Dream of: 24 July 1987 "Not Meant To Be"

My good friend from Dallas, Eloise LaGrone, and I were together; she was sitting up on a couch while I was lying on the floor. Everything was indistinct and blurry, but I knew several other people were also there. I looked at Eloise. There she was, up there so close, but we didn't seem so close. We weren't relating so well at the moment and I seemed a little distracted. She seemed different, too. She really didn't look like herself; she looked as if she had gained some weight; her hair was black instead of brown and she seemed as if she were younger, perhaps 30 years old.

She seemed flighty and a bit nervous, maybe acting a little as if she were trying to ignore me. I knew she was an alcoholic and I wondered if she might have been drinking anything alcoholic. I hoped not; I had a tinge of concern that I might have somehow prompted her to that, but I didn't think she had drunk anything.

She had a suggestion. She had gotten off the couch and now she was also on the floor. She was suggesting everyone in the room take off their clothes and it it looked as if she were going to be the first to take off hers. She was wearing a dark shirt and dark pants.

I felt a little sorry to see her in this state. I didn't feel very close to her, but I wanted to be close to her, because I cared about her. I crawled over next to her and we immediately put our arms around each other. Obviously that was exactly what she had wanted; she had simply been trying to get my attention.

We had never kissed before and although in a way I wanted to kiss her, I still didn't feel right about it. She said something about how she was going to kiss me the way the little woman who had hurt me used to and we engaged in a kiss. I didn't like the kiss; it felt sloppy and unsatisfying. I broke away.

I sensed confusion in Eloise. I thought the confusion might have something to do with something I had been thinking about earlier. I thought her confusion was caused by her thinking about trying to seduce me. She felt as if she wanted to, but she had grave doubts about doing it. She thought, "What if I try and fail? How shattering. Or what if I try and succeed and am disappointed." She wanted to, but she felt it would be best not to try. Hence, confusion.

Suddenly, I knew I was dreaming: I was lucid. It seemed so natural to be lucid all at once; I thought Eloise had a way of affecting me and triggering my lucidity. I vaguely remembered thinking something like that about her when I had been awake and my now being lucid seemed to confirm that.

I was so lucid, I felt as if I were awake. I was telling myself not to worry about that, because feeling awake was just part of the nature of lucidity. I actually was awake, yet I was still dreaming. The dreaming would be verified when I woke up. That little aspect of lucidity (feeling awake while dreaming) had taken me a while to understand, and I still wasn't completely clear on it, but I saw that if I wanted to delve into lucidity, I had to accept the fact that I was actually dreaming here, and not awake.

So, having realized that, what should I do next? My mind was blank... a complete blank. I couldn't think of anything to do except just lie there. The time seemed to go so slowly. How long had I already been lucid? Or maybe the time was actually going quite fast. I seemed to have lost my feel of time.

I was concerned because I felt as if I were forgetting part of my dream and I wouldn't be able to remember it when I awoke. I had gone over that dilemma before, too. I told myself not to worry about it, to just let it go. I told myself to simply concentrate on the present, on my lucidity and what was going to happen next.

Eloise. Yes. Screams. A song.

I began singing.

"Oh Eloise why can't you be true.

Oh Eloise why can't you be true.

Oh Eloise, why can't you be true.

Oh Eloise, you know it's true

Oh Eloise, you know it's true

Oh Eloise, you know I do love you.

But Eloise, it's not meant to be.

But Eloise, it's not meant to be.

For me, to make sweet love to you."

"Now," I thought, "now wake up and write your song."

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