It has been one year, two months and three days since I first heard this song that would forever touch my life.  This is a day I will never forget, because, as much as I hated it back then, there was only one thing that would make me see the light so to say, and there are five guys who I would love to thank for that.

Well, I guess the only way to tell this story is to start from the beginning.   First I have to tell you about some things in my life that I don’t normally talk about.  Some are sad, some are funny.

It all started when I was 17, and just starting my senior year of high school.   Things in my life were so screwed up.  I had a very abusive relationship, one that almost destroyed me.  All my life I had been very independent and headstrong.  I was stubborn to the core, but in the end, I usually was respected for my values and my beliefs.  I was usually too generous with people, and it ended up hurting me more than not.  But, most of my friends said that I had special qualities that were hard to find in a friend.  I was honest, caring and trustworthy, but most importantly, loyal.  However, this relationship destroyed everything about me.  I was beaten physically and emotionally, and broken down as a person.  I soon found myself weakened and lost.  I suddenly had a hatred for the world and for everything around me.  I didn’t trust anyone, and I was ready to take my life, in exchange for peace.

When everything in my life took a turn for the worse, there was only one person who believed in me.  He picked me up, and dusted me off, so to say, and then helped me get my life back in order.  And to this day…I love him with all my heart.  Sweetheart, you know who you are, and always remember, I love you, forever.

But, despite the love that I had with the man, I could never shake the horrible feelings I had from time to time.  Life always seemed to come back and haunt me.  It took 6 long years before I could become strong again, and learn to deal with everything in life.  Never once did he leave my side, nor did he ever show disgust or hatred towards me for what had happened.  At least I had one person who believed me.

Then, life threw some more difficulties at me.  I always thought that God did things for reasons, and to this day, I still believe that.  I have always had a problem with my leg, and for as long as I can remember, I have not been able to do the things that most people my age like to.  I can’t dance, I can’t run, and I can’t get around easily.  But, I never let it stop me.  I never gave up.  I vowed to keep positive about my life, and to never let go of my dreams and my hopes.  Everyone was proud of me because of inability to give up on things.  Everyone, except me.

I had put myself in a position where I was always in denial with my disability.  I insisted on never breaking down.  I refused to let anyone tell me that I couldn’t do something.  But, after I graduated from college, I soon found that there were people who doubted me and knew I couldn’t do the things I wanted.   I even put myself through surgery to help fix me, but it never worked.  Now I am permanently disabled, but not incapacitated.  I can still walk, far more than the doctors thought I would be able to.  But, sadly, my body is broken down, and disagrees with my will to be strong sometimes.

I did my best to prove to others that I was strong, and that I could do anything that they threw in front of me.  Sadly, I was disappointed to find out just how very wrong I was.  I was rejected for jobs in my field of study because I was disabled.  This hurt my ego, but worse than that, it hurt my pride and my strength.  I felt like a failure, and a disgrace.  I was the only one in my family to graduate from college so far, and here I was, with a worthless degree.  And for that, I was crushed.

There were only three people who believed in me totally and unconditionally.  One was my boyfriend, who I thank God everyday for.  Second was my grandmother.  She and I have been close since I was a baby.  I knew that no matter what I told her, she would never think badly about me or stop being there for me.  For that, I am eternally grateful.  And third, my aunt.  She has also been there, never letting go when I needed someone to hold on to.

But, my biggest problem was that the few that did believe in me and loved me for who I was, never seemed enough for me.  Nothing could convince me that I wasn’t a failure.  None of them could break the spell that seemed to come over me.  I crept back into depression, and found myself having the same kind of anxiety attacks that I had years before.  I couldn’t fight anymore…I felt so alone.

Well, you are all probably wondering what any of this has to do with the Boys.  Well, read on, because for those of you who know me personally, I am not a woman of few words.  When I tell a story, I tell it all, nothing less.

In my desperate attempts to find “myself” and my life, I secluded myself in my room.  Over time, I usually found myself roaming around the internet looking for things that interested me.  I loved country music and I loved Broadway.  Well, after joining so many mailing lists and so many clubs, I came across a few people that I would soon realize to be some of the nicest and best friends I could have.  We would talk about everything over the computer until all hours at night.  Well, one night, after months of chatting and all, a friend sent me a message that would make my life do a complete 180 turn.

*** *** ***

On May 29, 1999, I sat down to check my email, and found an interesting one from a 13 year old friend.  She wrote a quick message to me, that touched me.

“Dear Heather, I know that life seems to disappoint you sometimes, and I know that you feel lost.  You have love in your life, you have a few great friends, and you are successful.  Yet, I know in my heart, you feel lonely, and sad.  I don’t presume to know why, but, I think this song fits you so perfectly.  I know it is not the answer to all your problems, but it certainly does fit your feelings.  Hope you like the song.”

I sat there, wondering what she may have meant.  After I sat there staring for a moment, I scrolled the page down to find the song lyrics.  As I read them, I started to cry.  How could someone know me so well?  How could the person who wrote this song know that they were writing about my life?  And, whoever sang this, I had to know.

“Show me the meaning of being lonely, is this the feeling I need to walk with.  Tell me why, I can’t be there where you are…there’s something missing in my heart.”

That line was the one thing that hit me the hardest.  Yes, I was lonely, and yes, that is how I felt that I was destined to be.  I couldn’t be there near the few people who truly understood me and believed in me.  And, although I had a very happy relationship with a very loving and caring man, my heart still was missing something.

I quickly wrote back to my friend and asked whom the song was from.  When she wrote back, I laughed at the answer.

“The Backstreet Boys?  Oh please, there is no way that a teeny bopper group like them could sing something so full of emotion and reality.”  I said aloud as I read her response.

I soon wrote back laughing, telling her that she must be crazy for sending me that.  I quickly found out that I was totally wrong.  Little did I know that those five talented men knew more about life than I would ever even venture to know.

“Heather, give them a change.  I know you don’t like Pop music, and well, that’s okay, but I really think you should give them a try.  Please, just do it for me.” she wrote back.

I sat there thinking, “This is crazy, I am reading the lyrics to a song that the Backstreet Boys sang, and it is actually making sense!”

I wrote back and told her thank you and that I would go and get the cd.  I hadn’t actually heard the song, and to be honest, I hardly knew who they were.  Let’s just say, the only impression in my head about them was that they were this group, kind of like New Kids On The Block.  My spine shivered as I thought back to the days when I loved, no lusted rather, over NKOTB.  I didn’t want to remind myself of those old days where I was a teeny who thought nothing more of wanting to kiss Joey McIntyre every morning before I left for school.

It embarrassed me to sit there and think that this song was affecting me more than any other ever had.  How in the world did I get myself into this?   Britney Spears, *NSYNC, and Backstreet Boys were for teenage girls, not a grown woman.  Little did I realize at the time, that I was so wrong in my judgement, and if it weren’t for a 13 year old girl, I would probably still be in depression, or even worse, not here anymore.

The next day, I dropped by Barnes and Noble to look in the Music section.  Low and behold, there was a cardboard stand with the Backstreet Boys album.  I looked at it, pondering over the title, Millennium.  I thought it was amusing, and as I walked to the register, I looked over the song titles.  “Larger Than Life”, “Back To Your Heart”, and “Don’t Want You Back”?  Yup, they all sounded like teeny bopper titles, but I did promise my friend to give it a try.

As I pushed the CD across the register counter, the young lady who was working smiled at me.  “Do you like the Backstreet Boys, miss?” she asked.

“Um, I don’t know.  My friend told me to get this, so, I am.  I really don’t know much about them or their music.  But, she asked me to give them a chance.” I answered honestly.

“Well, I will tell you this…I wasn’t a fan until I got this album.  Trust me, you won’t be disappointed.” she said, as I gave her my money.

“Thanks!” I said as I took my purchase and made a bee-line for my car.  I immediately started to rip the plastic wrap off of it and then popped it into my car CD player.

Within minutes, I found myself amazed at what I heard.  Never would I have guessed that THIS was the Backstreet Boys.  I giggled like a 5 year old as I drove home.  And then suddenly, I heard the song that I had read about.

“So many words for the broken heart, it’s hard to see, in a crimson love, so hard to breathe, walk with me and maybe.  Nights of life, soon become, wild and free, I can feel the sun, you’re every wish, will be done, they tell me.”

Immediately my eyes filled with tears.  It was my song.  As I listened to the guys sing, I could feel the hurt and the pain that they sang about.  As soon as I got home, I tried to figure out who sang what part, and why.  I had to know about them.  They put so much emotion into singing the song, that I knew there had to be some significant meaning to it.

As I looked over the cover picture, one particular Boy caught my attention.  It was something about his eyes that drew me in.  He looked concentrated on something, but I couldn’t figure it out.  As I started to browse through the album’s liner notes, I saw more pictures of this young man.  The more I concentrated on them, the sadder I felt.  I saw the name Nick on one of the pictures.  “My gosh Nick, why are you so sad?  You have it all, fame, fortune, and the love of millions of girls.”

I laughed as I read through the thank you’s in the booklet.  It seemed like Nick was the shy one, with very little to say.  However, there were a few that seemed to love to talk, just like me.  I had to laugh, because their thanks tended to ramble on and on, just like with me.  But, Nick’s message kept me intrigued.  There were a series of numbers in his thanks.  I had to giggle when I realized what they meant.  I honestly thought that I was one of the only people who used what I called “pager codes” to write messages.  I ran to my desk, pulled out a piece of paper and tried to figure out what he was saying.  Once I did, my mind was boggled.

Nick Carter, the youngest member of the group (as I later found out), had hit on the very essence of life.  “Live life to the fullest, for the future is scarce.”

Along with the song, that one line hit me harder than a ton of bricks.  I had always believed in never giving up on your dreams…striving to do everything possible that you could do to make your life worthwhile, and here was this guy, who felt just like I did.  I knew in my heart that he was just like me, had most everything he needed in life, but there was still something missing.  I could see it in his eyes, I could see his soul.

*** *** ***

Weeks went by, and I made it a personal goal to get to know a little more about the Boys.  I was intrigued by their music, so, I went out and bought a copy of Backstreet’s Back (Australian version).  Little did I know that this wasn’t even the US release.  I didn’t realize that they Boys had a couple of albums.  When I got home, and put the cd in, it didn’t sound like the one that my friend had told me about.  Only a handful of songs were familiar, but, I did enjoy what I heard.

The songs “Like A Child” and “That’s What She Said” really touched me.  I loved the songs and I thought they had something unique about them.  I had never heard such wonderful harmonization from anyone.  The music really touched my heart and I will never forget the feelings I had when I first heard the new songs.

However, I still had no idea who each one of the guys were, and I had no clue who sang what part.  When I told my boyfriend that I liked their music, he laughed, but supported me.  He even helped me get a video so that I could watch it.

It wasn’t until I watched “Homecoming: Live From Orlando” that I finally got to “see” the guys up close and get to know them.  I loved what I saw. Each one of them had their own unique personality, and each one of the seemed to have a least one thing in common.  I quickly learned their names and faces, and as soon as the video was over, I found myself watching it again.  For some reason, I knew that they were all just five normal guys that had their own problems and found life difficult at times just like me.

As time went on, I learned a lot about each of them.  Okay, I won’t lie, I thought they were all pretty HOT guys!  Yeah, Kevin had that tall, dark and handsome look, the kind of guy that you only wish would pick you out a crowd and take you off to his palace and treat you like a queen.  AJ had that mysterious, yet sexual side to him.  He was the lady killer of the group, dragging you in head first, without a second thought.  Howie was that shy yet romantic guy who you could trust to be your friend forever, and that kind of guy that would love you unconditionally.  Brian was the guy next door who you could easily bring home to your family.  He seemed sweet and funny, which was something that most girls loved.  Last but certainly not least, was Nick.  He was the youngest and most adorable of the group.  He was shy, and kept to himself.  However, he could be a real prankster.  He was sweet, cute, and full of life.

I soon loved each of them for who they were.  They were all extremely gifted and talented.  I could relate to them, all in different ways.  They were five guys that I wish I could have had for friends.

Little do they know, they changed my life forever.  They helped me see that although life can be hard at times, you can make it.  I soon learned that each of them had gone through personal losses and tragedies just to get where they were today.  For that, I admired them for never giving up.  Here were these guys, continuously in the spotlight, and never having an ounce of privacy, living their lives and surviving the worst possible things that God could throw at them.  They were strong, and had so much faith in God and life, and that was the one lesson I learned from them.

“Life goes on, as it never ends, eyes of stone, observe the trends, they never say,  forever, gaze if only.  Beauty rose to an endless love, there’s no control, are you with me now, your every wish will be done.”

For some reason, my life just took a turn for the better.  I started to see the positive things in life, rather than dwell on the negative.  I had more appreciation for the things around me.  I had more passion in life than I ever had.  I learned to stand tall and just try my hardest.

People all around me commented on my changes, and smiled.  I knew that I owed a lot to those five guys.  Not only had they helped me “see the light”, they also gave me that little bit of hope that life would turn out okay.  My boyfriend and I have become even closer, finding happiness in the smallest things.   It even makes me laugh.  When he sees something with the Boys on it, he doesn’t hesitate to buy it for me.  He knows how happy they make me.  He knows their music makes me smile, so, he does everything in his power to make me happy.

Yeah, I am now almost 25 years old, and have a room full of Backstreet Boys memorabilia, but, heck, I don’t care.  It makes me happy…and for that, I am grateful.

I no longer wish to give up on things.  When I get scared or lonely, I close my eyes, and picture the five guys, and remember how they overcame their obstacles.  And with that, I have a new and refreshed energy to try again.

You wonder if I am criticized for being a fan?  Yes, I hear it every day.  People make fun of me because I am an “older” fan.  They are just like I was, back before I truly took the time to get to know the Boys.  They criticize and ridicule what they do not know.  They are afraid to let their hearts be touched by the voices of five extremely talented men.  And with that, they are missing out on so much life.

I have nothing but my utmost gratitude to Nick, Howie, AJ, Brian and Kevin.  If they can do it, with 80 million fans watching their every move, then I can do it too!  I have a renewed strength and a better outlook on life.

If I was able to thank each of the guys personally, I would want to tell them this:

AJ, thanks for showing me that being different is okay and cool.  You are not afraid of being unique, and I admire that.  You have a lot of passion, and that is something that I only wish I could possess so easily.  Thank you.

Brian, thanks for letting me see that God does work in mysterious ways.  He gave you such a wonderful gift.  I wish I had even a quarter of the talents that you have.  Never give up faith.  Keep the love in your  heart always.  I am happy that you and Leighanne have found such a great love in each other.

Kevin, thank you for having the ability to be so strong in life.  While life has thrown some hardships at you, you found the strength to go and never give up.  I am so glad to see that you are happy in life.  May God bless you and Kristin forever.

Howie, thank you for having such a giving and caring heart.  Your ability to be so down to earth, and so caring about others has made you such an asset in my life.  Your unconditional love towards those you don’t even know is amazing.  Never let go, and remember, there is an angel watching over you.

And lastly, Nick.  You have no idea what you have done for me.  I have seen sadness in your eyes, and I have seen love in your heart.  You have so much to offer and you are so extremely talented.  I don’t think you will ever know how much you mean to me.  Thank you for the best advice in the world.  Don’t worry, I DO live my life to the fullest.  My utmost respect and love for you, always.

The guys will probably never know what they have done for me.  But, I know that I am eternally grateful for the strength, faith, hope and love they have taught me.  Without them, I don’t know where I would be.

Thank you Backstreet Boys for everything.  I hope that someday I will have the opportunity to tell you in person, but until then, remember that you are each five truly wonderful and unique people.  Thank you for sharing your talents and your hearts with me.  I will never forget that!

Now in the end, I have come to listen to the music, and let it heal me.  As the song has taught me…

The music that the Boys sang touched my heart and it helped me find my way in life.  As crazy as it sounds, I owe them my happiness and joy.  I won’t say I owe them my life, because I just had to be taught that things will and do get better, you just have to find the strength to believe that.  And the Boys helped me find my strength and my hope.    For that, I will be eternally grateful.

A fan forever…from the bottom of my heart!

Music credits:

“Show Me The Meaning of Being of Lonely” Backstreet Boys  Millennium 1999

“Let The Music Heal Your Soul”  Bravo All Stars (including BSB and Aaron Carter) 1999