The Emperor's New Groove

Transcribed by: Sonja Kemp

Written on screen: Long ago, somewhere deep in the jungle...
(A llama sits in the middle of the jungle crying.)
Kuzco (llama): Aah! (whimpers) Wee-be-be-bee.
Kuzco (vo): Will you take a look at that. Pretty pathetic, huh? Well, you'll never believe this, but that llama you're looking at was once a human being. And not just any human being. That guy was an emperor. A rich, powerful ball of charisma Oh, yeah! This is his story.
(The llama continues to cry.)
Kuzco: (vo) Well, actually, my story. That's right, I'm that llama. The name is Kuzco. Emperor Kuzco. I was the world's nicest guy and they ruined my life for no reason! Oh, is that hard to believe? Look, I tell you what, you go back a ways, you know, before I was a llama, and this will all make sense.
(We go back to when Kuzco was a baby.)
Kuzco: (vo) All right, now see, that's a little too far back. Oh, ho! Look at me! That's me as a baby!
Kuzco (baby): Waaaaaaaaaaaah! Hehehehe!
Kuzco (vo): Ahem! All right, let's move ahead...

(The Palace)
Kuzco: Oh yeah.
Theme Song Guy: (os) There are despots and dictators
Political manipulators
There are bluebloods with the intellect of fleas
There are kings and petty tyrants
Who are so lacking in refinements
They'd be better suited swinging from the trees
He was born and raised to rule
No one has ever been this cool
In a thousand years of aristocracy
An enigma and a mystery
In Meso-American history
The quintessence of perfection that is he

Kuzco: (vo) Okay, this is the real me. (points to llama) Not this. (points to himself as a human) This! (points to llama) Not this. (points to himself as a human) Winner. (points to llama) Loser! Okay, see this palace? Everyone in it is at my command. Check this out. Butler! Chef! Theme song guy!

Theme Song Guy: Oh yeah!
He's the sovereign lord of the nation
He's the hippest cat in creation
He's the alpha, the omega, a to z
And his perfect world will spin
Around his every little whim
'Cause his perfect world begins and ends with--
Kuzco: ME!
Theme Song Guy: What's his name? Kuzco...That's his name.... Kuzco... He's the king of the world! Kuzco... Is he hip or what? Kuzco... Yeah!
(Kuzco's groovin' and he bumps into an old guy.)
Kuzco: (to old guy) You threw off my groove!
Guard: I'm sorry, but you've thrown off the emperor's groove.
Old Guy: Sorry!
(The old guy gets thrown out the window.)
Kuzco: (to Theme Song Guy) You were saying?
Theme Song Guy: What's his name? Kuzco! Kuzco... That's his name! Is he hip or what? Don't you know he's the king of the world? Whoa, yeah! Oww! Kuzcoooooooo....
Kuzco: Boom, baby!
Bride Guy: Aah, your Highness! It is time for you to choose your bride!
Kuzco: Allrighty! Trot out the ladies! Let's take a look-see. Hate your hair, not likely, yikes, yikes yikes, and let me guess, you have a great personality. Is this really the best you could do?
Bride Guy: Oh yes! Oh, no! I mean, perhaps! (keeps talking unintelligibly)
Kuzco: (vo) What is he babbling about? He's like the thing that wouldn't shut up! Anyway, still wondering about that llama in the opening? Well, let me show you the people responsible for ruining my life. First, there's Pacha.

(Outside Palace)
(Pacha, a peasant, walks up to a guard looking for directions.)
Pacha: Ah, excuse me, I'm here to see Emperor Kuzco. You see, I got this summons--
Guard: Inside, up the stairs, and to the left. Just follow the signs.
Pacha: Oh, great, thanks a lot.
Kuzco: (vo) Uh, and don't be fooled by the folksy, peasant look.
Pacha: (a shoe falls on his head) Oh!
Old Guy: (taps Pacha on his shoulder) Pardon me, that's mine.
Pacha: (hands the shoe to the old guy who is now hanging in a tree) Oh, here you go.
Old Guy: Thank you.
Pacha: You're welcome. (turns to walk away, but quickly turns back) Daaaah! Oh, hey, are you all right? Here, let me... (helps the old guy down)
Old Guy: Oh, thank you, you're so very kind...
Pacha: What happened?
Old Guy: Well, I threw off the Emperor's groove.
Pacha: What?
Old Guy: His groove! The rhythm in which he lives his life! His pattern of behaviour! I threw it off, and the Emperor had me thrown out the window!
Pacha: Oh, really, I'm supposed to see him today...
Pacha: Oh, okay...
Old Guy: Beware the groove...
Pacha: Hey, are you going to be all right?
Old Guy: Groove...(walks off)
Kuzco: (vo) You see what I mean? This guy's trouble. But as bad as he is, he is nothing compared to what's coming up next.

(Throne Room)
Yzma: And why have you come here today?
Peasant: Well, your Highness, I mean, your Grace...(continues unintelligibly)
Kuzco: (vo) Okay, gang, check out this piece of work. This is Yzma, the Emperor's advisor. Living proof that dinosaurs once roamed the earth. And let's not forget Yzma's right-hand man. Every decade or so she gets a new one. This year's model is called Kronk.
(A fly starts buzzing around and Yzma waves at it with her hand.)
Kronk: Yeah, I got that there, Yzma. (the fly lands on his forehead and he smacks himself to get rid of the fly) Ooof!
Kuzco: (vo) Yup, that's Kronk! Now, lately, Yzma's gotten this bad habit of trying to run the country behind my back, and I'm thinkin', that's gotta stop.
Yzma: It is no concern of mine whether your family has -- what was it again?
Peasant: Um, food?
Yzma: Ha! You really should have thought of that before you became peasants! We're through here. Take him away. Next!
Peasant: But I -- okay.
Yzma: Uhhhhh...
Kuzco: (quietly) The never of some of those peasants, huh?
Yzma: Tell me about it... (turns and sees Kuzco) AAAH!
Kuzco: Hi there!
Yzma: Oooooooh, your Highness...
Kuzco: Ahem. Uh, you were doing it again.
Yzma: (giggles nervously) Doing? Doing? Doing what?
Kuzco: Doing my job. I'm the Emperor, and you're the Emperor's advisor. Remember that?
Yzma: Oh, but, your Highness, I was only dealing with meaningless peasant matters...(continues unintelligibly)
Kuzco: (vo) Whoa. Look at these wrinkles. What is holding this woman together? (spots the broccoli in her teeth) What the--? How long has that been there?
Kronk: Good thinking, Yzma. What do you say, Kuzco? (taps Kuzco, who jumps back)
Kuzco: Whoa, no touchy! No touchy! No touch!
Guy: Uh, excuse me, your Highness. The village leader is here to see you.
Kuzco: Oh, great, send him in. (to Yzma) Oh, and by the way, you're fired.
Yzma: Fired?! What do you mean, fired?
Kuzco: Uh, how else can I say it? You're being let go, your department's being downsized, you're part of an outplacement, we're going in a different direction, we're not picking up your option. Take your pick. I've got more!
Yzma: But I -- you -- uh -- but your Highness, I have been nothing if not loyal to the empire for -- for -- for many, many years --
Kuzco: Hey hey, everybody hits their stride, you just hit yours fifty years ago. So, who's in my chair?
Kronk: Oh, oh, I know! Yzma! Yzma's in your chair, right?
Kuzco: Very good, Kronk! Here, get the snack!
Kronk: Got it!
Kuzco: Okay, you heard the man! Up, up, up!
Kronk: I'm okay! I'm fine!
(Yzma mutters under her breath.)
Kuzco: Ah! Okay, show him in!
Pacha: Uh, afternoon, your Highness. I'm here because I received a summons --
Kuzco: Hey, there he is! My main village man!
Pacha: Uh, Pacha. Anyway, I got this summons --
Kuzco: Pacha! That's right, you are just the man I wanted to see!
Pacha: I am?
Kuzco: Word on the street is you can fix my problem. (pause) You can fix my problem, can't you?
Pacha: Sure, I'll do what I can.
Kuzco: Good, good, that's just what I wanted to hear. Are you aware of just how important your village is to the empire?
Pacha: Well, I know we grow the crops that you use here at the palace. We also herd the llamas that you - (Kuzco lifts a sheet to reveal a small model of Pacha's village)…my village?
Kuzco: Oh yeah. You've got a pretty sweet little setup up there on top of that hill, don't ya, hahahaha!
Pacha: Yup, my family has lived on that hilltop for the last six generations.
Kuzco: Uh-huh. So tell me, where do you find you get the most sun?
Pacha: (points) Oh, I'd say just on the other side of those trees. When the sun hits that ridge just right, these hills sing.
Kuzco: Well that settles it.
Pacha: Really?
Kuzco: Yup, problem solved, thanks for coming.
Pacha: That's it? That's all you wanted me for?
Kuzco: I just needed an insider's opinion before I okayed this spot for my pool.
Pacha: Uh, your pool?
Kuzco: (slams down a model of Kuzcotopia on top of where Pacha's house was) Boo-yah! Welcome to Kuzcotopia, my ultimate summer getaway! Complete with waterslide!
Pacha: What?
Kuzco: Isn't it great? It's my birthday gift to me! I'm so happy!
Pacha: Uh-uh-uh-uh--I don't understand how this could happen.
Kuzco: Well, let me clear it up for you. At my birthday celebration tomorrow, I give the word, and your town will be destroyed to make way for this! (sings along with the model) So if I were you, I'd pick up some change of address forms on the way home.
Pacha: But, um, where will we live?
Kuzco: Hmmm...don't know, don't care. How's that?
Pacha: Oh, but wait, you can't --
Kuzco: When I give the word, your little town thingy will be bye-bye. Bye-bye! Boo-hoo.
Kuzco: (vo)Oh, yeah, everything was going my way. Or, so I thought.

(Yzma's Chamber)
(Yzma is smashing stone images of Kuzco.)
Yzma: He can't get rid of me that easily! Who does that ungrateful little worm think he is? Does he -- a little to the left -- have any idea of who he's dealing with? How could he do this to me? Why, I practically raised him!
Kronk: Yeah, you think he would've turned out better.
Yzma: Yeah, go figure.
Kronk: Well, it's better you're taking out your anger on these things instead of on the real Kuzco.
Yzma: That's it, Kronk, that's it! I'll get rid of Kuzco!
Kronk: The real Kuzco?
Yzma: Of course the real Kuzco! Don't you see? It's perfect! With him out of the way and no heir to the throne, I'll take over and rule the empire! Brilliant!
Kronk: So, how does that work with you being fired and all?
Yzma: The only ones who know about that are the three of us, soon to be the two of us.
Kronk: And I'm one of those two, right?
Yzma: To the secret lab! Pull the lever, Kronk! (The floor opens under her) Wrong lever!(She falls through)
Kronk: Uh--
Yzma: (a few seconds later coming through the door with a crocodile attached to her leg) Why do we even have that lever? (she slaps the croc) Get out of my way! (the croc runs away with a squeal.)
(Kronk pulls the other lever and they are bumped into a roller coaster like seat.)
Announcer: Please remain seated and keep your arms and legs in at all times.
(The 'ride' starts and they go swirling downhill.)
Kronk: Whee! Faster, faster! Yzma, put your hands in the air! Woo-hoo!

(Secret Lab)
(They land in the secret lab and they are now dressed in doctor's smocks. They slap hands and then run over to the table.)
Yzma: Ah, how shall I do it? Oh, I know. I'll turn him into a flea. A harmless little flea. And then I'll put that flea in a box, and I'll put that box inside another box, and then I'll mail that box to myself, and when it arrives -- ahahahahaha! -- I'll smash it with a hammer! It's brilliant, brilliant, brilliant, I tell you! Genius, I say! Or, to save on postage, I'll just poison him with this! Take it, Kronk, feel the power.
Kronk: (holding the vial) Oh. I can feel it.

(Yzma's Chamber)
(It's almost time for dinner.)
Yzma: Our moment of triumph approaches! It's DINNERTIME! So, is everything ready for tonight?
Kronk: Oh yeah, I thought we'd start off with soup and a light salad, and then see how we feel after that.
Yzma: Not the dinner! The you know...
Kronk: Oh, right! The poison. The poison for Kuzco. The poison chosen specially to kill Kuzco. Kuzco's poison. (pause) That poison?
Yzma: Yes, that poison!
Kronk: Gotcha covered.
Yzma: Excellent! A few drops in his drink, then I'll propose a toast, and he'll be dead before dessert!
Kronk: Which is a real shame, because it's going to be delicious.
Kuzco: (slams the door open) Boom, bam, baby! Let's get to the grub! I am one hungry king of the world! (sits down) hard feelings about being let go?
Yzma: None whatsoever. Kronk, get the Emperor a drink.
Kronk: Drink. Riiiiiiiiiight. (he goes over to a table and mixes up the drinks and pours the poison into Kuzco's glass) Your Highness.
Kuzco: Is something burning?
Kronk: My spinach puffs! (sets his drink tray down and runs into the kitchen)
Kuzco: Ahem. Soooooooo...he seems...nice.
Yzma: He is.
Kuzco: He's, what, in his late twenties?
Yzma: I'm not sure.
Kronk: (coming out holding the spinach puffs) Saved 'em!
Kuzco & Yzma: Oh, that's great, very good job.
Kronk: Watch it. They're still hot.
Yzma: Ahem. Kronk, the Emperor needs his -- drink.
Kronk: Right. Oh -- riiiiiiiiight.
(Goes over to the table with the drinks, but he can't remember which one he put the poison into, so he pours all three of the drinks into a container and shakes it. He then pours a little bit into each glass.)
Kuzco: Hey, Kronky, everything okay back there?
Kronk: Oh, uh -- the drinks were a bit on the -- warm side! Eh-heh. Hey, did you see that sky today? Talk about blue.
Yzma: Yes, Kronk. Riveting. A toast to the Emperor! Long live Kuzco!
Kronk: (aside to Yzma) Don't drink the wine. Poison!
(As Kuzco drinks Yzma pours hers into a plant when he's not looking.)
Kuzco: Ah. Tasty! (falls face first into his food.)
Yzma: Finally! Good work, Kronk.
Kronk: Oh, they're so easy to make, I'll get you the recipe.
Yzma: Now to get rid of the body.
Kuzco: (sits back up) Okay!
Yzma: Ooooh!
Kuzco: What were we saying?
Yzma: Uh--uh--we were just making a toast to your long and healthy rule...
Kuzco: (as he speaks he begins to turn into a Llama) Right. So, what're you gonna do? I mean, you've been around here a long time, and I really mean a long time, um, I thought it might be difficult for someone of your age adjusting to life in the private sector. Hey, Kronk, can you top me off, pal? Be a friend? Now about the finding new work.
Yzma: (under her breath and motions with the broccoli) Hit him on the head!
Kuzco: That's -- that's gonna be tough.
Kronk: (holds up the tray) More broccoli?
Kuzco: Because you' know. Let's face it, you're no spring chicken, and I mean that in the best possible way - (Kronk hits him on the head with the tray and he goes unconscious)
Yzma: (jumps up) What?! A llama?! He's supposed to be dead!
Kronk: Yeah, weird.
Yzma: Let me see that vial! This isn't poison, this is extract of llama!
Kronk: You know, in my defense, your poisons all look alike, you might think of re-labeling some of them.
Yzma: Take him out of town and finish the job now!
Kronk: What about dinner?
Yzma: Kronk, this is kind of important.
Kronk: How about dessert?
Yzma: (pause) Well, I suppose there's time for dessert.
Kronk: And coffee?
Yzma: All right, a quick cup of coffee. Then take him out of town and finish the job!

(Palace Hallway)
(As Kuzco speaks we see Kronk sneaking through the city with a brown bag slung over his shoulder.)
Kuzco: (voice over) Guess where I am right now! Uh-huh, in the bag. Still think I'm not the victim here? Watch, it gets better! Oh, he's doing his own theme music? Big, dumb, and tone-deaf. I am so glad I was unconscious for all of this.
(Kronk tosses Kuzco into a stream that's heading out of the palace.)
Kronk: Mission accomplished.
Shoulder Angel: You're not just going to let him die like that, are you?
Kronk: My shoulder angel!
Shoulder Devil: Don't listen to that guy! He's trying to lead you down the path of righteousness. I'm gonna lead you down the path that rocks!
Shoulder Angel: Oh, come off it.
Shoulder Devil: You come off it!
Shoulder Angel: You!
Shoulder Devil: You!
Shoulder Angel: You!
Shoulder Devil: You infinity!
Shoulder Angel: Grr...
Shoulder Devil: Listen up, big guy, I've got three good reasons why you should just walk away. Number one, look at that guy! He's got that sissy stringy music thing.
Shoulder Angel: We've been through this. It's a harp, and you know it.
Shoulder Devil: Oh, right, that's a harp, and that's a dress.
Shoulder Angel: Robe!
Shoulder Devil: Reason number two, Look what I can do. (does a handstand and then walks on his hands.)
Kronk: Wha--what does that have to do with anyth--
Shoulder Angel: No, no, he's got a point.
Kronk: Listen, you guys, you're sort of confusing me, so be gone, or, you know, however I get rid of you guys.
Shoulder Devil: That'll work.
(They disappear. Kronk runs and catches the bag before it goes over the edge. We pull back to see how high up the stream is from the ground. The shot pulls back until we are miles from the castle. There is a bug crawling along a tree branch. A chimp comes up and eats the bug.)
Kuzco: (vo) Um...what's with the chimp and the bug? Can we get back to me?
(Zoom back up to Kronk who is now going through the palace again looking for a way to get rid of Kuzco.)
Kronk: Oh boy, think, think, think! What to do? What do I do with the body?
Pacha: What am I going to tell the village?
Kronk: Come on, Kronk, come on, Kronk! What do I do? What do I -- back! Elbow! Shoulder! Oh, hey! Hey you! Hey! Excuse me. Excuse me. (He drops Kuzco and the bag ends up on Pacha's cart.) Stop! Pardon me. Excuse me. Sorry about that. Comin' through. Hey, you with the cart! Uh-oh. This is not good. Uhh. Hope that doesn't come back to haunt me.

(Pacha's House)
(Pacha slowly comes up the hill. His son, Tipo, his daughter, Chaca, and his wife, Chicha, are all awake, and waiting for him.)
Tipo: Mom, Mom! I think I'm still growing! Measure me again!
Chicha: Ha! All right, Tipo. Stand still and let's see.
Chaca: Mom, you and I both know that it's impossible for him to have grown in the last five minutes.
Chicha: Mmm! Mmm!
Chaca: Isn't it?
Chicha: Look how much you've grown!
Chaca: What? Tipo, get out of the way. It's my turn again. Measure me.
Tipo: (spots Pacha) Dad's home!
Pacha: Hey, ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Come here. Ha ha ha!
Tipo: Dad! I ate a bug today!
Pacha: Oh! Was Mom baking again? Heh. Don't tell her I said that.
Chicha: I heard that. Okay, everybody, move aside. Lady with a baby coming through.
Tipo: Dad, Dad, Dad! Look at how big I am!
Chicha: We were all measured today.
Pacha: Oh.
Tipo: I'm going through a growth spurt. I'm as big as you were when you were me.
Pacha: Mm-hmm. Sure are.
Chaca: That's not as impressive as my loose tooth. See?
Chicha: Okay, okay, you two. Our deal was that you could stay awake until Daddy came home. Now say good night.
Kids: Dad, do we have to?
Pacha: No, you two can stay up. We're just gonna be sittin' here tellin' each other how much we love each other. Right, honey?
Tipo: Fw!
Chaca: Blecch!
Kids: Good night.
Chicha: So what did the emperor want?
Pacha: Ahem. You know what? He couldn't see me.
Chicha: Couldn't see you? Why not?
Pacha: I don't know.
Chicha: Well, that's just rude.
Pacha: Well, he is the emperor. I'm sure he's busy.
Chicha: No, no, no, no, no. Emperor or no emperor, it's called common courtesy.
Pacha: Honey...
Chicha: If that were me, I'd march right back there and demand to see him, and you know I would.
Pacha: Sweetie, sweetie, think of the baby.
Chicha: Pacha, I'm fine. This baby's not coming for a while, but even if it was, I'd give that guy a piece of my mind. That kind of behavior just…just…uhh! I gotta go wash something. Pacha? You okay?
Pacha: Hmm? Oh, yeah, I'm just a little tired from the trip. Um...I'm gonna go put Misty away.
(Pacha goes and sits down outside and hangs his head. Suddenly the film stops on that frame and Kuzco comes into view holding a magic marker.)
Kuzco: Uh, heh heh. Hi. Excuse me. Two seconds here. Um, I'm the one in the cart. Remember? This story's about me (circles himself), not him (marks out Pacha). Okay. You got it? All right. We're gonna move ahead. Sorry to slow you down. (he steps out of the frame, but comes in a few seconds later and marks through Pacha a whole lot more.) Heh heh heh.
(The movie continues, and Pacha begins unloading the cart. He comes across the bag with Kuzco in it and opens it.)
Pacha: Huh? Wha.
Kuzco: Uhh. Oh.
Pacha: Where'd you come from, little guy?
Kuzco: No touchy.
Pacha: (falls backward to get away) Aah! Demon llama!
Kuzco: Demon llama? (jerks back) Where? (looks over at Misty, the normal llama.)
Misty: Aah!
Kuzco: Aah! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Ooh hoo hoo! Ow! Ow, my head!
Pacha: Okay, demon llama. Just take it easy. I mean you no harm.
Kuzco: What are you talking about -- oh, wait. I know you. You're that whiny peasant.
Pacha: Emperor Kuzco?
Kuzco: Yeah. Who do you think you were talkin' to?
Pacha: did -- don't...look like the emperor.
Kuzco: What do you mean I don't look like the emperor?
Pacha: this...(makes a motion with his hands)
Kuzco: What is this, some kind of little game you country folk like to (tries to do it and sees he has hooves) -- aah! It can't be! Aah! Aah! Aah! (looks in the water trough) My face! Aah! My beautiful, beautiful face!
Pacha: Okay, okay, okay.
Kuzco: I'm an ugly, stinky llama!
Pacha: Wait, okay, your Majesty.
Kuzco: Llama face!
Pacha: Shh! What happened?
Kuzco: I'm tryin' to figure that out, okay? Ohh-ho! I can't remember. I can't remember anything. Wait a minute. I remember you. I remember telling you that I was building my pool where your house was and then you got mad at me. Oh! And you turned me into a llama!
Pacha: What? No, I did not.
Kuzco: Yes, and then you kidnapped me.
Pacha: Why would I kidnap a llama?
Kuzco: I have no idea! You're the criminal mastermind, not me.
Pacha: What?
Kuzco: Hmm. You're right. That's giving you way too much credit. Okay, I have to get back to the palace. Yzma's got that "secret lab." I'll just snap my fingers and order her to change me back. Hey, you. No time to waste. Let's go. Hey, Tiny, I want to get out of this body. Wouldn't you? Now, let's go.
Pacha: Build your summer home somewhere else.
Kuzco: You want to run that by me again?
Pacha: I can't let you go back unless you change your mind and build your summer home somewhere else.
Kuzco: Hmm, I got a little secret for you. Come here. No, closer. (yells) I don't make deals with peasants!
Pacha: Then I guess I can't take you back.
Kuzco: Fine, I don't need you. I can find my own way back.
Pacha: I wouldn't recommend it. It's a little dangerous if you don't know the way.
Kuzco: Nice try, pal.
Pacha: No, really, I'm telling you, there are jaguars and snakes and quicksand.
Kuzco: I'm not listening.
Pacha: I'm not kidding. Listen, you cannot go in there.
Kuzco: La la la. Oh, heh heh. Still not listening. (goes into the woods)
Pacha: Aw, you... Fine. Fine. Go ahead! If there's no Kuzco, there's no Kuzcotopia. Takes care of my problem. Hmm.

Kuzco: Scary jungle. Right. Ooh, a leaf. Ooh, it might attack me. Oh, it's a scary tree. I'm afraid. Ha ha. Please. Never find my way? I'm the emperor, and as such, I'm born with an innate sense of direction. Okay, where am I? Wha-(looks over at a fly trapped in a spider web.)
Fly: Help me! Help me! Help me!
Kuzco: Uuh.
Fly: Too late.
(The spider shows up and eats the fly.)
Kuzco: Okay, that was the freakiest thing I've ever seen. (the bushes rustle) Aah! (Bucky, a squirrel hops out.) Hmm. What do you want? (Bucky holds out an acorn) Oh, for me? (Bucky smiles) Why, I don't know what to say. (Throws the acorn and hits Bucky in the head.)
Bucky: Ow!
Kuzco: Hit the road, Bucky. (he turns to leave and stumbles down into a jaguar nest.) Aah! Ow! Huh? Uh-oh. (Bucky shows up. He pulls out a balloon and blows it up. He then fashions the balloon into the shape of a llama. He then holds up a very sharp needle.) No, no. No, no, no, no. No, no. No, don't. (Bucky pops the balloon with a big bang. The jaguars sleep through it.) Ha! (That wakes them up. And the chase begins) Aah! No! Aah! Aah! (Finally he's cornered on the edge of a cliff.) You killer jaguars...whoa!
(Pacha comes swinging down aiming for the jaguars.)
Pacha: Aah-eee! Aah! Aah! Yee-aah!
(The jaguars move out of the way and his swings right by. He then swings back around and grabs Kuzco.)
Kuzco: Aah!
Pacha: Don't worry, your Highness. I gotcha. You're safe now.
(Suddenly the vine breaks and gets caught around a log. The vine swings them around until they are tied to the log.)
Kuzco: Maybe I'm just new to this whole rescuing thing, but this, to me, might be considered kind of a step backwards, wouldn't you say?
Pacha: No, no, no. It's -- it's okay. This -- this is all right. We can figure this out.
(Suddenly the log begins to break off the tree.)
Kuzco: I hate you.
Pacha: No!
Kuzco: Yaah! (the log lands in the river) Aah! Ow! Whoo hoo hoo! Aah! Ow! I don't know about you, but I'm getting all funned out.
Pacha: Uh-oh.
Kuzco: Don't tell me. We're about to go over a huge waterfall.
Pacha: Yep.
Kuzco: Sharp rocks at the bottom?
Pacha: Most likely.
Kuzco: Bring it on. (shot of a huge waterfall as they go over it.) Boo-yah! Whoo!

(The Riverbank)
(Apparently they survive and Pacha drags them both out of the river.)
Pacha: Your Highness. Your Highness, can you hear me? Oh, boy. Come on, breathe. Breathe! Ohh, why me? (he moves Kuzco into the position for mouth to mouth resuscitation) Ooh! All right. (Kuzco's tongue flops out and apparently llama's have really bad breath) Oh!
Kuzco: (wakes up just as Pacha leans over him) Aah!
Pacha & Kuzco: Ohh!
Pacha: For the last time, it was not a kiss.
Kuzco: Well, whatever you call was disgusting. And if you would've done what I ordered you to do in the first place, we could've all been spared your little kiss of life.
Pacha: Aw!
Kuzco: But now that you're here, you will take me back to the palace. I'll have Yzma change me back, and then I'll start construction on Kuzcotopia. Oh, yeah.
Pacha: Okay, now, look, I think we got off on the wrong foot here.
Kuzco: Mm-hmm.
Pacha: I just think if you really thought about it, you'd decide to build your home on a different hilltop.
Kuzco: And why would I do that?
Pacha: Because...deep down, I think you'll realize that you're forcing an entire village out of their homes just for you.
Kuzco: And that's...bad?
Pacha: Well, yeah. Nobody's that heartless.
Kuzco: Mmm. Now take me back.
Pacha: What? Wait, wait. How can you be this way? All you care about is building your summer home and filling it with stuff for you.
Kuzco: Uh, yeah. Doy. Me. Everyone else in the kingdom gets it. You're the only one that doesn't seem to be with the program, eh, Pacha?
Pacha: You know what? Someday, you're going to wind up all alone, and you'll have no one to blame but yourself.
Kuzco: Thanks for that. I'll log that away. Now, for the final time, I order you to take me back to the palace.
Pacha: Looks to me like you're stuck out here, because unless you change your mind, I'm not taking you back. (goes over to begin making a fire)
Kuzco: (walking away) Because unless you change your mind, I'm not taking you back. Me, me, me. Moo, moo, moo. (Throws a rock that hits Pacha in the head. Pacha swings around to look at him.) Huh? What? I didn't do anything. I didn't -- Somebody's throwing stuff. You going to build a fire or what? What's going on?
Pacha: He's never going to change his mind.
Kuzco: Ohh, how am I ever going to get out of here?

(The Palace)
(Yzma is giving a speech to the masses.)
Yzma: And so, it is with great sadness that we mourn the sudden departure of our beloved prince...taken from us so tragically on the very eve of his eighteenth birthday.
Kronk: Poor little guy.
Yzma: His legacy will live on in our hearts...
Kronk: He never had a chance.
Yzma: ...for all eternity. (pause_ Well, he ain't gettin' any deader. Back to work. Kronk, darling, I must admit you had me worried when you mixed up those poisons, but now that Kuzco is dead, all is forgiven.Kronk: Ah. Oh, yeah, yeah. He's...heh. He's dead, all right. Heh heh. I mean, you can't get much deader than he -- than he is right now. Unless, of course, we killed him again.
Yzma: I suppose.
Kronk: Hey, look, the royal dresser's here.
Yzma: Kronk...
Kronk: I should tell you right now I'm kind of hard to fit.
Yzma: Kronk...
Kronk: I wear a 66 long and a 31 waist.
Yzma: Kuzco is dead, right? Tell me Kuzco's dead. I need to hear these words.
Kronk: Do you need to hear all those words exactly?
Yzma: He's still alive?
Kronk: Well, he's not as dead as we would've hoped.
Yzma: Kronk...
Kronk: I just thought I'd give you the heads-up in case Kuzco ever came back.
Yzma: He can't come back!
Kronk: Yeah. That would be kind of awkward -- especially after that lovely eulogy.
Yzma: You think? You and I are going out to find him. If he talks, we are through! Now let's move!

(Pacha's House)
(Tipo jerks awake in bed.)
Tipo: Dad, look out!
Chicha: Tipo, what is it?
Tipo: I had a dream that Dad was tied to a log and was careening out of control down a raging river of death!
Chicha: All right, all right, it's okay.
Tipo: It was awful!
Chicha: Shh! It's okay, it's okay. Tipo, calm down. It was just a dream. Your dad's fine. He just went back to see the emperor.
Tipo: Oh, like you told him to, 'cause you're always right.
Chicha: That's right.
Chaca: Well, in my dream, Dad had to kiss a llama.
Tipo: Yeah, like that would ever happen.
Chaca: It could.
Tipo: Nuh-uh.
Chaca: Yeah-huh.
Tipo: Nuh-uh.
Chaca: Yeah-huh.
(The kids continue doing this at a very fast pace.)
Chicha: Good night, you two.
Kids: Night Mom!
Chaca: Yeah-huh.
Tipo: Nuh-uh.
Chaca: Yeah-huh.
Tipo: Nuh-uh.

Pacha: Ooh! Brr.
Kuzco: (hands Pacha his poncho.) Uh, hey. Thanks.
Pacha: Oh. No problem.
Kuzco: Feels like wool.
Pacha: Yeah.
Kuzco: Alpaca?
Pacha: Oh, yeah, it is.
Kuzco: Oh, yeah, I thought so. It's nice.
Pacha: My wife made it.
Kuzco: Oh, she knits?
Pacha: Crochets.
Kuzco: Crochets? Nice.
Pacha: Thanks.
Kuzco:, I was thinking that when I got back to the city, we'd, uh...I mean, there's lots of hilltops, and maybe I might, you know...I -- I might...
Pacha: Are you've changed your mind?
Kuzco: Oh, well, I -- I...
Pacha: Because you know that means you're doing something nice for someone else.
Kuzco: No, I know that. I know.
Pacha: And you're all right with that?
Kuzco: Yes. (Pacha looks hard at him then holds out his hand) What? (He holds out his hoof)
Pacha: (pulls back) Don't shake unless you mean it. (they shake) All right. Let's get you back to the palace. Oh, by the way, thanks.
Kuzco: (smugly) No...thank you.

Pacha: Okay. Once we cross this bridge, it's only an hour to the palace.
Kuzco: Good, because believe it or not, I think I need a bath.
Pacha: I believe it.
Kuzco: What was that?
Pacha: Nothing. (falls through a rotting board and gets caught in the vines under the bridge) Ohh! Whoa! Kuzco! Kuzco!
Kuzco: (nonchalantly) Yeah?
Pacha: Quick, help me up!
Kuzco: No, I don't think I will.
Pacha: You're going to leave me here?
Kuzco: Well, I was going to have you imprisoned for life, but I kind of like this better.
Pacha: I thought you were a changed man.
Kuzco: Oh, come on, I had to say something to get you to take me back to the city.
Pacha: So all of it was a lie?
Kuzco: Well, yeah. No, wait. Uh, yeah, yeah, it was all a lie. Toodles. (walks away)
Pacha: (yells) We shook hands on it!
Kuzco: (coming back) You know, the funny thing about shaking hands need hands. Ha! Okay. Buh-bye. (falls through boards and also gets caught in the vines) Aah!
Pacha: Are you okay? Are you all right?
Kuzco: Yeah. Yeah, I think I'm all right.
Pacha: Good! (punches him) That's for going back on your promise!
Kuzco: (hits him back) Yeah, that's for kidnapping me and taking me to your village...which I'm still gonna destroy, by the way. Ah ha ha ha! No touchy. Ooh!
Pacha: Why did I risk my life for a selfish brat like you? I was always taught that there was some good in everyone, but, ooh, you proved me wrong.
Kuzco: Oh, boo-hoo. Now I feel really bad. Bad llama.
Pacha: I could've let you die out there in that jungle, and then all my problems would be over.
Kuzco: Well, that makes you ugly and stupid.
Pacha: Let's end this.
Kuzco: Ladies first.
Pacha: Aah!
Kuzco: Yaah!
(They fly at each other and begin fighting. The vines break and they fall down into a crevice. If they fall anymore they will fall into the river and be eaten by crocodiles.)
Kuzco & Pacha: Oh! Aaah! Ow! Ow! Whoa! Oh!
Kuzco: What are we gonna do? Aah! What are we gonna do? We're gonna die! We're gonna die! That's it for me!
Pacha: No, we're not. Calm down. I have an idea. Give me your arm. (links arms) Okay, now the other one. When I say go, push against my back, and we'll walk up the hill. Ready? Go. (pushes back and Kuzco is slammed up against the crevice wall.)
Kuzco: Ow! You did that on purpose. Aah! (shoves back)
Pacha: No, I didn't! Now, we're gonna have to work together to get out of this, so follow my lead. Ready? Right foot.
Kuzco: Whose right? Your right or mine?
Pacha: I don't care. Mine.
Kuzco: Well, why yours?
Pacha: Okay, your right! Ready?
Kuzco: Okay, got it.
Pacha: Okay, right. Left. Right.
(They begin to climb out of the crevice)
Kuzco: Ha ha! Look, we're moving! Aah!
Pacha: Don't look down! Now, stay with me. Stay with me. Right. Left. Right. Left. Right. Left. Right!
(The crevice begins widening so that they can't go up anymore.)
Kuzco: Now what, genius?
Pacha: Working on it. Okay, here's the deal. Stretch out your neck and I'll grab the rope.
Kuzco: How do I know you won't let me fall after you grab the rope?
Pacha: You're just gonna have to trust me!
(Kuzco does so and Pacha reaches for the vine.)
Kuzco: You know, it's a good thing you're not a big, fat guy, or this would be really difficult. Aah! Aah!
Pacha: Almost. Got it! (gives it a tug) It's stuck.
Kuzco: Take your time. No hurry here. (scorpions fall into his fur) Scorpions! Aah ha ha!
Pacha: Kuzco!
(Kuzco scrambles and gets his mouth stuck in an opening in the wall. The scorpions make their way to Pacha who slams back against the wall to kill them. The banging wakes up the bats that live in the cave. Since Kuzco's mouth is blocking the entrance, they all fly into his mouth until he's pushed back from the opening and they can fly out.)
Kuzco: Aah! Oh, no!
Pacha: Uhh! Aah! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
Kuzco: Huh? (The momentum makes Kuzco fly up the rest of the way to the top of the canyon wall, pulling Pacha with him.) Aah! Whoa! Huh? Look out! (he pulls Pacha back from the crumbling canyon wall.)
Pacha: Ohh!
Kuzco: Whoo-hoo! Yeah! Oh, look at me and my bad self. I snatched you right out of the air. 'Oooh, I'm a crumbly canyon wall and I'm taking you with me.' Well, not today, pal. Uh-huh. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Pacha: You just saved my life.
Kuzco: Huh? So?
Pacha: I knew it.
Kuzco: Knew what?
Pacha: That there is some good in you after all.
Kuzco: Oh, no.
Pacha: Admit it.
Kuzco: Wrong.
Pacha: Yes, there is.
Kuzco: Nuh-uh.
Pacha: I think there is. Hey, you could've let me fall.
Kuzco: Nuh-uh! Come on, what's the big deal? Nobody's that heartless. Don't read too much into it. It was a one-time thing.
Pacha: Right. Sure. Well, we better get going. With that bridge out, it's a four-day walk to the palace.
Kuzco: What? You mean you're still taking me back?
Pacha: I shook on it, didn't I?
Kuzco: Well, yeah, but I hope you realize that doesn't change a thing. I'm still building Kuzcotopia when I get back.
Pacha: Well, four days is a long time. Who knows? Maybe you'll change your mind.
Kuzco: Uh-huh. Four days. What are the chances of you carrying me?
Pacha: Not good.

(Elsewhere in the Woods)
Yzma: No, no, no! We've searched every village surrounding the palace and still no sign of Kuzco. Where is he? (into intercom) Kronk!
Kronk: (into intercom) Kronk here.
Yzma: (into intercom) I'm getting tired. Pull over.
Kronk: (into intercom) Sure thing. Kronk out. (We pull back as he comes to a stop and Yzma steps out from a tent he's carrying on his back. She proceeds to walk hard with her heels on his back and his hand.) Ooh! Aah! Aah! Ohh!
Yzma: (looks down and sees she's standing in mud) Perfect. These are my best shoes. I hate this jungle.
Kronk: Oh, look. A golden-throated small-winged warbler. Just one more for exotic bird bingo.
Yzma: (sees Bucky) Aah!
Kronk: I am loving this.
Yzma: Get away from me! Uhh.
(Bucky runs over to Kronk and proceeds to chatter to him.)
Kronk: Yeah. Tell me about it. No, no, it's not you. She's not the easiest person to get close to. There's a wall there. Trust me.
Yzma: Are you talking to that squirrel?
Kronk: I was a junior chipmunk. I had to be versed in all the woodland creatures. Please continue.
Bucky: (chatter)
Yzma: Aah! Why me? Why me?
Kronk: Hey, it doesn't always have to be about you. This poor little guy has had it rough. Seems a talking llama gave him a hard time the other day.
Yzma: (quickly moves to stand beside Kronk) Oh, a talking llama? Ha ha ha ha! Do tell. Heh heh heh heh.(Bucky turns his back on Yzma.)
Kronk: Uh, he doesn't really want to talk to you.
Yzma: Well, then, you ask him.
Kronk: I hate being in the middle. Squeaky, uh...squeak, squeaker, squeakin'.
Bucky: (chatter)
Kronk: Jaguars? No kidding? Brutal.
Bucky: (chatter) (He then realizes that Yzma is listening and he stops talking.)
Kronk: Uh, could you give us a little room here?
Yzma: (moves away) Uh, sorry.
Kronk: Uh-huh. A little bit more, please.
Yzma: (from about 20 feet away) How is this?
Kronk: Yeah, that's good.
Yzma: Now ask him which way the talking llama went!
Kronk: Uh, squeakity-squeak, squeakin'.
(Bucky points)

(Pacha is carrying Kuzco.)
Pacha: Low blood sugar, huh?
Kuzco: Yeah, it's a curse. Ha.
Pacha: Well, as soon as we get something to eat, you're walking the rest of the way.

(Mudka's Meat Hut)
(They arrive, but there is a sign over the door that states 'No Llama's'. They look at each other and think.)
Waitress: Welcome to Mudka's Meat Hut, home of the mug...of meat. What'll it be?
Pacha: Ahem. We'll have two specials. Is that all right, dear?
(Kuzco is now dressed up like a woman.)
Kuzco: Oh, whatever you say, pumpkin. You know what I like.
Pacha: Hee hee hee. We're on our honeymoon.
Waitress: Bless you for coming out in public. So that's two specials.
Kuzco: And an onion log. To split.
Waitress: Ordering! I need two heartburns and a deep-fried doorstop on table twelve!
Pacha: Okay, so I'll admit this was a good idea.
Kuzco: When will you learn that all my ideas are good ones?
Pacha: That's funny, because I thought going into the jungle by yourself, being chased by jaguars, lying to me to take you back to the palace, were all really bad ideas.
Kuzco: Anything sounds bad when you say it with that attitude.
Waitress: Hot and crispy pillbug for the happy couple. Mazel tov.
Pacha: Oh, boy.
Kuzco: Ooh. Ugh. Bluh. Urp!
Pacha: Oh, here. Let me get that for you.
Kuzco: Bleaggh! Uck!
Pacha: Where are you going?
Kuzco: I'm just going to slip into the kitchen and have a word with the chef.
Pacha: You're gonna get us thrown out.
Kuzco: Please. With this disguise, I'm invisible.
Guy at bar: (watches Kuzco walk by then gives Pacha a thumbs up) Heh heh! (Pacha gives the thumbs up back.)
(Yzma and Kronk walk in and sit right behind Pacha.)
Yzma: We've been walking around in circles for who knows how long. That is the last time we take directions from a squirrel. I should have done away with Kuzco myself when I had the chance.
Kronk: Oh, you really gotta stop beating yourself up about that. (Yzma knocks her fork down.) Uh-oh. I'll get you another one there, Yzma. (to Pacha) You using that fork there, pal? (Pacha hands him the fork) Hey, don't I know you?
Pacha: I don't think so.
Kronk: Wrestled you in high school?
Pacha: Don't remember that.
Kronk: Metal shop? I got it! Miss Narca's interpretive dance -- two semesters. I was usually in the back because of my weak ankles. Come on, pal. You gotta help me out here.
Pacha: I don't think we've ever met, but I've gotta go. (gets up and begins walking away towards the kitchen)
Kronk: Don't worry, I'll think of it.

(Kuzco is talking to the chef.)
Kuzco: Look, all I know is the food looked iffy. I'm not the only one that thinks that, I'm sure.
Pacha: (from the doorway) Psst! Hey!
Kuzco: So, I'm just checking to make sure you're going to take the main course up a notch.

(Dining Area)
Yzma: Is there anything on this menu that isn't swimming in gravy?
Kronk: Hang on. I'll go ask the chef.

Kuzco: It's a simple question. Is there or is there not anything edible...on this menu?
Pacha: Gah!
Kuzco: Hey, I didn't ask him about dessert yet!
Kronk: Hey, pal, what's your policy on making special orders?
Chef: All right, buster, that's it! You want a special order, then you make it! I quit!
Kronk: Yeah, but I --
Chef: I try and I try, but there's no respect for anyone with vision. That's it! There's just nothing I can do about it!
Kronk: Please don't go.
Waitress: Three pork combos, extra bacon on the side, two chili cheese samplers, a basket of liver and onion rings, a catch of the day, and a steak cut in the shape of a trout. You got all that, honey?
Kronk: Three oinkers wearing pants, plate of hot air, basket of grandma's breakfast, and change the bull to a gill, got it.
Kuzco: What's going on?
Pacha: No time to explain. We gotta get out of here.
Yzma: What is he doing in there?
Pacha: Unh! Come on!
Kuzco: In a minute, I'm still hungry.
Pacha: No, Kuzco!
Kuzco: Okay, I'll make it simple for you. I'll have a spinach omelette with wheat toast. You got it?
Kronk: Can do.
Yzma: What's taking so long?
Kronk: Pickup!
Yzma: Kronk! What are you doing?
Kronk: Kinda busy here.
Yzma: Why am I not surprised?
Kronk: Your order's up!
(From here on out every time Yzma and Kuzco speak, they come in the door to the kitchen and go right back out. Like as soon as one of them walks out the other walks in.)Yzma: (walks in) Ohh! Oh, well, while you're at it, make me the special. And hold the gravy! (walks out) Kronk: Check. Pickup! Kuzco: (walks in) You know what? On second thought, make my omelette a meat pie. (walks out)Kronk: Meat pie. Check.
Yzma: (walks in) Kronk! Can I order the potatoes as a side dish?
Kronk: I'll have to charge you full price.
Yzma: Ooh! (walks out)
Kuzco: (walks in) Hey, how about a side of potatoes, my buddy? (walks out)
Kronk: You got it. Want cheese on those potatoes?
Yzma: (walks in) Thank you, Kronk. Cheddar will be fine. (walks out)
Kronk: Cheddar spuds coming up.
Kuzco: (walks in) Spuds yes, cheese no. (walks out)
Kronk: Hold the cheese.
Yzma: (walks in) No, I want the cheese. (walks out)
Kronk: Cheese in.
Kuzco: (walks in) Cheese me no likee. (walks out)
Kronk: Cheese out.
Yzma: (walks in) Cheese in! (walks out)
Kronk: Come on, make up your mind!
Kuzco: (walks in) Okay, okay, on second thought...
Kuzco & Yzma: (walks in) Make my potatoes a salad. (Kuzco ducks out before Yzma can see him. She rubs her ear to make sure that's she's not hearing double.) (walks out)

(Dining Area)
(Yzma goes and sits down at her table. Kuzco is directly across from her. Every time one of them lowers their menu, the other raises it. Pacha sees this and goes over to the Waitress.)
Pacha: Excuse me. You see that woman over there? (whispers the rest to her)
Waitress: No problem, hon. We do that all the time.
(A few minutes later)
Waiters: (singing to Yzma) One, two, three, four. Happy, happy birthday from all of us to you. We wish it was our birthday so we could party, too. Happy, happy birthday, may all your dreams come true...
Kronk: (coming out of the kitchen) Ha ha ha! It's your birthday?
Kuzco: What are you doing?
Pacha: Look, there's two people in there looking for you.
Kuzco: What?
Pacha: A big guy and a skinny old woman.
Kuzco: Wait. Was this woman scary beyond all reason?
Pacha: Oh yeah.
Kuzco: That's Yzma and Kronk! I'm saved!
Pacha: Trust me, they're not here to save you.
Kuzco: They'll take me back to the palace. Thanks for your help. You've been great. I can take it from here.
Pacha: You don't understand. They're trying to kill you.
Kuzco: Kill me? Their whole world revolves around me.
Pacha: No, I can't let you!
Kuzco: What? Wha -- oh, I get it!
Pacha: What?
Kuzco: You don't want to take me back to the palace. You want to keep me stranded out here forever.
Pacha: No!
Kuzco: This has all been an act, and I almost fell for it.
Pacha: Will you just listen to me --
Kuzco: No, no, you listen to me. All you care about is your stupid hilltop!
Pacha: What?
Kuzco: You don't care about me. Now, just get out of here. Go!
Pacha: But --
Kuzco: Go on! Get outta here!
Pacha: Fine! Hmph! (leaves)
(A minute later Yzma and Kronk come walking up.)
Yzma: Oh, this entire mess is your fault.
Kronk: What'd I do?
Yzma: If you hadn't mixed up those poisons, Kuzco would be dead now! There'll be no more diversions until we track that llama down and kill him!
Kronk: Said I was sorry. Can't we just let it go? Not even on your birthday.
Yzma: Kuzco must be eliminated. The empire will finally be rid of that useless slug.
Kronk: You've got a point. Nobody really seems to care that he's gone, do they?
(Kuzco hears all of this then runs off looking for Pacha.)
Kuzco: Pacha!

(We have now reached the point in the movie where we came in, in the beginning.)
Kuzco: (vo) So this is where you came in. See, just like I said, I'm the victim here. I didn't do anything, and they ruined my life and took everything I had.
Kuzco: Hey, give it a rest up there, will you?
Kuzco: (vo) What? I'm just telling them what happened.
Kuzco: Who you kidding, pal? They saw the whole thing, they know what happened.
Kuzco: (vo) Well, yeah, but...
Kuzco: Just leave me alone.

(Yzma's Camp)
(Yzma is sleeping in a huge tent, while Kronk is in a tent so small it only covers his waist. Suddenly Kronk jerks awake.)
Kronk: That peasant at the diner! (pause) He didn't pay his check. (falls back asleep, but then jerks back up.) He's the peasant who I saw leaving the city who disappeared into the crowd with Kuzco on the back of his cart. He must have taken him back to his village, so if we find the village, we find him, and if we find him, we find Kuzco. Oh, yeah, it's all comin' together. Yzma! (runs into her tent)
Yzma: What?
(Yzma sits up and she's got this goop all over her face, and cucumbers on her eyes.)
Kronk: Aah!
Yzma: This had better be good!

(A group of llama's are grazing. Kuzco walks up, and he's hungry so he tries some grass.)
Kuzco: Yeech.
Pacha: (talking to llama's) So there we were standing on the cliff, and the ground started to rumble. And just as it started to go, he grabbed me before I fell. Do you believe that? You know, call me crazy for following this guy all the way out here, but as much as he tries to deny it, I know there's some good in him. Besides, I couldn't just leave him out here all alone. He's a lousy llama. I mean, a really lousy llama.
Kuzco: Hey, listen, Pacha, you know, what I said to you back at the diner, that -- that -- I -- I didn't really...
Pacha: So, you tired of being a llama?
Kuzco: Ye-ee-ee-es!

(Pacha's Village)
Pacha: Okay, we're just gonna stop at the house and get some supplies.
Kuzco: Then we'll be on our way, right?
Pacha: Right.
Villager1: Hey there, Pacha. You just missed your relatives.
Pacha: My relatives?
Villager2: We just sent them up to your house.
Pacha: What did they look like?
Villager2: See, there was this big guy and this older woman who would you describe her?
Villager1: Scary beyond all reason.
Villager2: Yeah, that's it.

(Pacha's House)
(Chicha is serving Yzma tea.)
Chicha: So, remind me again how you're related to Pacha?
Yzma: Why, I'm his third cousin's brother's wife's step-niece's great-aunt. Heh heh. Twice removed.
Chicha: Uh-huh.
Yzma: Isn't that right, Kronk?
(Kronk, Chaca, and Tipo are playing jumprope.)
Chaca: Ninety nine monkeys jumpin' on the bed!
Kronk: One fell off and bumped his head!
Chicha: You know, I am so sorry that you had to come all this way, but as I said to you before, you may recall, Pacha is not here. I'll be sure and tell him you came by.
Yzma: Oh, would you, please? That would be just great. (gestures to widely and her cup goes flying and hits the floor.) Oops. Silly me.
Chicha: (begins bending down to get it, since she's pregnant it takes a while) No, no. Allow me.
Yzma: (runs over to Kronk) She's hiding something. When I give the word, we search the house.
Kronk: Okay, but I still have ninety four monkeys to go.
Yzma: Grr! (runs back and sits down just as Chicha stands back up) So, while we're waiting for Paca --
Chicha: Pacha.
Yzma: Oh, yes. Perhaps we can have a tour of your lovely home.
Chicha: You know, why don't you just come back when Pacha gets home? I'm sure he'd love to show you the...(sees Pacha in the window) excuse me, won't you? I think I left something in the oven.
Kronk: This is my variation of double dutch. On the signal, we switch places.
(Yzma goes over to Kronk.)
Yzma: Kronk, it's time!
Kronk: Okay!
(They all switch and now Kronk is jumping rope with the kids and Yzma is turning the rope.)
Yzma: Ohh!

Pacha: So, we have to get back to the palace, find the lab, and change him back.
Kuzco: Hi there! (Chi hits him with a frying pan and he falls over.) Aah!
Pacha: That was him.
Chicha: Whoops.

(Living Room)
(Yzma is going through the closet while Tipo watches.)
Tipo: (skipping rope)You know what? I don't believe you're really my great-aunt. You're more like my great-great-great...

Chicha: Go, I'll stall them long enough for you two to get a head start.
Pacha: Thanks, honey.
Kuzco: You have a lovely wife. They're both very pretty.

(Living Room)
Tipo: Great-great-great...
Yzma: Grr! All right! Are you through?
Tipo: ...great-great-aunt.
Chicha: (walks back in) So, where were we?
Yzma: Listen, sister, we're not leaving until --
Chicha: I show you the house. Of course.

Kuzco: Was it a good idea to leave your family with those two?
Pacha: Oh, don't worry. They can handle themselves.

(Pacha's Living Room)
(Kronk and Yzma are locked in the closet.)
Chicha: What do you mean the door is stuck? Try jiggling the handle.
Yzma: There is no handle in here.
Chicha: There's not? Are you sure?
Yzma: All right, I've had enough of this. Tell us where the talking llama is and we'll burn your house to the ground.
Kronk: Uh, don't you mean 'or'?
Yzma: (heavy sigh) Tell us where the talking llama is or we'll burn your house to the ground.
Chaca: Well, which is it? That seems like a pretty crucial conjunction.
Yzma: That's it! Kronk, break the door down!
Kronk: Break it down? Are you kidding me? This is hand-carved mahogany.
Yzma: I don't care, you fool. Get out of my way. I'll break it down myself. A-one...
Chicha: Okay, kids, you know what to do.
Yzma: Two...
Kids: Right, Mom!
Yzma: Three! Aah!
(They open the door, and Yzma comes running out, she slides on a wet floor and goes flying out the front door into a wheel barrow which goes right down the hill. Tipo holds up a can of tar and Yzma goes flying through it. Further down the hill Chaca holds up a pillow. Yzma hits it and is now covered in feathers. The wheel barrow hits a rock and Yzma goes flying towards a tree where a pinata is hung up for the children to hit. She knocks it out of the way, and is now the pinata.)
Village Woman: Okay, children, on your mark, get set, go!
Yzma: Ow! Ow! Stop it, you little brats! Huh? Ow! Oh, there they go, Kronk! They're getting away!
Kronk: Ha ha ha! Well, I had a great time. Let's not wait until the next family reunion to get together.
Yzma: Kronk!
Kronk: I, uh, I gotta run.

(Shot of both pairs of them racing back to the palace. There are red dots for Kuzco and Pacha, and blue triangles for Yzma and Kronk. Yzma and Kronk look down and see the red dots, they look behind them and see the blue triangles, then they look at each other and shrug. Pacha and Kuzco have made it over a bridge and they cut the rope so that Yzma and Kronk can't follow. That's cool though, because apparently there is a flying device in Kronk's tent. They put on goggles like pilots used to wear and Kronk hits a button and wings pop out. They get partially over the canyon and out of nowhere a bolt of lightening hits the flying machine and they go down. Pacha and Kuzco continue on to the palace.)

(Yzma's Chambers)
(Kuzco walks in sopping wet with a crocodile clamped onto his back end. He kicks the croc and it runs away.)
Kuzco: Okay, why does she even have that lever?
Announcer: Please remain seated and keep your arms and legs in at all times.
Kuzco & Pacha: Aah! Huh?

(Secret Lab)
Pacha: What does it look like?
Kuzco: I don't know. Just keep looking.
(They go over to where all the vials are.)
Pacha: Over here! It has to be one of these. Lions, tigers, bears...
Yzma: Oh, my. Looking for this? (holds up a vial)
Kuzco: No! It can't be! How did you get back here before us?
Yzma: (pause) did we, Kronk?
Kronk: Well, you got me. (from out of nowhere he pulls down a map that shows them falling into the river after the lightening strike) By all accounts, it doesn't make sense.
Yzma: Oh, well, back to business.
Kuzco: Okay, I admit it. Maybe I wasn't as nice as I should have been, but, Yzma, do you really want to kill me?
Yzma: Just think of it as you're being let go, that your life's going in a different direction, that your body's part of a permanent outplacement.
Kronk: Hey, that's kind of like what he said to you when you got fired.
Yzma: I know. It's called a cruel irony -- like my dependence on you.
Kuzco: I can't believe this is happening!
Yzma: Then I bet you weren't expecting this! (begins to lift up her dress)
Pacha: No!
Kuzco: Aah!
Yzma: (reveals a knife in her garter) Aha!
Kuzco: Oh, okay.
Yzma: Ha ha! (to Kronk as she tosses him the knife) Finish them off!
Shoulder Devil: Hey, you're not backing down now, are you, big guy?
Kronk: Uh, where's the other guy? (The shoulder angel shows up and he's having his hair done. He's sitting in a hair dryer like in a beauty salon.)Yo!
Shoulder Angel: (hops up) Sorry I'm late. So, what'd I miss?
Kronk: Well, Yzma just tossed me this knife and asked me to, you know, take them out. Then this guy popped up and we waited for you, and quite honestly -
(Yzma turns to look at Pacha and Kuzco who shrug in confusion. She turns back to Kronk.)
Yzma: Kronk! Why did I think you could do this? This one simple thing. It's like I'm talking to a monkey.
Shoulder Angel: Whoa now.
Yzma: A really, really big, stupid monkey named Kronk!
Shoulder Devil: Ouch.
Yzma: And do you want to know something else? I've never liked your spinach puffs. Never!
Shoulder Devil: That's it. She's going down.
Shoulder Angel: Now, now, remember, guys. From above, the wicked shall receive their just reward.
(They all look up and see the chandelier hanging right above Yzma.)
Kronk, Angel & Devil: That'll work.
(Kronk cuts the rope but Yzma is so skinny that she fits right through the middle of the chandelier.)
Kronk: Strange. That usually works.
Yzma: And so does this! (pulls the lever)
Kronk: Ah. Should have seen that coming. (falls through the opening in the floor) Whoa!
Yzma: Aah! Give me that vial!
Pacha: Oof!
Yzma: Ah! Ha ha! Aah! (tips over the shelves with the vials, now there are hundreds of them on the floor.) Oops. Clumsy me. Which one? Which one? (pulls a lever) Better hurry. I'm expecting company. (the guards arrive) Kill them! They murdered the emperor!
Kuzco: No, wait! I'm the emperor! It's me -- Kuzco! They're not listening to me!
Pacha: Just take 'em all!
Soldiers: Yaah!
(Vials are thrown and the guards get changed into animals)
Yzma: Get them!
Cow: Hey, I've been turned into a cow. Can I go home?
Yzma: You're excused. Anyone else?
Animals: No, we're good.
Yzma: Get them!
Pacha: We've gotta change you back. Try this one.
(Kuzco gets turned into a turtle.)
Kuzco: Uh, Pacha? A little help!
Pacha: Come on! Come on!
(The guards are closing in.)
Kuzco: Aah!
Pacha: Oh, please be something with wings.
(Kuzco turns into a bird and flies over the interior water tank.)
Kuzco: Yeah! We're flyin'! (it turns out he's a small bird.) Uh-oh! We're not getting anywhere with you picking the vials. I'm picking the next one!
Pacha: Fine by me!
Kuzco: Give me that one! (changes into a whale) Don't you say a word. Aah!
Pacha: Aah!
Yzma: Quick! Drain the canals!
Pacha: Open up! (gives Kuzco another vial)
Kuzco: (a llama again) Yay! I'm a llama again! Wait...
Kuzco & Pacha: Aah!
Yzma: There they go! After them!
Lizard: Come on, men! Nobody lives forever! Charge!
Soldiers: Aah!
Yzma: Grr! Aah!
Kuzco: Okay, only two left. It's gotta be one of these. No!
(Yzma gets turned into a kitten.)
Yzma: Ha ha ha ha! Ah ha ha ha ha! Meow.
Kuzco: I'll take that. (takes the human vial from her.)
Pacha: This is the one. This'll change you back to a human.
Kuzco: (Yzma launches herself at him and he drops the vial.) Ow! Hey, get her off!
Pacha: Whoa!
Kuzco: Get her off me! Aah! Ow!
Pacha: Drink the potion!
Kuzco: Okay, okay! Aah! Where did it go? Where is it?
Yzma: (holding the vial) Looking for this? (she sounds like she's been sucking helium) Is that my voice? Is that my voice? Oh, well.
Kuzco: No! Don't drop it!
Yzma: I'm not going to drop it, you fool! I'm going to drink it! And once I turn back into my beautiful self, I'm going to kill you! Ha ha ha!
Kuzco: Aah!
(Yzma goes to open the vial, but she can't get the stopper out. She ends up falling over the edge and falling.)
Yzma: Aah! Uh-oh. Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!
Pacha: (falls over the edge, but manages to hang on my his fingertips.) Uhh! Whoa! Uhh! Oh-oh-oh! Kuzco!
Kuzco: Be right there! Give me a minute! (tries to reach the vial before it falls too) Uhh! Uhh! Uhh!
Pacha: Kuzco! (Kuzco catches him before he falls) Whoa! Kuzco! Aah! Oh. The vial!
Yzma: Aah!

(Front Gate)
Soldier: For the last time, we did not order a giant trampoline.
Trampoline Man: You know, pal, you could've told me that before I set it up.
Yzma: Aah! Aah! (hits the trampoline and goes back up) Uhh-- Huh? Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha! Hoo hoo hee hee ha ha ha --
Pacha: The vial! You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?
(They link arms and begin to climb up to the vial, but Yzma gets there first.)
Yzma: Ah ha ha ha ha! I win.
(Suddenly a trick door slams open and smashes her against the wall.)
Kronk: Whoa.
Pacha: (catches the vial) Got it!
Kronk: What are the odds of that trapdoor leading me out here?
Kuzco & Pacha: Yeah! Uhh.
Pacha: Here, uh, let me get this for you. (pulls out the cork and hands it to Kuzco)
Kuzco: Well, see ya on the other side.

(The Palace)
(Kuzco is once again a human. He's talking to the old guy from the beginning of the movie.)
Old Guy: Oh, now, you -- stop being so hard on yourself. All is forgiven.
Kuzco: You're sure.
Old Guy: Oh, it's not the first time I was tossed out a window, and it won't be the last. What can I say? I'm a rebel.
Kuzco: Whoa-ho-ho, tiger. Oh! Hey, I got to use that arm later. Okay, buddy, take care. (wanders into the Throne Room where Pacha is waiting) Ha ha. Ah, he's a sweet guy. (pause) So, you lied to me.
Pacha: I did?
Kuzco: Yeah. You said when the sun hits this ridge just right these hills sing. Well, pal, I was dragged all over those hills, and I did not hear any singing. So...I'll be building my summer home on a more magical hill. Thank you.
Pacha: Hmm. Couldn't pull the wool over your eyes, huh?
Kuzco: No, no, I'm sharp, I'm on it. Looks like you and your family are stuck up on that tuneless hilltop forever, pal.
Pacha: You know, I'm pretty sure I heard some singing on the hill next to us. In case you're interested.

(Pacha's Village)
Kuzco: (coming out of his vacation hut) Ha! Boom, baby!
Pacha: (coming out of his house) Ha! Boom, baby!
(They both run and slide down a waterslide into a pool. Kuzco gets out and Chicha hands him a poncho with a llama crocheted on it. He smiles and puts it on. Pacha gets out and hugs both of them.)
Theme Song Guy: You'd be the coolest dude in the nation or the hippest cat in creation, but if you ain't got friends then nothing's worth the fuss. A perfect world will come to be when everybody here can see that a perfect world begins and ends, a perfect world begins and ends, a perfect world begins and ends with us!

(Junior Chipmunk Meeting)
Kronk: My acorn is missing.
Scouts: Squeak squeakin' squeak squeakity.
Kronk: Did you eat the acorn?
Scouts: Squeaker squeak squeak squeakin'?
Kronk: You owe me a new acorn.
Scouts: Squeak squeak squeak squeak squeaker--
(Tipo nudges Yzma who's standing beside him.)
Yzma: Squeakin'.
Kronk: I'm so proud of you guys.

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