Dream of:26 January 1984 (2) "Secret Time"
Having agreed to separate,Louise and I both hired lawyers to begin the proceedings.
I then went to Portsmouth where I encountered Peggy. Peggy and I began seeing each other and falling in love. I was surprised to find myself enjoying Peggy's company so much. On one hand I was sad to have to leave Louise. On the other hand, Peggy was so nice to me – everything Louise hadn't been. Peggy was considerate, seemed to care about me and my feelings, and seemed much more virtuous than Louise. And she didn't drink alcohol.
Peggy and I went to the Grandview Avenue House, walked upstairs and lay down in bed together. She was soft and gentle. After a while I told her it was secret time – I wanted to tell her a secret: when we used to walk home together in the ninth grade I had liked her, but I hadn't been able to tell her at the time.
I wanted to know from her what had happened to Clifford. Although I knew she had married him, I wanted to know if she had loved him when she had been dating him and what the details of their relationship had been.
I also wanted to tell her about Louise. I wondered if Louise would find a new person to be with and tell that person about me. What a poor fellow he would be if he had to suffer through listening to Louise's tales of woe about me as I had had to listen to her tales of woe about her former husband and her former lover, Roy.
How sad it would be if I met Louise again some day. I wondered if it would be the way it had been when I saw Birdie after Birdie and I had separated. Would it be as if something had faded away between us? Would I still feel something for her when we talked even though the love between us would be gone?
It saddened me to think about it and I felt bad for Louise. I didn't think she was going to have a happy life, but felt I could do nothing else about it. It had been her decision to leave and she had chosen her way.
Peggy stayed with me all night. I rose the next morning and walked out of the room. When I returned to the room, Peggy was still lying on the bed. I sat down beside her and then lay next to her.
She stood up, wearing a long plain dress and simple tennis-type shoes. Then she sat on top of me. I thought it was peculiar, but noticed how easily we fit together. We were beginning to understand each other better and to perceive nuances about each other's likes and dislikes. How smoothly things were progressing between us.
I hadn't asked Peggy the night before about Clifford; I felt I needed to know more about him. And I wanted to tell her more about my feelings for her.
She began talking about something else which concerned her. She was in law school and she hadn't had time the night before to read the legal cases she had been assigned. I told her it didn't matter and I would help her.
It struck me how no friction existed between us. She was so nice and she wasn't volatile like Louise had been. I wasn't worried about her constantly exploding and going on a furious rampage. It was so pleasant being with her without having that constant fear.
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