
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