Dream of: 12 October 1984 "Dismal Feeling"

After separating from Louise, I had returned to Portsmouth to spend a couple days. I went to the Gay Street House and ascended to the upstairs middle room, where I found and began talking with my sister. My father, wearing only a tee shirt and shorts, walked into the room, sat down on the couch and inquired about Louise's and my separating. I really didn't want to discuss the matter right then, and when he insisted in a rather abrasive manner, I rose and told him I simply didn't want to talk about it. Finally he said, "Well do you love her."

I replied, "I just don't know."

I walked out of the room and back into the upstairs bedroom which faces Eighth Street. I was sad because I was only going to be there one night. I didn't like walking out and not talking with my father and my sister, but I simply didn't want to talk about the matter. I thought that I was reacting in an angry manner and that I needed to begin to control my anger. My anger had probably been one of my problems with Louise.

What really bothered me was that when I had said "I don't know," I had really meant it. I actually didn't know whether I loved Louise. That was a new feeling for me, because I had always known before that I did love her. Now, however, I was no longer sure whether I loved her, and I was uncertain how to deal with that fact.

I shut the white door to the room. On parts of the door were carved patterns of intricate flower arrangements which I had never noticed before. There was also a window between the room and the hall outside, and flower arrangements were also around the window.

Over the door was a screen which covered part of the flower carvings. I slipped my hand under the screen and pulled it down. I noticed one real vine actually mixed in with the carved flowers. Concluding that real vines must have once grown on the door, I thought, "Yea that must have been back before my father bought the House and fixed it up. It was abandoned for so many years."

I began looking the House over and realized what a fine job my father had done in fixing it up. He had installed the blue carpeting in the middle room where I had been sitting. I thought of all the work, time and patience required to do all that. I wondered what it would be like if something would now happen to my father and the House would be abandoned for several years. What would the House look like after having been abandoned for 10 years?

I walked over to the bed, lay down and looked out the window to Eighth Street. Some trees were there. It looked rather bleak outside. I felt good about being back in Portsmouth. I lay back and contemplated what I was going to do about Louise. It was such a dismal feeling, not knowing whether I loved her anymore.

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