November, 2000
It's strange. Sometimes, life can be going as well as seems possible and yet... i'm not made entirely happy by it. Where i essentially have what i need in life, both material and otherwise, i'm missing something. At these times i get these periods of depression which i can't explain. It may last one night, or longer. But it is hard to deal with when i'm unsure of what i'm trying to deal with. All i know is that i feel as if i should move into the woods for a year or so.
Of course i know i wouldn't be able to bare it, not without a few of those people who give me the most happiness, who i suppose i'll leave unnamed. I suppose that's my main problem: i'm lonely. But why am i lonely? I have some friends who i would never give up. That still doesn't change it. Christ, i feel guilty about it.
It's times like that where i get to wondering. If Death were to lay her hand on me, would that be such a bad thing? If i were to die, through my view of death, i would be unable to regret dying. I would be unable to regret anything. But i am still wary of Death because i realize i am not "englightened" and may have things to fear if there is a life after this one.
This isn't to say i'm considering suicide. Which isn't to say i don't think about it either. I have thought about suicide every once in a while but do not consider it an option in any way, and do not support it. But it brings me back to the idea of regrets. If one were to do it, would you really regret it? Many religious say so. But what for one such as me, without a religion?




September, 2000
There is a saying that fear is our greatest motivation. Of course, I find this true. But for different people, other emotions may serve the same purpose, be it love or hatred. I've realized in recent times that anger, frustration and depression do this for me. There isn't a truly large number of people who are able to hurt me, but when they do I take my emotion out on my work: by completing it and improving upon it. I feel that when I am experiencing those three, I also do my best work. So if you hurt me in the past, thank you. I probably got a lot done that day.