Dream of: 08 March 1986 "God Appeared to Me"

I had been dating a tall, slender, black-haired woman who was intimidatingly attractive. Although the woman reminded me of someone whom I could not precisely identify, she also somewhat resembled my high-school sweetheart, Birdie. However this woman was even prettier than Birdie.

Although I was sexually attracted to the woman, until now, our relationship had been strictly platonic, and I was unsure whether I should make any sexual advances. It seemed she was almost too beautiful for me to think about having sex with her. Besides, I had vague feelings I had given up sex and should therefore resist such yearnings.

However, despite my abnegation of sex, the woman and I soon found ourselves naked in bed together. She was quite demanding, causing me to feel unsure of myself. Vaguely remembering I had masturbated twice the previous day, I was concerned I had expended my sexual energy. Perhaps I would not be able to achieve an erection. Would she then think I was impotent? It was difficult for me to feel particularly excited at first; however, her warm body next to mine gradually began to arouse me. My concern began to fade as our bodies pressed against each other and I felt my penis grow erect. Slipping my fingers between her legs and into her vagina, perceiving that she was burning with desire, I rolled on top of her and prepared to insert my penis into her.

Suddenly, however, I realized I could not go through with the act. Like a crystal-clear revelation, it dawned on me exactly why I had not been engaging in sex lately: I was uncertain the woman did not have a venereal disease.

I recalled the one time I had had sex with anyone since Bonnie and I had separated a half year earlier, I had felt uncomfortable. I simply could not enjoy myself because of concern about contracting a venereal disease. My last sexual encounter had therefore been unenjoyable. It was clear now that—considering my apprehension—having sex with this woman would likewise be unpleasant.

Since I did have feelings, other than sexual ones, for the woman, I did not want to offend her by not continuing with our endeavor. However, I realized my opinion of her had considerably declined due to her wanton willingness to copulate with me.

As I lay atop of her, looking into her face, I searched for words to explain the predicament. Finally, I blurted out that I could not proceed because I was unsure she did not have a disease. When I asked her if she were sure, she admitted that although she certainly did not think she had any disease, she was not 100 percent positive. I maintained that if we truly wanted to have sex, we should both visit a clinic and be tested.

I realized I was not in the proper position to now be explaining all this to her. She was plainly, and probably rightfully, vexed with me.

We rose, clothed, and left.

Afterwards, I was uncertain of my feelings about the woman. I did realize she no longer seemed as beautiful to me as before.

We were supposed to have another date one day. As I sat in my car, preparing to go and pick her up, I decided to confer with God on the matter, to ask God about my feelings for the woman. God deigned to appear to me, standing outside the car. I was not surprised to see that God looked exactly like me. I spoke to God, saying I realized the woman was not for me. I explained that although I had strong feelings for the woman, I felt as if the feelings were misplaced. God agreed with me. I did not know if I wanted to completely break off my relationship with the woman. I thought ending the relationship would certainly be painful for both the woman and me. However, I had the feeling that God wanted me to terminate the relationship.

If I were going to end the relationship, when should I break it off? Since I had already invited her out on another date, and was preparing to pick her up, I thought I should obviously still take her on the date. God felt the same way. When should I tell the woman of my intention to break up with her—before or after the date? I knew I had paid either $20 or $40 for the tickets which we would be using tonight. If I told the woman I wanted to break up with her before we went out, would she want to pay her own way? God said, "She would certainly be a hick if she did."

I drove off, intending to pick up the woman. As I steered down a city street, I spotted her standing on the curb. Unable to pull up to the exact point where she was standing, I motioned to her to walk down the street a way. I had to drive quite a distance before I was able to pull over to the curb. She walked along the sidewalk following me, until I was able to stop for her.